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Original poster

Not allowing my 17 year old son to go to London

338 replies

Toooldforschoolruns · 22/07/2021 10:36

Me and dh are away in Scotland for a short holiday from tomorrow. My 19 yr old dd will be home with 17 yr old son and "in charge".

My problem is that ds wants to go to London with a group of his friends while we're away. We live about an hour from London on train so ordinarily if there was a problem we could be down there pretty quick. However, we'll be on west coast of Scotland, so not so convenient.

Are we being unreasonable for not letting him go? He's not happy with us "treating him like a child" but he's a young 17 and not very street smart.

Advice please 🙏

OP posts:
AnnaSW1 · 22/07/2021 14:52

I'd let him go. Any major issue he can call the police!

Standrewsschool · 22/07/2021 14:56

He’s not going to become ‘street smart’ if he doesn’t experience life.

Let him go.

olivesnutsandcheeseplease · 22/07/2021 14:56

Oh gosh, yes absolutely let him go. His sister could go and get him if there was an issue (very very unlikely)

Enjoy your trip away and let him enjoy his day with friends and a bit of independence

LittleGwyneth · 22/07/2021 14:58

@Taliskerskye

I reckon he might end up in a crack den though, they are located in every other house in London, and there are 25 on Oxford street.
Actually most of the Oxford Street crack dens have been closed. The pandemic has taken such a toll on industry, it's tragic.
GreyhoundG1rl · 22/07/2021 14:59

@olivesnutsandcheeseplease

Oh gosh, yes absolutely let him go. His sister could go and get him if there was an issue (very very unlikely)

Enjoy your trip away and let him enjoy his day with friends and a bit of independence

Why would his sister be presumed capable of managing an issue that he couldn't?!
NameChange2PostThis · 22/07/2021 14:59

@Toooldforschoolruns

I should probably have said that my dh was stabbed in London while he was a university student there. This is where the anxiety comes from particularly for my dh. Thanks to everyone who commented, I had a good laugh, mostly at myself. Dh and I are both on a different page now about this Hmm
I’m gonna guess this was at least 18 years ago so your DH needs to get a grip.

Lots of teens live in London. Suggest you help your DS learn how to navigate adult life by giving him good advice and letting him visit. E.g. don’t go looking for trouble, watch your wallet, plan your route.

Unless your DS is planning to take a knife and actively seek out a gang and try to buy drugs, he is extremely unlikely to have anything worse happen to him than being ripped off for overpriced soft drinks.

Your DS is almost an adult, your DH needs to start trusting him.

Thelittleweasel · 22/07/2021 15:07

@Toooldforschoolruns

I would get him to write out the conditions on which he would be allowed to go. Such as no alcohol, specific train back, contacts with family at regular set times and so on.

To emphasise that he has to work it out

GreyhoundG1rl · 22/07/2021 15:09

[quote Thelittleweasel]@Toooldforschoolruns

I would get him to write out the conditions on which he would be allowed to go. Such as no alcohol, specific train back, contacts with family at regular set times and so on.

To emphasise that he has to work it out[/quote]
It's London! He's not signing up to take part in the next space shuttle launch.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 22/07/2021 15:11

Most teens have absolutely not been locked up for 18 months, come on!

July to Nov last year was relatively normal. My teens still went on holidays/days out/weekends away.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 22/07/2021 15:12

Plus the last few months since April/May when pubs and hotels etc opened and shops.

Original poster
Toooldforschoolruns · 22/07/2021 15:23

Update
DS is going to London.

Thanks to all who have commented.

No drip feed but just to address some of the comments:

My son only really started to have a social life outside of the home since his 17th birthday in March. Up until then he really wasn't interested in making the effort to see his mates outside of sixth form, partly because we moved into town from a village just after his birthday which of course changed everything for him as he was able to meet up with friends much easier. Also in the last 18 months my son has either been learning remotely at home because of covid or self isolating at home because of covid so not a lot of opportunity to socialise. In these circumstances London just seems like a big leap in a short time. No SEN, no other issues. This is what I meant when I said he's not very street smart.

