Not wanting DH to live away for work

[MisterMeaner]

DH (20 years married) is currently job hunting. He has found a job that will require him to live away from home for at least a couple of nights a week. I think that this is likely to expand into most of the week - effectively making him a weekend DH. We currently have a very close, loving relationship with two children in early teens. He's always worked long hours, occasionally needed to be away for a week now and then, but never been away from home overnight routinely.

I can think of four relationships off the top of my head where a couple lived separately for work purposes, and every one of them ended in the marriage failing or coming under massive stress. I can't think of an example of this arrangement where the marriage has thrived.

AIBU to think that this could be a really dangerous move, in terms of our relationship? I'd be interested to hear others' experiences.

Many of my commuting colleagues started as Monday to Thursday but then morning meetings etc meant that it became Sunday to Friday.

Departing on Sunday afternoon/evening disrupts the weekend for everyone. The commuter has a week's worth of laundry to get done in two days meaning somebody has to be feeding the washing machine & tumble dryer plus doing the ironing, this gets in the way of doing family activities/meeting up with family & friends. Sunday lunch has to be finished in time for the commuter to be packed and ready to catch the train/flight.

Domestic admin falls to the resident partner. They are the ones around to see what needs doing/make the calls/take a half day off to let the plumber in etc. School related issues also tend to fall to the resident partner: parents evenings, sports days etc etc

Most of my commuting colleagues packed it in after a year or so frequently citing relationship problems. The few who carried on were already single or their relationships ended during the commuting time.

Some people can make it work but it wasnt for us, we moved (a different challenge) so that my work trips tended to be further apart.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves My DH works away. We are doing to make more stability for the children... we've followed him around Europe fir 10years, but now DD1 is about to apply for secondary school, we want her to go to one, not a new one every 18months (on her fifth primary school).

Its not perfect. We would prefer to be together more. But its only another six years...

Wow , so your children hardly see their dad and you don’t see your husband. Home educating would provide stability.

OP, this is a bit random but have you considered training as an accountant? There is a shortage, you can do it in bits and my accountant friends never seem to miss an assembly etc. If I had a time machine I'd definitely consider it (I am a teacher but I don't recommend that in your position). Don't make all your career goals dependent on your DH. You are a person in your own right.

@CastawayQueen

Why does your DH want to change jobs? Your children are in their early teens - how much looking after do they need? Also in a few years they should be capable of doing chores so your main issue would be availability to drive them everywhere?

You need to as a family figure out how to satisfy both your needs. Your DH’s job expands? Fine, then he uses the extra money to cover his share of the responsibilities. I’m assuming here that the changing jobs is for his benefit and not due to any major issue like a toxic workplace. And that his current job doesn’t leave you wanting financially.

Taking the ‘easy’ way is why so many women end up wasted as SAHM. Because they take a few years off and by that time the H has steamed on and earned a few promotions. So it ‘doesn’t make financial sense’ to go back to work. And the woman stays stuck at home.

HOWEVER that’s a short term view. Apart from the financial benefits etc obtained from working (like pensions) it does wonders for the self esteem etc if you are the sort of woman who enjoys working.

So talk about it. And don’t take the easy route.

You talk a lot of sense - thank you. It definitely feels easier to go along as we have been.

DH is changing job due to toxic workplace. He will leave in a few months, but with a year's salary in hand. I completely support him in this as it's been taking a huge toll on his mental health. The problem is he's so highly remunerated in the "toxic" role, we are likely going to take a financial hit - this travelling role doesn't seem to be as well paid as the one he's leaving. One solution is I go back to work - but then if he's going to plump for a job that leaves me holding all the reins at home, I will find this much harder.

And yes, the children don't need a lot of supervision, but they can't just be left to their own devices for hours on end, and they need me to pick them up and take them places. So I feel like a chauffeur or a butler on standby - hence the boredom for me, coupled with difficulty finding a role that can fit around that. It's tempting to ride it out for just a few more years, then get my life back when they're at University!

Maybe we should use his payoff to take a year getting me back into work, with DH picking up home slack. He will then get to see what's involved for me, and make a more informed choice of next job.

Yes! Your last paragraph makes a lot of sense.

@HPLikecraft

as most people have to keep things going at home and have a full time job, the "home" bit is not such a big load let's be honest. Enough that it needs to be shared equally, even when one is away, but it's not that big a deal.

