Weird WhatsApp parent behaviour or my social anxiety?

[IrisAnon]

DS 11yrs is meeting up with friends. This will be the first time he's done this I'm also going for a coffee so I can track him from a distance He's part of a close group of friends, but due to COVID, I haven't met any of the other parents. So I thought I would just create a little Whatsapp group to say 'hi' to the other parents, say I'd be tailing along at a distance and to check they'd also heard about the plans.

One very brief response and nothing else. Not even a 'hi there'.....nothing. One asked who this was (understandable - random invite), I intro'd myself and then nothing else.
Is that a bit unfriendly of the other 8 parents, or do I just have weird expectations? It's not like I'm expecting a big chat, just a wave or a 'sounds like fun' or something friendly. Our children are great friends with no drama. Seriously, I'm beginning to doubt that I know how to interact with people after lockdown!

@Shadedog
You’re being very silly and/or obtuse. Wanting to check your child is safe is not ‘being precious’ as I’m sure you know.

Kids getting stroppy about being too cool for supervision is a completely different matter.

It’s called parenting.

@Shakespeare79

I wasn’t the one whining about precious kids. I was responding to another poster and I stand by it. You can’t bitch that the kids are precious for not wanting a mum trailing/tracking their day out and simultaneously not call out the trailing mum for her own preciousness.

It’s not even a little bit about checking the child is safe. How disingenuous. The child is in a public place during the day, with friends he knows well and can be furnished with a phone and instructions. From the sound of it he’s being taken and collected and the outing is of short duration. This is about fear and control. I have been there 4 times. Not THERE, obviously, but I have had to actively instil independence in 4 very different kids (one still in y7) and I know it’s worrying. I also know it’s necessary to put your kids needs before your wants. I’m devo about ds1 moving out in September and going to uni. Terrified about him getting pissed and falling in a river, getting in a fight, failing his exams, taking drugs, dying of his medical condition by not properly managing it. Do I trail him? No, I teach him. It’s called parenting.

Nobody mentioned kids getting stroppy so why are you? Several people have said it takes the shine off a thing like that when someone’s mum comes. It does. It’s like someone bringing their baby to a spa or their husband to a girly lunch. You don’t throw a strop but it still takes the shine off the day. Even 11yos are allowed to be disappointed. Fwiw ds1 friend who had the mum like this was never joshed for it. He was pitied though, and sadly not always included (if it meant changing plans)

It’s called parenting

What is? Not preparing your child to manage a couple of hours without you there? It’s called putting your need to not feel worried over your child’s need to develop age appropriate skills.

@Shadedog
Wow, calm down.

Firstly, you’ve said the exact same thing again. No, wanting to check your child is safe is not ‘being precious’. You do acknowledge that parents are worried though… Yes - worried that their kids won’t be safe! What else would lead parents to check on their child when our and about.

So surely you can see that there is a middle ground between, say, always accompanying a child of 9 and totally abandoning a child when they reach - what? 10? How do you manage the in between bit?! By being nearby so that if there is a problem you’re not far away!

I mentioned stroppy children because that’s obviously what’s driving some people’s parenting - “my child would be mortified if I was there” etc. Kids don’t always know what’s best.

It’s fine if you’d manage it differently, if your strategy for introducing independence was to drop and run first time… But it’s also fine if OP’s approach involves being on hand. It’s so obvious that people will have different ways of doing this, which will depend on the town, the activity, the confidence of the children etc.

What’s not clear is why OP’s approach should be deemed plain wrong/weird when it’s no such thing. The only explanation is people like you enjoying putting the boot in.

330 posts and the OP still won't tell us what her child thinks of it.

@Shakespeare79 other than ridiculously over the top posts about SS etc, people aren’t sticking the boot in.

Despite the “overnight u-turn” by the others in the group. What’s come across really strongly here is that people would find the Op’s approach weird.

If everyone says “yeah it’s totally normal” when it really isn’t (As evidenced by the strong reactions) they wouldn’t be helping her would they? They just be encouraging her to continue the behaviour that the majority of people have said is not quite usual.

@Spacehairdresserandthecowboy
Well I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree. Plenty of posters have said they don’t find OP’s suggestion odd at all. Many have said she’s getting a weirdly hard time.

My view of that OP’s way is one perfectly valid way of handling the transition to independence. And it’s also my view that a fair proportion of the ‘you’re absolutely bonkers OP’ party are those sort of posters who are a) unduly influenced by the first few posts and b) like having a bit of a pile-on.

But that’s just my opinion.

My kids are well past this stage. I have navigated this 3 times.

The op is doing her child no favours with her over protective over monitoring.

Once the kids hit 11 and definitely once they go to secondary school then they organise stuff themselves.

Yes get a parents number etc if there’s a sleepover but for an afternoon in town mooching about it’s just not necessary to have a parents WhatsApp group to coordinate it and organise a plan.

And I still think the op needs to stop adding people to WhatsApp groups without their permission. That’s not fair.

There's nothing wrong with trying to get to know some parents at secondary school, and there's nothing wrong with being cautious as your DC spreads their wings.

I'm not sure a big WA group was necessary but I would have replied OP, probably just to say hello and I'm sure they'll be fine without you needing to follow them.

