Not allowing my 17 year old son to go to London

[Toooldforschoolruns]

Me and dh are away in Scotland for a short holiday from tomorrow. My 19 yr old dd will be home with 17 yr old son and "in charge".

My problem is that ds wants to go to London with a group of his friends while we're away. We live about an hour from London on train so ordinarily if there was a problem we could be down there pretty quick. However, we'll be on west coast of Scotland, so not so convenient.

Are we being unreasonable for not letting him go? He's not happy with us "treating him like a child" but he's a young 17 and not very street smart.

Advice please 🙏

@Highfivemum

I wouldn’t let him go. Not if I wasn’t in a reasonable distance to help if needed. That’s just me though and I think I am over protective due to life’s experiences.

That's understandable, as is the OP's dh's view given his experience.

But the only way our children can learn to recognise situations and deal with the unexpected is by experiencing life, and having those apron strings loosened bit by bit.

There is no one more vulnerable than a newly freed young person who has never been allowed to go anywhere without support. Surely no one wants their adult children to remain vulnerable?

At 17 I was a University hundreds of miles from home.
This seems rather over protective.

If he's not streetwise then the way to improve this is surely to practise in low-stakes situations - a bit like this. He'll have a lot of friends around him so he won't get lost on his own or anything. This is the perfect situation to improve his confidence and street awareness, so you should encourage it.

I would have laughed if my parents had told me that I couldn't go on a trip with my friends at 17. It's really too much control to have over someone who is nearly an adult. You say that he's a 'young 17' but what do you expect if you don't allow him to take his own risks?

I went to London for 4 days from a tiny town in the Lake District 3 days after my 18th birthday with a friend to meet up with some other friends to go to a huge fan convention.

My parents were very unhappy about it and tried to persuade me not to go, but the more they fought against it the more I was determined to go and the less information I gave them (because the less they knew the less arguments they could make for me not to go).if I had had issues then my parents would have been the last people I would have called for help for fear of the "I told you so"s, fortunately it went without a hitch and we had a great time.

The best thing is to do is agree that he should call or text a couple of times (when he arrives in London and when he's heading home) and if he gets in trouble, obviously, but otherwise leave him to it.

I don't see how you can stop him going, frankly. He's old enough to leave home without persmission. Presumably he and his friends have plans regarding what they will do in London and have found somewhere decent to stay.

It's quite normal for 17 year olds to go away with friends to all sorts of places.

I wasn't even living at home at 17!

OP sounds like you realise you're being a bt precious. It does sound to me though like your DH's bad experience might be having a far more long term effect than just this one trip - is your DS lacking street smarts because you (both) haven't allowed him to get out and about and learning how to navigate?

DH had very over protective parents and it has taken a lot of effort on his part to break the patterns. Intellectually, he totally sees that it's up to us to give our children the skills he didn't get. But it has been hard for him to do it. But he's doing a really good job of changing. Sadly, same can't be said of his sister who has absorbed all the "world is dangerous" messages to an extreme degree and whose DS, I suspect, won't be allowed out of the house alone until he's 21.

How would you have known if he'd lied to you?

My dh had a very over-protective mother who didn't let him or his sister go anywhere more than walking distance from home. So what did they do? Of course they lied to her, went anyway and were probably at far greater risk because they were never where they'd said they'd be.

If your ds feels he can tell you honestly where he's going and who with because you trust him to be sensible, he's far more likely to keep telling you the truth and be safer.

My parents left me alone in the house for a week when I was 17 to go to a conference. In lieu of advice I would probably have ignored "in case something happens", they left me something actually useful: some money.

Well, something did happen; part of the plumbing went wrong and I suddenly had water pouring through a ceiling. I didn't want to disturb their holiday, so I sorted it out. Admittedly a friend's dad talked me through raising the stopcock in the attic over the phone to drain the system, but I did it, and I got an emergency plumber in and sorted it all out.

And it did me a world of good. There are people reading this right now going "oh, but I would never want my precious baby to struggle like that on their own with the stress and the pressure! They should call me! I have trained my little one to always call me!" And I'll tell you the truth; having called my parents rather than sorting it out myself would have taken away from me something immeasurably precious and valuable. I proved to myself I was capable and could think my way through a minor emergency. I felt responsible and grown up. I tackled a new challenge successfully. That did far, far more for me than my parents sorting it out remotely would have done.

My sons started going on holiday abroad with friends at 16,you have to let go one day.

