Not wanting DH to live away for work

[MisterMeaner]

DH (20 years married) is currently job hunting. He has found a job that will require him to live away from home for at least a couple of nights a week. I think that this is likely to expand into most of the week - effectively making him a weekend DH. We currently have a very close, loving relationship with two children in early teens. He's always worked long hours, occasionally needed to be away for a week now and then, but never been away from home overnight routinely.

I can think of four relationships off the top of my head where a couple lived separately for work purposes, and every one of them ended in the marriage failing or coming under massive stress. I can't think of an example of this arrangement where the marriage has thrived.

AIBU to think that this could be a really dangerous move, in terms of our relationship? I'd be interested to hear others' experiences.

I don't see what this has to do with it. Not everyone wants a marriage where they only see their partner at weekends - that doesn't mean those people are insecure in their relationships or that they don't trust their partners.

fine, but the point was that it's the reality for many couples living together but having long commutes.
and it was in response to this could be a really dangerous move, in terms of our relationship?

And my answer was no, either you have a secure relationship or you haven't.

Now not wanting not to spend every evening together is another matter, but again, context needed.
You can't compare someone who is desperate for a job, any job, someone who has been offered the opportunity of a lifetime, or someone who could find half a dozen similar roles at similar salary locally.

Either you are secure in your relationship, or you're not.

"I don't see what this has to do with it. Not everyone wants a marriage where they only see their partner at weekends - that doesn't mean those people are insecure in their relationships or that they don't trust their partners."

Exactly. Particularly if you have children and a job and commitments of your own. If this was always the situation and accepted prior to marriage that is different, but to change to this arrangement later can - in some circumstances - put unacceptable pressure on the partner who remains living at home and is often not what was signed up for. Unless both parties are 100% on board with it, it can easily corrode a relationship and cause resentment.

I would have a massive problem with this.

Even without the potential for affairs, it's the sudden inequality in the relationship. You're left at home with the kids and all the demands that comes with it. You resent husband living an exciting life in the city. He, in turn, resents you as you see more of the kids. The partner living away often gets used to a level of service from a hotel - and resents having to clean, cook, tidy etc when at home. It also means you're expected to make every weekend "special" so no chill time for you either.

DH has worked away on and off for years with periods in between of living together full time.
Sometimes in a different country and sometimes a few hours away.
I sometimes travel for work but short trips rather than e.g. a year-long project which he might do.

We've been living together full time since covid happened.
I'd be very happy if he didn't have to work away again but trips have been starting up.
However if he gets an opportunity and it means living apart again then so be it.

fine, but the point was that it's the reality for many couples living together but having long commutes. and it was in response to this could be a really dangerous move, in terms of our relationship?

And my answer was no, either you have a secure relationship or you haven't.

I know what you were saying, I just totally disagree with you lol.

I've done long-distance relationships and relationships where my partner has worked away and I didn't like it. That doesn't mean my relationship isn't secure - it's just not for me.

I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone career-driven who was out of the house 12-14 hours a day either, as that's also not for me and not what I want from a relationship. It's great that it works for some people, but I like being in a marriage where we're both home by 5pm 99% of the time.

So if DH suddenly decided he wanted to work away half the week, it would cause problems as that's not what we agreed we wanted when we got married.

I think it can work but both parties have to be on board.

If it was an only choice scenario to pay a morgage then it would would have to be borne.

But if it is a choice of an open ended commitment I would be unhappy about that.

OP, has he been looking long?
Handing over the hard week day parenting is a big load to carry.
He comes home to be fun dad whilst all the slog is done.

We did it for 2 years because my first two were loving school and I couldn't bear to pull them out.

But it was tough and I am a very organised person.
We were thrilled when husband told them he was not staying for the projects extension and was returning to his office. End of.

It's a dangerous decision for him to make without you on board.

Very reasonable to say I did not sign up for this, when it is not our only option.

I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone career-driven who was out of the house 12-14 hours a day either, as that's also not for me and not what I want from a relationship. It's great that it works for some people, but I like being in a marriage where we're both home by 5pm 99% of the time.

good if you have the luxury to have a short-hour well paid job
most of us don't.

