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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take contraception

461 replies

GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 08:49

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

OP posts:
Palavah · 20/07/2021 15:05

@fairgame84

You've been totally upfront with him so YANBU. Can you get a cycle tracking app to pinpoint ovulation etc? I think since he's asked about when it's safe in your cycle it would be fair to get an app to show him or help him out.

As for the copper coil, I had it and it was fine. Gave me an odd smell just before AF but otherwise no issues and I'll probably have it again once we've had a baby.

Nope. If her husband wants to time it he should have a proper conversation with OP about using that method, not ask mid-coitus and expect OP to do the legwork.
WeatherForecast · 20/07/2021 15:07

What's more, almost one-quarter women still report painful sex 18 months after childbirth, the Australian researchers found.

Not to mention incontinence. The most terrible thing that can happen to anyone's bits is giving birth. If men are quite happy to risk their female partner's vagina, I'm more than happy to risk their balls.

Yet we're constantly sold the myth that if you have a vaginal birth you'll 'bounce right back', that vaginas don't change shape or size after childbirth, that your genitals will look the same, that anyone suggesting you might be less 'tight' afterwards is misinformed.

We really do women a disservice. Why is it such a massive taboo to admit that actually, pushing a human being out of your vagina might permanently alter it?

Horst · 20/07/2021 15:08

Women “ I no longer want to use contraception”

Other women “ but have you tried??” “But you use tampons don’t you?” “You just want a baby?”

Wtf happened to my body my choice.

If her husband wants PIV sex he can sort the contraception it’s really that easy. We are not just here for men to empty themselves into ffs.

vivainsomnia · 20/07/2021 15:11

The one who doesn't want their body altered. It's so easy. Imagine it was a man saying it if it makes it easier
There are been options suggested that wouldn't alter OP's body. OP is not coming back to thank us for the suggestions because ultimately, what OP would like it no method so she could get pregnant and her OH would just accept it and realise that he really does want a child. OP has said so herself.

We have no idea why he isn't keen on condoms. It might be that he wants the ultimate orgasm every time, or it might be that he does fall in the small number of men who can't get one at all with them. It's easy though to assume the former to suit the agenda that men should just do as the women decide because that's their right no matter what.

vivainsomnia · 20/07/2021 15:16

I'm saying that if a woman who has been on hormonal contraceptives and had a bad time of it and doesn't want invasive or surgical procedures to avoid pregnancy then a decent bloke would suggest condoms on his own initiative
And why can't she suggests the female condom, or using ovulation kits. Yes, he could offer, yes, she could to. discussions are two way streets.

Neither is wearing a condom when you want to ejaculate while your penis is inside a woman's vagina
Yet you have no idea his reasons for not wanting to wear them. It's ok though, let's just assume that he is a selfish bastard because that's MN and men are generally bastard whilst women get to shout their rights and entitlements.

If OP really didn't want to get pregnant, I bet they would have come up with a solution agreeable to both by now.

vivainsomnia · 20/07/2021 15:18

Wtf happened to my body my choice
Indeed, what has happened to it. OP shouldn't be expected to do something she is not comfortable with, but nor does it. His body, his choice, if he doesn't tolerate or like a condom, his choice. If he doesn't want a vasectomy, his choice.

So that leaves them with no sex, and whatever consequences come with a sexless marriage.

hamsterchump · 20/07/2021 15:18

How are condoms supposed to make men's orgasms worse? Surely at worst all they can do is delay it which might benefit some. This sounds like another blue balls style myth to me. Funny how it's always the men who've never had to use condoms due to their doormat partners putting up with all sorts so as to not upset the poor menz who've always got a huge problem with them. Sounds like an excuse they use cover their burgeoning impotence and manipulate their partners to me. Ew Ew Ew.

hamsterchump · 20/07/2021 15:23

I pity loads of you here with your crybaby OHs, no wonder you've found condoms uncomfortable in the past, you must be dryer than the Sahara when him indoors fancies a bit with these attitudes. If you can't keep it hard for the seconds it takes me to grab a condom Barry then get it sorted or I'll find someone who can.

SupremeDreamz · 20/07/2021 15:23

@vivainsomnia Have you heard of oral sex?

Horst · 20/07/2021 15:28

And yet your assuming the ops would soon find a contraception if she wasn’t ok with having a baby. She genuinely doesn’t get on hormonal birth control and doesn’t wish to use a diaphragm.

Just like I will use a tampon but a moon cup grossed me out. Both go inside but one I will do one I won’t because you know my choice.

Yet again it’s all the women’s fault and it’s her responsibility to control so a man can ejaculate freely because we are just sperm receptacles clearly.

Poor men’s having to look after their own sperm.

TeenTitan007 · 20/07/2021 15:37

I would discuss baby names with your DH whenever he's in the 'mood' - just to drive home the point that there could be a baby as a result of what happens in the next hour. Might drive home the point to him.

