He wants to leave them alone in a hotel room

[OrangeIsTheNewRed]

I have twin dc (6) with my ex and we mostly manage to coparent quite successfully. Occasionally though we have difficulties because of our parenting styles are very different.

In a couple of weeks he is taking them on holiday with his family and new partner. They're staying in the UK but far away and will need to stay in a hotel overnight.

When we were together and stayed in hotels with his family, his sister would routinely leave her young dc alone in the room while the grown-ups had dinner elsewhere in the hotel. She and her partner would check on them every half hour or so throughout the evening. I always thought this was totally wrong and irresponsible and when ex and I had our own dc, I refused to leave them alone and would stay in the room with my dc whilst everyone else got drunk over a long dinner/wedding reception/whatever. He and his family told me that I was paranoid and ridiculous.

We are no longer together (thank God) but now they're going to stay in a hotel and I won't be there. I have asked him to promise me that he won't leave them on their own, but to know avail.

There are so many dangers. Fire, they might wake up and be scared, they could hurt themselves, a member of staff who could be anyone could access the room. Not to mention Madeleine Mcann.

What do I do? Can I stop him taking them altogether? Help.

And yes, name changed but I am a long time regular. Penis beaker, have you cancelled the cheque yet, etc.

@FlyingBattie

Also meant to add- I had a job once where I needed DBS checking as I went into schools for part of it. My manager made it quite clear she didn't trust them and felt they lured people into a sense false of security- as she said, they only prove you haven't been caught doing anything, nothing else.

This. What I was trying to say, even DBS checks don't cover all.

@FlyingBattie

Of course there is a hierarchy of risk. Risk is likelihood x probability. I'm not sure why you want to make it into an argument of which risk is greater. We've pretty much all agree that leaving children in a room alone is a risk we'd not take.

You made it into a hierarchy of risk Flying Battie, with your

which risk is 'primary'.

I didn't thank you. All risks are equal and none should be discounted or put into any kind of hierarchy. that's the point.

Its a poker game. And not one which any responsible parent should be taking part in.

I so agree with you, I would never leave young children on their own in hotel room ever, I feel so sorry you are having to face this for your kids but I 100 percent agree they should not be left alone.

but my DTs were happy to be left for an hour or two and we didn't have any concerns about that.

I think you mean YOU were happy to leave your 6 year old DTs for an hour or two and they survived. They hardly proposed the idea did they? "hey mum and dad why don't you go and have a lovely dinner because we are perfectly happy being here in a hotel room on our own and feel perfectly safe, no no, go, we'll be fine" I doubt it.

at least own who made the decision here.

@Teenagehorrorbag

OK - slightly different view. DH and I did this with our DTs from about that age. Probably only a handful of times ever, and always in small hotels where they were fairly close by, and I would check on them every half hour or so. We weren't getting drunk but having a meal and a social evening without disturbing their sleep in our family room.

No-one could get in, but they could get out if they needed and we showed them where we would be if they wanted us (never big hotels). They were tired and were asleep before we left them, and never stirred. We knew our children - they wouldn't drink the mini bar or run riot when we were gone. We had no concerns about that sort of thing at all.

The only thing that shook me rather when I mentioned it to my sister a few years later - was when she said that if there was a fire or an alarm, we wouldn't be allowed to go upstairs to get them. All guests would be expected to leave, and we would have to rely on the staff/firemen to escort them out. That would be horrific - but hopefully the risks are minimal.

The Madeleine thing is irrelevant as PPs have said - no-one is going to get into a hotel room unless ground floor and windows open. The mini bar and taps etc will depend on your knowledge of your own children. There are so many variables, I don't think you can say it's fine or it's dreadful, without a lot more context.

But if you aren't comfortable with his plans, then that's all that counts. And it doesn't sound as though he is bothered about how you feel, or trying to compromise in any way, so he's a thoughtless pig. I don't know what your/his rights are though legally - but I hope you can sort things so you can relax.....

The very fact you have gone to such lengths to describe why it’s ok suggest you know deep down what you did in fact is anything but

But you would leave your children sleeping in their bedrooms while eating downstairs - you might even have friends round for a BBQ outside while they sleep? What is the difference, really?

Kids are probably more likely to roam around their own familiar house while left alone - and any Maddie style pervert can case your house as easily as a holiday apartment, and far more easily than a one night hotel.

I always risk assess everything we do with our children - and DH thinks I am over cautious, with many things. But actually - apart from the fire alarm, and given my knowledge of my own kids - I would assess this as extremely low risk. Hence our decision to do it - and I stand by that.

As I said before - we all know our own children. Mine are not 'curious' or wanderers. They don't fiddle with stuff. They sleep well and don't get anxious. If one was upset or ill the other would be quite happy to come and find us, having been shown where we would be.

I realise many kids are completely different and their parents wouldn't want to leave them in case they did all the things suggested in previous posts - but that's fine too.

But you would leave your children sleeping in their bedrooms while eating downstairs - you might even have friends round for a BBQ outside while they sleep? What is the difference, really?

Can you seriously not see the difference? (well I think you can't which is why you made the decisions about leaving your children alone) Did you stay only in hotels which were 3/4 bedroom houses?

And laughing at your we know our own children and my children would never do this that and the other (and are superior to those other children who are too dim to be left alone).

The reality is you don't know what your children will do until they do it. That is why parents do risk assessment rather than assessing whether their own 6 year olds would actually open the bottle of tablets/pull the kettle down/choke on a grape/flood the bathroom

you got lucky.

@Pallisers

but my DTs were happy to be left for an hour or two and we didn't have any concerns about that.

