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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask...would you??

152 replies

givewaygiveway · 21/07/2021 16:47

Would you opt to be a sahm if you were mortgage free, and your dh earned 60k?

I know that there will be lots of women on here who would always work no matter what the situation and wouldn't want to be "dependent" on a man. But I'm asking those who would love to be a sahm or who you with the idea etc

Would you in these circumstances?I currently work full time but you with it every so often, I would miss my wage I suppose but I like the idea of spending more time with the dc. Dh doesn't mind either way.

We also don't have childcare Costs so I'm not working to pay those as such.

OP posts:
AnnaSW1 · 21/07/2021 19:24

I just do part time. We both earn well. Trying to future proof

BerylReader · 21/07/2021 19:26

There’s loads of voluntary opportunities out there and you can choose your hours to work round school

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/07/2021 19:28

No, would never want to be dependent on another adult to fund my every need nor would I let a partner do that to me. I’d find it selfish to expect one only to work and fund everything with far less downtime themselves and paying for their own gifts at Christmas etc.

I wouldn’t want to model it to my children either as we teach them to work hard at school so they can choose any career they like.

KibeththeWalker · 21/07/2021 19:35

I wouldn't because I like to work. I really wouldn't enjoy myself pottering about at home.

We bring in about £120k, don't pay a mortgage and have no childcare costs. However, we pay school fees and DS has an expensive hobby- we can easily rip through the money. £60k wouldn't go far.

Airyfairymarybeary · 21/07/2021 19:36

Yes! And maybe do some volunteering while the kids are at school.

SarahBellam · 21/07/2021 19:39

Not a chance in hell. I did this and had to spend most of the day cooking and cleaning and doing boring house admin. It was awful, like Groundhog Day. It’s really just swapping one job for a more shite, poorly paid, job. At least when I went back to work we went back to more equal sharing of chores and I felt more equal rather than the help. I think DH at the time found it difficult too - he’d married someone who had the same work interests and challenges and I turned into someone who got excited by a new vacuum cleaner.

Greenrubber · 21/07/2021 19:42

I'm a Sahm we decided on my maternity that it worked for us! So not been back! I'm now pregnant with my 2nd and will keep it this way until mine are both in school then I will go back to work.
I wouldn't change it & feel very lucky I've been able to do it!
But it's not for everyone and what works for one family doesn't necessarily work for another

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 21/07/2021 19:47

givewaygiveway he has life insurance but what about all the other scenarios. What's his critical illness cover like? What if he was disabled in an accident and unable to work but very much alive (head injury say), what about types of death not covered by life insurance, what about a mental health breakdown - my neighbor's ex-husband unexpectedly left his job (while they and didn't tell her for several weeks! He turned out to be having an intense depressive episode and ended up sectioned. When he came home he was like a different person. It was a long time until he got back to work, in a different job.
Also you only have to browse MN to see that sometimes a marriage breakdown happens as a complete lightning bolt with one partner sure everything is going well when the other announces they're leaving and does. That's even worse if the partner left in the lurch with the children and no way to pay the bills has been out of the job market several years.

ahoyshipmates · 21/07/2021 19:47

I opted to be a SAHM and DH was earning a lot less than £60k. We were both happy about the decision, and we were down to our last farthing on quite a few occasions, but I don't regret it at all.

BoredZelda · 21/07/2021 20:09

I didn’t want to when DD was younger, but I am really glad this year has given me the chance to be at home with her after school.

WineInTheBlood · 21/07/2021 20:18

I don't really like my job so at the moment, yes, I'd love that. My daughter has just turned one and we'd like another next year. I'd love to stay at home for 2-3 years, but I'd spend that time planning and working towards a career change. Ah, one can dream.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 21/07/2021 20:19

I was a sahm when I had several preschoolers - I'm not at all anti having one parent home with children - but it leaves that parent so vulnerable to the what ifs, and it slowly changes the dynamic of the marriage.

Now mine are teenagers its really helpful to work as when the children cba and grumble about school it's far easier to remind them we all have days when we don't want to go to work/ school but we get on with it - all of us.

CaptainCorelli · 21/07/2021 20:28

I would have always said no before as I think it is important to be independent. I’d give up work in a heartbeat now though. Not sure DH would accept me dossing at home now though as DC are both at senior school 😂

EmeraldShamrock · 21/07/2021 20:29

I'd opt for pt or do a degree alongside a SAHM.

happinessischocolate · 21/07/2021 21:23

I did, stayed at home till youngest started school and then went back part time and then full time when youngest started secondary school, 5 years later and my salary is back where it would have been if I hadn't left.

Essentialironingwater · 21/07/2021 21:47

I don't need to work but do. Don't want to set the example of not supporting myself financially to the kids, given how many times I've seen women who gave up great careers for marriage/kids suffer marriage breakdown and not manage to find anything near as good after stepping out of the workplace.

I think I'd also feel guilty not working unless DH really loved working. If it was the other way round I'd wonder why he can just stop as default and I need to trundle on.

Most of all though, maternity leave sent me barmy. It wasn't the young babies, one in particular was easy, I just really craved being busy and challenged and unless I did another degree or got seriously involved in non profit work at a strategic level I'm not sure how I'd achieve that.

My job is stimulating but can be very stressful so sometimes I consider retraining as something else, but I can't think what!

