Rude of school mums or not ?

[bto35]

Today is the last day of school for my child is in reception

We have a class WhatsApp group and a couple of days ago a message popped up saying is everybody still coming to the park on the last day of school and what food should they bring?

This is the first that I heard of it. For some context there is a park near the school that I select five parents visit because they live near there on the way home from school so you have to kind of be invited to go there with them and so far I never have been I know have a lot of other parents either so I know this is not just something personal to me on my child

Anyway there was backwards and forwards messages on the class WhatsApp group which does have 30 parents on there and about five are participating in the excitement of bringing cheese sandwiches in Tesco finest and then it all went quiet

What is irritating me about this is that I know for a fact a group invite has not been put out to say hey guys it’s the last day of term our children have gone for reception together everybody is invited instead it’s only for the park group if you like but she put it out to everybody to see on WhatsApp by saying is everybody still coming to the park when not everybody was actually even invited ?!

I just find this really rude as I know I’m not the only parent that’s reading these messages knowing full well that we never knew anything about this and I’ve not been included or invited and I just feel because it was the last day of term for the whole class it would’ve been nice for it to be inclusive to everybody

It’s so ironic to me that the two women that do this kind of behaviour are the ones that represent themselves for class WhatsApp group leaders for the PTA for the fundraising and even for the collection of money and for the teachers gifts yet they’ll take your money but don’t invite you to the park just seems really odd

Am I too invested to be annoyed ? Should I have pointed out that it hasn’t been a class invite so ‘ is everyone still coming’ doesn’t actually mean that

@bto35

Thanks yes your right I wouldn’t want too. Just annoyed me because I feel as a class of you can ask for our money you can sure as hell invite us all along to the picnic at the park

You were asked if you wanted to contribute to the teachers gift, and yuo think that means they have to invite you to anything they do?

That's weird.

Do they have older kids at the school? It's a fairly standard local tradition that all the kids spill out of school to the local park on the last day, at all our local schools. Nobody is organising or inviting but they maybe know if they've done it before.

I doubt very much that you need a sort of invite to join them normally. They have gradually formed a group because they go to the park after school, not formed an impenetrable group that then decided to go to the park. If you want to go, just bring a ball to pick up or something and take your DC to the park. They'll run up to their classmates and you'll probably find yourself talking to whichever mums are there. What do you think is going to happen?

I know these types. They always seemed to me to seek validation by being seen to be part of a group, and unable to stand peacefully in their own thoughts.
Do you really want to be one of them, OP?

I'm so relieved our children's primary school didn't have a year group WhatsApp (or if they did, I wasn't invited )

@Itgetsthehoseagain

I know these types. They always seemed to me to seek validation by being seen to be part of a group, and unable to stand peacefully in their own thoughts. Do you really want to be one of them, OP?

Imagine wanting to have friends. If only everyone could reach the dizzying heights of being such a loner you can’t even respond to a group message without drama or sarcasm. That’s the real dream.

OP reading your posts alone 5 or 6 discussed food they were bringing, others had to dash off, no-one has called out the sly picnic on the group chat.
Do you think you missed the school gate chat, if it is an open event with no organiser whose to give the personal invite from.

I would quite happily take my child to the park... invited or not.

Weird to wait to be invited! It's a public park 😂 Just go to bloody park with your kid.

Why should they organise it for everyone?

You sound a bit entitled.

If you want to go, message them.

Sounds so familiar. The fact these patterns appear across the country makes me wonder wtf people are thinking. Or maybe they’re not.

You can either ask if it’s open to all and then turn up or openly arrange something for the other parents.

It’s shit being left out and yanbu to be pissed off by it but you also need to kind of just ignore them and their clique because they won’t change and you’ve years of this crap to go.

It’s always the PTA mums, isn’t it?

@Alpenguin

Sounds so familiar. The fact these patterns appear across the country makes me wonder wtf people are thinking. Or maybe they’re not.

You can either ask if it’s open to all and then turn up or openly arrange something for the other parents.

It’s shit being left out and yanbu to be pissed off by it but you also need to kind of just ignore them and their clique because they won’t change and you’ve years of this crap to go.

It’s always the PTA mums, isn’t it?

Did you get involved with the PTA?

@Newnormal99

At my daughters primary is a long-standing 'thing' people go to the park on the last day of summer term. It doesn't need an invite people will just go and then parents will sit together.

Very much this. Its just a thing that most of the schools do on the last day

Perhaps they're organising a surprise picnic just for the OP.

The next time she enters the park they'll jump out from behind the trees, clutching Tupperware boxes of homemade muffins and cheese sandwiches, shouting Taa-Daa! 👀

Or she could've just grabbed some food and drink and popped over there with her child after school, like I expect many parents do.

If your child isn’t particularly friendly with those children, I wouldn’t think twice.

If you want to go to the park, go to the park.
If you don’t want to go to the park, don’t go to the park.

I see so many of these "school mums" threads and they are all basically variations on the same theme, which is people getting the hump because they are not all automatically invited to every school-related social occasion.

It's all incredibly petty and childish tbh.

There is some cliquey behaviour at schools but a lot of this boils down to people not being able to accept that they are not going to get an automatic social life handed to them on a plate simply because their kid goes to school with another kid.

You need to step back: you're massively over-investing and this sort of intense behaviour is just going to put people off.

