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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take contraception

461 replies

GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 08:49

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

OP posts:
BrimFullOfAsher · 20/07/2021 13:54

I'm not sure how he can convincingly say he is against having another baby, yet refuse to take steps to prevent it 🤷‍♂️

Carrotca · 20/07/2021 13:57

I'm with you. Men take some fucking responsibility. Why is it always women that have to put shit in their bodies. Bodies that are all over the place anyway from growing and birthing a child. X

PumpkinsOfFire · 20/07/2021 14:07

@hamsterchump

I will just add that despite being dead against hormonal contraception for myself and totally happy with condoms as I said I wouldn't be asking or encouraging my OH to have a vasectomy after reading about the risk of Post Vasectomy Pain Syndrome. The risk of which is said to be 10% and the only treatment available castration! Condoms are non invasive, don't ruin the mood once you've got used to them at all, can add to pleasure for the woman at least. If anyone is finding them uncomfortable I suggest adding lube and trying different ones, you can even add a drop of lube inside the condom for his pleasure. Can't believe the handmaids on here, bleurgh get some self respect.
What's more, almost one-quarter women still report painful sex 18 months after childbirth, the Australian researchers found.

Not to mention incontinence. The most terrible thing that can happen to anyone's bits is giving birth. If men are quite happy to risk their female partner's vagina, I'm more than happy to risk their balls.

Oulidae · 20/07/2021 14:08

Give female condoms a go if your partner doesn't like conventional condoms, they feel far better imo

PumpkinsOfFire · 20/07/2021 14:11

The vast majority of men can orgasm with a condom on. So they're choosing to cause physical, medical alteration to their partner so they can continue to have even BETTER orgasms.

Now considering the orgasm gap between men and women, why the fuck would anyone really think that's something any woman should do?

PumpkinsOfFire · 20/07/2021 14:14

@vivainsomnia

Anyone saying that you are being unreasonable is another example of why women are treated as second class citizens and only men are important No it really doesn't. Nobody has said that OP is solely responsible. The debate is whether he is solely responsible or whether OP also has a part of responsibility. You are jumping to conclusions pointlessly.

OP has done a fair amount of contracepting and pregnancy and it’s time to reverse the tables.
Who decides that the tables should be reversed. OP on her own? Because her voice matters more, even though it impacts on both. Does she gets to decide on this whatever his view, and in this case, does it mean that he too gets to decide on some other matters even if OP doesn't agree. What kind of marriage is that? One that doesn't last long!

Peeing on an ovulation stick which takes a few minutes is really not hardship, no more than getting undressed and getting on with the deed!

Who decides the tables should be turned?

The one who doesn't want their body altered. It's so easy. Imagine it was a man saying it if it makes it easier

I can't decide if it's more horrible if you're a woman or a man. The self loathing of a woman with so little respect for female autonomy or a man with so little regard for female consent.

HaveringWavering · 20/07/2021 14:18

@GreatBigArse

You don't want to use any contraception seemingly and your DH doesn't want a baby

Well this is my point. Why is it down to me to want to use any contraception. If my husband doesn't want a baby he can refuse sex or use condoms if he doesn't want the snip.

I have said multiple times I wouldn't mind another baby if it happened, I'm not hiding that.

While I do broadly agree with you, are you not taking it a bit too far when you suggest that one of his options is to refuse sex? Not because of how that would affect him, but because then you’d be in a sexless marriage and that would not be very nice for you. You’ve said a few times that this issue is not driving a wedge between you or affecting your relationship, but to include “not having sex” as one of the options suggests that you actually don’t feel all that close to him, or you are somehow angry with him. Do you really see it as a viable option?
AngeloMysterioso · 20/07/2021 14:29

YANBU, the days of me putting a contraption or synthetic hormones into my body just to make life easier for a man are over!

hamsterchump · 20/07/2021 14:34

@PumpkinsOfFire I think we're at cross purposes here. This isn't a zero sum game, if my partner gets post vasectomy pain syndrome then that'll affect me too because I love him (him not being even a hint of an arse about condoms really helps tbh). 10% is too high of a risk for me, if he still really wanted one that would be up to him of course but I would argue against it as we're s happy with condoms it wouldn't be worth upsetting the applecart for practically zero benefit. I'm childfree by choice partly because I don't want to take the great risk of damaging myself in pregnancy or birth so we are on the same page there!

randomlyLostInWales · 20/07/2021 14:37

@SmokeyDevil

I'm sorry, but we are talking about a grown up, adult man here right? Not a teenager? A grown adult man who has children and understands where they come from? How stupid are all of your husbands if you feel you have to sit them down and explain this shit to them? Hmm Should you really be having kids with someone so dumb really?

He's been told she isn't taking contraceptive. He knows his options. He won't use them. It's all on him if they have another baby. Far as I'm concerned, he's accepted that risk. His problem.

