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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 8 week old baby for the weekend?

390 replies

SheABitSpicyToday · 22/07/2021 10:30

My best friend is having her hen weekend 8 weeks after I’m due to give birth. Will likely be more as I think I’m being induced early. It’s only 20 minute drive away and am taking my own car so can be home if I need to be or can get taxi.
Husband is actually looking forward to having the weekend to bond with baby by himself. Didn’t think anything was wrong until my sister said it was a disgusting thing to do and that the baby will be traumatised by it. I think she’s being Ott but do you think this is a terrible thing to do?

OP posts:
cinammonbuns · 22/07/2021 10:45

@Halfwaytoholiday what needs of the bay will be ignored if you don’t mind me asking? Presumably men are able to care for children or you don’t think so?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/07/2021 10:45

No, I wouldn’t and wouldn’t be happy if DH wanted to leave them at that age for the weekend either. Once older, happy for either of us to have sole care but a tiny baby is very different.

cinammonbuns · 22/07/2021 10:45

*baby

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 22/07/2021 10:45

I wouldn’t have been able to even if I’d wanted to due to breastfeeding. But tbh I wouldn’t anyway. Baby will be used to you. Doesn’t matter that it’s the other parent, they don’t know that and it’s you they want and need when they’re that tiny. I don’t think you will want to when it comes to it.

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 22/07/2021 10:45

I think it's OK as you could get home if necessary. Of course you need to see how you feel at the time and how the baby is doing. I would talk to your friend about that now and just let her know you will have to see how things go. As long as she is understanding and wouldn't be upset if you couldnt make it or had to leave early that's fine. As a pp said dh will need to be doing 50/50 care so the baby is totally used to being cared for by him when you go. I did most of the care for my baby and she would really only go to other people for an hour or so before wanting me. So it's really important if you are going to be away that the baby is comfortable with being left with dh for long periods even before you go.

MyDcAreMarvel · 22/07/2021 10:45

I agree with your sister, at that age babies want/need their mothers. A toddler upwards is fine. Also how would you cope being away from your tiny baby?

Halfwaytoholiday · 22/07/2021 10:45

Well it hasn't been commented on otherwise. I might have imagined I could bf and express enough for a full weekend, again prior to having my first dc. Weddings/hen dos etc seem to be vastly significant to many mumsnetters in a way I don't personally understand so anything is possible!

Hadenough21 · 22/07/2021 10:46

I wouldn’t have been able to leave mine at that age due to breastfeeding but also just really didn’t want to be away from them, but I know others who have happily gone on a night out at that point and left them overnight. Everyone’s different but you just won’t know until your baby is here and you’re a few weeks in! I wouldn’t want the pressure looming over me though personally. If it’s only 20 mins away why don’t you just say you won’t stay overnight but you’ll try to come along for a bit depending on what works with the baby?

cinammonbuns · 22/07/2021 10:46

@Candlecandlesss no most have said they would never do it. Which is an implicit judgement.

Bythemillpond · 22/07/2021 10:46

I don’t think the baby would be traumatised but I would have been.

I don’t think you can make a decision until nearer the time.

Ragwort · 22/07/2021 10:46

Totally agree cinnamon, and even the passive aggressive comments 'It's not something I would have done, but I wouldn't judge' are not very helpful.

Of course it's fine, you are leaving the baby with its father, not some random stranger, no wonder so many men feel blocked out, too many mothers see their role as "most important parent'' and feel the need to control how their DP/DH looks after his own child.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 22/07/2021 10:47

Course they are cinnamon but an eight week old baby had one bond with a primary caregiver and that is usually the mum. Because that’s who’s given birth and often breastfed. Tiny babies are different from older children. All their needs are with mum.

