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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask...would you??

152 replies

givewaygiveway · 21/07/2021 16:47

Would you opt to be a sahm if you were mortgage free, and your dh earned 60k?

I know that there will be lots of women on here who would always work no matter what the situation and wouldn't want to be "dependent" on a man. But I'm asking those who would love to be a sahm or who you with the idea etc

Would you in these circumstances?I currently work full time but you with it every so often, I would miss my wage I suppose but I like the idea of spending more time with the dc. Dh doesn't mind either way.

We also don't have childcare Costs so I'm not working to pay those as such.

OP posts:
winteroversummer · 21/07/2021 18:53

No I wouldn't want to. I completely adore my DC but I really enjoy my job, and learning and being with other grown up.

DariaMorgendorffer · 21/07/2021 18:54

No.

Christmasfairy2020 · 21/07/2021 18:54

God no

gollyh · 21/07/2021 18:56

You know full well you're being goady. YABU for that.

Why is it goady?

I8toys · 21/07/2021 18:57

No and that salary isn't enough. I was bored on maternity leave and wanted me time even if it was work.

Hoppinggreen · 21/07/2021 18:57

In principle yes (and I have) but he would have to earn a lot more than that

NumberTheory · 21/07/2021 18:58

I’m a SAHM to a high earner. It’s good in some ways - we have a much higher quality of life and much less stress with me getting all the organizing and housework done in normal working hours and being available for the kids. But, even though I was burnt out when I stopped work, I really miss working now. And I do feel a bit trapped. I don’t have the same options and when we go through a rough patch (which we did for several years when kids were smaller) I really regretted having stopped working.

Part time might be a good compromise if your profession isn’t too intense. You can have less stress now and lots of time with the kids but have the option to ramp up again if you ever want or need to.

RightYesButNo · 21/07/2021 18:58

My grandmother (who raised me but worked all her life, so not a SAHM) told me that if I ever wanted to be a SAHM, that was fine, but I better have a financial plan for if DH died tomorrow in a manner that meant it didn’t create any extra money (no settlement because it happened at work or because of an accident, etc). So I would just say, yes, if you want to; just make sure you have a plan for if that £60K disappeared tomorrow for some reason. You say you have inheritance invested which you’re planning to use as a pension, but would you have to live off that? Could you go right back to work to earn (is your job highly in demand)? Does DH have life insurance? Would you have to work around childcare pick ups and drop offs? Is that possible or would you have to pay for wraparound care or have family help? My grandmother saw a lot of women who had a husband’s salary disappear for whatever reason (death, abandonment, divorce, which was a little different “back then” and it could be hard to get support for yourself or children), so I guess that was the basis of her advice.

GameSetMatch · 21/07/2021 19:01

I’m a SAHM anyway, doesn’t suit everybody but I love it!

smith5715 · 21/07/2021 19:04

I had the opportunity to not return to my FT "career job" after my child was born.
I have worked PT for my own company since Mat leave and I think I would have gone crazy if I didn't have a couple of work hours in a week. As lovely as it is being around my child all day everyday, I do now look forward to the time they go to Grandparents and I can concentrate on something other than it being child related!

Gregwiggle · 21/07/2021 19:07

In my head I would, but in reality I would be too paranoid of something happening and me needing to find a job and nobody wanting to hire me, or ending up divorced with no pension. Plus I am not good at no structure, and felt quite down on maternity leave. Also I like my colleagues even if I moan about the work. So in short, no probably not! But my reasons are not necessarily logical.

Seeingadistance · 21/07/2021 19:13

No. I like my independence.

CrystalBollocks · 21/07/2021 19:16

@rishisboater

Part time to keep your career on track in case of anything going wrong
I was in fact a SAHM (was desperate to be a SAHM), and we had a mortgage and similar income to OP's.

I don't regret a single minute of it.

However: it is at the same time true that it would have been a good idea to work p/t for when things go tits up. I knew they never would, but they did.

So there is absolutely no easy answer to this, OP. On balance, I am glad I was a SAHM despite the problems now, lack of pension etc - but it's something very much to bear in mind.

GintyMcGinty · 21/07/2021 19:16

God no - I would hate to be a SAHP

If I didn't work then I would need to do voluntary work and hobbies. I need to use my brain or I would be very bored.

Dollpiglet · 21/07/2021 19:18

No, I trained for 8 years to do my job and I can't just go part time or have a career break as I'd never be able to go back to it.

thedancingbear · 21/07/2021 19:18

I'm with you OP. Work was getting too much for me, so I decided to opt out and look after the kids. My wife works five days and earns a decent whack.

It's great. She earns enough so that I can still pursue my hobbies, and she takes the kids off me for some of the weekend too!

She is however refusing to put as much into a pension for me as I would like. Does anyone have any thoughts as to how I should approach this with her?

Original poster
givewaygiveway · 21/07/2021 19:19

Yes dh has life insurance through work
My job is fairly high demand
No I wouldn't need to live off savings
Our outgoings are quite low
No mortgage
No loans
We have savings

OP posts:
KaptainKaveman · 21/07/2021 19:19

No because 'round my way £60k is really not that much...Shock

piglet81 · 21/07/2021 19:22

No, I don’t like the working dad/SAHM dynamic and hate the thought of not earning money of my own. Also, you never know what’s round the corner and you read some very sad stories on here from women whose partners have left them or died, resulting in very difficult situations.

I would go (more) PT though.

AgathaAllAlong · 21/07/2021 19:22

Sort of. I would never, I'd at most go part time - but that's because I hate and am crap at housework, which is most of the jobs if DC are already 6 years old. But in your financial circumstances DP would probably either severely reduce hours or become a sahp. If you would like the jobs and your DH is happy supporting you all, I'd say go for it.

Things to consider; is DH's job stable? Is there chance of redundancy? Will it be possible to retun to work?

Didiusfalco · 21/07/2021 19:23

No, and I was very close to the position you describe and did sah for a few years. I was worried about my pension and despite having a great relationship, where I would be left financially if we split up. I also ended up feeling less important than others in the house, like none of my things were as important as the bread winning and the important stuff the kids had on at school (which in fairness was absolutely true and no reflection on how I was treated at all, just a feeling). I can’t tell you how happy I felt when I got my first pay slip after the break and it’s done wonders for what in hindsight was dwindling confidence. Hobbies are great, but it’s just not the same.

gollyh · 21/07/2021 19:23

I think one thing to be careful of is we now live in a time of wage stagnation & a competitive job market. How easy would it be to get back into your career after a break? Plus life will only get more expensive as the government need to claw back money.

blueshoes · 21/07/2021 19:23

I agree with MayorGoodwaysChicken

MyDaughtersLeftFoot · 21/07/2021 19:24

We’re mortgage free (recently) and DH on around 80k. I did go back to work when DD was nearly 3, but stopped recently. He has a full on job and my PT job was far more than than it should have been and the stress of us both working and juggling preschool etc was horrible. Plus the thought of how to manage school holidays. I’ll start looking for something PT this time next year. It’s not my ideal situation, I like and miss working. But I’m more present for DD like this and she’s not going to be passed from pillar to post while I’m at home, which was starting to happen to allow me to work. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in staying at home if it works for you, both short or long term.

Nocutenamesleft · 21/07/2021 19:24

Yes I did

I’ve loved it! Wouldnt have it any other way for us.

I home educate too which I’ve been fortunate for us to be able to do

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