Weird WhatsApp parent behaviour or my social anxiety?

[IrisAnon]

DS 11yrs is meeting up with friends. This will be the first time he's done this I'm also going for a coffee so I can track him from a distance He's part of a close group of friends, but due to COVID, I haven't met any of the other parents. So I thought I would just create a little Whatsapp group to say 'hi' to the other parents, say I'd be tailing along at a distance and to check they'd also heard about the plans.

One very brief response and nothing else. Not even a 'hi there'.....nothing. One asked who this was (understandable - random invite), I intro'd myself and then nothing else.
Is that a bit unfriendly of the other 8 parents, or do I just have weird expectations? It's not like I'm expecting a big chat, just a wave or a 'sounds like fun' or something friendly. Our children are great friends with no drama. Seriously, I'm beginning to doubt that I know how to interact with people after lockdown!

@Rachie1973

Uh oh. You’ll be ‘that’ mum.

Nasty.

Ye gods, the drama on this thread! Reminds me why I hardly ever get involved in discussion.

OP maybe misjudged a WhatsApp message and let others see that she’s a bit over-anxious about her 11 year-old’s independence, and we get the full works - insistence that the other kids will be traumatised by a friend’s mum sitting in a cafe nearby; sanctimonious waffling about pp’s own parenting being undermined; suggestions of involving the police.

You’ll notice that OP is nowhere to be seen! Nice one ladies. Your work is done. Perhaps go and look for another OP to berate with made-up rules about the correct way to parent.

If someone I didn't know added me to a WhatsApp group I'd leave. I get it though because it's a tough age, my eldest is a bit older than yours. You need them to test having some independence but they're still young and some kids aren't as streetwise as others so you worry. I think your message probably came across as a bit much and they aren't interested in it. It's the age where you generally start pulling back from parent involvement, so to be in contact with other parents is unnecessary, that's more of a primary school thing.

OP, I understand your anxiety. A different approach may have been to say you're dropping son off and going for a coffee nearby, and would anyone like to join you.
The other parents may have thought you didn't trust their judgement or their children.
Messages have no tone of voice which can cause complications.
The first steps of freedom can be worrying but you just have to trust in your child.

I’d think you were a tad OTT but I’d definitely have replied. I’m also keen to have some connection to my kid’s friends parents and don’t think that is much to ask.

I have zero urge to talk to or be 'friendly' with my DS friends parents, in fact I actively avoid it as its HIS personal group and I dont want any adult drama to effect it.

Also I dont use Whatsapp and why would I say it sounds 'fun'? You a complete stranger just basically contacted them to say you are going to stalk and spy on their children - thats not 'fun' its creepy, either trust your child or dont but dont impose yourself onto other peoples children.

My mam was terrible for inserting herself, making friends with parents then forcing me to be friends with the kid or making friends with my friends parents then falling out (over the stupidest drama) which would distroy my friendships - but at least she never followed me round when I was that age.

It is a little weird tbh but I'd have probably still said hi so as not to be rude.
DD is 11 and has been doing things independently with her mates for a little while now. She's been at school with them all since she was in reception now though so I do know all the parents quite well anyway, sounds like your situation is different though?
I don't really get involved with what her 'plans' are other than that she lets me know where she's going and what time she expects to be home. We live in a decent area where there is a nice high street with shops and cafes within walking distance along with a huge park right by our house so they never really go far and DD is sensible enough to keep me informed.
All circumstances are different though and it sounds like you have your reasons. I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping track of your child to a point ( I have the find my friends app and sometimes check she's where she's meant to be on there) but I don't think it's necessary to involve all the other parents as such. As long as you know what your child up to and is safe, let the other parents worry about theirs!

