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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 8 week old baby for the weekend?

390 replies

SheABitSpicyToday · 22/07/2021 10:30

My best friend is having her hen weekend 8 weeks after I’m due to give birth. Will likely be more as I think I’m being induced early. It’s only 20 minute drive away and am taking my own car so can be home if I need to be or can get taxi.
Husband is actually looking forward to having the weekend to bond with baby by himself. Didn’t think anything was wrong until my sister said it was a disgusting thing to do and that the baby will be traumatised by it. I think she’s being Ott but do you think this is a terrible thing to do?

OP posts:
Somethingsnappy · 22/07/2021 16:26

@IncludeWomenInThePrequel. I think there have actually been more no than yes replies, haven't there? Although, to be fair, I haven't counted them....

IncludeWomenInThePrequel · 22/07/2021 16:30

I don't know exactly, I haven't counted either, but there are plenty of supportive comments!

BFing is different, but maybe the OP doesn't intend to. She's a mother already so probably already knows her own mind on that one.

BFrazzled · 22/07/2021 16:31

@pleasedonttextmyman

The question is "is it a terrible thing to do and will the baby be traumatised"?

The answer is NO.

It doesn't matter if posters wouldn't/didn't/won't trust their partners with their baby, don't want a break, are too stressed or anxious to leave baby, don't ^want" to leave the baby, are too exhausted to bother, are content with baby.

Baby won't be hurt, damaged, traumatised, upset, abandoned, distressed...The dad should be as confident with his baby than the mum!

Breastfed baby would be distressed.

Nothing to do with the dad being comfortable. We parented all our kids equally except feeding. They still would not settle easily with my husband, it is just a biological fact - baby gets attached to the mother if she feeds him. And of course le't not discount the round the clock pumping the mum will have to do when she is away.

Since the start of the thread op clarified that she doesn't intend to breastfeed so this makes being away much more feasible.

Yerroblemom1923 · 22/07/2021 16:32

You'll be fine, even if breast feeding you can Express beforehand and while away if uncomfortable. Don't commit just yet as you might feel different once he's born but you'll probably be ready for a night out Smile

tilly2019 · 22/07/2021 16:32

@BFrazzled

Maybe have a look at the 'yes' versus 'no' comments on here and think again? Plenty of commenter said they wouldn't either. Maybe you are reading only the ones that agree with your opinion? Selective reading?

For example, something you likely don't take into account is that for someone whose baby is mostly breastfed (as is advised at this age) it simply won't be comfortable physically.

Thank you for the educational 'as is advised at this stage' comment.

Most of us probably had NO idea WinkSmile

2bazookas · 22/07/2021 16:36

If the baby is formula bottle fed then a man is perfectly capable of all baby care , and as DH is positively looking forward to it, good on him.

By 8 weeks old, an eager hands-on dad will have had plenty of practice and he and the baby will be relaxed and confident together.

My husband (who had ZERO previous contact with babies) was a hands -on dad from the day we got home from hospital with DC1. It's the best possible start for all.

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 22/07/2021 16:42

I had to travel over an hour to London for a court case when my DD was a week old. She was EBF, but there was no choice. My XP gave her formula and she didn't seem to have missed me at all. It was good for him to have time alone with her as he hadn't wanted a baby and he bonded with her that day.

Jerima · 22/07/2021 16:55

I personally couldn't do it but if you can, there's no harm in leaving your baby with their father. Do what you feel comfortable with and don't be pressured either way.

I have a friend who leaves her babies, six weeks old, for a week with her mum and goes abroad for a cheap pamper holiday to recharge her batteries after the pregnancy and birth. She's done it three times. I couldn't, but bloody good luck to her. None of her kids are traumatised.

MrsMattMurdock · 22/07/2021 17:00

Honestly some of these replies. Your sister is out of order. I left mine at 10 weeks, he was bf. I pumped like an MF and left him with his dad. Ten years later, no noticeable effects. I did pump while I was away which was annoying though. And guess what, no-one judged me because my friends and family are not arseholes.

SnakeyTakey · 22/07/2021 17:35

Is that numpty who said any 20 year old who isn't in university mustn't have 'functioning parents' still posting?

Blossomtoes · 22/07/2021 17:43

@BFrazzled

I don’t believe majority would gladly leave an 8 weeks old overnight to go to hen do…
Despite all the evidence on this thread?
BFrazzled · 22/07/2021 18:04

@SnakeyTakey

Is that numpty who said any 20 year old who isn't in university mustn't have 'functioning parents' still posting?
I believe she still is, hun, surprised she is allowed to though.

Unis are overrated anyway, as everyone will tell you. So are A-levels, GCSE's and schools in general. Children can go straight to work after lazing around with a bottle in a bouncer to start saving for a dream home instead of wasting money and time on so called education.

SnakeyTakey · 22/07/2021 18:06

So you think it's university or failure?

Have you really led such a sheltered little life that you think these are the only two paths?

