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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask...would you??

152 replies

givewaygiveway · 21/07/2021 16:47

Would you opt to be a sahm if you were mortgage free, and your dh earned 60k?

I know that there will be lots of women on here who would always work no matter what the situation and wouldn't want to be "dependent" on a man. But I'm asking those who would love to be a sahm or who you with the idea etc

Would you in these circumstances?I currently work full time but you with it every so often, I would miss my wage I suppose but I like the idea of spending more time with the dc. Dh doesn't mind either way.

We also don't have childcare Costs so I'm not working to pay those as such.

OP posts:
wtfisgoingonhere21 · 21/07/2021 16:49

Opt for part time then op

Best of both worlds

Keep some independence and financial back up and spend time with the dc

Biancadelrioisback · 21/07/2021 16:50

Yes. In a heartbeat.

I do love my job but I would love to be a SAHM more. At least for now while DS is little and it would give me the opportunity to have a second child as well which isn't something I can really afford now.

I've never really been massively ambitious career wise so would be the ideal situation for me

HerNameIsIncontinentiaButtocks · 21/07/2021 16:50

Sure, as long as it stayed mentally stimulating and my partner was up for that division of responsibility. Do make sure he is fully aware that he's not off the hook for child stuff in the evenings/weekends!

Stompythedinosaur · 21/07/2021 16:50

No, my career is important to me.

Thedogscollar · 21/07/2021 16:51

Personally I wouldn't as you have to factor in loss of pension etc when you get to retiral age.
I like having that independence. What about doing part time work then maybe increase to full time when kids are older.
I can see the appeal but not for me.

TwoLeftElbows · 21/07/2021 16:54

It's such a personal decision. Everyone has their own shit going on. For us, personal circumstances such as MH issues and a child with SEN weigh heavily in the balance. Pensions are important, but sanity is importanter at the moment.

chunderwunder · 21/07/2021 16:54

Christ, yeah. I'd never work again if I didn't need the money.

Vallmo47 · 21/07/2021 16:55

Yes.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 21/07/2021 16:55

Honestly no, it wouldn’t occur to me. I’m a grown and capable adult who wants and expects to support myself and to contribute to supporting my children. It would create a dynamic and dependency within the relationship that makes me shudder. It’s personal opinion of course but you asked for honest answers-mine is a resounding NO! And sadly in many parts of the country £60k isn’t that much to support two adults and multiple children even without a mortgage. Unless a child had additional needs etc. I couldn’t contemplate choosing not to work, spending my days on hobbies and pottering and as a result my children being less materially provided for. If the children are tiny then perhaps but given you say there aren’t childcare costs I assume they’re school age?

Bakingdiva · 21/07/2021 16:56

I had planned this - managed a year before I nearly went bonkers and got a new pt job

Wrotten · 21/07/2021 16:56

Personally I wouldn't, for various reasons but mostly because Mumsnet has opened my eyes to how suddenly some men change when they're the sole earner.

I'd suggest both parents working part time if that was a possibility.

Chunkymenrock · 21/07/2021 16:57

No. I think you need to set a good example, especially if you have daughters, of being a working adult with her own life and career. Also, it's really hard to pick up where you left off years later. Time passes and you do get left behind. Part time is surely the best plan?

Monoxide · 21/07/2021 16:58

I would for a couple of years. Maybe till age 3 or so. Mostly for the benefit of DC, not for myself. Then I’d want to go back to work.

AgentProvocateur · 21/07/2021 16:58

No, in the grand scheme of things, 60k isn’t a huge amount for a family to live on and I’d hate to ask for/be given money like a child.

vivainsomnia · 21/07/2021 16:59

There's more to income than paying the mortgage. A main consideration is your pension. Would you live comfortably on your OH pension?

There's then the impact of something was to happen to leave you a single mum. Could you get back to employment easily?

It really all depend on your job and career, how much you earn, and what sacrifices you would have to make. Being a SAHM can be quite expensive as you need money to entertain yourself.

Wanttocry · 21/07/2021 17:00

Not on that salary to be honest.
Will your husband up his pension contributions to match what you were putting in, so there’s no drop?

gwenneh · 21/07/2021 17:00

No. I tried it, I didn't like the dependence, or the added insecurity of being on one income. I loved being at home with my DC, but was conscious of how having just one income made us financially vulnerable, even if that income was adequate.

I wound up finding freelance work, then eventually went back full time.

Glittertwins · 21/07/2021 17:00

No, I'm in that position and DH does earn more. Much as I like the time off work, I value it more because it is limited. I'd be bored rigid if there was no end to it. I like my job, I have decent managers and team and my salary certainly more than covers the fun family stuff. We're also using that to cushion university education or whatever they want to do after leaving school.

Dyrne · 21/07/2021 17:00

I would absolutely love to be a SAHM, but I would only do it under certain circumstances:

  1. We’d have to be married
  2. If It would not deprive my family of experiences and opportunities from lack of funds due to my non-working - so we’d need to be able to still afford activities, trips away etc, not just “making do”. Also making 100% sure I’m not depriving DH of the chance to explore opportunities of career change, prt time, early retirement etc.
  3. We would need to contribute to a private pension in my name to match what I got while I was working
  4. A complete agreement about division of workload, expectations of housework vs childcare vs “me time”.
  5. Full access to funds and a complete agreement on what these are spent on.
  6. A completely separate account with an “oh shit fund” so I can cover immediate costs in case something happened and I couldn’t access family fund.
  7. A plan for when/how I would re-enter the workforce and complete support and agreement from DH about making this happen (so an understanding that childcare/housework/mental load responsibilities would have to change, starting from if I needed to retrain etc).
  8. Be confident that if plans changed my DH would be fully supportive and on board and willing to discuss.

So I guess it’s not a “no”, but I have seen far to many women completely fucked over by not at least considering any of the above.

Tohaveandtohold · 21/07/2021 17:01

Part time will be ideal in that situation. Maybe I’ll work 3 days a week and have 4 days off work. That’ll be bliss surely

LST · 21/07/2021 17:02

I'd leave work in a heartbeat in that situation.

Shoxfordian · 21/07/2021 17:05

No because we’d have 50k less than our current disposable income

Wheresmrpenguin · 21/07/2021 17:05

I was always one of those that 'had' to work, but then I had my baby just before lockdown 1 so have been inside for what feels like forever, I was so smitten with love and I Hated my pre maternity job, I then got made redundant and we worked out we could manage without me working and I was thrilled, my dp earns nowhere near 60k so it would be tight, but workable.
But I'm going crazy now, I need some human interaction, and I need to get out the house. Maybe its lockdown and all the restrictions that's made me like this, but I'm feeling desperate for a job all of a sudden and to feel less trapped with cocomelon and Mr tumble.

I'm looking for just part time work, but will settle for full time later down the line if I can't find anything. So no, not for me.

Howshouldibehave · 21/07/2021 17:05

I currently work full time but you with it every so often

What do you mean?

Aurorie11 · 21/07/2021 17:05

I'm in this position, I choose to work part-time previously full on ft role. Now do all school runs used to use wraparound everyday.
I need to keep busy, job is well paid but is a type of role I would have volunteered for.
Liberating knowing I could just walk if I stopped enjoying it, I don't let on to colleagues though

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