Depends how much needs doing. Multiple DC, housework, washing etc. is a lot for one person if they're also working F/T, and could make them resentful if they're spending the evening bathing and putting various DC to bed while partner is in a posh hotel room with room service, wondering which film to watch.

Yup. May as well be a single parent. Particularly if you're the one funding most of the home etc anyway. Much happier now.

@HPLikecraft

Well, statistically speaking, a lot of them don't...

Same as any other kind of marriage, then!

Except that a higher proportion of them fail than average. For exactly the reasons discussed on this thread.

[quote Overgroundunderground]@StripyGiraffes

Why wouldn’t it end well?
Please enlighten me?[/quote]
Not read the thread?

Except that a higher proportion of them fail than average. For exactly the reasons discussed on this thread.

Is there some statistical evidence for that?

A quick Google shows there's loads of evidence that long distance adds extra strain increasing odds of breaking up.

@5475878237NC

A quick Google shows there's loads of evidence that long distance adds extra strain increasing odds of breaking up.

That’s not quite the same thing.

My dh works away Monday to Friday. Our marriage is great but the only time it pisses me off is when dh has arrangements with his friends or family which means he’s spending time with them and not me. For instance his friends all planned a day out at a beer festival, of course because he loves beer and doesn’t get to see much of his friends he went. I don’t drink and it was all the guys so couldn’t go…but that was a day again, without him which I resent a little but don’t say anything because I know he can’t win.

What also pisses me off is he spends his nights in the hotel bar with his work colleagues, who are all guys but every time I phone, they are in the background until he goes back to his room, sometimes 11pm at night.
It’s a bit shit tbh but it’s not strained our marriage. But it definitely has its annoyances.

We are doing this currently, just temporarily. Our marriage is perfectly stable, it's not threatening it, but it's making us both miserable, I miss him terribly as do the kids, he misses family life. It's not a normal life and not something I'd recommend more than a temporary measure. Just a couple more weeks for us, can't wait to have him home properly.

It's bloody hard work. My OH works away during the week. I work full time, do all the bits round the house, sort our 6 year old out, school run, walk dog, take to Dr's, dentists etc, sort out things to do during half term (usually library,. Visit to friends, park, see grandparents)etc. Then there is the weekends he doesn't get home and it just carries on over the weekend . I am always knackered when he gets home and all he does is moan about it. I had to put my life and career on hold while he has swanned off to London. I am working up to telling him, not asking him, that next year I am quitting work (nhs admin, which I absolutely hate) to go back to college to retrain as a veterinary nurse. It has been a lifelong dream of mine and now my child is older I am at the point where if I don't do it I will be working as an administrator for the next 35 years

We did it for years but dh chose to stay at home as kids got more older. Think he would like to go back to working away as its more interesting work but I really wouldn't want him to

I think it only works if you have really excellent communication. The people who worked with DH when he was away who ended up quitting early have since said they didn’t discuss the downsides enough before they went.

Also for us one of his colleagues gave him the advice of budgeting in, and using, a launderette near his hotel when he was away for a week and it was great advice. He dropped off his washing on a Thursday and collected it Monday meaning he was only washing one days stuff at the weekend so didn’t feel like his whole weekend was taken up by getting organised. It also meant when he washed his stuff at the weekend there was space so he was just contributing to washing, rather than just sorting himself.

DH also never played weekend Disney Dad and I think that was a massive help. He also FaceTimed any evening there was a “this isn’t acceptable” conversation to be had with one of the kids so it didn’t turn into me being the bad guy who nagged about school and homework and him the fun guy who did trips to the zoo.

People dont see the downsides until they are actually experiencing them. I have travelled a lot internationally for work. I now know it is seldom glamourous. Hotels are often close to the offices I am visiting so in the commercial district of big cities. I often joke that I have been to the Milton Keynes of everywhere!

The fun stuff is always somewhere else.

It can be surprisingly expensive to travel regularly for work. The hotel and dinner get paid on expenses but there is still lunch to pay for (you cant take a week's worth of sandwiches from home). Laundry has to be paid for (hugely expensive in hotels) or saved up until home. The coffees/water/snacks on journeys have to paid for and often cant be claimed for. It doesnt sound much but over a week/month/year it sure adds up.

For the partner at home there is all the domestic drudgery still to be done with no one to share it with. On top of that they have a knackered partner coming home at weekends with a mountain of laundry and no desire to do anything as they have been living the 'highlife' all week and just want a couple of days of rest.

The only real perk of regular travel is getting into the frequent stayer/flyer schemes and accumulating points which can be redeemed for family trips.