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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave 8 week old baby for the weekend?

390 replies

SheABitSpicyToday · 22/07/2021 10:30

My best friend is having her hen weekend 8 weeks after I’m due to give birth. Will likely be more as I think I’m being induced early. It’s only 20 minute drive away and am taking my own car so can be home if I need to be or can get taxi.
Husband is actually looking forward to having the weekend to bond with baby by himself. Didn’t think anything was wrong until my sister said it was a disgusting thing to do and that the baby will be traumatised by it. I think she’s being Ott but do you think this is a terrible thing to do?

OP posts:

ChooChu · 22/07/2021 11:35

Not something I could have done and I think you may feel differently once the baby is here... although I know this isn't always the case.
My friend had a baby 3 weeks ago and is still struggling to get enough sleep and is currently almost permanently attached to her child...
I could imagine this being more doable at around 6 months - not 2.

Twodogsandababy · 22/07/2021 11:36

My little girl is 4 months old and the longest I’ve left her was yesterday for a 20 minute doctors appointment while she was asleep and with her dad outside. I don’t mean that in a pious martyr way - I haven’t wanted to leave her! She will happily go to other people for a cuddle and play, but you are your babies point of reference. They recognise your smell, your voice, your movements. You are their safe place. That’s not to say dad shouldn’t be involved and bond etc. or that they are absolved or any responsibility but you are their home. They have no object permanence at that age and don’t understand that you still exist when they can’t see you. It’s impossible to know how you’ll feel under they’re here. You may have a traumatic/difficult delivery especially if you’re induced, you may be breastfeeding and not want to express, you may be suffering from PND or your partner may be struggling with adapting. The newborn phase is a beautiful time but it’s also a complete shock to the system no matter how prepared you are! I would say you’ll see how you feel and decide closer to the time.

whoisit12 · 22/07/2021 11:36

I don't necessarily thing it's 'wrong' but I don't think you will want to go at all when the time comes

Stormyequine · 22/07/2021 11:36

It won't do the baby the slightest bit of harm. I'd be more worried about how you will feel about it. I left my baby for a few days at a similar age, for something booked before he was born. I didn't feel I could back out of it at the time and I still regret it now. Not because DS was harmed by it, he absolutely wasn't, but because I still feel awful that I left him. I didn't enjoy myself at all, and spent the whole time I was away panicking about how he was without me.

Morechocmorechoc · 22/07/2021 11:36

I would have been way too tired and traumatised to leave my tiny little baby. I had a 4 month old on my hen do as parent didn't want to leave baby. Granny came too and helped babysit, was no issue.

If you are main carer for baby then your baby may be highly stressed if you leave for this amount of time. Baby may need you to fall asleep etc. All depends how you and dp raise baby. If dp works all hours and sees baby an hour a day then you cannot expect to suddenly disappear all weekend and for it to be fine. It won't be.

romdowa · 22/07/2021 11:37

My friend had an accident when her baby was 2 weeks old and she had to stay in hospital for a week and leave her baby at home. The child was absolutely fine with their father and grandmother. No trauma so far. Your sister is being ridiculous

CrystalBollocks · 22/07/2021 11:38

I don't think a baby would be 'traumatised' by this (would definitely notice the absence of the person who cares for him/her - but if may be that you share the care with your husband anyway)

However, I don't think you can decide until you've had the baby. If you have an easy labour and an easy baby, and you're not breastfeeding, you might feel like going. If any of the variables is less straightforward, though, you might not. You might also just not want to leave your baby, once she/he is born.

I could barely move by 8 weeks post-partum, so there's no way I'd have been going anywhere at all. I couldn't have left my babies either, even if I'd been physically ok - but everyone is different.

godmum56 · 22/07/2021 11:41

when its your sister's baby, she can have an opinion.

BFrazzled · 22/07/2021 11:42

People who are saying it will be OK didn't brestfeed. If the baby is mostly brestfed it would have trouble settling without mum fro such a long time.
The person most likely to be traumatised will be your husband from dealing alone with screaming and unsettled baby for 48 hours.

rwalker · 22/07/2021 11:43

Wow some passive aggressive twaty responses here. Nothing wrong with it doubt your baby would be traumatised .

Somethingsnappy · 22/07/2021 11:44

With all the imagination in the world, it would still be impossible to know what the postpartum period feels like physically, mentally and emotionally, if you've not experienced it. As others have said, make no firm decisions until after the baby is born.

Pipsquiggle · 22/07/2021 11:45

I guess it depends on you and your baby at the time. If you have one of those dream babies - very content, happy, settled - going to a hen party shouldn't be an issue.

If you are breast feeding you need to make a plan to pump enough milk prior to the weekend and also how and when you are going to express on the weekend - your boobs may really hurt if you don't factor this in.

If this was my first baby, there is no way I could've left him - recovering from c section, getting the hang of breast feeding, nightly feeds. 2nd baby couldn't have left at 8 weeks but 12 weeks definitely

BFrazzled · 22/07/2021 11:46

Honestly as a parent I would not voluntarily leave the baby overnight even if not breastfeeding (and neither did my husband).
I am wondering after looking through the thread if there are actual parents who think it is a good idea? For either mum or dad.

hawkehurstgang · 22/07/2021 11:46

I normally would always agree with the mother about this, but 8 weeks really I think is far too young. It would be really stressful for both of you. I had ideas like this pre-birth but when my babies were small you couldn't tear me away from them, and this seems pretty common.