It's true I am a protective mother but not overly, and I will never think that's wrong or apologise for it.

Also, we never said he couldn't go to London just that we didn't want him going while we were away in Scotland.

As for my dd, when I said that she's "in charge" it was meant in the context that there is a responsible adult and not that she is the resident skivvy. She gets on very well with her brother and vice versa. She's not expected to deal with problems and issues if they arise but she would if there was the need, including looking out for her brother, as would he.

Hope this clears up a few questions Smile

OP posts:
Abraxan · 22/07/2021 15:24

Also for those surprised that a 17 year old would not be deemed ready for this, please remember they have spent the last 18 months mostly at home with their family and mostly indoors or at least local to home.

My (now) 19y has been out and about plenty this past 18 months, since turning 18y at the start of lockdown 1. Without us, she has been abroad twice, been on various city breaks in the UK, been off to university living away from home most of the year, spent a lot of time outdoors with friends, etc. All of this has been done under the laws at the time and she hasn't broken any rules to do so.

Yes, I know we have had two lockdowns in this time (3 officially but that middle one didn't really do much) but a 17y will have spent a lot of that time out of the home as schools were open for all of the Autumn term, and since early March this year. Out of 18 months around 6 of them were in lockdown where going out was restricted, meaning 12 months he has likely been able to be out and about to some extent.

sweetgingercat · 22/07/2021 15:25

ha ha... I live in London and my 11 year old went out on his own for the first time today... Let him go. He'll never grow up and be street smart if you don't let him...

Abraxan · 22/07/2021 15:26

OP - I am pleased to hear he is able to go to London with his friends; I am sure he will be happy that you are trusting him to go with his friends. I hope he has a great time, and that you do too in Scotland.

Abraxan · 22/07/2021 15:27

@Abraxan

Also for those surprised that a 17 year old would not be deemed ready for this, please remember they have spent the last 18 months mostly at home with their family and mostly indoors or at least local to home.

My (now) 19y has been out and about plenty this past 18 months, since turning 18y at the start of lockdown 1. Without us, she has been abroad twice, been on various city breaks in the UK, been off to university living away from home most of the year, spent a lot of time outdoors with friends, etc. All of this has been done under the laws at the time and she hasn't broken any rules to do so.

Yes, I know we have had two lockdowns in this time (3 officially but that middle one didn't really do much) but a 17y will have spent a lot of that time out of the home as schools were open for all of the Autumn term, and since early March this year. Out of 18 months around 6 of them were in lockdown where going out was restricted, meaning 12 months he has likely been able to be out and about to some extent.

Also for those surprised that a 17 year old would not be deemed ready for this, please remember they have spent the last 18 months mostly at home with their family and mostly indoors or at least local to home.

(Forgot to make the quote bold!)

My (now) 19y has been out and about plenty this past 18 months, since turning 18y at the start of lockdown 1. Without us, she has been abroad twice, been on various city breaks in the UK, been off to university living away from home most of the year, spent a lot of time outdoors with friends, etc. All of this has been done under the laws at the time and she hasn't broken any rules to do so.

Yes, I know we have had two lockdowns in this time (3 officially but that middle one didn't really do much) but a 17y will have spent a lot of that time out of the home as schools were open for all of the Autumn term, and since early March this year. Out of 18 months around 6 of them were in lockdown where going out was restricted, meaning 12 months he has likely been able to be out and about to some extent.

Terhou · 22/07/2021 15:32

I travelled into London from Surrey every day when I was 17 as I went to college there. I also began going out in the evenings with my friends, often to London theatres. We all survived.

gingganggooleywotsit · 22/07/2021 16:03

@Toooldforschoolruns

Update DS is going to London.

Thanks to all who have commented.

No drip feed but just to address some of the comments:

My son only really started to have a social life outside of the home since his 17th birthday in March. Up until then he really wasn't interested in making the effort to see his mates outside of sixth form, partly because we moved into town from a village just after his birthday which of course changed everything for him as he was able to meet up with friends much easier. Also in the last 18 months my son has either been learning remotely at home because of covid or self isolating at home because of covid so not a lot of opportunity to socialise. In these circumstances London just seems like a big leap in a short time. No SEN, no other issues. This is what I meant when I said he's not very street smart.

