Not wanting DH to live away for work

[MisterMeaner]

DH (20 years married) is currently job hunting. He has found a job that will require him to live away from home for at least a couple of nights a week. I think that this is likely to expand into most of the week - effectively making him a weekend DH. We currently have a very close, loving relationship with two children in early teens. He's always worked long hours, occasionally needed to be away for a week now and then, but never been away from home overnight routinely.

I can think of four relationships off the top of my head where a couple lived separately for work purposes, and every one of them ended in the marriage failing or coming under massive stress. I can't think of an example of this arrangement where the marriage has thrived.

AIBU to think that this could be a really dangerous move, in terms of our relationship? I'd be interested to hear others' experiences.

My Dh worked away most of the time Monday to Friday when our children were little, pre school age.
It worked well for us, we're still very close now and he's close to the children.
We not the kind of couple that need each other though and are both quite independent and value time to ourselves.

Well DS did it but in the oil industry so little temptation there they made it work. Six weeks away at a time. Friends did it once the kids needed school for a lifetime until he retired.

It's doable. Easier to get a job when you have one so it's a stepping stone perhaps

@pleasedonttextmyman

People are completely missing the point here by rambling on about affairs. The point is the OP is suddenly finding herself doing the vast majority of the parenting of two children.

the DH is "jobhunting"
does it mean he's unemployed, being made redundant, looking for a change?

The 2 children are teenagers, on one side they do need their parents a lot more than when they were little, but it also means they don't need to be babysat and have an adult supervising at all time.

Being away 2 nights a week (possibly 4) does not mean you no longer do any parenting, or 10% of it, don't be ridiculous.

I'm not being 'ridiculous'. I've seen the at home parent in this scenario become the default parent more times than I can count (I'm in a field with a lot of long-distance 'commuters' who stay over 2/3 nights midweek for work), purely because they're the ones who are always there to offer emotional support and do the actual hands-on parenting.

The OP says she thinks that the initial 'at least two' nights a week away is likely to expand to the point of making her DH a weekend-only parent. Not only will he not be on hand to do the 'emotional support/boundaries/friendships/relationships/help with schoolwork' side of parenting, he won't be there to help with housework, make dinner, do the laundry, do drop-offs and pick-ups and all the gruntwork of parenting. It has all the hallmarks of him becoming Periodic Disney Dad while the OP is stuck with the bulk of the day to day work of having two teenagers.

It's far from a 'ridiculous' concern.

For a defined, limited period, for a good reason? Sure.

My dad started working like this when I was 12 or so. He’s still doing it and I’m in my mid-30s…

My dad did this and my Dh. Tbh it wasn’t that bad. But you do have to be quite independent. Like everything, there are pros and cons and won’t be suitable for everyone. But a marriage break up is not inevitable, it can make things stronger.

OhtheVulgarity

Implying that you can only parent if you are at home with the kids 24/7 is not something that anyone will agree with.

It's one step away from telling women to stay home instead of working, because you can't be a decent mother if you work long hours , and god forbid you travel or are away a few nights a week!

Again, you have no idea of the circumstances.
Housework is a non-issue, get a cleaner.

Parenting and moral support, let's not pretend that if you are not around to pick up a teenager from school you can't provide that, it IS ridiculous.

Armed forces wife either they or divorce

@pleasedonttextmyman

OhtheVulgarity

Implying that you can only parent if you are at home with the kids 24/7 is not something that anyone will agree with.

It's one step away from telling women to stay home instead of working, because you can't be a decent mother if you work long hours , and god forbid you travel or are away a few nights a week!

Again, you have no idea of the circumstances.
Housework is a non-issue, get a cleaner.

Parenting and moral support, let's not pretend that if you are not around to pick up a teenager from school you can't provide that, it IS ridiculous.

You seem to be taking this awfully personally, @pleasedonttextmyman. I have never mentioned the sex of the 'away' parent, and I work FT myself, and have pre-Covid travelled for work, as does DH. I can't imagine a situation in which either of us would be a SAHP.

But, regardless of whether it's possible to be a fully 'present' parent at a distance, it's ridiculous to think that the bulk of the actual physical stuff of running a household in which there are dependent children the food shopping, cooking, laundry, lifts etc can be accomplished by a parent who is only there at weekends, or that they're not thereby handing the other, FT resident parent, a disproportionate load, whether or not they have a cleaner.

OhtheVulgarity

I am not taking anything personally, you keep quoting my name and bringing me back in the debate!

Again, (and I would do that with my own DH), I would want to know what the context is for a start. "job hunting" could mean anything. We know nothing of the current situation, the long term plan, the finances...

I do find it weird to be so obsessed with the running of the household and focus on that, as if it was a full time job.

My point is mainly that resenting your partner because they refuse for you to accept an opportunity is not great when you pretend to have such a close relationship.

We did it for 32 years, it worked for us and the pension pots certainly reflects that.

Military families do this as standard and while it’s not easy, many make it work. As your children are older it is a better time to do it than with toddlers. If it’s the only option then give it a go with a positive mindset.

@Bunnycat101 no it won't change at all but I've known this would be the case for the past 5 years. Won't be easy at all but I'm not overly worried! I'll get back to you in say 2 months tho eh

My father worked away when I was a kid. We never developed any sort of relationship as a result and are now very distant with each other.

My much younger brother (born when my father was semi retired and back home) has a great relationship with him.

That's kind of how threads work, in that you quote someone whose post you're responding to, @pleasedonttextmyman.

