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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mortified by what I've overheard from DH's workmates - AIBU

291 replies

poppingcandy1 · 21/07/2021 00:11

NC because I am utterly mortified by this

This evening DH had a work social and had some work friends round to the garden for drinks before they went out. It's well known that a young girl who used to work with them had a big crush on DH, nothing has happened between them however and he always said he found it cringey. This evening I arrived home with DDs before DH and mates went out, and I overheard DH's mate say "are you still wnking over ?" about the ex colleague who fancied him. His response was not impressive, he sort of raised his eyebrows and laughed - very laddy and disgusting really.

I feel really upset over this but don't know if I am being unreasonable. She was a pretty young woman and they probably all thought that, so maybe I shouldn't expect better especially as they had no idea I was there. But I just feel really uncomfortable about the whole thing and now am worried DH actually really enjoyed this crush she had on him and his feelings were more untoward than I thought.

Help kick some sense into me!

OP posts:
ginandbearit · 21/07/2021 12:43

Its not so common now , if it ever happens at all , but what women in factories used to do to young male apprentices who were sent along to ask for a couple of greased nuts is eye watering ..

joystir59 · 21/07/2021 13:05

Men not challenging other men on this everyday misogyny is exactly the same as white people not challenging everyday racism. Exactly the same and equally unacceptable.

nokidshere · 21/07/2021 13:06

It is nowhere near as commonplace for women to be so frank and vulgar about people. It just isnt

It really is. Especially when in groups and when alcohol is involved. There are things I don't go to and people I don't go out with precisely because their behaviour makes me want to curl up in a corner..and they aren't quiet about it either. Mortifying! And I'm confident and assertive.

You can't reason with people who think this behaviour is ok, male or female, especially when alcohol has been consumed. They just brush it off as banter, joking, or you being boring etc

saraclara · 21/07/2021 13:10

It is nowhere near as commonplace for women to be so frank and vulgar about people. It just isnt

In your bubble, maybe not. In mine AND my late DH's bubble that kind of 'banter' would be unheard of too.
But when my job took me out of my bubble and I was mixing with much more of a cross-section of colleagues (95% female), wow, did I feel naive. I stopped going on staff nights out, because I was so uncomfortable.

brokenbiscuitsx · 21/07/2021 13:13

@joystir59

Men not challenging other men on this everyday misogyny is exactly the same as white people not challenging everyday racism. Exactly the same and equally unacceptable.
Yep
MurielSpriggs · 21/07/2021 13:15

I'd say YABU - your darling husband hasn't actually done anything, other than laugh at a joke that you didn't like, not in your presence.

SVRT19674 · 21/07/2021 13:22

Can´t see the problem really. But then I went to high school in class with 20 boys and 5 girls. I´ve heard it all. And yes, men w*nk thinking of others than their wives, and come to think of it, so do women of others than their husbands...Many of us haven´t called out our friends or neighbours on x y and z because most people aren´t warriors. And I am really surprised at those posts that start with my husband would never...[fill in with sin] on a website where OPs publish posts with titles like "out of the blue" "I no longer know my husband" "I don´t recognise him" but they still bleat "I know him better than you do" yeah right...

StrongLegs · 21/07/2021 13:26

@VerticalHorizon

It's horrible. I'm male, and this is very common 'laddish' crap (from grown men). I think quite a few (25%) really don't like it, but there is a lot of peer pressure to laugh with it. It's all very pathetic really.

They certainly wouldn't have been implying anything really happened, OR that he masturbated thinking about her. It's their teasing of him, which they THINK is funny, and he's probably succumbed to peer pressure.

Usually you can stop it dead by just saying 'No, why would I?' and face a small barrage of 'boring bastard', but that's it.

I can absolutely assure you that there are men who don't like it and think it's pathetic. There were probably a couple of others in that group who thought it crass, but the strength of male peer pressure is great. It's no excuse really, but I think it's the truth.

