Page 3 | To ask...would you??

givewaygiveway · 2021-07-21T15:47:52+00:00

Would you opt to be a sahm if you were mortgage free, and your dh earned 60k? I know that there will be lots of women on here who would always work no matter what the situation and wouldn't want to be "dependent" on a man. But I'm asking those who would love to be a sahm or who you with the idea etc Would you in these circumstances?I currently work full time but you with it every so often, I would miss my wage I suppose but I like the idea of spending more time with the dc. Dh doesn't mind either way. We also don't have childcare Costs so I'm not working to pay those as such.

HTH1 · 21/07/2021 17:43

No, we’re in a similar boat (I’m PT but by far the higher earner) and I wouldn’t want to give up future security and our quality of life. It gets easier as the DC get a bit older.

HTH1 · 21/07/2021 17:44

Not gonna lie though, I still dream of a lottery win and would give it up then!

beautifullymad · 21/07/2021 17:44

I was here decades ago. Husband earned big numbers and I decided to give up my career to raise our family.

Things didn't work out. I'm now remarried but wishing with hindsight that I'd stayed just two days a week so I was still in that loop. It's almost impossible to retrain now without being full time voluntary for six months.

Don't give up your personal security for another. Even if you think things will always be the same. If you factor sickness, death, or divorce into future planning you really need to stay in the workplace.

Dyrne · 21/07/2021 17:46

Well done everyone, we made it nearly to the end of the second page before the “someone else raising them” jibes started rolling in.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 21/07/2021 17:46

@givewaygiveway

I have thoughts of actually enjoying myself and doing my hobbies more intently 🤣

I’m just astonished that someone would expect the person they love to be out working full time in order to find them sitting and home and pursuing their hobbies. It’s ultimate cocklodger/CF territory! Do it if you like but don’t be surprised if your husband doesn’t turn out to be over the moon about it. I would honestly divorce a spouse who expected me to work so they could enjoy themselves all day at my expense! Childcare is one thing but you’re not even pretending that’s your motivation here. Honestly...this is embarrassing.

Kiatu · 21/07/2021 17:47

I would also never work again if I didn’t need the money, but not needing the money to me means already be independently financially stable rather than dependent on my partners salary.

NoProblem123 · 21/07/2021 17:48

If I really loved my job/industry then yes I would keep my hand in.
If I wasn’t that bothered by it I would look to do voluntary work into something I would love.

It’s an opportunity.

Auntienumber8 · 21/07/2021 17:48

I became an accidental SAHP because I became seriously ill and had to stop working. DS was 12 and I had 27 years pension already.

DH had never ever given any indication of being am arse financially and he wasn’t but until my pension was awarded due to medical retirement which took a year I just personally felt very vulnerable. Okay I was ill but if anything ever happened to DH or we broke up I know I could survive financially. Seen too many relationships go South and sometimes after decades together, basically when the kids leave home which is exactly what happened to DH parents.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 21/07/2021 17:49

@Standrewsschool

Forgot to say, we had a mortgage then and I always envisaged being a sahm. Didn’t have kids for someone else to look after them.

Yeah....I didn’t have kids in order to take no responsibility for feeding and housing them but different strokes and all that!

My kids are looked after by someone else three days a week while husband and I both work four days. It doesn’t harm them and in fact benefits them hugely. Out of interest will you be homeschooling too? Or is that different?

Thisisthemonth · 21/07/2021 17:51

I'd got to 3 days but wouldn't want to give up my own working life. and 60k isn't very much so would want more certainty of a double income.

OnceUponAThread · 21/07/2021 17:53

I wouldn't. It just doesn't sit right with me for one person to earn all the money. And for one person to get the benefit of staying home. I don't think it's fair on anyone, and so often it breeds resentment from both sides (rather than both partners being grateful for the role the other plays).

Also I don't like the risks. What if DH was made redundant? What if he died? What if we split? Etc etc.

Also I'm a grown adult and to me a partnership is one where we both contribute equally. That means both of us earning and both of us contributing around the house. Balanced.

We're TTC at the moment, and our plan is to take shared parental leave and then both hopefully go part time. I have lots of flexibility generally anyway which helps, but he's going to drop down to four days, and I'm looking at four compressed over three.

So if that works out we only need two days' nursery and we each get bonding time with our (fingers crossed if TTC goes well) child and time to focus on our careers.

Isababybel · 21/07/2021 17:53

No, definitely not. I have just gone back to work FT after a year long mat leave and i was climbing the walls by the end, i hate the drudgery and the repetitive days so much. Im much happier now dd is in nursery
I enjoy working and earning money, and using my brain (i get that the last part comes across quite rude..but oh well).

Standrewsschool · 21/07/2021 17:53

Sorry, wasn’t meant to be a comment on other people. I was trying to describe that I always wanted to be a full-time mum. Some people have said that not working would drive them crazy. For me, not being a sahm wasn’t an option.