If everyone I know is absolutely delighted to WFH and have their life back, it's because it was never a choice to be out of the house for 12 hours a day. It has nothing to do with being "career driven", everything to do with just paying the bills.

My dad did this and so did my late husband. For my parents there was zero choice and it was immedaitely post WW2 Having a weekend marriage must have been like a walk in the park after knowing your husband was at war.
My late DH and I had periods in our lives when he was either away regularly for one to 5 nights or away for months at a time but then home for long periods. For us it worked fine.
I get the "if you relationship is strong" thing but i would word it differently. I would say if your relationship can encompass it.....for me there are two issues. Some people need continued closeness and that's ok but the relationship is definitely be at risk of breaking down if that can't happen BUT if all that is keeping one or both partners from cheating is that continued closeness, then maybe that's not going to be an especially durable realtionship is it?
maybe the answer for the OP is to consider in detail why they are not happy with the idea instead of looking at others. I know a lot of broken marriages (acquaintances not friends) and none of them had the working away from home thing as a factor.

My partner is working away at the moment, it's a one off thankfully and I've realised I couldn't cope with it being a regular thing! We do have 6 young kids though all under 12 so bit different for me, but yeah I miss him and it's not easy.

@warmfluffytowels

fine, but the point was that it's the reality for many couples living together but having long commutes. and it was in response to this could be a really dangerous move, in terms of our relationship?

And my answer was no, either you have a secure relationship or you haven't.

I know what you were saying, I just totally disagree with you lol.

I've done long-distance relationships and relationships where my partner has worked away and I didn't like it. That doesn't mean my relationship isn't secure - it's just not for me.

I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone career-driven who was out of the house 12-14 hours a day either, as that's also not for me and not what I want from a relationship. It's great that it works for some people, but I like being in a marriage where we're both home by 5pm 99% of the time.

So if DH suddenly decided he wanted to work away half the week, it would cause problems as that's not what we agreed we wanted when we got married.

I don't see anywhere where anybody has said that they want to do this....and I would say that if you didn't like it, that says that the relationship wasn't secure, also the fact that I infer that you are no longer in the relationship?

good if you have the luxury to have a short-hour well paid job - most of us don't.

Neither do we. Neither of us are amazingly well-paid, but we've picked a lifestyle that means we don't have to work silly hours just to get by. I work 25-30 hours a week (self-employed, so it varies) and DH works on average 4.5 days a week (also self-employed). We live in an area that always comes up on the "worst places to live" threads. We bought a cheap fixer-upper house that still isn't fixed up. But we have a fantastic work-life balance and I don't remember the last time one of us finished work after 5pm.

If everyone I know is absolutely delighted to WFH and have their life back, it's because it was never a choice to be out of the house for 12 hours a day. It has nothing to do with being "career driven", everything to do with just paying the bills.

I do get your point to an extent, but many people also choose careers or jobs that mean they have long commutes and long hours out of the house, and that can only work long-term if both parties are on board in my opinion.

Equally, many people choose to live in expensive areas of the country because it means they're near friends or family - which is of course fine, but that comes with financial consequences that impact all areas of their lives. Others choose to live away from their families to have a better work/life balance and less financial stress.

I have read so many threads on here from people whose partners are out of the house 7-7 and they resent them hugely because they're not around to help with the school run, homework or bedtime. Or threads where both partners work long hours and they argue over free-time, childcare, hobbies.

It is totally okay to say "I didn't sign up to be in a marriage where you're never home". Some couples might be okay with it, but it's fine for others to say they're not.

My ex did this. It killed our marriage. And I thought we had a strong marriage before.

@babybopella

My partner is working away at the moment, it's a one off thankfully and I've realised I couldn't cope with it being a regular thing! We do have 6 young kids though all under 12 so bit different for me, but yeah I miss him and it's not easy.

well tbf 6 kids under 12 is pretty demanding 🌸

My h worked working away Tues-Thurs for many years and it worked ok tbh. He usually came home around the children's bedtime so during the week it wasn't massively different. He wasn't the type to go and play football or golf at the weekends so he was 100% available then.