What if your child turns out not to be academic in the slightest? What would be your course of action?

hun.

kin432 · 22/07/2021 18:23

Why the judgment of mums being willing to leave their babies but not the other way round? Because there's a right and wrong way? I'm not judging people for being a bad friend/sister/daughter/whatever for missing events by staying home with their baby. I respect their decision not to go. Yet the same courtesy doesn't seem to be reciprocated.

As for "hard tasks", it's not a competition. All babies and parents are different. I worked in investment banking which was very stressful due to long hours and the level of responsibility. Personally I found the sleepless nights and struggling to settle two babies with reflux far more difficult than my job. As did my husband. Others didn't which is good, it's not a race to the bottom. I really needed an occasional break to maintain my sanity and my husband looked after the babies brilliantly in my absence (as did my parents).

If you don't want to be parted from your baby, that's completely fine by me. Throwing around generalisations about babies being traumatised and distressed, and making mums feel guilty for having a break is not fine.

Darbs76 · 22/07/2021 18:52

I was admitted to hospital for 5 days when DD was 3wks old due to severe mastitis. DD survived with her dad who was perfectly capable of caring for her

DifferentHair · 22/07/2021 18:58

OP literally asked people for their opinions on this. It is not 'shaming' for people to honestly answer her question.

There is also a lot of nuance between being a 'martyr' who forgoes all their personal needs forever and someone honestly saying they think an 8 weeks old is too young to be separated from their mother for the sake of a social engagement.

If you observe mammals in nature- they stay close to their babies at this stage. that is what newborn humans are geared to want and need. There is a lot of science showing that the touch, smell, sound of the person who carried them for 9 months is developmentally important. The baby absolutely knows who it's mother is at that age. What they won't know or understand is why their mother is suddenly gone.

That's not to say that someone who needs a break for their mental health shouldn't take it. Everyone's situation is different and we're all best placed to observe our own situation and family dynamics.

I just don't think a bachelorette party is worth it.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 22/07/2021 19:04

But how do you know that the hen party isn’t for my mental health?

Also, I agree that the sudden disappearance of a mother can be traumatic but I’m going to be gone for 2 days. It’s not the same as abandonment.

OP posts:
DifferentHair · 22/07/2021 19:12

@SheABitSpicyToday I don't know, that's what I'm saying.

If you feel you need this for your mental health (which I suppose is a call you would need to make closer to the time given you don't know how you will be feeling 8 weeks post partum) then that's a question answered by you, not strangers on the internet.

But people telling you that the baby won't notice & it makes no difference to them are scientifically incorrect and displaying a poor understanding of early development.

Maggiesfarm · 22/07/2021 19:13

@Iwantcauliflowercheese

I had to travel over an hour to London for a court case when my DD was a week old. She was EBF, but there was no choice. My XP gave her formula and she didn't seem to have missed me at all. It was good for him to have time alone with her as he hadn't wanted a baby and he bonded with her that day.
You had to go, you didn't choose to. There are always emergencies.

I'm glad it all worked out well and that your husband bonded with your baby. That's lovely.

I would have left mine with their dad but not overnight. However I make no judgement on the op (& she hasn't done it yet).

BFrazzled · 22/07/2021 19:14

So you think it's university or failure?
Nope, I never wrote it.

I just answered a poster who boasted that her daughter "owns her own home" as a benchmark of life success that most people wouldn't consider it as such. I'd much rather my kids study or prepare for their careers in other ways than pay a mortgage at this age.

JollyJlly · 22/07/2021 19:20

I think you’ll feel different when the baby is here. I thought I would feel like you, but my daughter was nearly 2 before I spent a night away. If you’re comfortable then your baby will be xxx

DifferentHair · 22/07/2021 19:20

Also I think it's worth considering what 'mental health' means to different people and in different contexts.

There's a big difference between 'I'll enjoy this and it's nice to have a break' and 'I'm unwell/at risk of becoming unwell and this will make a difference.'

Both could be said to be for 'mental health', but would be weighted differently when considering what's best for the family as a whole.

Bythemillpond · 22/07/2021 19:40

BFrazzled

So you think it's university or failure?
Nope, I never wrote it

I just answered a poster who boasted that her daughter "owns her own home" as a benchmark of life success that most people wouldn't consider it as such. I'd much rather my kids study or prepare for their careers in other ways than pay a mortgage at this age

Dd works in a managerial role managing those that went to university to do the job she has been doing since she was 18
She has been offered eye watering amounts to work in an office managing projects but has turned them down.
She probably has ADHD (getting assessed) and would probably walk out of any sort of office work after a few days.

Dd owns a little flat outright. She doesn’t pay a mortgage.

ScrollingLeaves · 22/07/2021 19:41

“Sparepantsandtoothbrush
An 8 week old baby isn't going to care who's looking after them as long as they're being fed and changed.”

Babies know their mother’s heart beat, smell and voice. A baby might feel a bit empty at some level if those things were not there.

TwatyKaty · 22/07/2021 19:43

@SheABitSpicyToday

I have just seen that it's not your first baby. That being the case, you could probably go on a three-week cruise and not feel too bad about it. Grin

I couldn't have done it either physically or emotionally, with any of mine. But that might also have had something to do with XH being a twat who couldn't be trusted to keep them alive.