Not wanting DH to live away for work

[MisterMeaner]

DH (20 years married) is currently job hunting. He has found a job that will require him to live away from home for at least a couple of nights a week. I think that this is likely to expand into most of the week - effectively making him a weekend DH. We currently have a very close, loving relationship with two children in early teens. He's always worked long hours, occasionally needed to be away for a week now and then, but never been away from home overnight routinely.

I can think of four relationships off the top of my head where a couple lived separately for work purposes, and every one of them ended in the marriage failing or coming under massive stress. I can't think of an example of this arrangement where the marriage has thrived.

AIBU to think that this could be a really dangerous move, in terms of our relationship? I'd be interested to hear others' experiences.

There are clearly pros and cons from everything pps have said.

The main thing is that it’s a decision for you both, not a unilateral one for him as it affects the whole family.

I worked in a project department which meant that the teams were weekly commuters into a European hub and then when offsite might be fortnightly commuters.

Many relationships struggled through this. One of my colleagues described it as being like a long rugby tour. Lots of heavy drinking and restaurant meals in the week. Their partners would have been stuck at home with childcare/housekeeping/own work and would have been looking forward to a bit of fun at the weekend only to find that the 'away' partner just wanted a couple of quiet nights in.

Much of this depends on what the rest of the team is like. If it is full of weekly commuters then there can be the heavy drinking culture. Alternatively if the rest of the team are all living at home then the commuter can end up very lonely once everyone else has gone home for the evening.

Some of my colleagues did chose to be weekly lodgers, staying with a family and enjoying a quieter life with homecooked meals at night.

Also, who will be paying for the overnight stays?

Working away isn't an immediate death knell to a marriage but it does require work and you need to balance that against the benefits.

My dad has worked offshore for the last 35 years and my parents marriage is great - my siblings and I have just grown up with it as the oldest is 37 and the youngest is 30, so our entire lives it has been normal for our dad to be away half of the year (usually averages as a month on/month off)

I know my mum definitely had times when she struggled, but that was mostly when we were little and she was juggling a newborn while trying to get a 7 and 5 Yr old to school and a 3 Yr old to nursery etc and my dad's wages more more made up for it as it far exceeded anything he could earn locally.

I know, or certainly hope, that things are different these days... Although not always better for women. My experience was not great (1990/1)...having been a SAHM although not a term I used, I had just started planning a return to work when my husband took (without discussion) a job that would entail being home only for one long weekend per month. I shelved my plans, as it did not seem fair on our then two and a half year old daughter, and I had no-one to have her, and nurseries and childminders were a rarity.
He had worked funny hours, so never saw her much anyway (I could cry writing this...), and I had little say.
He went in October and I only saw him at the end of November because the company paid for a flight for me to go and see him. But he did not see our daughter until the Christmas of that year.
It really was the beginning of the end for us I think... Despite the massive increase in his salary (which was regarded as his... I had the Child Benefit and a small allowance).
Oh, and did I mention that he was working just outside Amsterdam.
Say no more....

If it is really only a couple of days a week, would he be more present on the non-working away days? You said he worked long hours before. I assume that cut into family/couple time. Would working away a bit be a trade off for being more present when he is home? And also realistically, are there other local options? Could you move?

In our relationship, I'm the one with long hours/working away. I work in a very niche scientific field and there are only a few centres of research in the UK. Neither dh nor I actually want to live in any of those areas. So I do a mix of long commutes (6 hours of travel a day) and staying away a couple nights a week. We have two small dc. I have been doing this quite a long time, since my eldest was probably 3/4. For us, it works really well. It means dh gets lots of time with them when I'm away (he's a company director and otherwise really busy with his own career), and I can be more present when I am wfh because I work the long hours when away. And it is nice to have a bit of a break from each other! Though I'll admit it's easier for the person working away than the person left at home.

I think if you're both 100% signed up to the idea then it can work fine but if one of you is unsure then it can be a recipe for disaster.

I think working away during the week and seeing them on the weekend will be easier than the posters who have had partners work away for months at a time obviously, but will his weekends become his "holiday" time where he doesnt want to help out around the house or with the kids etc? Or will he see that as his time to muck in and do more than his fair share?

Did it for 2 years and it killed my very loving close relationship.

DH and I don’t have children and so we have more flexibility than some and have twice moved overseas and back at little to no notice. We have a couple of times been in a scenario where one of us working away Mon - Thu was an employment option. After ordering it a couple of times, we decided no, there are only the two of us and we didn’t get married to live apart.

I have only known one couple personally but “knew” others on expat type forms, by knew I mean I knew the username and their history quite well for a few years. Living apart has never worked out, I think it strains and tests a marriage more than it needs to be. I would not do it.

*considering it not ordering it!

Did this for quite a long time, not great in many ways but we coped and in some ways thrived:

• kept in touch nightly with bedtime for children,
• didn't stress too much if we didn't have a great deal to say to each other EVERY night on FaceTime
• he would do a bit of batch cooking of things for the freezer once or twice a month (can't tell you how useful this was)
• enabled us to get a cleaner in, again invaluable
• in turn the children used to hide notes in his bag or I'd stuff a card or a new book in that he might like.
• actually, ahem, increased the spark in some ways you don't have to always talk over FaceTime and there's a huge amount of fun to be had in building anticipation towards the weekend while you're apart
• "starfishing" in the whole bed on weeknights can get quite addictive

Lots of people do it and if you set things up right and everyone communicates around it then it can become normal and even great in some ways.

