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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weird WhatsApp parent behaviour or my social anxiety?

356 replies

IrisAnon · 22/07/2021 21:44

DS 11yrs is meeting up with friends. This will be the first time he's done this I'm also going for a coffee so I can track him from a distance He's part of a close group of friends, but due to COVID, I haven't met any of the other parents. So I thought I would just create a little Whatsapp group to say 'hi' to the other parents, say I'd be tailing along at a distance and to check they'd also heard about the plans.

One very brief response and nothing else. Not even a 'hi there'.....nothing. One asked who this was (understandable - random invite), I intro'd myself and then nothing else.
Is that a bit unfriendly of the other 8 parents, or do I just have weird expectations? It's not like I'm expecting a big chat, just a wave or a 'sounds like fun' or something friendly. Our children are great friends with no drama. Seriously, I'm beginning to doubt that I know how to interact with people after lockdown!

OP posts:
SueSaid · 23/07/2021 10:59

'I've got friends who do similar - stop off for a coffee in the area where their DC are.'

Yes fine. It's the setting up a parents groups chat then being surprised at the lack of reponse that is overinvested and ott.

BananaLlamaFarmer · 23/07/2021 11:01

I do feel for you OP, you’re getting a really hard time on here. I think you were trying to be friendly and take things one step at a time in terms of your son finding his independence.

My son is a couple of years younger than yours and hasn’t done anything like some of the things people are suggesting here. If I followed the accepted trajectory of independence suggested on here, I should be shortly chucking him out to fend for himself so that he didn’t feel ‘smothered’. I would definitely have replied to you and been pleased to get to know the parents of my child’s friends. I’d also be glad someone was looking out for them. They are 11, not 16. I was certainly not visiting big towns at that age, maybe a trip to my local shop or my friends house, but nothing more.

I think some people are rude and antisocial. I’m sorry you have had to experience this. Don’t let the negative posts get to you, you sound like a lovely person and a great parent :)

Clangerschick1 · 23/07/2021 11:01

Another one who thinks you’re nuts to even consider setting up some whatapp group for a simple trip to town and as for having to be on hand incase anything goes wrong I’d be laughing. Your son must be so embarrassed.
Just take him and drop him and go home. Or even better let him get the bus himself. If he’s got a mobile he’ll be fine. Please don’t make a name for yourself already. You’ll forever be known as the stalky woman who could t let her son go into town on his own

Original poster
IrisAnon · 23/07/2021 11:01

Wow....er, okay. Hadn't expected quite so many responses.
This will probably be my last post as there are some really nasty things on here.....call social services because I'm following their child....really?
So, as an update:
Overnight two parents responded saying they were also a bit nervous and are also going in to town and will be supervising from a distance. Strange that. They must be weirdos or deviants too, then. I can't tell you how relieved I am that I'm not the only one with these feelings.

Had they not expressed this (and they wouldn't have been able to if I hadn't created the WApp group), I would be sitting here after reading a lot of these replies feeling really bad about myself all day. I mentioned I had social anxiety, and while I know this is AIBU so and prepared for the worst, there are some responses on here that are worrying. Are people really this harsh in real life? Ah, well.

To answer the breaking confidentiality/ phone numbers being given to my stalker issue, as PPs who have actually read my posts said, I took them from an old existing birthday party group. Classlist is an app where parents can voluntarily add their details, not a paper class list of primary schools. I chose WApp because it's then easier to contact people in one go rather than texting people I don't know individually. I'm not expecting friendship, I'm aware this isn't primary school, but I do feel more comfortable that we can all reach each other if needed.

Incidentally, one of the people who didn't reply has just texted to say that they're running late and can we wait for them....so the group does appear to have had some use after all. A couple of others haven't replied and if they wish to leave the group, of course I wouldn't be offended.
Thanks for the replies....especially the kind ones about my social anxiety. I did ask for opinions and I got them. I'm just a bit Hmm at how brutal people can be. Thanks for that and I hope you feel better for it.

