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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting DH to live away for work

167 replies

MisterMeaner · 20/07/2021 09:03

DH (20 years married) is currently job hunting. He has found a job that will require him to live away from home for at least a couple of nights a week. I think that this is likely to expand into most of the week - effectively making him a weekend DH. We currently have a very close, loving relationship with two children in early teens. He's always worked long hours, occasionally needed to be away for a week now and then, but never been away from home overnight routinely.

I can think of four relationships off the top of my head where a couple lived separately for work purposes, and every one of them ended in the marriage failing or coming under massive stress. I can't think of an example of this arrangement where the marriage has thrived.

AIBU to think that this could be a really dangerous move, in terms of our relationship? I'd be interested to hear others' experiences.

OP posts:

Dozer · 20/07/2021 09:04

He’s being VU!

Unless there’re really no other good options.

Mums almost never do this.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 20/07/2021 09:04

Dh is working away mon to fri atm and will prob continue until the autumn.We have lots of facetime and make sure we have great weekends

FawnFrenchieMum · 20/07/2021 09:06

My DH worked away M-F for years. I won’t lie and say it was easy all the time but our children were much younger then yours. We FaceTimed and messaged each evening and made the most of the weekends.
He no longer works away but it didn’t break our marriage at all.

Meloncurse · 20/07/2021 09:08

I don't automatically think it's a bad idea, as long as working away has a significant advantage for both of you - i.e. a much greater salary

Guineapigbridge · 20/07/2021 09:08

Despite what pp said, I'm a mum and I'm about to embark on a work arrangement like this. Month away, month back sort of thing. Our marriage is great but I am a bit concerned that it'll put a strain on things.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/07/2021 09:08

I'm not suggesting for one second that your husband will do this, but I worked in a corporate hotel - the kind on the edge of a business park where employees would come and stay Sun-Thurs regularly.

I would say about 10% of our regulars were known for (and very visible about) bringing women back to their rooms - all men whose wives would call into the hotel switchboard to chat to their DHS most evenings.

I'd say add to that the number of men (and it was always men), who would order room service and purposefully answer the door naked / lie on the bed naked masturbating to porn and "accidentally" not hear Housekeeping knock/enter their room to clean it.

Some would ask for adjoining rooms to certain colleagues of the opposite sex.

One guy would say one weekend "my wife and kids are coming to stay" so we would move them to a nicer room, next weekend "my wifes coming to stay on her own" - completely different woman.

And these were just the ones we knew.

I know NAMALT. I know. But it opened my eyes for sure

Naunet · 20/07/2021 09:08

Perfectly reasonable, this is not the marriage you signed up for. Have you told him how you feel?

cookiesandcreamm · 20/07/2021 09:11

My DP works away, month on month off, it works.
Yes it's scary at first and you have to get used to it but honestly it's put no strain on us at all.
Plenty FaceTime, phone calls, and we do lots of things when he's home.

Essentialironingwater · 20/07/2021 09:13

Reasonable not to want this. DH was away Mon-Thurs for about a year and we both hated it but it unlocked a really great career for him and now he works from home 4-5 days a week. It didn't break us but it was lonely for both of us - he used to ring me every half an hour in the evenings "what do you think I should have for dinner?" "What should I watch?" "What shall we do at the weekend?". We are one of those much maligned MN couples who are usually joined at the hip, I'm glad it's over. But, we survived!

Thursa · 20/07/2021 09:14

My husband had a job where he worked away for three months (half a world away) and came home for a month. Kids were 10 and 12 at the time. We managed for a couple of years, but it was hard!

Skype/messaging helps. He could still help the kids with their maths homework. Once he was away a couple of weeks, we fell into a routine without him. The loneliness was awful, and he was away for every birthday/holiday/occasion in that two years.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 20/07/2021 09:14

My DH works away. We are doing to make more stability for the children... we've followed him around Europe fir 10years, but now DD1 is about to apply for secondary school, we want her to go to one, not a new one every 18months (on her fifth primary school).

Its not perfect. We would prefer to be together more. But its only another six years...

You've got to weigh up the pros and cons.

ApolloandDaphne · 20/07/2021 09:16

My DH worked away Mon-Fri for 5 years when our DC were fairly young. It was absolutely fine. We are still together and our DC are adults now and have a solid relationship with their DF.

aimss4777 · 20/07/2021 09:19

My DP works away and I'm giving birth to our first baby in a couple of weeks! He's home once a month for one weekend and it's tough but worth it because of his wage etc, this could be something to think about too if it's going to make a difference?
I think if your relationships is already as strong as you say there will be no problems at all!!!
It's not hard to communicate now a days online especially with FaceTime etc!

