Not wanting DH to live away for work

[MisterMeaner]

DH (20 years married) is currently job hunting. He has found a job that will require him to live away from home for at least a couple of nights a week. I think that this is likely to expand into most of the week - effectively making him a weekend DH. We currently have a very close, loving relationship with two children in early teens. He's always worked long hours, occasionally needed to be away for a week now and then, but never been away from home overnight routinely.

I can think of four relationships off the top of my head where a couple lived separately for work purposes, and every one of them ended in the marriage failing or coming under massive stress. I can't think of an example of this arrangement where the marriage has thrived.

AIBU to think that this could be a really dangerous move, in terms of our relationship? I'd be interested to hear others' experiences.

That isn’t the kind of marriage I want and more importantly it’s not the kind of relationship I think either of us should have with our child. I would be much less upset about the suggestion if our child had already reached adulthood and moved out, but even with a teen, I want both parents to be active involved parents in day to day life.

That is just the kind of family I desired and thankfully DH agrees. Neither of us has taken jobs that requires extensive travel because we have always had other options . We would only consider being away regularly if it was the only way to support the family without significant economic compromise.

@pleasedonttextmyman

I think you're assuming I meant the one at home is a SAHP?

not really. Both DH and I work full time and had to travel at various times, no long stay, just a few weeks here and there, but DH would have been away on average a couple of weeks a month?

Having had to travel for work too, I am laughing at the "life of riley" just because you are not home!

Assuming that you’re not a homebody and are travelling with expenses paid decent job - no cooking , cleaning laundry or dealing with small people after work. just work and buy yourself what yoi want.

the exception is of course being a truck driver or similar but here we're talking about your average office job

I think your concerns are valid. Two nights a week may be to sell the job to him if recruiting people locally is difficult or to get him to work long hours, and could then expand into more because of 'emergencies' that are reasons not to come back home.

Thanks for all the replies.
DH reckons he will be able to go up on a train Monday morning to arrive by midday, and back Tuesday evening (last train leaves at 5pm). It's clear to me he will end up travelling up on Sunday evening, for an early Monday meeting and will miss the 5pm train so end up staying til Wednesday - that's three nights.
Then there are regional offices he will be expected to visit - over 60 sites all over the UK, which will be another night every week in my estimation.

I am the default parent - have been ever since our oldest was born. We're both quite single-minded individuals and felt it would work for us to have one person focussed on earning, and one focussed on family/home. He's very present for the home / family when he's home. However, if I could go back in time, I'd not do it this way again. I was hoping to maybe get a bit more balance in life with both children at secondary school now, but it feels like this job move will make it harder for me to have any meaningful life outside of the house because one of us has to be able to be flexible for holidays, school run (they need driving due to where we live), emergencies etc.

It's not panic stations just yet - he's not left the old job yet, and we have savings to keep us going for a while so it's not a case of having to take this job or starve. But he does seem very attracted to the role and I feel like my concerns about the impact on family life are being heard, but then disregarded.

Ironically his own father lived away for work - and DH resented him for it. Whilst the in-laws marriage is still going, MIL found out about FIL's long term affair the week before their 40th wedding anniversary. I can't pretend that's not on my mind. Anyone can have an affair.

@CastawayQueen
It was good experience for my dh and he got to visit countries we would probably never go to -Mayalsua, Japan, Korea etc. He did of course get a pay rise and expenses paid and he found a job in our new area really easily. His new boss said they were really impressed with the global projects he worked on which stood out against other candidates. It all worked out in the end anyway but no way would I agree to it again unless there were literally no local jobs. He'd have to factor a cleaner, nanny and gardener into the equation though!

OP have you put it to him that you have done your bit and maybe it's better to readdress the balance between you both now that the DC are older? You have an opportunity here to get more freedoms. Yet this job he is considering will, effectively, reduce your freedoms.

I think if it's new to your relationship it could potentially put a strain on things but that's not for definite.
DH has gone between working jobs near home and working away for weeks on end since we got together 15 years ago. It's always been the way so it's the norm for us. He is currently working away 3 weeks on and a week back home, we just make sure we FaceTime every night and get plenty of family time/alone time when he's home for the week.
Only you two can decide if this will work for your family. I'd sit down together and write a list of pros and cons and have a discussion from there.

@Overgroundunderground

My DP is in the military and we don’t live near to the base. We live where our families are meaning that he’s away Monday-Friday and home at weekends.

When he is deployed, this could be anything from a few weeks to up to 6 months and sometimes with no contact whatsoever. I am used to it, and I get into my own routines when he’s away, so much so that when he is home for a longer time period it messes up my routines.
It works for us really well to be honest. We love each other very much, but we both are happy in our own company and we aren’t dependent on each other.
The spanner in the works currently is that we are expecting our first child and there are no plans for him to leave any time soon so things could change for us the at the moment we are very happy with the way things are.

another point to add is that when we met he was already in the military so it’s been like this since day 1. If 5 years down the line he then left to join I may feel differently.