@GreyhoundG1rl

The 17 year old's living in London are still allowed out... 🤷🏻‍♀️

LOL! Yup a house full of teens who are allowed out in London gasp. He will be fine - you need to allow him some freedom. In his shoes I would just go anyway.

My children (raised in London) have been allowed to travel unaccompanied from the age of 11. they are very shrewd and streetsmart. We have also allowed them freedom to go off when abroad too. I think it's been really beneficial for them.

Let him go, only an hour away from home and you obviously feel his sibling is able to cope with a crisis as you have gone on holiday

It is good he has told you, if you say no he won't be so up front next time.

My son, we also live about an hour from London used to go there fairly regulary on sight seeing trips with his friends at that age.

Yikes .. he’s 17, let him go.
Me and my friends used to go a lot from the age of about 12/13 and we were 45 mins away by tube

What are you thinking might happen that your physical presence could solve?

Granted if he were taken ill and hospitalised you'd be further away - you would have to send your DD/another adult to be with him while you travelled down. But realistically that would only be 8 hours or so as you would be flying down as soon as you heard!

You would be able to work something out should that very unlikely eventuality come to pass.

If he misses the last train home, he would have to go and stay in a hotel. Not ideal but not end of the world. He can call you and you can send him money.

I would let him go subject to him saying he will let you know how he is getting on and when he is back home, maybe?

My friend and I went from the north west for a cycling holiday in Mull for a week at aged 15 .... there were no phones or tracking or debit cards .. our only contact was one call home from a payphone at a prearranged time, plus we ran out of cash so were hungry for 24 hours on the last days.

No one died

Sorry to hear that your dh got stabbed in London as a student but I expect the circumstances were pretty different (night out ? / not central London?) from a day trip to London among 17 years olds, where they are going to be doing the usual tourist traps during the day (and the worst crime likely to be encountered is pick pocketing) I can't imagine they are going to get much further than Leicester Square / Hyde Park / Oxford Street etc?

I was in London for a mini break on Tuesday night and Wednesday this week. Its a fab time to go - there is still quite a bit of life about, but its 50% quieter than it would normally be during school summer holidays due to Covid and negligible numbers of foreign tourists. The tube was not packed like sardines (but busier during rush hour), with plenty of spare seats, and you could easily get a table for food and drinks at lunch time in Covent Garden (always a bun fight normally at this time of year). So its reassuringly lively in the tourist areas but not claustrophobically jam packed like it usually is.

There's a whole shop selling Jordans in Covent Garden btw (I went with my dd as a 19th birthday treat)

He needs to go to places on his own,or with friends at this age,its called independence. I remember that my son and daughter at that age,went off to London, Ireland and Paris and Amsterdam.

I think it’s fine if it’s for the day but I wouldn’t be happy if it was clubbing all night and getting home in the early hours if I wasn’t there.

We're in Surrey and my kids have been traveling to London with friend without adult supervision since they were about 14. So I would definitely let a 17 year old go with friends.

YABU He’ll be with mates whose parents will presumably be able to rescue them in an emergency, or your 19 year old can.

Definitely old enough for some independence!

You should of course let him go.

But I think that all the posters talking about what they used to do when they were 17 is not comparable to today. My DC is 17, and has been in lockdown since the age of 15. He has missed out on all these experiences which are normally done gradually over the teen years, and is all of a sudden doing them all now, so is less streetwise than I would have been at that age.

I agree that lockdown has changed a lot for youngsteres, Noapplejuicejustcrumble.

They have to start somewhere and there is safety in numbers. I just re-read the opening post and see that you (op) only live an hour away from London. That is commuting distance. Also your son's older sister will be at home. However there's no reason to think he'll run into difficulties.

You can't stop him going anyway so let him go with good grace, making sure he has enough money etc.

Part of being a parent is learning when to start to let go. At 17 he should be allowed a bit of freedom. This sounds like an ideal opportunity to let him prove that he is almost an adult. It'll be fine I'm sure. Maybe provide him with some cash in case he loses his cash card???

I think yabu. I went to London on the train when I was 14. I was more like 3/4 hours away.

How will he ever get street smart if you don’t let go out and learn. What’s the worst that can happen? Teach him to look after his wallet, carry some spare cash or card, have his phone charged etc.

Travis Ludlow was flying solo at 17 and has flown around the world on his own at 18 .... not going on a day out to London at 17? you are really not doing your son any favours by being so overprotective.