Because adults in relationship should be able to communicate.

Her DP seem to be employing magical wishful thinking a baby won't happen - but OP seem to be doing the same oh he'll be fine with another pg and baby really.

If OP gets pg it isn't risk free to her - she's clearly okay with the pg risk it's less clear if she happy with him decided it's all her fault and the relationship imploding leaving her possibly a single mother with two young kids.

Personally I like to be on the same page as my DH as much as possible - at minute if pg happens despite us using condoms and for 12 years we've been fine - we both know the risks and the choices we'd face -neither of us is sticking our heads in the sand expecting everything to magically work out.

I'd have though a conversation making sure he was as much as possible on board if another pg occurs would be the way forward rather than assuming it will all be fine - I mean in our society it's not excatly hard for men to walk away from their kids with little impact to them.

HaveringWavering · 20/07/2021 14:40

Out of interest, if you were to have another child, do you think he’d agree to the snip after that? Or would you consider having your tubes tied?

Jangle33 · 20/07/2021 14:40

I am exactly the same as you OP. My DH uses condoms. Absolutely no issue from him whatsoever. He will get the snip post covid I suspect. You are being entirely reasonable.

DixonD · 20/07/2021 14:43

KirstenBlest
Get a diaphragm. It's no more invasive than using tampons.
No. I don't want one.

Of course you don’t. You want a baby. Which is really what all this is about.

TabithaTap · 20/07/2021 14:45

How can

TabithaTap · 20/07/2021 14:46

How can a diaphragm be no more invasive than tampons? That makes no anatomical sense.

BiscuitLover09876 · 20/07/2021 14:52

Any man who just full out says he hates condoms is just being a dick. Hmm it's not like they cause him pain or anything. Hormonal contraception is a big thing to expect a woman to go through.

You shouldn't have to flex on that.

JungleBeats · 20/07/2021 14:53

Opps yes, forgot the mini pill contains progestogen! In my defence I went through the menopause 10 years ago and DH had the snip 20 years ago!

Sorry OP!

justasking111 · 20/07/2021 14:53

@TabithaTap

How can a diaphragm be no more invasive than tampons? That makes no anatomical sense.
Having used both I preferred the diaphragm comfort wise
BiscuitLover09876 · 20/07/2021 14:53

@AngeloMysterioso

YANBU, the days of me putting a contraption or synthetic hormones into my body just to make life easier for a man are over!
Exactly! And yet he won't wear a bloody condom 😂 because it doesn't feel 'as good'. it's ridiculous!
BiscuitLover09876 · 20/07/2021 14:54

@JungleBeats

Opps yes, forgot the mini pill contains progestogen! In my defence I went through the menopause 10 years ago and DH had the snip 20 years ago!

Sorry OP!

I hated the mini pill Angry
BiscuitLover09876 · 20/07/2021 14:55

@PumpkinsOfFire

The vast majority of men can orgasm with a condom on. So they're choosing to cause physical, medical alteration to their partner so they can continue to have even BETTER orgasms.

Now considering the orgasm gap between men and women, why the fuck would anyone really think that's something any woman should do?

I know. It's pathetic.
PrincessNutella · 20/07/2021 14:57

You are absolutely right to say contraception is on him. But maybe spell it out. Put it on a post it. Get it in writing. If he doesn't want to have another child, he needs to get the snip or wear condoms. End. of. He'd need to do it for someone else, he needs to do it for you.

DixonD · 20/07/2021 15:02

@CurbsideProphet

I had a terrible experience with 2 coils. I appreciate many women don't have any issues at all, but I could never recommend them after what I went through. Meanwhile a vasectomy is a day case treatment.
Which causes long term chronic issues for 1 in 10 men.

No way would I ask my husband to have it done.

OP, there is a family planning board here. It’s very informative.

ILoveYouILoveYouIDo · 20/07/2021 15:02

@GreatBigArse I've had this conversation with my husband years ago. He refused to get the snip. He also doesn't want another child (we have two) and we have been using the pull out method ever since (3 years)and no pregnancies. If it did happen, we'd keep the baby & be happy.

SupremeDreamz · 20/07/2021 15:05

@vivainsomnia *Ideally the husband would have offered.

No ideally they discuss things together and reach a compromise. He is not more under duty to do what makes OP happy at his detriment than she is.

What is so wrong with talking things through? *

I never said there is anything wrong with talking things through. That's quite a tangent. Him offering would be part of the discussion.

I'm saying that if a woman who has been on hormonal contraceptives and had a bad time of it and doesn't want invasive or surgical procedures to avoid pregnancy then a decent bloke would suggest condoms on his own initiative.

Also, every single male orgasm doesn't have to occur while wearing a condom does it?

Peeing on an ovulation stick which takes a few minutes is really not hardship

Neither is wearing a condom when you want to ejaculate while your penis is inside a woman's vagina.

"His detriment", oh dear.