Katefoster · 22/07/2021 07:07

I'm due with my first and I'm a dental nurse, I've hated it for as long as I've done it and am giving it up to be a SAHM in November. If I have to work again I'll work as something completely different. It is scary giving up your career but it's so easy to just stay in a job where you're not happy

cauliflowerkorma · 22/07/2021 07:34

You need to have very clear expectations on how much housework and parenting you still expect your husband to do. Their are thousands of threads on here from SAHP who fall foul of that. SAHP means you do all the daytime weekday child wrangling-not that you do EVERYTHING.

Work also gives you adult time. How will DH support you to get that time away from DC on evenings and weekends.

You also see many many threads where people are being deprived shared access to funds, can't afford to treat themselves or have haircuts or a social life as DH doesnt see those things as being of value. You also here of people being excluded from financial decision making as a non earner. You need to have big talks and then see if both are still onboard.

60k is enough depending on outgoings, but its not lots for a whole family. Which areas would you need to cut back on and would both be happy with those?

Personally i wouldn't give up my independence or career. And thank god i hadn't as one of the 50% who divorce. When it came from nowhere i had an income then.

Are you prepared to start you career from scratch again in however many years?

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2021 07:37

No absolutely not, I prefer to be financially independent, work keeps me mentally more active, and increasing the family income pot leads to us being able to do more things as a family, from lovely holidays on.

Imcatmum · 22/07/2021 07:38

Absolutely not a chance. But if I had a low paid job that didn't have career progression my comparison of the options would be different I guess.

bigbaggyeyes · 22/07/2021 07:53

No. I don't like being a sahp, I like my job and most importantly it's also very important to me to be financially independent should anything happen between myself and my dh.

Standrewsschool · 22/07/2021 07:59

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I’ve been pondering your post.

This is going to sound very 1950s, but looking back, I think it was a foregone conclusion I would stay home and look after the kids. I don’t recall a big discussion about working (and childcare) v not working. Both dh and I were perhaps very traditional in that view.

I guess also another factor was that after paying childcare fees, and commuting costs, I came out with with very little spare change. I also was fortunate in that I’ve never been a career driven person, perhaps because I always knew that I would be having kids at some point. I actually enjoyed being home with them all day, going to baby/toddler groups etc.

Since coming on mn, and reading a lot about financial security, and if you don’t have a wage, you are vulnerable, I realise I was perhaps a bit naive. That sort of thing never crossed my mind (and in early years of marriage, you don’t automatically plan an exit fund).

we weren’t high earners, and we had a mortgage (although mortgages were cheaper in those days). To use a cliche, we just cut the cloth accordingly - cheap holidays, older cars, etc., and tried to live within our means.

Standrewsschool · 22/07/2021 08:03

One more thing, in terms of money, we worked on a ‘one pot’ principle. We didn’t have the complication of what percentage each party paid to the bills, one partner having more disposable income than the other etc. Everything was pooled together and there was no resentment. I think having this made it easier as well.

Firingpingpongs · 22/07/2021 08:51

@Standrewsschool we were similar but it was very much my decision not to go back to work and it was supported by DH. Equally if I ever did go back (and I did at one point but realised it was the wrong decision), DH would also fully support me. He does pull his weight around the house but when kids were younger I did the most whilst he worked, often away from home. It suited our family dynamic, and IMO, was best for me and the kids. Yes in the early years I hated it a lot, was often bored but much of that was also about where we lived (in suburbs of a big city) and that he was away so much. He changed jobs and we moved to a country town and everyone was so much happier.
We also have the one pot scenario and most of our savings are in my name as his earnings put him in the higher tax bracket.
Whilst we’ve had our ups and downs like any marriage, we are solid and principled about doing what we see as best for our kids.
The pay off from doing all the grunt work in the early years is now having more time to myself and I feel no guilt or insecurity.

blueshoes · 22/07/2021 11:18

It is still naive to think that just because you have 'one pot' which you are not contributing to, that pot will continue to be filled by the other party who is contributing to it. It may be divorce, it could be redundancy or other job loss, an accident or illness (including mental health-related) which leaves the breadwinner incapacitated and needing care.

Redundancy and forced career switches/re-training are increasingly a risk in these tech/automation times. There is a high chance any employee will face this at least once in their lifetime through no fault of their own. Redundancy pay is often inadequate. Imagine having a family to feed and cloth a family during this time. I would feel totally helpless if at that point if I was not earning myself.

Why should one person have earned the right to kick back after the children have started school whilst the breadwinner continues to soldier on. Isn't that inherently unfair and what message does it send to the dcs who presumably are asked to focus on studies and get good grades in order to earn an independent living not just hook a higher earning partner. I think financial dependency changes the power dynamic of a relationship subtly and not in a good way for the dependent partner.

High childcare costs in the pre-school years are for a relatively brief period in time. It makes sense to continue working at a loss for a while to continue to earn career progression and fund pension contributions, even if it is just part time. It is also important for a household to build up savings for a rainy day (see redundancy above) as it keeps the children's life on an even keel during tough times.

£60K is not a huge amount, particularly if you have/plan on having more than one dc. Providing financial security and resilience is an important contribution to a family and the choices that come with it (tutoring, school trips, family holidays, driving lessons, uni fees/expenses, mortgage deposits).

I think moving down to part time is a good compromise. Staying at home in the early years is for the short term benefit of partner that gives up work but it comes with lots of medium to long term hidden and opportunity costs.