My point is mainly that resenting your partner because they refuse for you to accept an opportunity is not great when you pretend to have such a close relationship.

That's a perfectly valid point (though I'm not sure why you say the OP is 'pretending' to have 'such a close relationship'.) My point is that the working away partner needs to realise also that their work decision doesn't only impact them.

And maybe you don't work FT in a demanding job, or maybe you do and you don't have children, but I can assure you that 'running a household' while doing my job, being an adequate parent, and doing the other stuff that needs doing in my life is far easier when shared.

We not the kind of couple that need each other though and are both quite independent and value time to ourselves

You can be a couple who live quite independent lives and like alone time and still not want to be in a relationship which is spent 75%+ of the time living elsewhere.

My DP is in the military and we don’t live near to the base. We live where our families are meaning that he’s away Monday-Friday and home at weekends.

When he is deployed, this could be anything from a few weeks to up to 6 months and sometimes with no contact whatsoever. I am used to it, and I get into my own routines when he’s away, so much so that when he is home for a longer time period it messes up my routines.
It works for us really well to be honest. We love each other very much, but we both are happy in our own company and we aren’t dependent on each other.
The spanner in the works currently is that we are expecting our first child and there are no plans for him to leave any time soon so things could change for us the at the moment we are very happy with the way things are.

another point to add is that when we met he was already in the military so it’s been like this since day 1. If 5 years down the line he then left to join I may feel differently.

I don’t think you should write off the idea completely. Can it be something you both try on a temporary basis - say 6 months - and if it doesn’t work then he should look for a job which does not involve working away.

@pleasedonttextmyman

I don't see what this has to do with it. Not everyone wants a marriage where they only see their partner at weekends - that doesn't mean those people are insecure in their relationships or that they don't trust their partners.

fine, but the point was that it's the reality for many couples living together but having long commutes.
and it was in response to this could be a really dangerous move, in terms of our relationship?

And my answer was no, either you have a secure relationship or you haven't.

Now not wanting not to spend every evening together is another matter, but again, context needed.
You can't compare someone who is desperate for a job, any job, someone who has been offered the opportunity of a lifetime, or someone who could find half a dozen similar roles at similar salary locally.

That’s not true though - a ‘secure relationship’ is contingent on everyone having their needs met to a reasonable extent and external factors. It’s not an inherent binary characteristic. For example people might have a secure relationship that fits their worldview (partner home every night). This suddenly changes. Them not liking it and consequently ending the relationship doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t have been secure in the old paradigm.

It’s really dependent on the people involved. I know personally that I wouldn’t be happy unless there was a darned good reason (think 6 figure salary) or long term unemployment. I’ve chosen however to live in an area where there’s lots of opportunity and date someone who can work remote/anywhere so this situation isn’t really going to come up.

Sorry I meant if this situation comes up there will be options

@Overgroundunderground

My DP is in the military and we don’t live near to the base. We live where our families are meaning that he’s away Monday-Friday and home at weekends.

When he is deployed, this could be anything from a few weeks to up to 6 months and sometimes with no contact whatsoever. I am used to it, and I get into my own routines when he’s away, so much so that when he is home for a longer time period it messes up my routines.
It works for us really well to be honest. We love each other very much, but we both are happy in our own company and we aren’t dependent on each other.
The spanner in the works currently is that we are expecting our first child and there are no plans for him to leave any time soon so things could change for us the at the moment we are very happy with the way things are.

another point to add is that when we met he was already in the military so it’s been like this since day 1. If 5 years down the line he then left to join I may feel differently.

I don’t think you should write off the idea completely. Can it be something you both try on a temporary basis - say 6 months - and if it doesn’t work then he should look for a job which does not involve working away.

Oh no if you say your DH is away for 6 months without contact then they aren't really in the military and he has another woman plus kids. Sick to death of hearing that on here.

Mine did this, more days pw actually, for just over 10 years. It wasn't great tbh. It was a situation we created ourselves but was supposed to be short term while we relocated. He missed a very great deal of the girls growing up and they were left with a grudgey feeling that he wasn't there for them as was I ( because he literally wasn't) So although all couples are different and there are some for whom it can work, using my test of 'what would I advise my children' I personally would strongly advise against.
Best of luck.

You can think of a few relationships that fell apart,for whatever reason, my fil went to work Monday morning &came home Friday this went on 20yrs married 40yrs,only you can decide if trust comes in to the equation,if it puts food on the table then that's it,isn't it

My dh works away mon-fri it's been the making of us. In the last 2 years (been together 10) our relationship is so much stronger, we make special time for each other, every aspect of our relationship is amazing

We lived apart Monday to Friday for 11 years of our 21 year marriage. It’s astonishing how quickly you get used to it. The hardest part for us was adjusting to living in the same house full time again. Like most things, it works if you want it to.

My husband's work required him to stay away, not an entire week. It was OK from my point of view but he hated it because he was a home body. However the work was good and I gave him encouragement. If I had time off he always wanted me to join him for a day or two which I did occasionally but you can't do that if you have children at school. It was also a bit boring finding things to do while he was working, but pleasant in the evenings, going out to eat etc, meeting his colleagues.

Op it is manageable but please try to ensure he isn't away more than two or three nights a week.

My husband and I lived apart for 7yrs, and then when we did live together, he was away a lot. How do you think a lot of successful military marriages work? Personally I dont think this is the death knell you seem to presume it is.