To refuse to take contraception

[GreatBigArse]

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

oh my goodness, some of these answers!!

I do think some women don't quite understand how badly others feel on contraception or the implications of things like sterilisation, just remember when you're saying it's not happened to you, or that it's rare, it does happen to other people. The person mentioning the diaphragm, you're assuming OP is fine with tampons, my friend no longer can use tampons after the horrendous birth of her second child. My other friend hates them so doesn't. Even down to sterilisation, I know of multiple people who really really suffer with their periods since being sterilised who didn't suffer before. Why should OP have to take that risk just because her DP has been brought up to believe that it's the woman who needs to sort it. Sadly, things like the pill were meant to give women control over their bodies, but instead has made them yet again the person who deals with the pain/inconvenience men would never put up with.

I came off all contraception about 4 years ago - I was fed up of how it made my body (all of them impacted me in a different way, at one point my doctor suggested I have the pill, the implant and the coil, that's when I lost my shit).

My husband was totally against any more children, so he got the snip. Bish. Bash. Bosh. My hormones are settled and he's not stressing about anymore children. Teamwork innit. You've done your time managing it all, now it's time for him to do his.

You are 100000% within your rights. I would consider natural cycles or similar, but you should never feel obliged to take any form of contraception which makes you uncomfortable.

I can’t believe some women on here are telling the OP, to take contraceptives, so that she can be her husbands personal spunk bucket as he won’t be able to orgasm properly with a condom on

Well you've been more than fair. Of course you shouldn't take hormonal contraception if you don't want to. You've forewarned your DH that if you become pregnant you may want to keep it.

The only problem I can see is that if you do get pregnant he may develop convenient amnesia and deny that you said you would want to keep it. I would ask him how he sees things playing out if you get pregnant. Maybe be more explicit. "If I get pregnant, we will be having a third child." If that doesn't send him running to Boots, maybe he's not that opposed to having another one.

But OP's stance that she's not going to use any contraception only works so long as she wants another baby. The minute that she does not want to become pregnant, she has a problem.

Well not really because she can get an abortion if she wants one. I'm guessing that if she really didn't want a baby she'd be trying another form of contraception.

@Soubriquet

I can’t believe some women on here are telling the OP, to take contraceptives, so that she can be her husbands personal spunk bucket as he won’t be able to orgasm properly with a condom on

Oh you've put this better than my angry ramble. Thank you!

It's 100% your choice what you put into your body - so YANBU

But I do think you should work together on this, as it really seems like neither of you are willing to agree a sensible game plan... you wont track your periods, he refuses to wear a condom. It's really easy to just track your periods in your calendar or both pitch in to buy ovulation kits, put on a condom, so you can make sensible decisions together about whether you're having sex that night.

I dont see how your marriage is going to survive if you're not on the same page here. Sex isnt everything but I do think it's important to have a healthy sexual relationship together... which includes family planning/prevention and working together. I dont see how it can be healthy if you're both arguing about what you want and what you're willing to do.

I think you are absolutely reasonable to refuse to take hormone or any other kind of contraception. I think it is madness to continue PIV sex with someone who does not want more children. I'd be looking for other means to orgasm.

There are lots of threads on MN where the mother ends up the default parent, doing all the hard work and often paying the financial as well as physical costs of children. Maybe this situation where OP knows her partner does but want more children but just can't see him ever resenting his child.

YANBU

You are both adults, you both know the risks.

Some of the comments on this thread though are totally off the wall.

I will just add that despite being dead against hormonal contraception for myself and totally happy with condoms as I said I wouldn't be asking or encouraging my OH to have a vasectomy after reading about the risk of Post Vasectomy Pain Syndrome. The risk of which is said to be 10% and the only treatment available castration! Condoms are non invasive, don't ruin the mood once you've got used to them at all, can add to pleasure for the woman at least. If anyone is finding them uncomfortable I suggest adding lube and trying different ones, you can even add a drop of lube inside the condom for his pleasure. Can't believe the handmaids on here, bleurgh get some self respect.

Do you use tampons @GreatBigArse??

Condoms also magic away the unattractive, unsexy, often functionally impotent, mysoginistic men I find. Simply take one out and they disappear, seriously tell your daughters!

Anyone saying that you are being unreasonable is another example of why women are treated as second class citizens and only men are important
No it really doesn't. Nobody has said that OP is solely responsible. The debate is whether he is solely responsible or whether OP also has a part of responsibility. You are jumping to conclusions pointlessly.

OP has done a fair amount of contracepting and pregnancy and it’s time to reverse the tables.
Who decides that the tables should be reversed. OP on her own? Because her voice matters more, even though it impacts on both. Does she gets to decide on this whatever his view, and in this case, does it mean that he too gets to decide on some other matters even if OP doesn't agree. What kind of marriage is that? One that doesn't last long!

Peeing on an ovulation stick which takes a few minutes is really not hardship, no more than getting undressed and getting on with the deed!

Teamwork innit Certainly is when you both agree. Not so good when you are my colleague, who got the snip because he really didn't want to have a 4th child with his wife, who wasn't comfortable with it at all but when she said it's that or no sex (she didn't want condom), he felt he was left with little choice. She left him two years later for another guy, got pregnant and had two more kids. He met someone too, who he adores, who didn't have children and desperately wants one, so they now have to go through IVF. He said getting the snip was the worse mistake of his life.

So yes, this works great for many, it doesn't for others.

@vivainsomnia Who decides that the tables should be reversed. OP on her own?

Ideally the husband would have offered.

Are you ok with being a single parent if he leaves?

@justasking111

Do you use tampons *@GreatBigArse*??

And? So what if she does

She has the right to use tampons if she so wishes and NOT use a diaphragm or a femidom if she doesn’t.

The great meaning of bodily autonomy.

They are not your only two options.

Absolutely fine for you to refuse to use hormonal/invasive contraception as it is for him to revise condoms/the snip.

It’s your shoes though I think it would be irresponsible to have sex without contraception given his stance on having another baby.

I'm all for womens rights and us being completely able to decide what we do and dont do with our bodies, I also dont agree that it should always be down to the women to sort out.

what I am really, really against in this particular thread is how clear it is that the OP wants another baby whilst her husband does not. what a ridiculous scenario to consider bringing another child into and very unfair too.

and yes it should be 50/50 in an ideal world but considering neither partner in this relationship is willing to back down or do anything about the likely outcome of continuing to engage in penetrative sex (or willing to stop having sex until they get it together either) I suppose another innocent child will be born where a father doesnt want them and the mum is on here in a few years moaning that he is useless.

Yanbu in the sense that on paper ypu are right.

But the reality is if you do get pregnant it could tear your family apart and ruin your family for both children for what?

Deep down i think youd like another child and need to address that.

Od also tell your DH that you dont give your permission to be irresponsible and its no sex, condom or vasectomy.

Well if sex is something you're happy to do without then crack on. If he's using the pullout method will he blame you if a pregnancy occurred

So long as your husband fully understands and accepts that it is virtually inevitable that you will get pregnant using the methods he is currently using, I'd say just carry on.

Ideally the husband would have offered
No ideally they discuss things together and reach a compromise. He is not more under duty to do what makes OP happy at his detriment than she is.

What is so wrong with talking things through? I really don't get how people can have the most intimate sex life, raise children together, but when it comes to discussing difficult matters where both are on a different page, this becomes mission impossible and the only solution is for one to do as the other says and wants.

If he's using the pullout method will he blame you if a pregnancy occurred
This is exactly what should be discussed.

And if you do end up pregnant theres a good chance youll be solo and having to share weekends etc. Not worth it when you can just refuse sex.