I don’t think you should write off the idea completely. Can it be something you both try on a temporary basis - say 6 months - and if it doesn’t work then he should look for a job which does not involve working away.

Jesus. That is not going to end well.

if it puts food on the table then that's it,isn't it?

Wow, low standards for a relationship right there. ^^

Women are humans who are perfectly capable of "putting food on the table" ourselves, we don't need men for that. If a man wants to be in a relationship with a woman and have children then he needs to pull his weight as a member of the household and be present and do his share of parenting, otherwise he is a waste of space.

How do you think a lot of successful military marriages work?

Well, statistically speaking, a lot of them don't...

@Blossomtoes

Oh no if you say your DH is away for 6 months without contact then they aren't really in the military and he has another woman plus kids. Sick to death of hearing that on here

Ignore this nonsense @Overgroundunderground, there are enough military wives here to understand exactly what you meant.

The main breadwinner, be it man or woman, has to bear the brunt of these tough decisions. Not the other partner who effectively less responsibility in providing for the family. Let’s not pretend otherwise. It’s easy to demand from or influence the partner who is away, as long as the person doing the demanding makes up for the lost income.

Hahaha. What a load of poorly disguised misogynistic crap! Of course it's women in that position mostly. You know this so it's pointless and facile to pretend otherwiset.

That said I am one of the women who was always the main breadwinner by a long way. And still hate to put up with this kind of bullshit from my ex husband with his job apparently being totally inflexible and me having to plan ours live around him and his schhedule,

Nope. Head wobble time.

@StripyGiraffes

if it puts food on the table then that's it,isn't it?

Wow, low standards for a relationship right there. ^^

Women are humans who are perfectly capable of "putting food on the table" ourselves, we don't need men for that. If a man wants to be in a relationship with a woman and have children then he needs to pull his weight as a member of the household and be present and do his share of parenting, otherwise he is a waste of space.

Bit unfair!!! @StripyGiraffes

My Dh worked away all week purely to put a roof over our heads. Yes I worked full time, but I couldn’t make my management position salary cover our outgoings. He couldn’t find another job in his field. He retrained to find work and the only offer was a tramping position.
It was that or lose everything plus have a massive debt. And no, we couldn’t cut our costs - we were already down to eating potatoes that fell out of a lorry. No benefits/food banks to help.
Sometimes you just have to suck it up.

@StripyGiraffes

Some military relationships do work. It depends on the people. Me and DH have managed it for 15 years so far.

Hence why I put my earlier comment but some military wives seem to take offence which I didn't get?

Well, statistically speaking, a lot of them don't...

Same as any other kind of marriage, then!

@RevolvingPivot

I’m not offended by your comment.
Was it rude? Yes
Does it affect my life? No

If you are also a military wife then sure you must have some knowledge that there are jobs within the armed forces that mean contact at times is not always possible.

I think that there is a lot of emphasis on here on the person who is left behind at home and how it affects them but it’s also good to remember that the person who works away will be missing out on so much.

I couldn’t do my OH’s job for all the money in the world. He can be in basically a tin can for sometimes months on end, occasionally having to eat ration packs if food running out, having absolutely no contact with the outside world apart from the odd email here and there. Not seeing daylight. When he comes home from deployments (which I’m lucky in that it hasn’t been every year for us maybe every 2 years) he’s so gaunt and pale, it can’t be healthy for them.
At times I do resent having to be the one at home doing all housework, admin etc but at weekends or when he has leave, he will always do his fair share and more. But mostly I feel thankful that it’s not me who has to be in a submarine and that I still get my freedom to meet Friends and family, watch TV, go to the gym, go to a regular job where I come home at night.

I 100% agree with a PP who said it depends on the personalities whether it will work or not.

@StripyGiraffes

Why wouldn’t it end well?
Please enlighten me?

[quote Overgroundunderground]@RevolvingPivot

I’m not offended by your comment.
Was it rude? Yes
Does it affect my life? No

If you are also a military wife then sure you must have some knowledge that there are jobs within the armed forces that mean contact at times is not always possible.

I think that there is a lot of emphasis on here on the person who is left behind at home and how it affects them but it’s also good to remember that the person who works away will be missing out on so much.

I couldn’t do my OH’s job for all the money in the world. He can be in basically a tin can for sometimes months on end, occasionally having to eat ration packs if food running out, having absolutely no contact with the outside world apart from the odd email here and there. Not seeing daylight. When he comes home from deployments (which I’m lucky in that it hasn’t been every year for us maybe every 2 years) he’s so gaunt and pale, it can’t be healthy for them.
At times I do resent having to be the one at home doing all housework, admin etc but at weekends or when he has leave, he will always do his fair share and more. But mostly I feel thankful that it’s not me who has to be in a submarine and that I still get my freedom to meet Friends and family, watch TV, go to the gym, go to a regular job where I come home at night.

