Weird WhatsApp parent behaviour or my social anxiety?

[IrisAnon]

DS 11yrs is meeting up with friends. This will be the first time he's done this I'm also going for a coffee so I can track him from a distance He's part of a close group of friends, but due to COVID, I haven't met any of the other parents. So I thought I would just create a little Whatsapp group to say 'hi' to the other parents, say I'd be tailing along at a distance and to check they'd also heard about the plans.

One very brief response and nothing else. Not even a 'hi there'.....nothing. One asked who this was (understandable - random invite), I intro'd myself and then nothing else.
Is that a bit unfriendly of the other 8 parents, or do I just have weird expectations? It's not like I'm expecting a big chat, just a wave or a 'sounds like fun' or something friendly. Our children are great friends with no drama. Seriously, I'm beginning to doubt that I know how to interact with people after lockdown!

HosannainExcelSheets
I have a child the same age. If a strange adult suggested they'd follow him when out with his friends, I'd definitely reply. I'd tell you to back the hell off and of you followed my child I'd report you to SS and the police.

Your behaviour is completely out of order.

Your batshit!!

**

@Bluntness100

Please read the OP's posts properly!!!!! She is not following them! She's sitting in a local coffee shop!!!!

Firstly, please try to calm yourself down. Secondly I did. It appears you did not, she specifically said she’d be “trailing” them also.

Tailing in a loose sense of the word.....generally in the same area having coffee and mooching around at a distance , not hiding behind lamp posts. It's a big town.

However, there are two other parents on the case.....by which I mean keeping a closer eye...my help here isn't required and I now have bonus time to shop and then going for coffee with one of the other mums later. Turned out nicely after all and at least five of the group don't think I'm weird. That works for me statistically

On the case

Tailing

Jesus Mary and Joseph and the wee donkey.

I think you're getting a ridiculously hard, and often unpleasant, time on here op.

It's not just that the kids are 11, it's that they've had their independence restricted by lock down and need to cover ground that they would ordinarily had done by now.

Usually, you'd have probably at least said 'hello' to some of the other parents through dropping off/picking up or a school event.

I'm glad that other parents responded with the same thinking as you. You're not helicoptering or busy bodying, just being a concerned and friendly mum.

'However, there are two other parents on the case.....by which I mean keeping a closer eye.'

Oh please, give them a break. They're 11!

I think some of your early wording like "tailing" gave a false impression, OP. I'm not clear if your DS has just finished primary, or is a young end of Y7, which actually makes a bit of a difference.

But if he's primary age I don't think it's at all bonkers to go and have a coffee in town so he knows where you are if needed - I and a friend did that for our girls when they were about 10 or 11. I guess the problem with the WhatsApp is that you don't know the parents as well, so they may have a different approach. Bear in mind they may also just be busy juggling work and summer holidays.

I don't think you need to ask the other parents if there's a "plan", though - if your DS is old enough to have a bit more independence, HE should be telling you roughly what's planned and agreeing that with you (eg we'll be in the shopping centre for 2 hours and then go to McDonalds, and I'll phone you if we do anything else).

It's a big step letting them have more independence, and I think especially when we and they haven't been able to practise it so much over the last year and a half. It's not like you're forbidding him to go, so I'd say it's better to err on the side of looking after them while loosening the apron strings - I have a teenage DC, and to be honest there are a lot of kids out there not getting that much parental input on their wellbeing and safety....better to have an adult thinking of them!

'It's not just that the kids are 11, it's that they've had their independence restricted by lock down and need to cover ground that they would ordinarily had done by now.'

They'll all have fully charged phones. That is all that is required for a group of 11yr olds to go to the shops. What do you think will happen?!

They've had activities curtailed, I'm presuming parenting still went on in lockdown.

@IrisAnon

Ok, points taken. I'm just going to be in the area to ensure that he's ok as hasn't done anything like this before....I don't mean actual stalking. I'd even be happy if someone just replied to say 'jeez, DS will be fine, paranoia much?'. Or.....'hey.....nice to hear from you, shame we haven't had a chance to meet each other yet?'. Perhaps it was the wrong thing to do, but just thought it was a way of saying 'hi' to the other parents. I know I'm over-protective (for a reason) - this is a big step for me.

You don't have that relationship with parents in secondary where you meet. Apart from the friends my ds has from Primary and one he met in Year 7, i don't know many of his friends or their parents. I know their name, where they live and that's it. You shouldn't be following him, imagine if he or his friends spotted you.

My son is 10 and I think I'd feel the same as you op, you are getting a really hard time on here just for being a concerned parent, it's hard making that switch to allowing them more freedom! The world sometimes seems terrifying and it wasn't that long ago that they needed constant supervision. I totally understand what you meant.

Oh gosh, I remember dd's first big trip out with friends. She was friends with one girl in the group, they'd been mates for years, but were now at different schools, so dd didn't know the other girls.