OP posts:
LizzieW1969 · 23/07/2021 11:03

The OP actually said in her title that she was aware that she might be acting out of social anxiety. That clearly is the case, PPs could have given that answer without resorting to being nasty about it. Calling the police or SS, honestly now that really was OTT!!

Bluntness100 · 23/07/2021 11:04

I notice also the ops posts are about her. How this is a big step for her, how she’s over protective etc. Some thought needs to be given to her son

If any of the other kids know she’s his mum and recognise her, the embarrassment will be acute when they point out his mum is following them. It could even leas to bullying or the kids not wanting him around if where ever he goes his mother is trailing them.

It’s important to teach our kids independence. This boy is eleven. Going into town with his friends he should have some guindace, Ie don’t leave the group, if you’re alone call me etc, use x transport. But trailing them, as the op puts it, would not be in the boys best interests unless there is something the op hasn’t told us.

Original poster
IrisAnon · 23/07/2021 11:05

@BananaLlamaFarmer

I do feel for you OP, you’re getting a really hard time on here. I think you were trying to be friendly and take things one step at a time in terms of your son finding his independence.

My son is a couple of years younger than yours and hasn’t done anything like some of the things people are suggesting here. If I followed the accepted trajectory of independence suggested on here, I should be shortly chucking him out to fend for himself so that he didn’t feel ‘smothered’. I would definitely have replied to you and been pleased to get to know the parents of my child’s friends. I’d also be glad someone was looking out for them. They are 11, not 16. I was certainly not visiting big towns at that age, maybe a trip to my local shop or my friends house, but nothing more.

I think some people are rude and antisocial. I’m sorry you have had to experience this. Don’t let the negative posts get to you, you sound like a lovely person and a great parent :)

Thank you so much.
OP posts:
PerciphonePuma · 23/07/2021 11:05

@Bluntness100

I notice also the ops posts are about her. How this is a big step for her, how she’s over protective etc. Some thought needs to be given to her son

If any of the other kids know she’s his mum and recognise her, the embarrassment will be acute when they point out his mum is following them. It could even leas to bullying or the kids not wanting him around if where ever he goes his mother is trailing them.

It’s important to teach our kids independence. This boy is eleven. Going into town with his friends he should have some guindace, Ie don’t leave the group, if you’re alone call me etc, use x transport. But trailing them, as the op puts it, would not be in the boys best interests unless there is something the op hasn’t told us.

Please read the OP's posts properly!!!!! She is not following them! She's sitting in a local coffee shop!!!!
letmesettle · 23/07/2021 11:07

GetOffThatTable

What I will tell you is that in my safeguarding training we were told older men befriend teen boys with small gifts etc they then get the teen boys to chat to teen girls and then the teen boys introduce their "friends" to the teen girls. This is how older men groom teen girls. And it happens, in that shopping centre. And yes it scares the shit out of me.

I have seen the above happen - older teen chatting to younger boy about 12 telling him how to chat to girls, it was chilling - told the parents but I think they thought I was that parent, and they thought it was fine for their 12 year old to be out and about late at night.

Also chilling how they wait it out and groom sometimes for years before they do something awful.

It is hard because you really want your kids to be independent but then you hear about the young boy in woolwich who got stabbed and they were ready for him, and all he was doing was trying to resolve something.

I think I have a flavoured view as also worked for a charity where I saw the grooming. So I think I have a different view to others.

But all you can do is try get your kids playing in a safe way and with lots of different options so they see past others sometimes not great motives!

Zhampagne · 23/07/2021 11:11

To answer the breaking confidentiality/ phone numbers being given to my stalker issue, as PPs who have actually read my posts said, I took them from an old existing birthday party group. Classlist is an app where parents can voluntarily add their details, not a paper class list of primary schools.

No, sorry OP. If I give my number for a specific purpose I’m not giving carte blanche for it to be published elsewhere. It would be more considerate to set up a group with you as the only member and then send invitations to the individual numbers.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 23/07/2021 11:14

I don't think you're strange OP, I think it was a nice thing to do - and I definitely would have replied to say 'hi' if I were one of the other parents.

Iwastheparanoidex · 23/07/2021 11:16

At 11, don’t the children have mobile phones? Couldn’t they have been texting each other?