TheDevils · 20/07/2021 09:20

My ex did this and it killed our marriage. He just went ahead and did it though with no consultation.
We didn't have kids because I refused to have them while he was only home at weekends.

I know some people make it work but I think I it's hugely unfair if both of you aren't on board m, especially if you have kids.

aimss4777 · 20/07/2021 09:22

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I'm not suggesting for one second that your husband will do this, but I worked in a corporate hotel - the kind on the edge of a business park where employees would come and stay Sun-Thurs regularly.

Some would ask for adjoining rooms to certain colleagues of the opposite sex.

One guy would say one weekend "my wife and kids are coming to stay" so we would move them to a nicer room, next weekend "my wifes coming to stay on her own" - completely different woman.

And these were just the ones we knew.

I know NAMALT. I know. But it opened my eyes for sure

What's the need for this though, she's clearly in a healthy strong relationship! Deffo not all men yes so why the need to comment this which could make her worries 10x worse lol

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/07/2021 09:26

I dont doubt the strength of her marriage. I wouldnt have doubted the strength of the marriage of the women I met at weekends who would come and have a lovely time with their husbands.

I mention it as a consideration. That is all. It happens. It happens more than you think. Strong marriage or not. You think only men in failing relationships cheat? You've not been on MN very long then!

BonnyandPoppy · 20/07/2021 09:27

We did this for years and it worked really well and I think it was positive fit our marriage. Now he has semi retired and is home all the time and sometimes I wish we were back to weekends! He always either came home on Thursdays and returned Sunday or I flew out to him on Thursday and returned Sunday. We owned a house in both countries. I work full time and compressed my hours to have Fridays off.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 20/07/2021 09:29

@Bernadette I dont think thats a helpful story

ivfgottwins · 20/07/2021 09:35

Well it depends doesn't it? If you are a STAHM or work part time and financially you have no choice then YABU?

scubaqueen1 · 20/07/2021 09:38

I've done it for years(female) and left my family at home Mon - Thu - not young children though, and am still with my husband who supported my career decisions.
It depends on how self reliant the one at home is really, and if they are ok with being left with the day to day work. There are many more men able to do this but it's becoming more common with women now.

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2021 09:39

I did this for years, it’s fine, as long as you both wish th marriage to work. If your marriage is unsteady then it’s a recipe for disaster.

Winwins · 20/07/2021 09:42

I had to work away in the week when we were first married. We hated it and would never do it again. I know lots of people who do make it work, but it wouldn’t work for us. We value seeing each other and the kids every day and that is really the foundation of our relationship. It didn’t impact our relationship, but it was only a year and before we had kids.

Having said that, if you’re dependent on his income alone and that’s the only option, you might all have to suck it up and put in the effort to make the best of it until he finds something else but it would have to be on the agreement it’s temporary for me.

TheDevils · 20/07/2021 09:48

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I dont doubt the strength of her marriage. I wouldnt have doubted the strength of the marriage of the women I met at weekends who would come and have a lovely time with their husbands.

I have to say I agree. Me and my ex had a very strong relationship before he started working away. He still had his head turned and had an affair with a work colleague who was also working away with him. He was the last person I would have imagined doing this - when we divorced and I told people what he did there were many who refused to believe it.

I later found out that all his colleagues were at it. It really opened my eyes.

DaxtheDestroyer · 20/07/2021 09:55

We did it for 5 years when our children were small and we hated it. It was meant to be for no more than 18 months but it kept getting longer and longer. I felt like I was in the verge of a breakdown in the end and he felt distant from his family. We changed it and moved jobs and house and things are much better now. I felt like I hadn't signed up to be in a marriage like that. We'd always been close and a strong couple and just really enjoyed being together so it felt totally wrong,

RookieRoo · 20/07/2021 09:55

My dad had worked away most of my life as far back as I can remember. He's only just starting to stay at home with my mum a bit more.

They've been married over 30 years with two grown kids and a grandchild.

Yeah they definitely argue, but I don't see them breaking up, and they feel the same.

And my dad was months abroad for years and years. Then full weeks away every Monday to Friday. And sometimes staying two weeks back to back. He still does the odd night or two away for work reasons, too.

However, on the other hand, I don't know if I would manage if my DH worked away like my dad did.

It's all about the individual people as well as the couple. It works for some but not for others.

I don't think it's an automatic ticket for failure, though.

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