I remember how hard it was to just let her go, wish her a fun time and just "see you later"! They were taking the bus so I couldn't really stalk them.

Anyway, ALL WAS WELL. I had had to make a conscious decision to behave as if I blithely trusted her to be fine no question of course she'd be fine, while panicking at the idea of all the things that could go wrong - as well as her falling out with the girls she didn't know or being bullied by them or set up or something horrible - none of which happened.

Letting go of the reins is so hard!

@JaniieJones

'It's not just that the kids are 11, it's that they've had their independence restricted by lock down and need to cover ground that they would ordinarily had done by now.'

They'll all have fully charged phones. That is all that is required for a group of 11yr olds to go to the shops. What do you think will happen?!

They've had activities curtailed, I'm presuming parenting still went on in lockdown.

I'm talking about developing independence, not parenting. Mooching around with no adults in the vicinity. They've had much less chance to do that that they would in ordinary times.

Sounds like you've got a good plan set up OP.

It will be easier next time honestly!

@Spacehairdresserandthecowboy

The whole “WhatsApp message from a total stranger” outrage is similarly disingenuous- she’s already said most of the numbers were from a previous WhatsApp about a party (which most people were presumably ok with).

Firstly not all of them were. Secondly a party organisation thing is very different.

I’d be thinking “is this woman going to create a group or make a bit deal every time the kids go and hang out at the park together”.

This isn’t an “event”. It’s a bunch of almost secondary aged children walking around a high street.

@Spacehairdresserandthecowboy

WhatsApp really isn’t the huge deal some pp are suggesting. Even if a parent creates a group that you personally feel is unnecessary- well, just ignore it/leave Nothing happens.

Also, given that many 11 year old parties are things like going to the cinema with a few friends, this ‘event’ is not all that different at all. It’s kids mooching about - maybe even going to the cinema/bowling. I understand that you need it to be A Very Different Thing in order to berate OP. But it isn’t!

Bottom line is, OP (and a couple of other parents it seems) are a bit anxious about their kids’ growing independence. They want to be in the vicinity. A group of MNetters have used this as an opportunity to bring down an OP. Colour me surprised.

I’ve managed to read everything , thanks! I did laugh that I’m apparently being outed because my post ‘ sounds ‘ the same as another ladies yet … how much sound does a post have ??? And some of you have the cheek to say I’m paranoid and insecure yet some are hunting me and someone else form a connection

I’m actually glad it’s not just me who has this issue the best news I got this morning is my working hours are increasing so I only have to pick up and drop off a handful of times come September 😍😍😍😍 yay

I'd tell you to back the hell off and of you followed my child I'd report you to SS and the police.

WTAF!!!
I can’t believe OP is getting a hard time for trying to be a good parent!!

FWIW I wouldn’t have started a group chat but if one was started I would definitely reply but I’d probably hope someone replied first as I never know how to respond to people I don’t know.
It’s nice getting to know other parents as it’s something you miss in secondary school. It is also easier if one of the kids don’t have a phone a parent can just say can someone pass on a message to Billy to say I’ll be late picking him up etc.

I'd actually be a bit pissed off if another parent was curtailing my child's freedom by tailing them.

We had an incident in Y6. The kids were having their lessons in a park away from school. We'd arranged that they would meet at school as normal and get the bus together to the park without adult supervision. They were very excited and happy to be given this responsibility and almost all the parents felt it was an important learning experience for moving on to secondary. All except the parent who didn't say anything and then accompanied them on the bus.
It really deflated their experience.

I guess I'd be wondering what your plan is if you're taking it upon yourself to follow the kids. Will you step in? Will you confront my child? Just feels a bit off to me - my child is going off with their friends and then another parent messages and says they're following them.

He's part of a close group of friends, but due to COVID, I haven't met any of the other parents. So I thought I would just create a little Whatsapp group to say 'hi' to the other parents, say I'd be tailing along at a distance and to check they'd also heard about the plans

I think the execution of your initial message was the main issue.

If I got a message from a random parent who was questioning whether I knew what my DD was doing and saying they would be "tailing along at a distance" then I would think "WTF?!?! I don't even know who you are" and "Why does she assume I have no idea what my DD is doing?" but as I don't know you I would struggle to put that in polite terms especially since you didn't even introduce yourself initially as someone had to ask who you were.

If, however, I got message from a random parent saying something like "Hi this is Sarah, Jack's mum, he's told me he's planning to go into town with the others on Saturday. Due to lockdown this will be one of the first times he's been out with his friends and I'm a bit nervous about just letting him go alone so I'm planning to drop him off and then sit in Costa for a while. If anyone feels similarly then you're welcome to come and join me, just let me know." then I'd be more likely to think "Hmm a little helicopter-y but logical reasoning" but it would also give me a way to respond without being judgy eg "Hi, DDs mum here, we live right in town so DD will be walking round to meet everyone. She has her phone for emergencies but I'm working so won't be able to come for coffee" or "Hi, DDs mum here, I was going to stay in town anyway as I have errands to run so it would be lovely to meet for coffee first."

