Weird WhatsApp parent behaviour or my social anxiety?

[IrisAnon]

DS 11yrs is meeting up with friends. This will be the first time he's done this I'm also going for a coffee so I can track him from a distance He's part of a close group of friends, but due to COVID, I haven't met any of the other parents. So I thought I would just create a little Whatsapp group to say 'hi' to the other parents, say I'd be tailing along at a distance and to check they'd also heard about the plans.

One very brief response and nothing else. Not even a 'hi there'.....nothing. One asked who this was (understandable - random invite), I intro'd myself and then nothing else.
Is that a bit unfriendly of the other 8 parents, or do I just have weird expectations? It's not like I'm expecting a big chat, just a wave or a 'sounds like fun' or something friendly. Our children are great friends with no drama. Seriously, I'm beginning to doubt that I know how to interact with people after lockdown!

He's 11, and with a group of other 11 year olds and presumably has a mobile phone. He will be absolutely fine. By the age of 11 he really should have some street smarts unless he's been ridiculously shielded by you.

I get that you're a bit worried but it was a bit much to create a WhatsApp group with the other parents - they probably think you're a bit odd and don't know what to say.

If you're worried then be around town whilst he's there, sure, but there's no need to involve other parents in that. They won't be as anxious because they probably haven't been as protective as you sound.

Awww I’d have responded to you! High school is wierd... it’s not like primary where you know the kids and parents.
However I think you may have mortified your child by announcing to other parents that you are stalking them whilst they are out!!

@Bluntness100

I think people need to remember that the op was asking why people didn’t respond to her, were they being unfriendly or if she has weird expectations.

As such posters are trying to explain that basically she got a list of numbers of people she’d never met, didn’t introduce herself immediately and then informed them all she’d be “tailing” the kids when they went into town. Which for most parents would be discomfiting. To say the least.

No one is being mean girls, they are simply explaining why the parents are not responding to her, who they have never met, expressing she’s going to be following the kids like it’s normal behaviour.

This

Does your son know about your plans here?

@Bluntness100

I think people need to remember that the op was asking why people didn’t respond to her, were they being unfriendly or if she has weird expectations.

As such posters are trying to explain that basically she got a list of numbers of people she’d never met, didn’t introduce herself immediately and then informed them all she’d be “tailing” the kids when they went into town. Which for most parents would be discomfiting. To say the least.

No one is being mean girls, they are simply explaining why the parents are not responding to her, who they have never met, expressing she’s going to be following the kids like it’s normal behaviour.

Or… people are being totally disingenuous, pretending that it’s absolutely mad to be within 50 yards of your kid when they’re just getting to grips with independence.

The whole “WhatsApp message from a total stranger” outrage is similarly disingenuous- she’s already said most of the numbers were from a previous WhatsApp about a party (which most people were presumably ok with). If you’re one of the people who have specific reasons to be guarded about your number, that’s different. But if that’s the case, presumably someone like OP wouldn’t have been able to get it, so it’s a moot point.

People are just weird nowadays. Perhaps too busy to be friendly if I were being polite

I’m not “weird”. I’m private, I don’t like lying, and I don’t like pretending to people I don’t know that I’m grateful for their actions when I actually find them detrimental or intrusive. I don’t think helicopter parenting is superior to my way of preparing my children to deal with things themselves and I’m not going to pretend I do think that to appear “friendly”. I am “friendly” but I don’t see why this is a #befriendly situation. The OP is tailing her child for her peace of mind. She isn’t doing anyone a favour. The OP isn’t doing a nice thing so why should the others reinforce her belief that she is? I don’t want my kid “tailed” and if I did I’d do it myself (or decide he’s not ready for such a trip if he’s not) but I’m expected to pretend I do so I’m not weird, rude or unfriendly. That’s a “no” from me. Not at all arsed about who has my phone number but it’s weird to pretend you don’t understand why other people would be. Also LOADS of people have WhatsApp fatigue.

Ive just remembered about a time a few years ago when there was a report on Facebook that a man in a van had approached a schoolgirl at the secondary a couple of miles away and one of the dads messaged a load of parents informing us that he would be picking up our primary age daughters in his transit and delivering them to the gate. I didn’t reply. #weirdandunfriendly

Hmmm. The tailing sounds odd. Could it be the other parents think you're bonkers and therefore don't know what to say?!