Have you considered moving to where he'd be working ?

Equally, many people choose to live in expensive areas of the country because it means they're near friends or family

or simply.. because there are JOBS.
I don't know anyone who spent more than a couple of weeks without a job in London. It's a simple fact. It might not be the job of your dream, it might be something to do until you find better, but there's work.

When you don't have family support, where else in the country are you guaranteed employment like that?

But central london means ... having to live further.
So there. The idea of "choice" is laughable. Yes, you could chose to go on the dole or be unemployed for months. I don't call that a choice personally.

It's much less stressful to know you will always have a back up and you never going to be stuck!

OP you are not happy about him doing something that presumably needs to be done. Thanks hat are you doing to ease the situation and make up the difference in pay if he stays at home in a lower paying job?

It's true that we don't make choices in a vacuum.

So living in an expensive area might be beneficial in some ways (like you say, lots of jobs and family support) but you have to balance those benefits with the negative side which is often long hours, a long commute and a poor work/life balance.

Some people would rather trade some of their free time for job security and family support. Others would rather earn less money elsewhere and have more free-time to spend as a couple or a family.

Neither is better than the other - they're just different. I really don't like inference on here that you must have a better/more secure marriage if you're happy for your partner to work away through the week, though.

Different people are happy with different things. I don't want a lifestyle where I work 12-14 hours a day and have a stupidly long commute, even if that means I sacrifice some job security and family support.

People are completely missing the point here by rambling on about affairs. The point is the OP is suddenly finding herself doing the vast majority of the parenting of two children.

We did this working in different countries for about seven years, six months out of the year, and are still very happily married years later (no one shagged anyone else, our relationship was strong and close), but the key thing was that we didn't have a child at the time. In your case, you're getting dumped doing 90% of the parenting -- that's not OK.

My DH has always lived 5/6 hours away. He comes home most weekends. Sometimes he's away weeks or months at a time. It is crap but I'm used to it. Wasn't easy when the kids were young.

So far it's been this way 15 years.

My partner works away routinely, for 2/3/4 weeks at a time.
You quickly get used to it, and quickly get used to the freedom it brings you both.

Admittedly, there are hard points such as childcare and being lonely. But I also get excited and butterflies to see him, when I haven't had them in years! It works well for our family.

People are completely missing the point here by rambling on about affairs. The point is the OP is suddenly finding herself doing the vast majority of the parenting of two children.

the DH is "jobhunting"
does it mean he's unemployed, being made redundant, looking for a change?

The 2 children are teenagers, on one side they do need their parents a lot more than when they were little, but it also means they don't need to be babysat and have an adult supervising at all time.

Being away 2 nights a week (possibly 4) does not mean you no longer do any parenting, or 10% of it, don't be ridiculous.

aimss4777
‘ My DP works away and I'm giving birth to our first baby in a couple of weeks! He's home once a month for one weekend and it's tough’

@aimss4777 will this change once the baby is here? That is quite a tough set-up to manage with small children.

For the OP- I wouldn’t object to 1-2 nights if it was going to stay that way. I’ve had periods when my husband was back home at 10-11 at night and it would have probably been less disruptive if he’d just been in a hotel. I wouldn’t want a full working week though. It would limit my career options and would undoubtedly have an impact on relationship with the children and me.

Pre-kids DH worked in the US for two years. It wasn't easy but it was fine, we saw each other every few months, messaged a lot, video called etc.

Now we have two small children and there's no way I would consider it, I would resent him his freedom while I was at home doing all the grunt work. I know your DC are older but I'm sure there's still plenty of school runs, lunches to be made, laundry, dinners etc.

What would you as a family gain from it? It sounds like he's already in a good job. DH worked away as it increased his chances of getting the job he wanted at home. It worked and we have no regrets. But it was always for a fixed term with a specific goal in mind.

My ex did this with no consultation, it was the beginning of the end of our marriage. You are absolutely NBU.