@IrisAnon

Also - I wanted to check that there was an actual plan

This is the thing. There doesn't need to be an actual plan. They are a bunch of boys they won't plan anything they will just hang out play footie etc. It's very weird you would put yourself in the same place to keep an eye on him. You have to let go before you Ruin things for him by making him a laughing stock. Trust him and give him his freedom You mean well but he will not thank you for this

You didn't say if DS (has just finished) Y6 or Y7 OP. I think that makes a big difference - whether they have started secondary or not. I'm guessing secondary because you don't know the parents. (I know all the Y6 parents but I know none of my eldests Y9 friends parents)

My DS2 is 11. He just finished primary. He didn't get the freedom that we would have given him in his final year of primary school until much later than DS1 simply because of covid. We live in a small town. He is welcome to meet his friends in the park if he wants to. He hasn't asked me, but the kids are able to walk into the next town (bigger, high street shops) easily enough but I would say none of his (or at least most of his) year have not done that yet so it is quite a bit event if they do so. My DH is more protective than me and would certainly have a cunning plan to follow at a distance. I'd let them get on with it, but I would have a tracker on DS2s phone.

Secondary school - not really an issue at all - he will be getting the train into a much larger town come September and will have to walk to school from there - so he will be much more independant anyway. Following him even from a distance will be a no-no at this point. I will still have the tracker on his phone though.

As far as whatsapp goes - for a secondary school child I might think its a bit overkill however I would definitely reply to you. I am very happy to have any kind of contact with my kids friends parents.

It is completely normal to feel nervous about your DS going into town with friends for the first time. It's a big step! Because of covid they haven't been able to build up independence gradually and it's normal for us as parents to feel a bit concerned that they can handle themselves. I've got friends who do similar - stop off for a coffee in the area where their DC are.

I'm late to this but i absolutely loathe it when someone adds me to a WhatsApp group without asking first. I don't want everyone and their dog having my phone number.

I would probably have responded like that to being added to a group.

Also - following them? They're 11. Is that really necessary?

We have a massive shopping centre local to us so my sons never went into "town" which is actually a large, sprawling city, without us.

They have however been to the shopping centre but not for a wander around, usually meeting up to have a meal with friends. They socialise using headsets playing games together or just chatting whilst playing other games.

What I will tell you is that in my safeguarding training we were told older men befriend teen boys with small gifts etc they then get the teen boys to chat to teen girls and then the teen boys introduce their "friends" to the teen girls. This is how older men groom teen girls. And it happens, in that shopping centre. And yes it scares the shit out of me.

Being in the town having a coffee whilst your child is also in the town is not a big deal. My friend was a bit overprotective of her child mainly because at 3 she had been the victim of an attempted kidnapping by a stranger which massively affected her. My son has a medical condition so we have been over cautious with him and being out in case he ignored symptoms.

Not every child has even had the opportunity to walk to school in primary. 50 minute walk for my children due to a house move for a better secondary, couldn't park too far away as all double yellows and dual carriageways.

Oh op.

11?!

No. Just no. No one wants adding to a group chat of parents, maybe when they're 6 but not once they're 11.

I once read a helicopter parent had actually got the bus with her NT dc to secondary school. I mean yes you'd do a dummy run the week before they started perhaps but not actually do the school run.

Anyway, I digress. You give your dc life lessons, what to do who to ring in an emergency. You don't make up a parent stalking group chat and follow your kids.

OP maybe misjudged a WhatsApp message and let others see that she’s a bit over-anxious about her 11 year-old’s independence, and we get the full works - insistence that the other kids will be traumatised by a friend’s mum sitting in a cafe nearby; sanctimonious waffling about pp’s own parenting being undermined; suggestions of involving the police.

While some comments may be extreme the whole point of the thread was that OP was wondering if her expectations of others were weird. So having people comment their wide and varied opinions of how this would be revived is exactly what OP was looking for. It might not be nice to hear some people's thoughts, but the whole point was that OP wanted them.

@MySecretHistory

Plenty of people drive their kids to secondary school. It’s not that weird. Not all Y7s are totally independent from day 1.

I said walk not drive- not many people walk their secondary children to school.

Yep, we drive DS to school but its 3 towns over and the school busses have constant covid outbreaks (at least 1 bus per week ends up isolating), until they invent teleportation I'm not sure how else they expect him to get there safely.

My mam drove me too back in the day because we lived in a small village with 1 bus per hour that didnt go to the village my school was in.

If we lived in walking distance he would be walking himself though.

