To refuse to take contraception

[GreatBigArse]

Curious to hear what others think following a conversation with my friend.

I'll try to keep it short.

Myself and DH have one child, DS. DH is adamant he wants no more children. I am actually okay with this although I wouldn't mind another if it happened. I feel very much if it doesn't happen that's fine, if he changed his mind that would also be nice but I wouldn't push it.

After a really horrible experience with both the implant and depo injection I have said I am not taking hormonal contraception again. I feel so much happier and myself without it and I will not be putting anything like that in my body ever again. I was considering the copper coil but someone I know recently got an infection due to it and it's really put me off.

I have told DH this, I've told him I'm no longer going to be the one to bother with all of that. I've not given him other options but as a grown up I'm sure he knows what his options are (no sex, condoms, which he hates, or the snip which he also doesn't want). I also mentioned that if anything did happen he should know I wouldn't be considering a termination.

It sounds very matter of fact written down but this is all just in general conversation with my husband.

He has continued to instigate and have sex (occasionally using the "pull out" method or asking me if I think its a "safe" time in my cycle to which I always answer I don't know).

My friend thinks I am being irresponsible allowing this to go on with someone who I know really doesn't want another child and whilst my husband should also be responsible, I am risking bringing an unwanted child into the world which is unfair and therefore I should also take some responsibility as regardless of want DH does, I know he doesn't want another child and I'm continuing to have unprotected sex with him.

AIBU to think I am within my rights to refuse to use contraception (other than condoms if DH instigates them) and so long as I have explained that to my husband, it's fine to carry on as we are? Or do you think I have some responsibility here knowing that he doesn't want another child and I should take contraception I don't want to take?

Ps. I know it sounds a very odd conversation to have with a friend but we often talk about more serious things like this and have various debates about things. She's a bit like my sister and we've been friends for a very long time.

YANBU - it's fine to not use contraception all long as you have told DH and he knows the situation.

YABU - you shouldn't have sex with DH unprotected even if you've told him and should take contraception yourself.

@Naunet

It comes down to him hating condoms vs you not wanting to try the copper just because of one account of a rare event

Well condoms are non invasive and completely safe, so he can stop being selfish and use them, can’t he?

This.

Or don't piss in cups daily and get him to wear a condom
Yeah! He can't get you to use hormones, but you should definitely have the right to get him to wear condoms.... Some women here really only see men as muppets...

The situation is simple and both of you are irresponsible. He is irresponsible if he refuses to wear condom as he is risking creating a child he doesn't want, impacting on everyone.

You are irresponsible by not ensuring you don't get pregnant by risking to give birth to a child who might not be wanted by their father.

Or you can act like adults, discuss the matter, accept that there is no perfect solution but compromises, that you pee on a stick at times and he wear a condom when you are not in a perfectly safe stage of your cycle. Is it really so hard to make that compromise?

Get sterilised, sorted

@GreatBigArse

For the PP who keeps insisting I was happy to do it when it suited... No. I have NEVER BEEN HAPPY to take contraceptives. They played havoc with my emotions and moods for years. I bled a lot and then on top of that the GP refused to remove my implant for months despite me begging. I have tried things, this is not a refusal to try things at all, I have been on the pill, the mini pill too, I've had the implant, I've had the injection and all of them were horrid. This is a refusal to carry on trying things over and over again because I've been doing that for years and I've had enough.

As I said previously I did this automatically when I was younger as it just seemed like the done thing, you're a woman so you take the contraception. I didn't do it "happily". It's only been since being off them that I've stopped and thought that I don't have to go through that shit anymore and I've got the confidence to say that I won't do it again.

I'm not going to put something inside myself so that my husband has a better orgasm.

Well said, OP.

If your husband won't use a condom, and you're still having sex, he knows there's a risk of pregnancy. He is obviously not that worried about it, or else he wouldn't be doing it.

I don't entirely agree with PP who say that all pregnancies should be planned carefully and all children positively decided upon. I know several couples who have had a 'surprise' pregnancy (all after having had children previously) and, after initial uncertainty, have loved these children just as much as their 'planned' ones.

OP YANBU

Anyone saying that you are being unreasonable is another example of why women are treated as second class citizens and only men are important.

I am so sad by some of these comments. Its 2021!

Women shouldnt have to suffer so that men can have a better orgasm. If a woman says no to hormones or metal etc in her body then it means no.

One day I hope they come up with some kind of copper coil for men. Insert it into their balls and see if they are happy with condoms then!

While he says he doesn't want another child as others have pointed out he can't be that bothered, but the reason hes not that bothered is because it's no skin off his nose really is it? It's not like he has to carry it round for 9 months, facing all the hormone and body changes and then being the one having to take time off work on reduced pay etc etc etc.......