And no, I didn’t homeschool, but was fortunate enough to get a p/t job that fitted in with school hours,

Firingpingpongs · 21/07/2021 17:55

I left work when kids were born and never went back. One is now about to start Uni and other is 16. I’ve never regretted giving up work.
Me and DH are a team. It’s not HIS money, it’s OUR money. And he earns a lot because my staying at home has enabled him to climb higher. Just like I don’t do the home stuff just for me, I do it for the whole family, getting the kids to muck in.

When asked if I regret not furthering my career, nope! It’s something that seems to bother everyone else. I get that some folk need to work, some folk like to work but I don’t. I fill my days. I never wanted to be constantly spinning plates and chasing my tail. I’m fortunate enough that I don’t need to or want to. DH is hoping for early retirement soon so we can enjoy life whilst we still can. We met in our 30s and got married and had kids pretty quickly so I feel that we’ve still got some of our best years ahead of us.

Terhou · 21/07/2021 17:56

No. I'd hate to be completely dependent on someone else for money, and I'd feel insecure anyway in case, say, my partner lost his job. Plus I would be bored witless unless I took on something like voluntary work, so time wise I probably wouldn't be a lot better off.

When I was on maternity leave with DC1, I also felt there was a change in the dynamic between me and DH - he's not a twat, but it became clear that he found it ever so convenient to have me at home to organise all the stuff he'd previously organised himself, including things like taking stuff to the dry cleaners and general home admin. There were times when I had to remind him that I wasn't his servant. Fortunately for all of us, he dropped all that when I went back to work.

SandysMam · 21/07/2021 17:57

Only on mumsnet is 60k and mortgage free not enough!! That’s more than the average family income with a mortgage!!

I would however always keep working Op. Find another part time role if you can’t reduce your hours. It is much easier to get a job when you have a job already than heading back into the workplace after a gap. Your pension and possibly your marriage will thank you for it. Part time is the dream.

PatchworkElmer · 21/07/2021 17:58

No, I wouldn’t. Honestly I’m a better and more patient mother for working! I’d also feel vulnerable with only one source of income, especially if it wasn’t generated by me.

wjg65ka · 21/07/2021 17:58

I'd do part time, for my sanity

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 21/07/2021 17:58

@Standrewsschool

Sorry, wasn’t meant to be a comment on other people. I was trying to describe that I always wanted to be a full-time mum. Some people have said that not working would drive them crazy. For me, not being a sahm wasn’t an option.

And no, I didn’t homeschool, but was fortunate enough to get a p/t job that fitted in with school hours,

Fair enough, but honestly curious - what would you have done if your husband wasn’t happy for you to be a SAHM? I don’t see it as a decision that anyone can possibly make individually for themselves because it all depends on someone else being willing (and staying willing) to fund it! If you hadn’t found a man willing to fit in with your plans would you have chosen not to have kids over being a working parent? I just don’t get how you can be so rigid about what has to be a family decision.

nancywhitehead · 21/07/2021 17:59

I don't think so. Not on £60k a year. If anything went wrong and your partner suddenly couldn't work, you would be in a very bad situation.

I don't think that salary is quite enough for it to be a viable option to throw in the towel and quit work for good, even if you don't have a mortgage to pay. What about pensions and keeping your CV alive in case you need a job again in the future? There are so many "what ifs" in life.

I might consider it just for the first couple of years of the baby's life, but definitely not as a permanent option.

CatRatSplat · 21/07/2021 17:59

I was in a similar position (except the mortgage). I had to go back part time, I needed too. I couldn't get my head around just being mummy and not being around other adults or earning for myself. It was a personal choice but has worked out for the best.

Brakebackcyclebot · 21/07/2021 18:00

No, never. My 1st DH left out of the blue and the only stability in my life for a while was my job. And it meant I could eat, live and support our children. I am never going to be financially dependent on anyone, ever.

nancywhitehead · 21/07/2021 18:03

@SandysMam

Only on mumsnet is 60k and mortgage free not enough!! That’s more than the average family income with a mortgage!!

I would however always keep working Op. Find another part time role if you can’t reduce your hours. It is much easier to get a job when you have a job already than heading back into the workplace after a gap. Your pension and possibly your marriage will thank you for it. Part time is the dream.

It's not that £60k isn't a good salary - of course it is - and should be more than enough for most families to get by in the average year.

But it's not enough for the other partner to stop working for the rest of their life, in my opinion.

By doing so that partner gives up their pension and also lets their CV degrade to the point where they will become almost unemployable in the future (assuming they aren't doing voluntary work etc on the side).

To me, it's a question of "What If" - if the earning partner can no longer earn, then they are in a very bad position because the non-earning partner has been out of the loop for so long.

I wouldn't risk it.

MeltingFlamenco · 21/07/2021 18:06

SAHM here.

It's not all it's cracked up to be. I'm lonely and bored out of my mind.

I'll be going back to work ASAP.

Perhaps it's different for others who have friends / family to spend time with aside the kids.

frazzledfragglefromfragglerock · 21/07/2021 18:09

Yes I fact I did (not mortgage free but dh earning 6 figures) Loved it. All my kids at school so totally undeserved lol. I was actually working 1 day a week in our business but didn't feel like work. Have had to go back to my old job due to finances and hate it so much!