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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not allowing my 17 year old son to go to London

338 replies

Toooldforschoolruns · 22/07/2021 10:36

Me and dh are away in Scotland for a short holiday from tomorrow. My 19 yr old dd will be home with 17 yr old son and "in charge".

My problem is that ds wants to go to London with a group of his friends while we're away. We live about an hour from London on train so ordinarily if there was a problem we could be down there pretty quick. However, we'll be on west coast of Scotland, so not so convenient.

Are we being unreasonable for not letting him go? He's not happy with us "treating him like a child" but he's a young 17 and not very street smart.

Advice please 🙏

OP posts:
DirtyDancing · 22/07/2021 12:17

@Reallyreallyborednow

I would be a little anxious but I would let him. I would talk through what their plan is eg train times/stations/what they are planning to do, how to get around, get home etc and make sure he knows what he's doing, and what to do in the event that friends start doing something stupid. And then keep in touch by text on the day to reassure you all is well

He’s fucking 17!

My 16 year old is going to Reading festival in a couple of weeks. Camping with mates on site. I’ve told her to watch her drinks and her mates, and don’t hesitate to go to the medical tent or seek out police.

Day trip to London? Crack on and call me if you need.

This! 17 and you need to sit down and discuss the ins and outs of a day out?!

My mum was super strict due to the death of my sibling in a road traffic accident. Trust me, let him crack on. He'll go wild one day.. either that or not have a scoobie about life. Seriously, he needs to learn basic life hacks- use the washing machine, change a bed, cook an egg.. go out for the day with his mates.

ancientgran · 22/07/2021 12:18

@Toooldforschoolruns

I should probably have said that my dh was stabbed in London while he was a university student there. This is where the anxiety comes from particularly for my dh. Thanks to everyone who commented, I had a good laugh, mostly at myself. Dh and I are both on a different page now about this Hmm
I don't know the stats but are touristy places particularly dangerous? Obviously there are likely to be places in London that are a bit dodgy like any big city (or indeed any small town, if you ask my GSs where not to go in our small town they would tell you) but they aren't the areas he's likely to be going to are they?

I suppose after something like the Euro finals then trouble can start anywhere so that might be worth checking.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/07/2021 12:18

I’m always a bit confused at where parents think their children will acquire these ‘street smarts’ and life skills if they aren’t allowed to develop them?

It’s not something you get from reading a book or watching an internet video. Kids need to actually do things and experience things to gain these skills.

OP tell your son to be smart, make good choices and have fun in London. You and your DH will have to cut the apron strings at some point. And honestly 17 is a good time to do it.

Biancadelrioisback · 22/07/2021 12:20

I'm in Newcastle and I went to London on a mega bus at 16 with my friends. You have to let him go!.

TotorosCatBus · 22/07/2021 12:21

I think you're being unreasonable. If he's 17 then won't he be at uni in a year?

I live a similar distance from London and would allow it.

ArsenicNLace · 22/07/2021 12:22

@Toooldforschoolruns

I have read your update so can understand the concern however being over protective of a child does them no favours. They need to be allowed to make their own mistakes so they develop their own independence and street smarts. They never will if they're not allowed any independence and all that will happen is they'll leave home at 18 totally unable to deal with modern life.

When he was 16 I let my son travel from our northern city by train to a welsh city, stay 2 nights overnight in a hotel to attend an event then travel down to London to meet us for a family weekend. Yes I was concerned, but we had phone contact if there were any issues and all was fine. Independence is a vital skill.

saoirse31 · 22/07/2021 12:22

I am shocked tbh a 17 year old is asking you permission to go on a day out.... You really need to let him grow up a bit. Let him go, tell him you trust him and to contact u , DD or DH if any trouble. And stop treating like a 14 year old unless there's reasons you haven't mentioned

TotorosCatBus · 22/07/2021 12:23

This is a good opportunity to get some street smarts. He's 17. You're lucky he asked rather than just went.

bookworm20 · 22/07/2021 12:24

Good to see you've changed your mind. Is he the youngest? Sometimes we need a bit of a head wobble to realise they'll be fine and need to do these things without parental backup all the time.

Plus if hes going with friends, I'm sure there's plenty of other parents available to get there should a serious situation arise that calls for it.

saoirse31 · 22/07/2021 12:24

Even and maybe especially with your update, you need to let him grow up

godmum56 · 22/07/2021 12:25

I was born in London and was travelling to school in central London by bus/tube from age 11 and going out shopping on my own from the same age. Yes it was years ago but still, its no big deal.