Some men will just make this crap up about anybody - from a young attractive woman, right through to one they believe to be old and unattractive - they will find a way to either say 'I would xxxx that' or 'can you imagine having to xxxx that'.

I think this sounds very accurate, though you would have to know your own DH to know how much he is actually signing up to it and how much he's just going along with it.

I know I say some dumb things often enough, and occasionally need a slap upside the head. Maybe you could deliver him one?

Lampzade · 21/07/2021 13:33

@Suspicioussam

They wouldnt have made this comment if at some point he hadn't said he fancied her. It wouldn't be 'funny' otherwise. That's what would be concerning me, he has clearly made comments about her in the past and thats why they were winding him up about it. I would definitely be having a word and finding out more, this would have really upset me too.
I think that this is what the Op is concerned about.
WitchesNStuff · 21/07/2021 13:34

Sounds like pretty standard banter TBH. If there was any more to it then they probably wouldn't have said that to him. That said it would still bother me if that's how DH was talking about someone else however its probably double standards as jokingly in my friendship group we may have said something like 'I definitely would' about someone, although usually only celebs, rarely people in RL.

MyriadeOfThings · 21/07/2021 13:34

@GiantHaystacks2021

This is how a lot of men talk when no women are around. It's horrible but good luck trying to stop it.
Haven’t gone further in this thread because that sort if answer makes my blood boil.

The fact it happens and seems quite a general occurence doesn’t mean we should accept it.
It’s some ply a sign of how mysoginistic ou society is and by turning a bling eye to it, we encourage it.

YANBU @poppingcandy1.

Blossomtoes · 21/07/2021 13:40

The fact it happens and seems quite a general occurence doesn’t mean we should accept it. It’s some ply a sign of how mysoginistic ou society is and by turning a bling eye to it, we encourage it

How do we not accept it when men very rarely do it in front of women? How is it misogyny when women talk that way about men?

HarebrightCedarmoon · 21/07/2021 13:46

I would just say "What X said was a bit off wasn't it?" My DH would be like "Yeah, fucksake, stupid twat." There doesn't need to be more to it than that. It's his workmates. I am in a male dominated industry and some guys says stupid things when I go out for drinks with them and they aren't my best buddies or anything, but I wouldn't expect to be held accountable for them more than anyone else.

Montydoo · 21/07/2021 13:51

It's just bravado and I'd forget about it. - maybe let him know you heard the comment and how upset you are with it

Chikapu · 21/07/2021 14:05

@billy1966

OP,

It's grim.

He's one of the type of men that speak about women disrespectfully and he has daughters.

Grim.
I can well imagine your disappointment.
You will have lost more than a bit of respect for him.

He can't un say it and it sounds like it wasn't the first time either.

I think I would say how disappointing to hear the father of your daughters, in their home speak so disrespectfully of women.
Tell him that he has really let himself down in your eyes.

I can understand your mortification.

I would be mortified to hear my husband soeak like that, mortified because I married him and he sleazes over young girls in the office.

It wasn't her husband who said anything though, it was his workmate.
RealBecca · 21/07/2021 14:12
  1. I hate 'laddish banter'. Its degrading and would change how i felt about my partner if he was part of a lad group.
  2. He probably did feel flattered and pay lip service to you that it was all so embarrassing- what else is he going to say?
  3. My main advice is say nothing as it gives you the opportunity to observe if you like what you see in your DH without a row or him feeling watched. But watch. He may be more laddish than you think he is.

But i dont think anything would have gone on with them.

Feedingthebirds1 · 21/07/2021 14:18

Did DH know that you were around and would possibly overhear any comments? If he didn't, but he didn't play up to it, didn't take it further or agree with the comment that he did, So he wasn't trying to shut it down because he didn't want that sort of discussion knowing you could hear it, he did it because that was genuinely his reaction.

If he knew you were there, then I might think differently.