I would have replied.

You know what OP based on what my child had to deal with I think it is pretty normal to contact other parents and be near to your child.

But then I live in a part of london where there is gang and drug and knife glorification.

For example end of class party for primary school well some kids were asking other kids to part with 30 quid and some kids felt pressured to do this, this is in a deprived area.

They ruined someone's bag and possessions.

I know this because my good friend happened to be in the park and saw it all and they asked my son for money and he said No and that he was going elsewhere, they called him names and when they saw me they said to him "Hell to your mum" and ofcourse I can't retaliate as you never know what they will do to my son when he is by himself, and they have scary older hanger abouts ... so it is always safety first.

Another birthday party which was going to be a drop off but my husband felt uneasy and hovered in the background - security had to be called at the venue and there was a punch up between adults and then some kids - this was for a 9 year old birthday party.

I would love to give my child more freedom and we do try but recent stabbings and punch ups mean we can't. So it is a case of making sure we can drop off to sport or other clubs and stuff.

I would suggest that people can’t have it both ways - either your kids are so used to freedom that they will be fine regardless, OR they are unsure enough to be unsettled by the presence of a stranger who seems to be (shock horror) looking at them. Even if it’s the latter, the quick explanation that “oh that’s just so and so’s mum” should be sufficient. Are kids such monsters that they will make so-and-so’s life a living hell because his mum was in town at the same time as him?

Same goes for the WhatsApp outrage to an extent. After the initial “who the hell is this I’m going to call the police” moment, once you realise it’s just a mum of one of the boys being slightly anxious, surely the drama is over!?!

Or… people are being totally disingenuous, pretending that it’s absolutely mad to be within 50 yards of your kid when they’re just getting to grips with independence.

I’d be surprised if anyone was being disingenuous. Yes it’s scarey letting your kid into town the first time, but they are in a group. I never followed mine at a distance, it wouldn’t have occured to me, and I suggest it’s the same for the others responding.

So I doubt people are being disingenuous, more following your kid and their friends round town at a distance is not something most would consider and would find it discomfiting if they knew a parent was going to do this.

It really depends on your opening message. I think you said someone replied to ask who you were, so I’m not sure why you didn’t say that to start with.

If you had started a group and said “hi I’m Jack’s mum. He tells me he’s off into town with all your boys tomorrow. I’m just checking this is actually the plan as I can’t always be sure he has any idea what he’s doing. I’m going to be in the same town myself anyway as I need to get some shopping so can keep a vague eye out in case there’s any problem”, then they’d hopefully not be too offended. However if you’d said “Hi all, I hear the boys are going into town tomorrow. I’m going to following them at a distance” then perhaps I can see why they’re confused and not responding.

Plenty of people drive their kids to secondary school. It’s not that weird. Not all Y7s are totally independent from day 1.

I said walk not drive- not many people walk their secondary children to school.

OP, I think you sound like a lovely caring parent. I would have found the message hilarious but in a nice way and would have 100% responded. In fact, I probably would have done exactly the same. You should definitely go ahead with your coffee plan.

Or…people are being totally disingenuous, pretending that it’s absolutely mad to be within 50 yards of your kid when they’re just getting to grips with independence.

That's because it is and it will do absolutely nothing for the boy's independence, to have mummy sitting in a coffee shop nearby, instead of handing him a cheap phone for contact.

In fact if I was one of the other parents I'd assume the OP doesn't trust her child's behavior - hence the spying instead of the phone and that might make me reconsider whether I want my child going to town with him at all.

@Shakespeare79

I would suggest that people can’t have it both ways - either your kids are so used to freedom that they will be fine regardless, OR they are unsure enough to be unsettled by the presence of a stranger who seems to be (shock horror) looking at them. Even if it’s the latter, the quick explanation that “oh that’s just so and so’s mum” should be sufficient. Are kids such monsters that they will make so-and-so’s life a living hell because his mum was in town at the same time as him?

