Mortified by what I've overheard from DH's workmates - AIBU

[poppingcandy1]

NC because I am utterly mortified by this

This evening DH had a work social and had some work friends round to the garden for drinks before they went out. It's well known that a young girl who used to work with them had a big crush on DH, nothing has happened between them however and he always said he found it cringey. This evening I arrived home with DDs before DH and mates went out, and I overheard DH's mate say "are you still wnking over ?" about the ex colleague who fancied him. His response was not impressive, he sort of raised his eyebrows and laughed - very laddy and disgusting really.

I feel really upset over this but don't know if I am being unreasonable. She was a pretty young woman and they probably all thought that, so maybe I shouldn't expect better especially as they had no idea I was there. But I just feel really uncomfortable about the whole thing and now am worried DH actually really enjoyed this crush she had on him and his feelings were more untoward than I thought.

Help kick some sense into me!

So call out that behaviour too. If you don't speak up you're complicit.

What you overheard upset you and changed how you think about your H. That's a big deal. Talk to him about it. But I'd start out in a very calm, general way, for example "I overheard an odd conversation last night", followed by what you saw/heard. Just that. Let him respond. Once you know a bit more about what he's thinking, you can bring up any additional worries or questions that he didn't mention.

(I'm assuming you're worried that he might have had a crush or office flirtation (as well as disliking the misogynistic talk and the fact that your DDs could hear it). If you genuinely think he had/is having a full-blown affair and there are other signs of that then that's a different story and it might make more sense to do a little investigating before telling him you suspect. )

Re the banter - yes, it's misogynistic and I'd stay well away from anyone doing the actual talking. For everyone else - it would be great to call it out (and to be fair, many men do) but it's also possible your H doesn't know how to do that or has tried before and it made the problem worse. Unless he's a pig (and you'd probably have had other signs of that) talking with him about it most likely will help him see the seriousness and the impact and maybe encourage him to speak out.

I think he handled it in the best way possible. By making the smallest reaction possible to shut it down. And it worked

I am pretty confident this is how my DH would handle it. He's not got the personality to confront it or call it out, he'd be completely embarrassed by it and would just not want to engage. I presume that's how he's learned to cope it with over the past 30+ years that he's been faced with 'hilarious' bantz from the ladz.

Yes it would be amazing if men and women called out misogyny when they saw it, but not everyone feels they can, for whatever reason.

I used to work in an office with a group of men, we had two offices with doors opposite each other, one of the men shared an office with me and 4 men shared the other office. I had to stay late one night to finish something so was quietly working away when they returned from a job they had been on. I'd never heard the man I shared with swear or say anything questionable.

What I heard over the next few minutes was quite shocking so I made a noise to let them know I was there. Shamed faced man I shared office with came in and apologised.

I would never have believed any of them would talk like that but particularly him.

I agree that he handled it ok, sounds like he just laughed it off. The mate sounds like an immature dick though and what he said was very disrespectful to you - I would definitely talk to your DH about how that made you feel. What he did got it moved on from quicker than anything he could have said but I would definitely ask him to say something like 'no one's better than my wife' with a smile and let them take that whatever way they want in future. He was put on the spot and could have handled it better but my god there are a million ways he could he have handled it worse.

When this girl had a cringey crush on your dh, they all noticed. They also know he's a married man with dds. I suspect that they are taesing him by turning the object and subject of the crush around. It introduces the topic - her and her crush - sounds out your dh's feelings about it and raises a laugh because far from him banging one out over her, it's she who had been thinking of him and may still be. Haw haw haw.

I wouldn't worry about that aspect. I would want to remind dh that he has dds and that if he doesn't want them spoken about like that then he has to raise his head above the parapet and challenge this sort of stuff.

In these cases, men won't listen to women, they need to have men who break ranks.

If men down the pub shunned the men down the pub who are boasting about only paying £5 a week child maintenance, it would no longer happen.

Always amazes me how women have no idea about the way men think or behave or, just as importantly, the biological/social/cultural/ historical reasons for it. Of course the same can be said vice versa. But, unlike men, women (as a group) seem to always give the impression that they have men sussed, when in fact the vast majority have not a clue.

But if course they don’t have to; there’s no obligation on ANYONE, male or female, to take any particular interest in any individual or demographic, as long as we all obey the law. But if you’re battling to to fight the patriarchy, it might be a good idea to have a correct and realistic understand understanding of the demographic which comprises it. Know your enemy and all that.

Its awkward, it wasnt brave, but unless you've never picked the wrong split second reaction to something innapropriate i suggest you take it for what it is, a passing slip up

Exactly. People are reading way too much into this. I could think of a dozen incidents right now when, given only a spilt second to respond, I went a way that I regretted later. Every single one of us must surely have done the same, and spent ages dwelling on the riposte that would have been perfect, if only we'd had time to think.

I still don't understand who people are blaming the DH for his colleague's comment.