I 100% agree with a PP who said it depends on the personalities whether it will work or not.[/quote]
I think you took my comment the wrong way or maybe I didn't word it right.

What I meant was. Every time I talk about DH job on here and say I cannot contact him / haven't heard from him for weeks I'm then told he is cheating and had another family and of course he can contact me.

There is a post on here (under a different usernamename) where posters have asked me who will play DH in the movie and that he's really a cheating criminal.

Also I knew you weren't offended / bothered by my comment that was for the other user who told you to ignore me.

@RevolvingPivot

Apologies that I took it the wrong way.

I guess for people who’s OH have a ‘normal’ come home every night job, it can be difficult for them to imagine what it’s like.

And IRL I’m sure there are people I know who think the same and that I’m a mug but I know the truth. I trust him and he trusts me and that’s all that matters :)

A cheating criminal wow!

OP, do you have any desire to get back to work yourself? You spoke about looking forward to a better work-life balance - what does that mean, and would this new job preclude that?

If you have hopes and dreams, make sure they get the same consideration as the things your DH wants.

@LannieDuck

OP, do you have any desire to get back to work yourself? You spoke about looking forward to a better work-life balance - what does that mean, and would this new job preclude that?

If you have hopes and dreams, make sure they get the same consideration as the things your DH wants.

Yes and no. When I gave up my professional career to have the children, I sort of put my hopes and dreams on ice (aside from being a Mum, which was by far my biggest hope and dream). It's hard for me now to know what it is I want for myself.

I've been thinking about resurrecting my career, but it's easier said than done. I've been out of the loop for so many years now, I've lost a lot of confidence and no longer have many contacts in the field. I'm also not certain I would be able to get a position that could flex around family life sufficiently.

Mostly I've been a SAHM this last 13 years or so. I have been working self-employed/part time as a tutor for a few years, and am thinking it might be easier to ramp that up a bit - just to have more to do in the daytimes, slightly help the household income and still be around after school and in holidays; but so far the doors I have knocked at to work in schools or with homeschool families) have not opened.

When DH decided to change jobs, he said that I should look at what I want to do and he'll fit around it, but in the meantime he's steaming ahead with job applications and I'm still wondering where to even start.

He means well, but he doesn't think realistically and this is why I will always be default parent. In my heart I know that I can't get on with a high-flying career again. I'm not even sure I want to.

This is really about the impact on our marriage (and on his relationship with the children) rather than the effect on my career, although there is a link between the two, as I can see how resentment can grow where one partner has the ability to enjoy a fulfilling career and a social life, whilst the other is tied to the home and bored quite a lot of the time.

I mentioned to him last night that he needs to think about the impact on family life and his response was, "I'd be doing it to support family life", which is nonsensical to me.

I do wonder whether we've painted ourselves into a corner, whereby I feel trapped by my family/home responsibilities and he feels trapped by his money-earning responsibilities. If we could find a way to share it out, maybe we'd both feel happier, but it seems so hard and would require a massive change in outlook for both of us. My fear is that we'd start off sharing the earning and home-making but that his job would expand (they always do) until I ended up in the even worse situation of having to earn AND do all the parenting / home stuff.

Why does your DH want to change jobs?
Your children are in their early teens - how much looking after do they need? Also in a few years they should be capable of doing chores so your main issue would be availability to drive them everywhere?

You need to as a family figure out how to satisfy both your needs. Your DH’s job expands? Fine, then he uses the extra money to cover his share of the responsibilities. I’m assuming here that the changing jobs is for his benefit and not due to any major issue like a toxic workplace. And that his current job doesn’t leave you wanting financially.

Taking the ‘easy’ way is why so many women end up wasted as SAHM. Because they take a few years off and by that time the H has steamed on and earned a few promotions. So it ‘doesn’t make financial sense’ to go back to work. And the woman stays stuck at home.

HOWEVER that’s a short term view. Apart from the financial benefits etc obtained from working (like pensions) it does wonders for the self esteem etc if you are the sort of woman who enjoys working.

So talk about it. And don’t take the easy route.

@RevolvingPivot, I also took it the wrong way, which is why I said what did. Apologies for misinterpreting you.

This destroyed my MIL and FIL’s marriage. FIL worked away Monday-Friday leaving MIL to raise DH and SIL single handedly and he got to play weekend Dad role. She just resented him massively and eventually started having affairs. Not justifying her actions at all but I can sympathise with the resentment, I think most women would feel this way in those circumstances.

I wouldn’t be happy about this either OP, I honestly think it’s asking for trouble.