Presumably not so distant that he can't get back in an emergency?

Just to add, we both did extended periods working away pre children and trust is a huge part of it.

Also, there was a short period of him being away for >4 weeks at a time a couple of years ago and that was a completely different vibe, he felt a long way away, I coped but want too happy, neither were the children but the worst was his mental health went through the floor (felt a huge weight of responsibility as I wasn't earning at the time) so we worked to change that as quickly as we could.

I suppose because we were honest with each other then we were able to fix it quickly. Communication is key in so many areas of life.

My husband did this for the for a year but worked abroad whilst I stayed in the UK. In the end he was gone for a year, with both of us regularly flying back and forth for a ten hour flight. Lots of tears and Skype calls but we survived. It was a big strain on our relationship but has given us great opportunities and we kept that at the forefront of our minds. It’s not easy and I wouldn’t do it again but at the time, with limited commitments i.e. no kids, it worked for us!

Yes. It's a dangerous move. Particularly at prime mid-life crisis age. Avoid if if you can.

It really depends if the benefits overall outweigh the downside.

DH has always worked away for the odd week here and there and the salary definitely made it worthwhile.

A few years ago he had the opportunity to work away for 6 months, with just once chance to come home in the middle, then 6 months of being away Monday-Friday and we seriously had to consider it because it was a life changing opportunity,

You have to work out of it can work for you and what is needed to make it work for you. For me, as we have a squad of kids and a very small baby at the time, it meant an au pair and a cleaner. Two of the guys who took the same chance left after one month as it didn't work for their families,

Unless you're going to pick up the slack in earnings or he's inundated with better, local offers what do you want him to do?
I did this for a couple of years. It was fine (frankly? I loved having my own place 4 nights a week and was quite sad when it stopped)

My father did for a while but he was a nerdy family man. He adored my mother and would never even go out for drinks alone/ have personal conversations with other people, let alone women so there was never any danger.

I wouldn’t trust any man who wasn’t like that to be away. Hell I wouldn’t even trust myself 😂 I hate video calls , need lots of physical affection and am very much out of sight/out of mind.

Only you know your DH. Nobody else can advice you.

I would say about 10% of our regulars were known for (and very visible about) bringing women back to their rooms

so 90% didn't?

Either you are secure in your relationship, or you're not.

What's the long term plan? Wait until the kids finish school and you relocate?
He only works a couple of years there until he finds better?

I have many friends and family around me having to work in separate cities or countries, it's hard on the one staying home with little ones if they have no family support, but they tend to have a closer relationship.

DH only worked away for few weeks at a time here and there, it didn't bother us. Much more attractive than coming home late and leaving early, and there's something to say about catching up!

I wouldn't do it. I agreed to have a child in a partnership, parenting is already too weighted towards me/ mother's. How can it become more equal when one parent does literally all parenting for 75% of the week? I would be resentful very quickly.

My DH works away for 4 nights a week and has done for the last 10 years. Prior to this he was a HGV driver and was either away all week or working nights which still meant I didn't see him. It is tough but it is what it is - we retire next year so I at least have the end in sight

I currently have a job where I’m away all week, and have done this in the past in another country. In between my husband was also seconded to another country and commuted back on Thursday evenings.

Our kids are older and were then at University, so we had limited commitments at home.

Both of us loved it and still do. Since we’re in busy senior jobs we can put the hours in during the week, and avoid working at weekends. Also going to stay in the different cities was a fab experience.
During the week I often went/go for a drink/dinner with colleagues, male and female, and have managed to resist running off with any of them. (Same for my husband, as far as Im aware, but tbh I don’t need to know what he’s up to all the time).

Been together for about 100 years, with lots of travelling for work when kids were young, and it works really well because we value our individual independence as much as our relationship, and we’ve been able to find the balance for us.

We do this.
DH works in London but we live very rurally. When he got the job, we had a big debate about whether we wanted to give up our lifestyle and home here and move. We decided that no, we didn’t. We love where we will but the salary was twice as much so it was worth him taking the job (and it was a big step up the career ladder for him, he really, really wanted it.)
In some ways, it’s almost easier now than when he worked locally. He worked long hours and trying to plan kids tea, then dinner later for us, meant I was spending every evening in the kitchen cooking (it felt like that anyway!). And he worked on Sundays. Now, I eat with the kids, I’ve got used to pottering by myself in the evening, and then when he’s home, he’s properly home and not just ‘popping back to work for an hour’ or working every Sunday. In a funny way we get more family time now than we did before.
Kids have got used to it although DD hated it at first. It’s just how it is now. And with the pandemic, work have realised he can do more from home than he was allowed to before so he’s got more flexibility to work from home if suitable.
It’s working for us.

Love where we live, sorry.

Either you are secure in your relationship, or you're not.

I don't see what this has to do with it. Not everyone wants a marriage where they only see their partner at weekends - that doesn't mean those people are insecure in their relationships or that they don't trust their partners.

It's one of those things that works for some people and doesn't work for others. Your relationship isn't more secure just because you live apart through the week, just like it's not more secure because you share a bed together every night.

It was one of the main factors in my marriage breakdown.