I think some of the responses to your post might have been coloured by the fact you didn't mention in your OP that they were going into a big city they've never been to independently before. Rather than just a meet up locally or down the park. My reply certainly was.

Tailing in a loose sense of the word.....generally in the same area having coffee and mooching around at a distance , not hiding behind lamp posts. It's a big town.

However, there are two other parents on the case.....by which I mean keeping a closer eye...my help here isn't required and I now have bonus time to shop and then going for coffee with one of the other mums later. Turned out nicely after all and at least five of the group don't think I'm weird. That works for me statistically

If you were just generally being in the same area, having a coffee and not following them, then how would other parents being there give you more time?

No, sorry OP. If I give my number for a specific purpose I’m not giving carte blanche for it to be published elsewhere.

agree

Overnight two parents responded saying they were also a bit nervous and are also going in to town and will be supervising from a distance. Strange that.

Did they aye?

I would def have responded. At the very least to acknowledge the fact you were reaching out and clearly had very nice intentions. Weird and rude of them I think.

I think the fact you're following them, and that you've set up a WhatsApp to tell the parents that is very odd. In their shoes I wouldn't know what to say & I'd be quite irritated.

Ffs some of you people just love to make people feel like shit for some reason 💆🏼‍♀️

I think it is rude for people to just ignore the msgs, I don’t think there was really any need to make a group chat but what’s the harm?

As them kids get older it will definitely help all parents involved.

I can totally relate to the anxiety when the kids first go out, I used to follow my niece to the shop when my sister let her out at 1st, not cos I’m a weird stalking butter but because my sister was nervous and i lived past the shop and I was also nervous.

Is this your 1st child? I was anxious with my 1st going out too. Better to be over protective than to not give a shit.

Ignore the stupid comments on here OP.

Why is everyone on this thread giving OP such a hard time? I would have responded to OP and would be appreciative that you are keeping a look out. I would know, inwardly, that you were just looking out for your boy.

OP's child could live in an area where there's high rates of crime and there's certain areas where there's a no go. I'm all about teaching independence- but for some children, like mine, it takes small steps! Don't belittle someone else and make them feel all just because they are not doing what the majority are doing. All this "oooooooooh my child is soooooooo independent, he/she has been going to the local town she is fiiiiiive", does my head.

Some parents, who don't know what company their child keeps, are the kids who are associated with gangs, bad crowds.

Turned out nicely after all and at least five of the group don't think I'm weird
mmmm.... do you think so?

Agree with most comments on here. Give your son some freedom; no good making him anxious too. Obvious why nobody replied.

Your hearts in the right place but I wouldn’t want someone following my child around town, it’s a bit weird really. 11 is old enough for a bit of independent with his mates.

I don’t think your weird at all. I’ve always made sure to get parents numbers and introduce myself to them - I like to have an idea where my kids are and the type people they are hanging round with - especially if they go to someone’s house. I think the parents that haven’t replied have been really rude - isn’t hard to send a quick message back - manners obviously aren’t their strong point. And you have every right to keep an eye on your child if you want to - maybe chat to them about it, I’m sure they would understand your reasoning and they’d get that once your comfortable they’ll get more freedom x Good luck! X

Hugs OP, this has been a rather brutal thread and I'm honestly shocked at the replies...I'm clearly a deviant weirdo mum too! Honestly, the 'be kind movement clearly isn't alive and kicking on here!

I know you've updated about the actual trip, but, for what it's worth, I'd have absolutely replied, I'd have been relieved someone else is feeling nervous about it too! I don't suffer with anxiety, but I'd have felt it strange the ones didn't reply. Like you say, even if they said 'my child has had lots of trips out alone and I'm not concerned at all' Even those who may think it 'weird' (it really isnt) should have given a courteous reply!!!!
Responses on here never fail to shock me! My daughter is 10.5, she's been around the block with me watching and has walked to friends which is literally a minute away. Her school is 9n our road and she's only walked home on a pre arranged day with friends and when I've been home to know that's she's got home. Yes, I probably need to chill out and I am getting there gradually. I will absolutely be within the vacinity on her first trip to town and making sure I know who she is going with etc.

Anyway, I'd have replied OP and thought it rude if others didn't x

I think that at 11 I would like to know and have contact with the other parents. Also, assuming I had already decided you were not a crazy stalker, I would probably feel happy that you were keeping an eye at a distance.

I have been added to WhatsApp groups and it is a good way to get to know other parents - if only to have their contact details. I am going to say they are rude not to reply.

@irisanon You are being completely normal, ignore all the unkindness and rush to push children into a state of independence that they all reach at different stages. My child has special needs which means it will take her much longer to get to that point of being able to be self sufficient and able to cope should a plan go awry or intentions change but regardless of that, they are 11, not 16 as you have said. We live in a village and going to the nearest large town as a group alone would be a big step that NONE of our 10 year old classmates have taken yet, including those who have lived in New York, London and other big cities. It’s absolutely grey/borderline territory and your actions are entirely normal. I will definitely do the same when the time comes. Stay close but not smothering as you plan to do and I’m sure he’ll have a lovely time. No mortification at all either, low key access to a caring parent who is in the vicinity. Ignore the hysteria.