People have every right to form small friendship groups within the broader group of "school mums": its not illegal or even bad manners really. So someone posted on the wrong WhatsApp thread? It's an honest mistake.

Life is too short to go around getting upset about this sort of thing. It's part of life, you can't police people's social behaviour or their choice of friends. And honestly you're sending quite a damaging message to your children if they see you getting worked up over something so trivial.

No wonder secondary school staff like me spend so much time dealing with teens who have zero resilience when it comes to friendship issues and are constantly falling with each other on social media. OP, I'm sorry but a handful of Mums taking their kids to the park and (either intentionally or unintentionally) firming up plans on a group chat is not something that warrants any kind of reaction. I'm glad you decided not to say something as I think that would have resulted in embarrassment for you rather than them.

This thread is fascinating, it's like a fucking Rorschach test for whether or not you made friends at the school gate (for what it's worth, i was a shy woman who accidentally made friends with a social dynamo and ended up being PTA rep with her)

These women are busy, just like you. They have little kids and partners (or not) and dinners to make and jobs to hold down and families and other friends and worries and concerns.

In my experience these people are not thinking 'how can I best insult all the other parents'. I mean be logical - why would they?

And as for them owing you something because you 'gave them money' - you do realise they spent it on the teachers, right? They organised the collection, they collected the money from different sources, they thought about the gifts, they physically went and bought them, they wrapped them up. Did you help? Have you ever, in the entire year, offered to help at a PTA event or do the newsletter in your spare time or keep the list of parents' numbers or set up the WhatsApp group or anything? (Yea, I had a job too, and a family member with terminal illness, and I was a single parent - in fact we both were. We still did it.)

I mean go to the party, don't go to the party, whevs. But a decision to assume that these women are bitches is just that - a decision. And it reflects on you more than it does on them.

If it's not a PTA event why are you relying on them to invite you? They pit it on the whole class group for a reason.

Yeah, they take ALL your money for themselves then put an open invite on a whole class WhatsApp group but because it's not laminated and delivered by an owl, someone (who could have just turned up or piped up) has seen their arse.

Also don’t understand the odd resentment you have about them “asking for your money”. It’s presumably not money they are taking for themselves but using to benefit the teacher or the school as a whole. Your attitude seems as if you think they will put it towards a booze up for themselves or something!

There is some cliquey behaviour at schools but a lot of this boils down to people not being able to accept that they are not going to get an automatic social life handed to them on a plate simply because their kid goes to school with another kid.

This ^^ absolutely 👏👏

And to justify why they don't organise events themselves, help out on the PTA, organise fundraising, organise class presents etc and do all manner of other things that would help them socialise, they prefer to accuse other women of being in cliques, being 'PTA queen bee types' and constantly throwing them dirty looks

Would they walk into a pub full of regulars and expect to be welcomed into all the groups of established friendships, without putting in any effort themselves?

@PacificState

This thread is fascinating, it's like a fucking Rorschach test for whether or not you made friends at the school gate (for what it's worth, i was a shy woman who accidentally made friends with a social dynamo and ended up being PTA rep with her)

These women are busy, just like you. They have little kids and partners (or not) and dinners to make and jobs to hold down and families and other friends and worries and concerns.

In my experience these people are not thinking 'how can I best insult all the other parents'. I mean be logical - why would they?

And as for them owing you something because you 'gave them money' - you do realise they spent it on the teachers, right? They organised the collection, they collected the money from different sources, they thought about the gifts, they physically went and bought them, they wrapped them up. Did you help? Have you ever, in the entire year, offered to help at a PTA event or do the newsletter in your spare time or keep the list of parents' numbers or set up the WhatsApp group or anything? (Yea, I had a job too, and a family member with terminal illness, and I was a single parent - in fact we both were. We still did it.)

I mean go to the party, don't go to the party, whevs. But a decision to assume that these women are bitches is just that - a decision. And it reflects on you more than it does on them.

It’s so true, people are so weirdly paranoid - ‘they gave me a dirty look’ ‘they posted on the wrong group chat about their top-secret meeting in the local park everyone goes to’ ‘the PTA just want money and then they just burn it and it doesn’t benefit my kid or their school at all’. Bonkers.

@Jangle33

Might not be the wrong chat maybe they are happy for everyone to join. You just sound a bit jealous and precious OP

I would have assumed this. You think it was intentionally in that group, it was worded to say 'is everyone coming' if I had posted that I would have expected people to just pop along if they were interested, I wouldn't expect to give any more handholding

It's a park visit. The whatapp message makes it clear that everyone is welcome. You really don't need an invitation to go the park.

@Pumperthepumper oh we kept all the PTA money and all the class gift money and now we are Rich! rich! Beyond our wildest dreams!!!!*

*In total it would probably have bought us a slap-up night at the local Travelodge with breakfast

(I'll always remember someone on here wanting someone to do a time and motion study of PTAs because she suspected they were the least efficient money-making exercise in the history of mankind - almost certainly true )

@chunderwunder

Don't sweat it OP. I recently discovered the existence of a WhatsApp group for everyone in my kid's year. Apart from me seemingly

Oh we were at the school 4 years and I still never got added into the WhatsApp year group chats. Apparently after it all went thermonuclear on them a couple of times - half the year group flounced or stuck them on mute anyway (but I missed all the fun).