ClaudiaWankleman · 22/07/2021 12:25

If he's a 'young 17' and not very street smart then he needs to buck his ideas up. That translates to being unemployable, with no common sense and certainly not relationship material.

Getting into a few scrapes will be the making of him. Although he's not going to find it in Central London for a day. It's the bloody safest place there is.

Let him go then give him a kick up the arse

A slight reach @Malin52

But yes OP, do send him out for a bar fight. It's the salt and pepper on the top of his A level schooling that will get him his first job.

janinlondon · 22/07/2021 12:28

Vast numbers of 11 year olds going to secondary school in London use public transport and get themselves around.........YABU

movingadviceneeded · 22/07/2021 12:29

I went on holiday with friends to America at 17!

JungleBeats · 22/07/2021 12:32

West Coast of Scotland ... ah you lucky things ! I'm book to go in September! Have a great time!

(We live in London and neither of my DS have ever been stabbed - let him go).

VienneseWhirligig · 22/07/2021 12:32

I let DS go at 16 with friends for a football match at Wembley - we live in the Midlands. I just topped up my Oyster card and gave it to him, and told him to be careful. It was fine. I was going to the same match with DH and staying overnight, but we were travelling separately and not meeting up inside the stadium or after the match - DS and his friends got the train home to an empty house.

Cheeserton · 22/07/2021 12:35

Kids go and live in London full time for university at 18...

Lottie4 · 22/07/2021 12:39

It's about growing up. DD travelled up to look at a university in London at the age of 17 (we couldn't get time off work). She booked ticket, navigated the tube and survived.

SoupDragon · 22/07/2021 12:41

@lockdownstones

correction *So currently a 17 year old would not have been under restrictions, including total lockdown, since the age of 15,
We have not been under total lockdown for 18 months solid. It has been perfectly possible to have gone out. My children certainly did. DD (then 14) went down to Brighton with her friends for a start.
theemmadilemma · 22/07/2021 12:43

I lived in the South East about an hour from London as a child. We were getting the train into London as a group of friends from 14/15. You're way over protective here. Provided they're staying in usual public places, the likelihood of anything terrible happening to them is no greater than anywhere else.

Topseyt · 22/07/2021 12:46

He is 17, so in a few months he will be 18 and you will then have no authority to stop him going at all.

Stop babying him. Let him grow up. Ask that he sends you the odd text or WhatsApp message to reassure you that he is OK.

It is unfortunate that your DH encountered violence when he was living in London, but you can literally encounter it anywhere. I live in a large but peaceful village about an hour north of London. We still get the odd incident such as a ram raid at the fuel station and a knife attack at the till in the local newsagent's shop.

London is a great city. Sure, it has it's problems but you can't avoid that anywhere. Wits about you and you will very likely be absolutely fine.

In the end there is only one way that street smartness is fully learned. Experience.

He is going with a group of friends too. There is also safety in numbers so it could be ideal. They may all look out for each other.

JassyRadlett · 22/07/2021 12:47

@Toooldforschoolruns

I should probably have said that my dh was stabbed in London while he was a university student there. This is where the anxiety comes from particularly for my dh. Thanks to everyone who commented, I had a good laugh, mostly at myself. Dh and I are both on a different page now about this Hmm
OK, I can understand this - my own DH pretty much refuses to go to Poplar because he was mugged there once more than 20 years ago. I pointed out that he'd also been mugged in his home city but apparently that's different. Emotional reactions can be really tough, but good for you for separating the emotion from the reality.

And I think the reality is that unless you're doing really really stupid things, it's almost always safer to be a tourist somewhere than to live there - because when you live somewhere you probably take more chances, go more places that are off the beaten track, and spend more time with other residents.

pontiouspilates · 22/07/2021 12:47

I'm not sure why you would have a problem with this? My 15yr old DD is out and about in London all the time and I've never felt the need to be 'on standby'

BigSandyBalls2015 · 22/07/2021 12:48

That’s awful for your DH but stabbings happen everywhere

TheCrowening · 22/07/2021 12:50

No, definitely London. I appreciate it’s probably nothing unusual and all media bias, but I keep getting news stories like this crop up in my feed;
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2021/07/06/two-teenagers-stabbed-death-london-sadiq-khan-warns-violence/

It’s not The Purge.

OP really it’s no wonder your son is young for his age. When exactly is he going to be allowed to grow up? Your husband needs to deal with his own anxieties - I understand his views are coloured by his own experiences but that’s no excuse to hold your children back in their own lives.

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