There are some nasty comments on here, just typical mn really. Hide behind your computer and be nasty. My sons 11 and he’s just going into primary 7 after the holidays. He’s quite young for his age, as is his close friends. His girlfriends the same age are quite mature. So it depends on the child dosent it. I have started to give my son a bit of freedom but he’s still quite young. High school next year, I know he’ll want more freedom. It really depends on where you live as well.

I find this whole thing about having to get permission to add someone to a WhatsApp group so weird. If you don't want to be in it, just leave.

it is literally giving your number to strangers who you might not know. That's really fucking rude

Ok, points taken. I'm just going to be in the area to ensure that he's ok as hasn't done anything like this before....I don't mean actual stalking.
I'd even be happy if someone just replied to say 'jeez, DS will be fine, paranoia much?'. Or.....'hey.....nice to hear from you, shame we haven't had a chance to meet each other yet?'. Perhaps it was the wrong thing to do, but just thought it was a way of saying 'hi' to the other parents. I know I'm over-protective (for a reason) - this is a big step for me.

But OP they won’t say ‘shame we haven’t met yet’ because they are not going to meet you. These are your son’s friends, not yours. He is separating from you and becoming independent. Isn’t this something we all raise our children hoping they will be independent and able to make decisions and learn from mistakes?
If you feel your son isn’t at this stage at, and he might not be, then hold off allowing this for the time being. If he has additional needs etc, then maybe hold off for another while. It is too much to place responsibility on the other kids to watch out for your son if he has additional needs etc
If you don’t trust your son, then hold off for another while too. But don’t spoil the other children’s fun by hanging around watching them.

Too much. Why are you following them? I’d find it weird. I wouldn’t be rude and ignore you, but I’d find it a bit obsessive and ott

Really can’t see the issue here at all, the OP is going to sit in a cafe in the same large town. She hasn’t suggested she’s going to don a fake beard and sun glasses and tail them.

This is what my mom would have done when I was 11 and went to meet up with friends. We lived 30 minutes to the nearest town so driving to and from just made no sense. She would do errands around town and then get a coffee while she waited for me. I was not traumatised by this at all.

She hasn’t suggested she’s going to tail them, she’s said it!

@ilovesushi

It is completely normal to feel nervous about your DS going into town with friends for the first time. It's a big step! Because of covid they haven't been able to build up independence gradually and it's normal for us as parents to feel a bit concerned that they can handle themselves. I've got friends who do similar - stop off for a coffee in the area where their DC are.

This.

Or do some shopping in the same greater area.

IMO this is what caring parents do.

Fortunately my children always had friends of similarly caring parents.

The WhatsApp groups as the children were teens were great for sharing collections late at night and meant that every Saturday night didn't have a 1am collection.

These parents wouldn't be close friends in any shape or form but would be people we would have a cordial relationship with, sharing a similar ethos of wanting our children to be collected late at night during their teen years.

The idea of actively not wanting anything to do with the parents of your children is frankly bizarre.
It does explain how some children can get into sticky situations though with such hands off parenting.

So many teens at 14-16 are drinking and putting themselves in danger and their parents have no idea where they are, what they are doing, or who they are doing it with.

Easy to see how with parents who have zero interest in who they are with.

I'm completely with you OP. For legitimate reasons relating to things that have happened previously, I'm quite protective of my child. I'd be a quivering wreck if my child was going out without me at age 11. Especially in the world we're in now.
I would definitely have responded and probably leapt at the chance to perhaps make a new friend!

FWIW: we live a long way from the nearest town. If i ever took my DCs there to meet friends (or took the friends too) it was obvious that i'd also be in the town -but doing my own thing. Pre mobile phones I'd tell them where I'd be going, post mobile phones i said "call me if needed" and then we'd arrange when and where to meet for the return journey.

We started with smaller towns before the end of primary, and i did sort of keep an eye out for them (small town, i had to keep running away and hiding so they didn't think i was following them) then we moved to bigger towns. They have to learn to be independent, and parents have to learn to let them do it. It's a growing up process for everyone involved.

As to the group - OP i hope that you've taken people's comments on board and next time contact them individually before adding to a group.