I totally agree - do not put anything into your body that you do not wish to, including the said organ which could give you a baby.

Magenta82 · 20/07/2021 15:38

All the people suggesting diaphragms as if they are in anyway useful probably haven't used them long term. They only work if you don't have very much sex. I had one because I don't get on with hormones and had an awful experience with a copper coil.

I'd put it in before going to bed, have sex then go to sleep. In the morning I would have to faff about with jelly, it's impossible to get pesseries these days, so all spontaneity and sleepy morning sex was ruined. Then it has to stay in for at least 6 hours meaning I'd have to remove and clean it at work, then repeat the whole thing that evening. It was in more than it was out and was a major hassle.

Plus they can lead to UTIs

MissChanandlerBong22 · 20/07/2021 15:39

Come on OP, don’t be so selfish. You must have got the memo about being a semen receptacle, surely? Why wouldn’t you take the risk of blood clots and infection for the sake of a man’s sexual pleasure?

(I know the considerably lower risk of blood clots associated with a vaccine halted the roll-out of that vaccine to under-40s, but that’s different, ok? We’re talking about a man’s penis here - it’s important.)

Nsky · 20/07/2021 15:40

Just to add, not all women after sterilisation get bad periods, accupunture can help, no issues, good choice for me

maddiemookins16mum · 20/07/2021 15:42

If you both want to have sex, you are both responsible for contraception. No ifs or buts.

Meme69 · 20/07/2021 15:44

This is the exact place my DP and I are in. He doesn't really want another child, I am ambivalent and after years of problems with hormonal contraceptives I refuse to take them anymore. We have discussed it and have both accepted the risk, as he refuses to get the snip and hates condoms. To be fair I'm getting on a bit and so it's unlikely I will get of but if I do we both knew the risks and will deal with it. He also knows I would not have a termination

TeenTitan007 · 20/07/2021 15:45

Also the coil comes with its own grief. The copper coil causes heavy periods - even if you were to accept the risks of having the coil. Why should you accept all this - when in comparison he's refusing to use condoms? Unbelievable.

vivainsomnia · 20/07/2021 15:46

This sounds like another blue balls style myth to me
Of course it is. I mean why would a man who doesn't want a child, has a mean for full or almost full control of it, claim that he doesn't like condoms for no reasons! That doesn't make much sense. The fact that you don't understand it (nor do I) mean that it isn't real to them.

Have you heard of oral sex?
No never, what's that HmmConfused

I'm sure if this was an option both OP and her OH were happy with, there would have been no need for this thread!

vivainsomnia · 20/07/2021 15:55

Yet again it’s all the women’s fault and it’s her responsibility to control so a man can ejaculate freely because we are just sperm receptacles clearly
It's no-one's fault. It's posters here who are determine to make it someone's fault. It's a joint decision, something to agree together, compromise to be made. It's not about him pleasing himself as he pleases, nor OP pretending there are no safer methods that don't involve hormones.

The animosity that is fired up here is so incredibly sad. I couldn't imagine referring to my OH and his sexuality the way some posters are here. So derogatory and dismissive, I do feel sorry for these men.

vivainsomnia · 20/07/2021 15:57

Just to add, not all women after sterilisation get bad periods, accupunture can help, no issues, good choice for me
Why mentioning sterilisation when OP actually would like another child? That makes no sense at all.

SupremeDreamz · 20/07/2021 16:09

@vivainsomnia You're conflating responses to the OP's specific situation with responses to statements you have made about relationships in general.

Musmerian · 20/07/2021 16:12

Pretty much all contraceptives offered to women, with the exception of the cap, have potentially serious side eve and mess with your hormones. Have you considered a cap? Or if you track your cycle carefully that can be pretty accurate- that’s what I did after my third as was very clear I wasn’t having anything invasive. You need to be on the same side here though and it sounds as though your communication isn’t great. I wouldn’t have wanted my OH to have a vasectomy either. On a side note woman I work with git pregnant with her fourth after her DH had a vasectomy. She didn’t realise until she was 5 months and was pretty pissed off!

TheViewFromTheCheapSeats · 20/07/2021 16:13

We did this for many years, though neither of us were against more of it happened and just decided to embrace it if it happened.

5 (very loved and affordable) kids

Original poster
GreatBigArse · 20/07/2021 16:13

@Nsky

Just to add, not all women after sterilisation get bad periods, accupunture can help, no issues, good choice for me
Why are you talking about female sterilisation?
OP posts:
cptartapp · 20/07/2021 16:18

Men are always far less bothered about taking risks because they're not left with the DC if the relationship subsequently fails.
If you are then crack on. He's making a conscious choice and would have, financially at least, to live with the consequences if it didn't pay off.