Iwastheparanoidex · 23/07/2021 11:16

@Zhampagne

To answer the breaking confidentiality/ phone numbers being given to my stalker issue, as PPs who have actually read my posts said, I took them from an old existing birthday party group. Classlist is an app where parents can voluntarily add their details, not a paper class list of primary schools.

No, sorry OP. If I give my number for a specific purpose I’m not giving carte blanche for it to be published elsewhere. It would be more considerate to set up a group with you as the only member and then send invitations to the individual numbers.

This.
Iwastheparanoidex · 23/07/2021 11:18

I never said breaking confidentiality by the way.

What I said was that I’d expect to be asked if I was ok with my number being shared. Told what the purpose was and who it was being shared with before it was shared.

That’s just basic manners.

Ugzbugz · 23/07/2021 11:21

I think a couple of the parents felt the same way well they did as they replied but maybe we're to embarrassed to say hence the delay?

I doubt I would have created a group but would have had no problem being added and I would have replied.

I don't know why people get so aggy about what's app groups 🙄

thetwinkletoescollective · 23/07/2021 11:22

Don't worry op - someone on AIBU suggested I mustn't love my child because I wanted his dad to read the bedtime story for once. There are some nutters out there but its not you!

WorraLiberty · 23/07/2021 11:23

Overnight two parents responded saying they were also a bit nervous and are also going in to town and will be supervising from a distance. Strange that.

Yes, very strange...

Christinayangtwistedsister · 23/07/2021 11:29

It's really hard letting go and getting the balance right, it's something I've struggled with. However , no one wants their child to be the odd one out

It's sounds as if it is sorted and I hope DS has a nice time

Bluntness100 · 23/07/2021 11:29

Please read the OP's posts properly!!!!! She is not following them! She's sitting in a local coffee shop!!!!

Firstly, please try to calm yourself down. Secondly I did. It appears you did not, she specifically said she’d be “trailing” them also.

Christinayangtwistedsister · 23/07/2021 11:33

@Bluntness100

Please read the OP's posts properly!!!!! She is not following them! She's sitting in a local coffee shop!!!!

Firstly, please try to calm yourself down. Secondly I did. It appears you did not, she specifically said she’d be “trailing” them also.

Please don't tail them OP
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 23/07/2021 11:35

Think you are the odd one sorry.

Don't you already know these parents? If these children are "great friends" of your child haven't you known them through school for 7 years? I just would have texted whichever I knew best and said something like "hi laura, Jake says he's meeting tom & the others at Beanz Cafe this morning, is that right? I'm dropping Jake in the high street, I'll check he finds them ok before I head home".

Spacehairdresserandthecowboy · 23/07/2021 11:35

The whole “WhatsApp message from a total stranger” outrage is similarly disingenuous- she’s already said most of the numbers were from a previous WhatsApp about a party (which most people were presumably ok with).

Firstly not all of them were. Secondly a party organisation thing is very different.

I’d be thinking “is this woman going to create a group or make a bit deal every time the kids go and hang out at the park together”.

This isn’t an “event”. It’s a bunch of almost secondary aged children walking around a high street.

HOkieCOkie · 23/07/2021 11:37

I would of come and joined you if I’d been In Said what’s all convo! Why can’t ppl just be nice!

Spacehairdresserandthecowboy · 23/07/2021 11:39

@WorraLiberty

Overnight two parents responded saying they were also a bit nervous and are also going in to town and will be supervising from a distance. Strange that.

Yes, very strange...

😂 Wouldn’t they be more likely to come back and say “oh ok I’ll meet for coffee too”
SueSaid · 23/07/2021 11:41

'It's really hard letting go and getting the balance right, it's something I've struggled with.'

And no-one disputes that. Thing is you do have to get the balance right and setting up WhatsApp group is verging on helicoptering and I bet the other parents thought she was a bit silly.

I'd have gone to a big town too if I was worried my 11yr old couldn't cope but I'd have done it discreetly and just told them to ring if any probs. I certainly wouldn't have busybodied about with unnecessary group chats.