NewlyGranny · 21/07/2021 14:20

You know what, OP? All your DH needed to say was, "Lads, I'm a happily married man! One woman is enough for me," or something similar to shut them down. But he didn't.

Perhaps he was lost for words, but we all know that staying silent or awkward laughter or just changing the subject doesn't stop the laddish, locker room culture of disrespectful talk about women. It takes men to stand up and call it out.

Why not tell him you wish he'd been one of those strong, respectful men, and when you overheard the question you were waiting for him to speak up.

And, as a PP suggested, ask him if he'd be happy to overhear men talking like that about his DD a few years down the track? Ask him to have you and DD in the back of his mind when the talk gets disrespectful in future and make you even prouder of him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/07/2021 14:22

It's not nice for you, OP, I can understand the feelings of other people knowing (as well as you did) about the crush that your husband had on another woman - and, you've overheard something you were never meant to hear. It's tawdry.

That said, I don't think many (if any) men would shut this down with their male friends. If they did, they'd be called the equivalent of fun-police, fun-sponge or whatever moronic comment people make when they don't like being pulled up on the stuff they say.

It's not the same exactly but I read some pretty nauseating comments from women fantasising about men and what they'd do to them. That's on MN too. I very much doubt those women would do anything (or have the opportunity to) and they wouldn't say it to their partners. Yet it's perfectly ok to say it to other women?

People say really stupid and inappropriate things. This hurts because it's a part of your husband's thoughts that you aren't in. It doesn't though mean that anything more happened or that he actually does think of this woman.

If I were you, I wouldn't pursue it with your husband because, how will you react and feel if he comes clean and says, actually, yes he does and everybody has fantasies?

I think this is a Pandora's Box that is best left firmly closed. I'm sorry for you though, it isn't nice.

CatherineAragon · 21/07/2021 14:25

@Branleuse

cos its a really effective swear that still manages to have impact
Even when it’s denigrating women? Effective on what way?
CatherineAragon · 21/07/2021 14:28

@Blossomtoes

It is nowhere near as commonplace for women to be so frank and vulgar about people. It just isnt

It definitely is when alcohol is involved. The banter I’ve heard on girls’ nights out would make your hair curl.

I’m reminded of an occasion when OH was staying in a hotel and there was a hen party staying next door. The walls were very thin and he could hear everything they were staying. The content was extremely ‘frank’. He came home ashen and said he couldn’t believe women talked to each other about men like that! He was genuinely horrified.
3scape · 21/07/2021 14:32

A lot of people normalizing this amount of objectification and sexualisation in conversation with men and women. Maybe it's time to raise the bar on your friendships from the level of sex starved teens. Then again it is the summer holidays now.

StripyGiraffes · 21/07/2021 14:32

@NiceGerbil

Standard blokey bloke talk.

I have the dubious honour of groups of men quite often seeing me as in their group. They seem to forget I'm female.

Loads and loads and loads of men talk like this and worse. Standard 'banter'.

Standard 'banter'.

I agree with you @NiceGerbil but that word always makes me want to vomit. Envy

I can't understand how any woman would not be repulsed by a man who said this kind of thing and clearly has no respect for women, or the privacy of relationships. Grim.

OP if he wants to behave like a teenager perhaps you need to communicate to him the way you would with a teenage son. Behaviour has consequences. So he can lose all (marital) privileges for a while until an apology is forthcoming.

MsTSwift · 21/07/2021 14:38

I overheard our builders conversation when they thought I was out. It consisted of bitching about the other builders that weren’t there and the best lamb curry recipes 😁

YouShouldLeave · 21/07/2021 14:54

Do many of you genuinely believe that this is just some light banter. Come on! It's obviously sign a deeper beliefs about women.

If women just keep telling themselves is just banter, joke, boys being boys, they all like that etc.
then nothing will ever change.
If they still insist being with men i mean. And if they have kids, then we have a next generation of same garbage.