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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowing my 17 year old son to go to London

338 replies

Toooldforschoolruns · 22/07/2021 10:36

Me and dh are away in Scotland for a short holiday from tomorrow. My 19 yr old dd will be home with 17 yr old son and "in charge".

My problem is that ds wants to go to London with a group of his friends while we're away. We live about an hour from London on train so ordinarily if there was a problem we could be down there pretty quick. However, we'll be on west coast of Scotland, so not so convenient.

Are we being unreasonable for not letting him go? He's not happy with us "treating him like a child" but he's a young 17 and not very street smart.

Advice please 🙏

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 22/07/2021 14:08

@Toooldforschoolruns

I should probably have said that my dh was stabbed in London while he was a university student there. This is where the anxiety comes from particularly for my dh. Thanks to everyone who commented, I had a good laugh, mostly at myself. Dh and I are both on a different page now about this Hmm
People can be stabbed anywhere, Tooold. It happens unfortunately. If someone is going for a short break to London they are not likely to venture into 'no go' areas but will explore what is interesting, beautiful and fun. There's plenty to do and see, it's a marvellous place. He is also not going alone.

Your son has surely been to London before, with you or school, as you live fairly near.

sanityisamyth · 22/07/2021 14:10

He's 17! Not 7.

TheOriginalMrsMoss · 22/07/2021 14:11

@BigSandyBalls2015

That’s awful for your DH but stabbings happen everywhere
This. London does not have the monopoly on stabbings. It does have a population of just under 10 million people so the perception is probably skewed a little.

It is horrible your DH was stabbed (late disclosure of that pertinent fact) and that experience will obviously colour your view. However, the chance of anything at all happening to your son on a day trip to London with friends is infinitessimally small.

Let him go. This is a great opportunity to let him know you trust him - send him off on his way to have fun. Please don't make a big thing of it (above all please don't list all the possible things that might go wrong and dictate a strategy for each one), just let him be free to have some fun with his friends. He'll work it out.

notmyturnagain · 22/07/2021 14:12

My 17 year old just returned from a weeks holiday with his pals. I can understand your DH anxiety but you need to let your DS spread his wings.

PommieCheeks75 · 22/07/2021 14:13

Let him go with your blessing, he’ll go anyway.

YanTanTethera123 · 22/07/2021 14:14

Take a deep breath OP!
My DS went to Glastonbury aged 16, group of friends, pre mobile phone days. I made sure I had a nose peg when I collected some of them!
He went to university that year, certainly survived without much input from me.
DD and friend hitched around Morocco aged 17, I really don’t want to know what else either of them got up to! I only know they had to sweet talk lorry drivers to get them back across to Spain (flew to/from Madrid) as had run out of money!
No wonder I’m grey, but both DCs survived and thrived!

recededpronunciation · 22/07/2021 14:14

We’re about 90 minutes from London by train. My 17 year old took herself there alone at the weekend and had a great time pottering around.

QueenBee52 · 22/07/2021 14:18

He'll go regardless ...

Cailin66 · 22/07/2021 14:19

My child went to Greece at age 17 with friends. No adults other than some of them who were 18. Let him go so he can become street smart.

whatonearthnow · 22/07/2021 14:20

He's 17, at 18 he is an adult and can do what he wants when he wants without any input from you. Time to let go.

GreyhoundG1rl · 22/07/2021 14:23

Oh, just let him go already, op.
Or do you need another 3 pages of I was married with children and living on another continent at 15 posts first? 😂

Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/07/2021 14:24

YABVU. I was living on my own at that age.

FunMcCool · 22/07/2021 14:24

What on earth!? What do you think 17 year olds who live in London actually do all day?

firstimemamma · 22/07/2021 14:26

I'd just let him go. I agree with ds on the treating him like a child comment. At just one year older than your ds I went abroad for a week with just my friends and left home for uni.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 22/07/2021 14:31

If you live an hour away from London and you are 17 years old then you don't need to be "street smart" to go to London for the day with a group of friends.

I thought I had led a sheltered life but really....?

ElBarstardoMonkfish · 22/07/2021 14:31

Yabu- I was living alone paying rent and going on holidays with friends at that age.