It's true I am a protective mother but not overly, and I will never think that's wrong or apologise for it.

Also, we never said he couldn't go to London just that we didn't want him going while we were away in Scotland.

As for my dd, when I said that she's "in charge" it was meant in the context that there is a responsible adult and not that she is the resident skivvy. She gets on very well with her brother and vice versa. She's not expected to deal with problems and issues if they arise but she would if there was the need, including looking out for her brother, as would he.

Hope this clears up a few questions Smile

Well done OP. You’ve definitely made the right decision. It will boost his confidence to know that you trust him to cope. Smile
Nat6999 · 22/07/2021 16:07

My 17 year old the week after next is travelling to Aberdeen to catch the Caledonian sleeper train to London, going to the theatre & then catching the Night Riviera to Penzance & then a train back to Sheffield on his own because trains are his thing & he has seen a show he wants to see. In a years time he will hopefully be going to uni & could be living away from home, let your dc have some freedom, they have enough sense to ask for help if they need it.

Topseyt · 22/07/2021 16:16

Well done, OP. I'm sure he will have a great time and all will be fine.

PizzaMaHart · 22/07/2021 16:26

@SupermanWithTheGreyHair

I was married a month after my 17th birthday, I think he's old enough and nice of him to ask.

Some of these comparisons are ridiculous. I don’t think there’s many of us that would want our 16 year olds to get married. This thread seems to have just become one about what we were doing as teens and whose experience is most extreme.

I think it shows how mollycoddled kids are today and how they aren't being brought up to be self sufficient capable functioning adults. It's very sad.
Sandinmyknickers · 22/07/2021 16:41

I grew up in London. Never left the house until age 25 in case I fell into a crack den and my parents weren't close enough to rescue me....

Yabu. Obviously

I'm glad you're letting him go. Whether he is streetwise or not, if some emergency does happen (not sure what), I can't see how being located in a commuter town helps any more than being in Scotland? What are you expecting to need to do?

BunnyRuddington · 22/07/2021 16:49

Thanks for the update. I'm sure he'll have a lovely time and try to relax and enjoy your holiday Smile

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 22/07/2021 16:52

I think it shows how mollycoddled kids are today and how they aren't being brought up to be self sufficient capable functioning adults. It's very sad.

I think there’s something in between being married/travelling alone around the world at 17 and not letting a teen go in a day trip to London. Most parents are somewhere in between, they’d be happy for them to go to London for the day, but ask for a text and tell them to be sensible.

There’s been a few threads on here over the years about parenting in the 80s for example where many people felt the ‘parenting’ was bordering on neglect. I’d agree with that, kids going out at 9am and not being seen or heard of til dinner time from age 5. Parents taking very little interest in their kids schooling, not listening to their kids about their lives and any issues they’re having. Kids being made to feel they’re on their own once they’re 16.
I think it’s a good thing that parents seem to play a more active role in their kids lives. My children are certainly not ‘mollycoddled’, but I know where they are, roughly, and when they expect to be home, they text if that changes. They know that if there’s any issues, they just need to call and I’ll be there. I never had that from my parents, they were distant and detached. It’s possible to be supportive and caring and still raise children who turn into self sufficient capable adults.
I’m not interested in looking cool by providing no support to my kids, like many on here though. There’s no shame in feeling a bit anxious if your kids are away from you and they’re still fairly inexperienced in life, for a loving parent, it’s normal.

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 22/07/2021 16:55

Glad he’s going to London OP. It’s perfectly normal to be protective of your kids, especially Shen they’ve not had much opportunity to get these experiences. It’ll get easier as he does more.... but you’ll always worry a bit just cos you’re his mum. 😊

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 22/07/2021 16:55

In these circumstances London just seems like a big leap in a short time.

Glad he's going to make that leap now he has the chance. He's gone from village to town and he obviously feels ready.

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