Same goes for the WhatsApp outrage to an extent. After the initial “who the hell is this I’m going to call the police” moment, once you realise it’s just a mum of one of the boys being slightly anxious, surely the drama is over!?!

…as a kid, teenager or adult if I was being watched from a distance by someone I would feel deeply uncomfortable. If it was explained that it was the mother of one of my friends, I would probably discount my initial impression that they were a paedo, but feel just as uncomfortable and unable to interact normally. I would probably sit in silence, eat my food, leave at earliest opportunity and not make plans with that person again.

I would be uncomfortable because it would be weird, a violation of my privacy and an imposition into a friendship group. I would also (to be really frank) think the parent a bit unhinged and worry that if I interacted normally with their child they would take issue with it, or that they would be reporting back to my parents.

As a kid I wouldn’t have made the other kid’s life a nightmare—would commiserate with them on their situation but probably mentally note to never do anything with them again. I’d suggest as nicely as I could that if they want to hang out with their mom they should do it one on one, not ruin my day out.

@HosannainExcelSheets

I have a child the same age. If a strange adult suggested they'd follow him when out with his friends, I'd definitely reply. I'd tell you to back the hell off and of you followed my child I'd report you to SS and the police.

Your behaviour is completely out of order.

@Bluntness100

I think people need to remember that the op was asking why people didn’t respond to her, were they being unfriendly or if she has weird expectations.

As such posters are trying to explain that basically she got a list of numbers of people she’d never met, didn’t introduce herself immediately and then informed them all she’d be “tailing” the kids when they went into town. Which for most parents would be discomfiting. To say the least.

No one is being mean girls, they are simply explaining why the parents are not responding to her, who they have never met, expressing she’s going to be following the kids like it’s normal behaviour.

This!!

@IrisAnon how you feel about your child going out and about - and how you plan to manage that should be entirely your business. If you want to follow your kid around, go ahead. But trying to get …what … some kind of approval? validation? agreement? from other adults is … well … odd. Sorry.

It’s not clear that you even needed a reply. When I get added to random what’s app groups, I just nod and ignore. I would perceive your message as a criticism of my parenting, making me even less likely to reply. I guess the other parents might be like this. Or they might think you are intrusive, or over-protective. Your error is not in caring for your child as you see fit, it’s in trying to involve strangers in your choices.

And I would find it disturbing if I found out a parent ‘tailed’ my child while out and about. Sorry, not what you want to hear, but I might advise my child not to socialise with their child. You do you - but don’t involve my family in your decisions.

and of you followed my child I'd report you to SS and the police. Your behaviour is completely out of order

Not half as out of order as your reaction

I would have found your msg intrusive and kinda insinuating that my child couldn't behave in public and you would be checking in on them as a favor for me. By all means make your own plans regarding your son but no need to tailgate my child. I find it way over the top and odd.. but I would have answered your but probably not with the reply you were after

Once dc's reach secondary age, parents just don't mingle the same way as they do when kids are at primary. I have 3 secondary aged dc's and don't know any of their friends parents very well and am happy to keep it that way.

I wouldn't have replied. As long as I had contact numbers ICE, I would be happy.

Uh oh. You’ll be ‘that’ mum.

@MySecretHistory

Plenty of people drive their kids to secondary school. It’s not that weird. Not all Y7s are totally independent from day 1.

I said walk not drive- not many people walk their secondary children to school.

Indeed. But if it was a particularly unsafe route, I bet plenty of parents walk their child there a couple of times to start with. Not a huge deal really and probably not deserving of your sneering.

I don't think you are a stalker op, and I get you are not going to actually be following your son and friends, but it does seem an odd thing to do. I get that kids haven't been socialising much during the lockdowns but most ten year olds, which your son probably was prior to eighteen months ago, go out with friends at weekends and during holidays. It would be unusual for this to be his first time; first time in a long time more likely. What did he do last summer when restrictions were lifted?

There doesn't have to be a plan. Kids usually get together and then decide what to do. Some like shops, McDonalds, parks - all sorts.

You say they are great friends, what's the problem? Just leave him to it, he will come home when he's ready. He's a big boy now.

I wonder what parents did before the internet?