Sorry to hear about your partner being stabbed… but it doesn’t and will not happen to everyone. London isn’t that much more dangerous than anywhere else.

definitely get your anxiety checked out OP.

firstimemamma · 22/07/2021 14:36

Just read your update, sorry about your DH's ordeal ThanksI used to live in London just a few years ago so know it well, ds will be ok.

Mockolate · 22/07/2021 14:37

Not read all the thread, but not sure how you'd stop them at that age.
Can hardly ground them and lock them in!
At 17 he's old enough to go for days out by himself with his mates.

Mockolate · 22/07/2021 14:39

Arrgh, sorry, just seen your update about your DH Sad Flowers
Still though, as awful as that is, you can't worry too much about letting them out (I say this as a massive worrier about my teens!) otherwise you'll end up driving yourself up the wall.
They need to be able to go out with friends and not have my anxiety infringe upon them,

shreddednips · 22/07/2021 14:40

Sorry to hear about your DH. But I don't think your DS should even have to ask for permission to do something so ordinary at his age. I get that he's not savvy, but he's not going to get any savvier unless you let him be more independent.

malovitt · 22/07/2021 14:43

@Noapplejustcrumble

You should of course let him go.

But I think that all the posters talking about what they used to do when they were 17 is not comparable to today. My DC is 17, and has been in lockdown since the age of 15. He has missed out on all these experiences which are normally done gradually over the teen years, and is all of a sudden doing them all now, so is less streetwise than I would have been at that age.

Absolutely, well said.

My sons were born and raised in central London but when they were 17 there were areas that they had to be wary about being in. I had no idea until they went to a party in the 'wrong' area and I had to drive to collect them as they were reluctant to leave, even en masse. It certainly opened my eyes. It's not exactly the Crips and the Bloods but in certain places/situations your son and his friends should have their wits about them. Phone snatching by moped/escooter is pretty rife in Camden at the moment so be mindful of that if he's going to the market and keep valuables out of sight as much as possible.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/07/2021 14:43

The level of knife crime is scary, I'd be worried too.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 22/07/2021 14:43

I should probably have said that my dh was stabbed in London while he was a university student there. This is where the anxiety comes from particularly for my dh.

I am sorry to read that Sad Yes that will have an effect on your DH, but a group of friends in town for the day will be pretty safe and he shouldn't let his experience make him over-protect DS. It's unfortunate that you're away so you can't all talk it through properly. If DS has never been to town before then I'm sure you'd all feel better if you've talked through city safety precautions - stay together, don't wander off, don't quarrel with strangers, don't get distracted by pickpockets and cardsharps, etc.

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 22/07/2021 14:49

Fair play OP for changing you mind and realizing that you and your DH were being silly. I’m sure you will still get a million more replies telling you how you are being unreasonable.

You do really need to watch that you move your relationship with your children from one where you are treating them as children to one where you are treating them as adults. It won’t stop you worrying but it will help your kids a lot. I was always very careful not to baby my kids as teens and I’m sure it meant they came to me for advice and help when they needed than if I had babied them. (Although TBF my kids were not that crazy…..Well, not that I know of😅)

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2021 14:51

@Toooldforschoolruns

I should probably have said that my dh was stabbed in London while he was a university student there. This is where the anxiety comes from particularly for my dh. Thanks to everyone who commented, I had a good laugh, mostly at myself. Dh and I are both on a different page now about this Hmm
I get that. I will tell you my dd’s story.

My dd has a medical condition, where her heart stops beating. It automatically restarts. But that makes her incredibly vulnerable as she’s effectively dead for around a minute and unconscious for maybe 10 mins. She then can’t move for a couple of hours.

She’s 13. They don’t happen often but she has had 3 this year. I still let her go out without me. It is important she becomes more street smart as she isn’t right now, partly because of her medical condition and partly because I’m disabled and ill and as a result she has missed steps.

She took a bus to the nearby city with a group of friends a month or so ago. I’m going to have to go through the extreme angst of allowing her to go further away as she gets older. This is something for her to manage and me to guide. Not me to dictate nor to prevent her from doing things her friends do because I’m petrified of the ‘what if’.

The situation is the same with your ds. Your dh was stabbed. I get you are both very afraid. But this is your dh’s journey, not your ds’s. The stabbing is not your ds’s burden nor responsibility. Instead of teaching him to be aware of his surroundings, you’ve kept him naive and young for his age.

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