I think you mean YOU were happy to leave your 6 year old DTs for an hour or two and they survived. They hardly proposed the idea did they? "hey mum and dad why don't you go and have a lovely dinner because we are perfectly happy being here in a hotel room on our own and feel perfectly safe, no no, go, we'll be fine" I doubt it.

at least own who made the decision here.

And yes I own the decision - but I would never have left my kids if they were worried or upset. We asked them and they were fine.

I only have these twins so maybe it's a bit different from some children - they are very comfortable with each other where perhaps other children rely more on their parents?

@Pallisers

But you would leave your children sleeping in their bedrooms while eating downstairs - you might even have friends round for a BBQ outside while they sleep? What is the difference, really?

Can you seriously not see the difference? (well I think you can't which is why you made the decisions about leaving your children alone) Did you stay only in hotels which were 3/4 bedroom houses?

And laughing at your we know our own children and my children would never do this that and the other (and are superior to those other children who are too dim to be left alone).

The reality is you don't know what your children will do until they do it. That is why parents do risk assessment rather than assessing whether their own 6 year olds would actually open the bottle of tablets/pull the kettle down/choke on a grape/flood the bathroom

you got lucky.

Oh come on - I'm not sure if they were 6 or maybe even 7 (woo) but they were certainly past the age of opening bottles of tablets or pulling the kettle down. They weren't three!

I assume your children have grown up and you've forgotten what they do at each age - but get a grip.......

This happened to me when I was 7. My DF took me to visit his family and we stayed a night in London before continuing travelling to them. I went to sleep and woke an hour later to find him not there. He didn’t come back for three hours and had been in the pub. I was petrified in that hotel room by myself and have never forgotten such a shocking lack of judgement. This was 40 years ago.

Jesus Christ, again with the thread derailers. Glad to see you are getting legal advice OP. Good luck.

And bear in mind that children are allowed to walk to school alone from Year 5. They don't stay toddlers forever......

I'm generally a very relaxed, laid back parent but there is no way in hell I'd be happy with this.
Too many things can go wrong. They are only 6 ffs... he needs a boot in the hole.

Can you imagine if the fire alarm went off?

No way.

@Teenagehorrorbag

And bear in mind that children are allowed to walk to school alone from Year 5. They don't stay toddlers forever......

Y5 is 10yo.

A 10yo is much more sensible and mature than a 6yo.

Additionally, the 10yo will be familiar with the route, possibly walk with a friend, in broad daylight, and have been prepared for it in advance (and have complete autonomy over whether they want to do it and an understanding of what they are doing).

I have a 6yo and a 10yo. There are many things my 10yo is doing and many more freedoms than I allow the 6yo. Because they ate just 6.

Oh come on - I'm not sure if they were 6 or maybe even 7 (woo) but they were certainly past the age of opening bottles of tablets or pulling the kettle down. They weren't three!

I assume your children have grown up and you've forgotten what they do at each age - but get a grip.......

Get a grip? We are having a conversation???

I assume you have no children at all or are very very lucky. But I do think you made very poor decisions about leaving your children. and really there is nothing you can say that will change my mind on that.

Not read the whole thread just bits.

I would not let it happen, if custody arrangements are in place I’d definitely be calling in solicitors. Fuck his family if they think you are paranoid or overly protective, these are your children.

Even if it’s a hotel in the uk where you can only get in and out of the room with swipe cards I would never take the risk. A few years ago we went away staying in a uk hotel. We had gone downstairs for dinner when I realised I’d forgotten my babies formula. I went to get it only to find I couldn’t get into our room. After finally issuing new cards, still didn’t work. Maintenance man came up with me, still couldn’t get in. In the end my DH went to buy new formula as it took 4 hours to get back into the room. If it wasn’t for the formula and tired children it wouldn’t have been a huge issue. But obviously if I’d left my children alone in there it would be.

As a side note, the whole time I was trying to get into the room the people in the next room were screaming at their poor kids. I was going to complain to the hotel as it was really bad, the reason I didn’t was because the maintenance man said he would.

Anything can happen, people in the adjoining rooms can scare and wake your DCs, there may be an issue with locks, lots of family rooms are on first floors, what if someone knocks on the door and the child opens it, what if a child is sick, what if there is a fire….Far far far too many variables.

“vdbfamily
My brother, at the age of 4, walked to meet me from school a mile away with our German shepherd on a lead. He was fine.”

What a wonderful thing, vbdfamily!

The German shepherd would have been a good all round guardian though; and this also does show how little children can make rather unpredictable decisions which could put them in danger though your db was ok.

I’d be ringing the hotel on the night.

@Teenagehorrorbag

And bear in mind that children are allowed to walk to school alone from Year 5. They don't stay toddlers forever......

No shit sherlock.

Leaving kids of this age in hotel room different.

Case closed.

@FlyingBattie

Of course there is a hierarchy of risk. Risk is likelihood x probability. I'm not sure why you want to make it into an argument of which risk is greater. We've pretty much all agree that leaving children in a room alone is a risk we'd not take.

Good that you clarified that Flying battle as your previous posts didn't indicate the same...

Occurred to me that this thread is an absolute gift for paedophiles hanging about.

Maybe those are the ones arguing that it is ok to leave kids under ten on their own in a hotel room?

No surprises there then.

Fucking hell! What a family of idiots! I hope he was dumb enough to text or email you his brilliant idea of leaving your kids alone in a hotel room! I can’t believe people still do that!

I'd worry this this man is not responsible enough to ever have the children alone if he thinks its ok to do this. Just the thought of it breaks me out in a cold sweat at all the things that could go wrong. A 6 year old would get frightened being left alone and thats pretty much a given even of nothing else is, he sounds like a right piece of work! Selfish prick!

This just makes me think of the Madeleine McCann case.