Not wanting DH to live away for work

[MisterMeaner]

DH (20 years married) is currently job hunting. He has found a job that will require him to live away from home for at least a couple of nights a week. I think that this is likely to expand into most of the week - effectively making him a weekend DH. We currently have a very close, loving relationship with two children in early teens. He's always worked long hours, occasionally needed to be away for a week now and then, but never been away from home overnight routinely.

I can think of four relationships off the top of my head where a couple lived separately for work purposes, and every one of them ended in the marriage failing or coming under massive stress. I can't think of an example of this arrangement where the marriage has thrived.

AIBU to think that this could be a really dangerous move, in terms of our relationship? I'd be interested to hear others' experiences.

It's reasonable not to want this but if it's a good job and other options are limited then sometimes we do things that aren't ideal due to necessity. Once international travel resumes I will be home alone for 1-2 weeks a month, and I mean alone kids are students, the only good thing is that occasionally I can go too if it's a weekend meeting or my work is quiet enough to wfh

@melj1213 In some Scottish villages (well I personally know two examples) it's quite common and I think it's easier because the women;and it is mostly that way around) support each other. Same goes with military families of course.

@RevolvingPivot

I am 100% sure that is bullshit!

He is a submariner, hence the lack of contact at times. It is quite standard in submarine life. 75% of the time he’s deployed I will get emails from him but there are times when
Naturally due the nature of his job it is impossible for him to email. They have to remain covert.

Jeez not everyone who works away has a secret family or multiple women on the go.

Oh no if you say your DH is away for 6 months without contact then they aren't really in the military and he has another woman plus kids. Sick to death of hearing that on here

Ignore this nonsense @Overgroundunderground, there are enough military wives here to understand exactly what you meant.

Which is why amongst us 'normal' Army wives there is massive respect for Submariners wives because they have to put up with a lot more than us (actually navy wives in general... army is relatively easy!)

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

Thank you! It can be so shit at times. Although equally for all armed forces spouses it’s not an easy ride.

The main breadwinner, be it man or woman, has to bear the brunt of these tough decisions. Not the other partner who effectively less responsibility in providing for the family. Let’s not pretend otherwise. It’s easy to demand from or influence the partner who is away, as long as the person doing the demanding makes up for the lost income.

My dh was often away for 3 or 4 weeks at a time, and he was once based in Jakarta for a year, ditto in South Africa. He would come home for the odd weekend, though, and I’d join him for an occasional week.

I’d always been used to him working very long hours, though, plus 6 day weeks when were were living in the Middle East, so it didn’t bother me too much.

We’re still happily together many years later - maybe I was just lucky though. TBH he was such a workaholic I don’t suppose he’d have spared the time for hanky panky, but he did tell me of the odd colleague who was off looking for prostitutes almost the moment he was off the plane. And this was Africa, with AIDS spreading like wildfire. 😱

My husband has done it for years.

I am going to start later this year.

Lots of organisation and communication and it can work absolutely fine.

@sst1234

The main breadwinner, be it man or woman, has to bear the brunt of these tough decisions. Not the other partner who effectively less responsibility in providing for the family. Let’s not pretend otherwise. It’s easy to demand from or influence the partner who is away, as long as the person doing the demanding makes up for the lost income.

Wow - so managing a home and children is ‘less responsibility’ simply because it’s not paid? Also you do realise that travelling jobs aren’t necessarily well paid and the home partner could probably make up the difference AND MORE if she wasn’t busy holding the fort down

He/she

@sst1234 The main breadwinner, be it man or woman, has to bear the brunt of these tough decisions. Not the other partner who effectively less responsibility in providing for the family. Let’s not pretend otherwise. It’s easy to demand from or influence the partner who is away, as long as the person doing the demanding makes up for the lost income.

I've been the person at home for many years. I earn far more than my husband. I still regard him as my equal partner.

If it's a partnership then these things are decided together.

Otherwise the person at home is not really a partner - let's not pretend otherwise.

@sst1234

The main breadwinner, be it man or woman, has to bear the brunt of these tough decisions. Not the other partner who effectively less responsibility in providing for the family. Let’s not pretend otherwise. It’s easy to demand from or influence the partner who is away, as long as the person doing the demanding makes up for the lost income.

I would say the one who bears the brunt is the one keeping things going at home, regardless of the income of each party.

My dh worked away for over a year, 2 weeks away 2 weeks at home. It was a great opportunity on an exciting project, however resentment did start to grow. I was at home with a ft job (paying more than his, not that it's relevant really, but my job is stressful), dc and dog. We had no local family support either, though I had good friends. Dh was also working some of the time he was home but also had days off in the week. It was the straw that broke the camels back really- I had wanted to relocate back to near my family for years but dh didn't. When the project ended dh was offered a good redundancy package so it was now or never in terms of moving. That time away made us realise what was really important- family and being together. We have moved now, dh does not travel and we're happier than ever. Short term opportunities away from home can be great but no way would I want that to be my life for an extended period.