SnakeyTakey · 22/07/2021 11:46

Don't commit to anything as you may not want to leave her once she's arrived. But if you decide you do want to attend that's absolutely fine! And tell your sis to dial back on the hyperbole.

hawkehurstgang · 22/07/2021 11:47

Also if you're breastfeeding it's literally impossible anyway.

chunderwunder · 22/07/2021 11:47

[quote Ozanj]@NerrSnerr - lactation consultant advice when I was expressing for a baby of a similar age. More than 20ml of expressed has the same effect as formula in stretching stomachs and putting babies off breastfeeding. If you want a baby to comfortably feed across bottle and breast they shouldn’t have more than 20ml from a bottle in one go per feed. You give them a break and top up. So like they would do on the breast if you offered both.[/quote]
This isn't my experience at all. I had to express on one side for about ten days and would do so whilst my baby was feeding on the other. Both boobs would be comfortably drained to the same extent then next feed I'd use the expressed milk. It was always around 90 mls and I've no reason to believe that that wasn't comparable to what he got directly from the breast.

Feeding him from the bottle took about the same time as feeding directly and I can't see any logic whatsoever in the idea that the method of delivery affects whether a stomach is stretched or not.

Sounds like anti bottle feeding nonsense to me but there you go.

OP, having a small baby is the perfect excuse to not have to attend hideous things like hen weekends

Somethingsnappy · 22/07/2021 11:47

@Ozanj

If you express then make sure your DH knows not to feed baby the whole lot in one go. Breastfed babies should take in no more than 20ml of expressed breastmilk per feed.

The baby will be 8 weeks old! They will need rather more than that by then

Arghlife · 22/07/2021 11:49

Baby won't be traumatised aslong as dad is hands on from birth. However im going to be in the same time frame from when I'm due to give birth till a friend has her hen do and I've already backed out of it. I can't imagine leaving my baby at the age.

MissingThePoint1 · 22/07/2021 11:52

Totally upto you and how you feel, there's nothing wrong with leaving baby with dad if you're happy to go.

You may not want to though, 2 of my good friends had hen parties soon after I had my babies. I left my first with his dad for the weekend at 10 weeks and felt happy to do so. I didn't feel ready to leave my second at 12 weeks though for another friends hen weekend, he was a difficult baby with reflux and reoccurring choking episodes.

You won't know until baby arrives! I agreed to both, paid and accepted I'd lose my money if I didn't want to go and I explained to them both i wouldn't make my mind up until the week before. Good friends will understand.

BoxHedge · 22/07/2021 11:55

@cinammonbuns

Love how Mumsnet is all for equal parenting for women and men until it’s a situation like this. Yes it is perfectly fine. A man would not think twice about leaving their child with the mother at 8 weeks.

I don’t think many people think mum and dad are interchangeable in the first few months, for many obvious reasons.

It’s the last thing I’d have considered doing with mine due to breastfeeding and being physically exhausted.

If not breastfeeding I still wouldn’t have wanted to, but if you have an easy baby it might be possible, or you could drive back and forth a few times, it’s only 20 minutes away.

(With one of mine I couldn’t have safely driven 20 minutes due to the prolonged sleep deprivation.)

3WildOnes · 22/07/2021 11:56

20ml of breastmilk is a tiny amount. I’m pretty sure my babies were drinking over 1000ml of breastmilk a day at that age. That would mean I would have to feed them 50 times a day. I think my babies were drinking closer to 150ml x 8 a day at that age. There were all babies that gained weight very quickly.

Hankunamatata · 22/07/2021 11:57

Ds1 had his first sleepover at nans at 6 weeks. He was combo bottle and breast.

You what feel right for you

Wineandroses3 · 22/07/2021 11:57

Think your sister was wrong to say it was “disgusting”, it’s your choice but as your asking for opinions - would I leave my 8 week old to go on an overnight Hen party? No I wouldn’t, I think 8 weeks is too young. I can’t make out from what you have said whether it’s an overnight thing or just for the day. Also, it makes a difference if you are breastfeeding or not, I hated having to express milk and found it really uncomfortable so I couldn’t really go anywhere without baby in the first few months, but it didn’t bother me, I loved having a newborn.

Somethingsnappy · 22/07/2021 11:57

[quote Ozanj]@NerrSnerr - lactation consultant advice when I was expressing for a baby of a similar age. More than 20ml of expressed has the same effect as formula in stretching stomachs and putting babies off breastfeeding. If you want a baby to comfortably feed across bottle and breast they shouldn’t have more than 20ml from a bottle in one go per feed. You give them a break and top up. So like they would do on the breast if you offered both.[/quote]
This advice is true for a newborn baby in the first few days of life, but by 8 weeks, a baby's stomach has grown a lot and can take anything between 75 and 150ml per feed, on average.

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