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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask...would you??

152 replies

givewaygiveway · 21/07/2021 16:47

Would you opt to be a sahm if you were mortgage free, and your dh earned 60k?

I know that there will be lots of women on here who would always work no matter what the situation and wouldn't want to be "dependent" on a man. But I'm asking those who would love to be a sahm or who you with the idea etc

Would you in these circumstances?I currently work full time but you with it every so often, I would miss my wage I suppose but I like the idea of spending more time with the dc. Dh doesn't mind either way.

We also don't have childcare Costs so I'm not working to pay those as such.

OP posts:
worriedandannoyed · 21/07/2021 18:10

@Shoxfordian

No because we’d have 50k less than our current disposable income
Bit boasty and unnecessary isn't it this comment? There are some awful people on here
godmum56 · 21/07/2021 18:20

@Wanttocry

Not on that salary to be honest. Will your husband up his pension contributions to match what you were putting in, so there’s no drop?
this ^^ setting aside druthers, its not enough
MayorGoodwaysChicken · 21/07/2021 18:22

@worriedandannoyed I don’t read that as trying to be boasty necessarily. It’s just making the point that half of the adults in a family can have a significant impact on the overall finances of the family. Huge impact in some cases. Imagine that woman who earns £50k chooses to give that up for no reason other than to pursue hobbies. Imagine what that money could do for their children’s life opportunities?! Some women are so dismissive of the material needs of children and seem to have tunnel vision about their perceived emotional needs. It makes a massive difference to a child to grow up in a financially comfortable household compared to one just getting by and I think too many women are utterly dismissive of that. I’m not saying that to make lower earners feel bad but I see this poster as making the choice that her deciding not to work could have a seismic shift on the family’s position and the opportunities they can afford their kids.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 21/07/2021 18:22

*making the point, not making the choice that should say.

Hankunamatata · 21/07/2021 18:23

Do you have a policy at work that allows for term time leave ie unpaid leave. I know lots nhs trusts have and people can apply to take 13 weeks a year off unpaid.

JoborPlay · 21/07/2021 18:25

No. But there isn't a sum on earth that would entice me to be a sahm to pre-schoolers!

JustMeAndWheatley · 21/07/2021 18:27

I did do just that and, if I had my time again, I’d make very different choices.

I’m now unemployable because I’ve not worked for so long. I do lots of voluntary work and I could fill the day several times over, but I hate the fact that I couldn’t just up and leave if I wanted to (and I have wanted to at times).

SleepingStandingUp · 21/07/2021 18:28

In theory with school age kids id say no but there SO many holidays to cover, schools trips to attend etc. They still need dropping off at 8.40 and collecting at 3.15 so it isn't even that long. So yes.

But this is MN so your DH's paltry 60k will barely cover most people's mortgage 🤣

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 21/07/2021 18:29

I wouldn't give up work completely with school aged children, no. Pension, what if etc etc. There's also the element of it being healthy to have a life and identity other than wife and mother - some very intense hobbies might fill that gap (extreme sports at a high level - iron woman triathlon type stuff maybe!) but most wouldn't!

If you're considering giving up work anyway what about doing a different job part time?

I understand wanting more time with the children but if they're at school its a bit crazy to give up pension contributions and the safety net of having continuing work just in case anything happens to your DH - unemplyment, breakdown, accident, an illness... or relationship.

Merryoldgoat · 21/07/2021 18:30

Nope. Not a chance.

Roodicus21 · 21/07/2021 18:32

No. We're mortgage free, dh earns similar to yours and I earn more. I work pretty much full time but teen time only. Have 1 school age dc. We're putting lots in to pension to make sure we have option of retiring early. You say pt isn't really an option- was area do you work in?

Figgygal · 21/07/2021 18:35

Your kids are at school so I’d find a part time job tbh
Maintain some financial independence

Use627 · 21/07/2021 18:35

Yes without a doubt. I don't understand the idea of living your life as if eventually something bad is going to happen or you're going to break up. Do what makes you happy now

FrownedUpon · 21/07/2021 18:37

No I really enjoy my career and am quite ambitious. Also 60k wouldn’t go that far for us in terms of holidays etc.

Pension is another issue I’d be concerned with. I’m building up a great pension which is really important for me as well.

NotanothernamechangeforMN · 21/07/2021 18:38

No. Definitely not but that's because I value my sanity. Haha. We aren't mortgage free but DH earns 80k and I earn 1k a month and that 1k is mine to do what I want with it. I've got the best of both worlds, work the weekends but overnight, so we get family time and then I get to spend time with my children after school during the week and also get me time. I think id go mad if I didn't work at all and can't imagine asking my DH for money to spend on me - though he'd happily give, I just couldn't. I respect SAHP though. Its bloody hard work.

Mamanyt · 21/07/2021 18:39

I would have loved to have been able to work part-time, half-days in the mornings. I found that the time with adult company was something I craved, but I also loved the time with my boys. If I had had the chance, I'd have gladly worked just mornings, giving me early afternoons to put things to rights, and late afternoons with my boys.

MyriadeOfThings · 21/07/2021 18:41

I have be a SAHM and hated it.
Not just the financial independence side if things. But my brain was fried and I didn’t recognised myself.
It’s not just an issue with money or independence.

gollyh · 21/07/2021 18:46

In theory with school age kids id say no but there SO many holidays to cover, schools trips to attend etc. They still need dropping off at 8.40 and collecting at 3.15 so it isn't even that long. So yes.

It's not impossible though, I work 9-4 p/t & DH works from home those days & dc often to after school activities. Plus I have 10 wks holiday.

Figgyboa · 21/07/2021 18:47

No

EmmalineC · 21/07/2021 18:48

Work part time. Don't give up work completely, you'll regret it.

BrandNewHeretic · 21/07/2021 18:48

I'm a SAHM out of necessity - the cost of childcare where I live is more than the second wage coming into the house. I honestly wouldn't choose it. I agree with previous posters about going part time and having the best of both worlds.

Unsure33 · 21/07/2021 18:49

yes . I was a SAHM for about 5 years then went part time and then full time

I loved it . Happiest time of my life . I own my business now so it show you can do anything - but would I go back to those days ?

yes in a heartbeat ,

CeeceeBloomingdale · 21/07/2021 18:51

Hell yes! I only work two days a week though so maybe part time would be a good compromise

MostlyMaple · 21/07/2021 18:51

You know full well you're being goady. YABU for that.

Micemakingclothes · 21/07/2021 18:51

I chose part time. I’m actually the higher earner and even on the part time path have managed promotions and raises. I also have a job that is fairly easy to scale up should I need or want more income, like if I suddenly find myself in the middle of an “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” plot line and need to kick DH to the curb.