This was us for about 7 years until March 2020. DH went away on Monday morning and came back Thursday evening, WFH Friday. It was fine for us, but only because I had given up work by this point. If I'd had to look after children (one of whom has ASD) alone, as well as work full time as a teacher, I'd have been complaining. As it was, it worked well and kept things fresh.

Whether or not it works for any couple is going to be entirely subjective and dependent on individual circumstances; and should be agreed upon by both parties. There's no right or wrong; it may or may not work. So although it worked for me, OP, I think YANBU to be concerned.

Now we've been together EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. for 16 months, and he's likely to keep WFH for the foreseeable. I do miss the time alone and "starfishing" in bed!

@Roodicus21

My dh worked away for over a year, 2 weeks away 2 weeks at home. It was a great opportunity on an exciting project, however resentment did start to grow. I was at home with a ft job (paying more than his, not that it's relevant really, but my job is stressful), dc and dog. We had no local family support either, though I had good friends. Dh was also working some of the time he was home but also had days off in the week. It was the straw that broke the camels back really- I had wanted to relocate back to near my family for years but dh didn't. When the project ended dh was offered a good redundancy package so it was now or never in terms of moving. That time away made us realise what was really important- family and being together. We have moved now, dh does not travel and we're happier than ever. Short term opportunities away from home can be great but no way would I want that to be my life for an extended period.

In your case as well there doesn’t seem to have been any benefit (unless it catapulted your DH into a higher earnings bracket). You earned more AND did all of the household stuff. A perfect example of what I was trying to illustrate. And again as @HPLikecraft mentioned having a full time job and dealing with the house would be stressful.

So it really depends on the couple OP…

I would say the one who bears the brunt is the one keeping things going at home, regardless of the income of each party.

as most people have to keep things going at home and have a full time job, the "home" bit is not such a big load let's be honest. Enough that it needs to be shared equally, even when one is away, but it's not that big a deal.

@OhtheVulgarity

People are completely missing the point here by rambling on about affairs. The point is the OP is suddenly finding herself doing the vast majority of the parenting of two children.

We did this working in different countries for about seven years, six months out of the year, and are still very happily married years later (no one shagged anyone else, our relationship was strong and close), but the key thing was that we didn't have a child at the time. In your case, you're getting dumped doing 90% of the parenting -- that's not OK.

This. I agree. Young children in this situation are the dealbreaker. I love spending time alone. When left alone to deal with a one year old and a newborn (even though I was the higher earner!) not so much.

@pleasedonttextmyman

I would say the one who bears the brunt is the one keeping things going at home, regardless of the income of each party.

as most people have to keep things going at home and have a full time job, the "home" bit is not such a big load let's be honest. Enough that it needs to be shared equally, even when one is away, but it's not that big a deal.

I think you're assuming I meant the one at home is a SAHP? I wasn't at all. I was the spouse at home, working full-time for more money than DH, but I do think I bore the brunt while he lived the life of Riley. Add in DC and the burden is disproportionately on the spouse at home, regardless of work or salary.

I don’t see a problem with this proposal if it’s the best job offer going.
I’ve done it twice - both 3y stints each and DH did it for 2y.
We weren’t in any way damaged by it, neither were our kids, but it’s not about us, it’s about how you and your family would cope - sounds like not well

My DPs dad worked away alot, many long business trips throughout the year during his childhood and he says that he wasn't as close to him as he is now a an adult and his dad around more. His dad also got told a list of things they'd done whilst he was away when they were being "naughty" so he's returns were mostly him telling them off. Not fun for him to have to be the bad guy but I guess that happens when one parent gets no support

I think you're assuming I meant the one at home is a SAHP?

not really. Both DH and I work full time and had to travel at various times, no long stay, just a few weeks here and there, but DH would have been away on average a couple of weeks a month?

Having had to travel for work too, I am laughing at the "life of riley" just because you are not home!

as most people have to keep things going at home and have a full time job, the "home" bit is not such a big load let's be honest. Enough that it needs to be shared equally, even when one is away, but it's not that big a deal.

Depends how much needs doing. Multiple DC, housework, washing etc. is a lot for one person if they're also working F/T, and could make them resentful if they're spending the evening bathing and putting various DC to bed while partner is in a posh hotel room with room service, wondering which film to watch.

@Blossomtoes

Oh no if you say your DH is away for 6 months without contact then they aren't really in the military and he has another woman plus kids. Sick to death of hearing that on here

Ignore this nonsense @Overgroundunderground, there are enough military wives here to understand exactly what you meant.

I don't understand that comment.

The industry I used to work in had a lot of men who lived mon- Friday here and home for weekends. Some rented flats others hotels . Unfortunately almost all of them had affairs or constant one night stands

It was always the chat in the office.

I'm not just talking one or two men , I'm taking loads of them.

I was young and unmarried then and didn't think much of it, now I'm older and married no way I'd allow my husband to work away in another town or city. He does work away but on a rig,

These men lived totally double lives. I wouldn't trust him personally.