The problem is his friend is using bad and inappropriate language in your home. As for the content - if you’re offended by that then stay single as virtually every man in the world has said similar - or at least laughed along to a friend saying similar. It’s just what men occasionally do among themselves: say immature “taboo” nonsense that would get them a clip around the ear if a female was listening in. And I’m sure most women have had the odd jokey discussion (though perhaps less frequently) with friends which would be pretty inappropriate/uncomfortable if a male was listening in.

@LizardCreature

I'm a bit disgusted to read these comments. Do British men really talk like this? In that case it isnt a man thing it's a cultural thing. Gross.

It's not just British men. It's most men.

I would be telling DH that his work colleagues are no longer welcome in your home. Ask him how he would feel if it was you or your DDs being talked about in that way. Just because ‘it’s banter and all men talk like that’ doesn’t make it right. Would your DH be ok if it was banter about disabled people or racism? YANBU to be upset.

I would go and sit with them and start up a discussion about wanking over people. Asking them if theyre still wanking over so&so. Id make it really weird and awkward

@GiantHaystacks2021

This is how a lot of men talk when no women are around. It's horrible but good luck trying to stop it.

It's also the way a lot of women talk when there are no men around, if you think otherwise you're living in cloud cuckoo land. Over many years I have worked in both predominently female and predominently male environments and the things I heard in the female environment were far worse then the male! There's a lot of naivity on this site about female behaviour.

@NotPersephone

Horrible cunts. Disrespecting you while in your house no doubt drinking your booze and scoffing your food.

This is the thin end of a nasty misogynistic wedge. Your husband is also either lying to your or to his mates about this young woman.

Actually the use of the word cunt is misogynistic. It’s a derogatory word for female genitalia. Why would you use it?

cos its a really effective swear that still manages to have impact

There's a lot of naivity on this site about female behaviour

Absolutely. But let's face it, MN is instinctively, Woman- good, Man-bad in any situation. Deviate from that in one's opinion and you risk being called a hand maiden.

@LizardCreature

I'm a bit disgusted to read these comments. Do British men really talk like this? In that case it isnt a man thing it's a cultural thing. Gross.

I am happy, or unhappy to report that plenty of Irish men speak like this too in certain circumstances and groupings

@saraclara

There's a lot of naivity on this site about female behaviour

Absolutely. But let's face it, MN is instinctively, Woman- good, Man-bad in any situation. Deviate from that in one's opinion and you risk being called a hand maiden.

So true. Or cool girl.

It's also the way a lot of women talk when there are no men around, if you think otherwise you're living in cloud cuckoo land.

So true.

@saraclara

There's a lot of naivity on this site about female behaviour

Absolutely. But let's face it, MN is instinctively, Woman- good, Man-bad in any situation. Deviate from that in one's opinion and you risk being called a hand maiden.

whilst I do know women who are quite coarse, It is nowhere near as commonplace for women to be so frank and vulgar about people. It just isnt.

It is nowhere near as commonplace for women to be so frank and vulgar about people. It just isnt

It definitely is when alcohol is involved. The banter I’ve heard on girls’ nights out would make your hair curl.

Ever been on a hen night with a bunch of young nurses ? Ever been to a hen night strip show and seen what women say and do when men are not around ?
I'll plead guilty to whataboutery straight off but in the ACTUAL case op is concerned with I would suggest a quiet word around not liking or appreciating that kind of talk in your home will be more effective than sitting down with him and questioning him about his wanking fantasies ..

@Blossomtoes

It is nowhere near as commonplace for women to be so frank and vulgar about people. It just isnt

It definitely is when alcohol is involved. The banter I’ve heard on girls’ nights out would make your hair curl.

a few colleagues at someones barbeque in their garden not so much, or at work. Obviously weve all met women like this. I had a friend who loved going to see stuff like dreamboys and chippendales, and could be a bit of a cackling harpy (i mean that in a nice way lol) but if you are honestly telling me that most women when they go out are just as vulgar and objectifying about random blokes then I dunno, its not been my experience at all, and im pretty far from sheltered. Women dont tend to harrass and heckle or assault teenage boys. They dont tend to rape them. They dont tend to be as overtly crude about their intentions. Its a massively gendered behaviour. Why would anyone pretend it isnt?

Just like to say I’m really impressed with how realistic so many of the responses on here have been. Sometimes I read MN threads regarding male banter, pornography etc and think what planet are you on?! Eg where people refuse to believe their DP has ever even been present during an inappropriate conversation with male friends / colleagues and they’d divorce them immediately if they did. Unfortunately this is group male behaviour since the beginning of time. Many do feel a bit uncomfortable when conversations really go into the gutter but I wouldn’t want my DP to feel like the morality police every time some loudmouth made a daft comment.

OP I do feel for you, it’s a shit comment to overhear from a shitty colleague, but as others have said, in that awkward situation your DH didn’t do terribly, all things considered.

And to those who have heard women say just as bad or worse, I worked in banking and also witnessed happily married women making pretty explicit comments about male colleagues during nights out.

They wouldnt have made this comment if at some point he hadn't said he fancied her. It wouldn't be 'funny' otherwise. That's what would be concerning me, he has clearly made comments about her in the past and thats why they were winding him up about it. I would definitely be having a word and finding out more, this would have really upset me too.