@Shakespeare79
WhatsApp really isn’t the huge deal some pp are suggesting. Even if a parent creates a group that you personally feel is unnecessary- well, just ignore it/leave hmm Nothing happens.

WhatsApp isn’t a big deal to you

As the majority of the replies in this thread show - a random message, which may feel like it’s
A) questioning your parenting skills
b) impinging on your child’s day out

Is a big deal to some. Or, maybe not so much a big deal, but something that would piss you off enough not to reply. Which is what the Op asked.

And bearing in mind the Op stopped posting at almost midnight, am rather surprised that 3 replies came in “overnight”

[quote Spacehairdresserandthecowboy]@Shakespeare79
WhatsApp really isn’t the huge deal some pp are suggesting. Even if a parent creates a group that you personally feel is unnecessary- well, just ignore it/leave hmm Nothing happens.

WhatsApp isn’t a big deal to you

As the majority of the replies in this thread show - a random message, which may feel like it’s
A) questioning your parenting skills
b) impinging on your child’s day out

Is a big deal to some. Or, maybe not so much a big deal, but something that would piss you off enough not to reply. Which is what the Op asked.

And bearing in mind the Op stopped posting at almost midnight, am rather surprised that 3 replies came in “overnight” [/quote]
Well I actually meant that the existence of a WhatsApp group/being added to said group isn’t a huge deal (notwithstanding particular pp’s security issues), not the actual content of said group message.

However, the ‘questioning your parenting’ point is interesting. You, and many others, have suggested that the primary problem with OP’s message is that the whole notion of communicating with parents of children at the grand old age of 11 is totally bonkers and they’ll all think you’re a stalker etc. Now it seems, it may be about hackles rising and a general defensiveness instead? Makes sense.

As for ‘impinging on your child’s day out’… really? Are kids that precious about a mooch round town that Ben’s mum being in a coffee shop will wreck it for them? The mind boggles.

The op said she would be tracking him from a distance. Not sitting in a coffee shop.

@Pinkandpink

There are some nasty comments on here, just typical mn really. Hide behind your computer and be nasty. My sons 11 and he’s just going into primary 7 after the holidays. He’s quite young for his age, as is his close friends. His girlfriends the same age are quite mature. So it depends on the child dosent it. I have started to give my son a bit of freedom but he’s still quite young. High school next year, I know he’ll want more freedom. It really depends on where you live as well.

Well you've just nailed it. Either the child is mature enough to go to town with his friends, and not be tailed by his mum, or he isnt and you dont let him go yet. This halfway house is not a compromise. Its likely to get the child ridiculed and lose mates at a time when he needs them if they are all starting the next school together.

I said in my previous post I had one that was very reliable and would come home on the dot of whatever time I stated, was always where they said they would be, caused no trouble etc at probably 9 years old (didnt go to town at that age because no mates did) and another who was beyond 11 before I could be sure they were capable of not getting into bother and losing keys/mobile/bus or train tickets/getting lost etc.
But when I did give them freedom I didnt stalk them, I trusted them.
If OP really doesn't trust their child then dont let him go on this trip. Work on the skills needed first. But for gods sake dont stalk him.

@Iwastheparanoidex

The op said she would be tracking him from a distance. Not sitting in a coffee shop.

She literally said she’d be keeping track from a distance by going to have a coffee.

@Congressdingo
Why can’t this be a compromise? Something along the lines of ‘yes you can go into town with so and so, and I will be mulling around in so that I’ll be on hand’. Why is that soooo awful? Does it have to be a fully chaperoned trip OR off to town alone? Why? I really don’t think kids (at 11 - so fairly newly independent) are going to be aghast at someone’s parent being nearby. None of my kids’ friends are vile bullies who would take the piss about a bit of parental supervision at that age.

There’s no ‘stalking’ ffs. That’s just MMetters being dramatic.

My kid is only averagely precious but I have enough memory and empathy to remember those first steps to independence and the feeling of freedom and growing up and how exciting it was to not want that dampened. Funny how Ben’s mum is allowed to be so incredibly precious she can track/trail the kids outing but the kids aren’t allowed to be precious enough to mind.
My ds1 has a medical condition so I probably did put more effort into teaching him independence than some other parents because his life depends on it (unless I trail him his entire life) and I don’t want his nice time spoiled because Ben’s mum couldn’t be arsed to do that for Ben. I know it’s not the end of the world and they’ll have a nice time next week (sans Ben) but I’m not going to gush my thanks on WhatsApp.