Marmitemarinaded · 22/07/2021 10:47

No not unreasonable

But simply can not fathom my sister or I talking to each other in this way. In any scenario whatsoever

Totally alien to me.

gogohm · 22/07/2021 10:48

Baby is being left with their dad, there's nothing wrong with that. You may find it's you who isn't keen to go though, baby won't care

Halfwaytoholiday · 22/07/2021 10:48

[quote cinammonbuns]@Halfwaytoholiday what needs of the bay will be ignored if you don’t mind me asking? Presumably men are able to care for children or you don’t think so?[/quote]
Continuity of care for a baby in the "fourth trimester". No idea so far what the needs of this baby will be as it isn't born yet, but access to its primary care giver (assuming the father is back at work by 8 weeks in, as most dads are).
I absolutely think men can care for children, my dh was a sahd when I returned full time from ML.

Twickerhun · 22/07/2021 10:48

Nope no way would I have gone away from either of mine for that long at such a young age.

Marmitemarinaded · 22/07/2021 10:50

@Ragwort

Totally agree cinnamon, and even the passive aggressive comments 'It's not something I would have done, but I wouldn't judge' are not very helpful.

Of course it's fine, you are leaving the baby with its father, not some random stranger, no wonder so many men feel blocked out, too many mothers see their role as "most important parent'' and feel the need to control how their DP/DH looks after his own child.

They are not passive aggressive fgs. Only perceived as such if hit a nerve

And I don’t even fall in to that category ie I would totally go (I went for a night away at 10 weeks!)

IncludeWomenInThePrequel · 22/07/2021 10:50

@MrsN100

I wouldn't do that at 8 weeks, leave my baby for a party of all things. A weekend away is just far too long. I'm with your sister on this.
Why is it too long? The baby will be with its other parent.

A party 'of all things'? That's very judgemental.

Can we only leave our babies with their dads for appropriately important occasions?

cinammonbuns · 22/07/2021 10:50

Thank you @Ragwort. And then in a few years people rant about their husband assuming they are the primary carer and how annoying society is for saying that women are the default carers. Well attitudes like this are exactly why that narrative still continues. I see no reason why a man and a women cannot be equal parents from birth. And no babies do not cry only or their mothers. They cry for those who they have an attachement with.

I watched a really interesting reality show about men in Asia taking care do their children alone without the mother there. Within a few weeks the children would cry for their father as much as their mother and called their father their favourite parents. It’s social conditioning that only women can be the primary parent and that they should be chained to the house once they give birth.

PRsecrets · 22/07/2021 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cinammonbuns · 22/07/2021 10:52

@Halfwaytoholiday and what basis are you assuming that the mother is the primary carer considering the baby has not even been born yet.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 22/07/2021 10:52

Personally I couldn't do it but many women do. Baby won't be traumatised so that os a ridiculous thing for your sister to say.

Just br aware that you mentally might not be able to leave your baby for so long. My cousin had a hen do when my baby was about 4 months and her sisters was a month. I said right away I wouldn't go as would be breast feeding and it was my second and I knew I couldn't go away that long. My cousin was guilted by her sister to pay for trip while still pregnant saying she would be fine to leave baby (neither had, had a baby at that point).

Youdiditanyway · 22/07/2021 10:52

I couldn’t have left mine at that age because I breastfed them all. I don’t think I’d have been able to stop worrying about them all night as well tbh. If you’re formula feeding and feel up to it though, no issue with baby being left with Dad for the night.

Candlecandlesss · 22/07/2021 10:53

I don't think leaving the baby with dad in itself is a problem but like some have said, depending on the circumstances, the baby may well be more attached to the mum at this stage - again that is a fact not just being judgemental. And most said they didn't do it themselves - I don't see this as implicit judgement - the poster asked for an opinion.

NewYearNewTwatName · 22/07/2021 10:53

cinammonbuns

I don't think anyone is saying anything about equal parenting. posters have just pointed out more about where your Hormones and mental state might be at, at that time, or just sheer exhaustion at that time.

DH was absolutely fine with looking after our DC, but I couldn't physically not be within the same house or know that it was only a couple of hours before they would be in my reach again. nothing to do with DH not capable.

DH he could crack on looking after them day and night all weekend.......just as long as I knew they where close by.

But again not everyone has that or lasts that long, its different for everyone. I wouldn't judge any mother who could go away for a weekend.

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