So of course he won't wear a condom or get the snip as long as the OP continues to have unprotected sex with him FFS!

OP we are in your position, the slight difference being that neither of us wants another child. I stopped taking invasive contraception 18 months ago and it's the best thing I ever did, I've never felt better.

DH had the same 3 options as yours - Covid has hampered him getting the snip to a degree so we are using condoms. DH hates them but he knows it's that or no sex!

@Nsky

Get sterilised, sorted

Why would I get sterilised? He can get sterilised if he doesn't want another baby.

@Wheretobuy it's just a suggestion. OP doesn't "have" to do anything. I don't mind doing it but if OP does mind then she doesn't have to track her cycles.

I don't mind looking at tracking cycles together but as I've said they are a mess at the moment.

I meant to add YANBU OP, but some of the other posters on her definitely are!!

How do you feel bringing a baby into the world you know the Father does not want? I am not saying it is 100% your responsibility it is both of yours. You need to both act more maturely.

@spinningspaniels

We had baby no 4 after this situation.

After which, DH cottoned onto the fact that I meant I wasn't responsible for contraception and it was on him.

He had the snip when baby was 8 weeks old!

An excellent outcome!

YaNbu at all. Totally understand why you don't want to be responsible for contraception anymore, you've done your turn, now it's his! Can't believe some of the suggestions of you being U by not wanting to use contraception that will potentially mess with your body or be invasive when you have also clearly stated you would be happy enough if you were to get pregnant again and you've beem honest with DH about this. He knows your stand on it and us making his own choices as an adult.

Have you looked at natural family planning where you chart your ovulation with various methods (temperature, cervical mucous observation, some people use LH test sticks) I’ve done this most of my adult life and it’s worked well. You do need to have regular cycles but it’s pretty reliable if done right.

I think that is probably a good reason for having something that will show when you are about to ovulate and when it finishes.

www.boots.com/boots-ovulation-test-kit-7-tests-10173134#:~:text=your%20most%20fertile.-,These%20fertile%20days%20occur%20around%20ovulation%20when%20an%20egg%20is,24%2D48%20hours%20before%20ovulation.

It’s quite clear that you want to end up with another baby. He doesn’t want that.

What needs to happen is an honest conversation, no point leaving it all oh well I don’t mind if something happens blah blah. You’re two adults, you both know that having sex with no contraception is going to end up with a baby that he has said he doesn’t want. It needs to be a conversation whereby he either agrees he’d like a baby or agrees to use a condom/get a vasectomy, rather than you ending up with an unsurprising ‘surprise’ and him unhappy about it.

What will you do when you are pregnant with baby number three? Or four? Four kids is very full on. How about five or six, he might get the snip then!

chart your ovulation with various methods (temperature, cervical mucous observation, some people use LH test sticks)
More work for OP vs husband putting a condom on or having the snip. To do the temperature tracking thing correctly it has to be the same time each morning – no lie-in at the weekend, OP! – before you’ve moved – shame about that early morning wee! – and, frankly, I was delighted to stop doing it, it felt very freeing.

He’s continuing to have sex with you and he knows the risks. His choice. YANBU at all OP.

@vivainsomnia

Or don't piss in cups daily and get him to wear a condom Yeah! He can't get you to use hormones, but you should definitely have the right to get him to wear condoms.... Some women here really only see men as muppets...

The situation is simple and both of you are irresponsible. He is irresponsible if he refuses to wear condom as he is risking creating a child he doesn't want, impacting on everyone.

You are irresponsible by not ensuring you don't get pregnant by risking to give birth to a child who might not be wanted by their father.

Or you can act like adults, discuss the matter, accept that there is no perfect solution but compromises, that you pee on a stick at times and he wear a condom when you are not in a perfectly safe stage of your cycle. Is it really so hard to make that compromise?

This scenario can only be accepted if you completely ignore the fact (like you have!) that OP did not take risks previously and all things considered, it’s time to take decisions as equals. OP has done a fair amount of contracepting and pregnancy and it’s time to reverse the tables. He can at least agree to condoms FFS. But he really wants to have his cake and eat it.

I am the exact same situation. I won’t have invasive or hormonal contraceptives. Partner not having the snip. My body my choice, his body his choice. We both understand the risks. Been this way 10 years. Only times I’ve fallen pregnant were planned (2nd cycle trying).

So no you ANBU if you both understand the situation then crack on.

YANBU.

DH and I had an agreement that if I could no longer find a contraceptive I got on with, he’d have a vasectomy. I got to that point, so he did.

We just use condoms, always have for almost 16 years now. I love condoms, they don't ruin the mood, clean up is great, it's fun trying all the different ones. I've never even tried any kind of hormonal contraception, everything I've read and been told by friends make me never want to try it. OH has never complained, he's very happy with condoms too. Pulling out sounds stressful and sad, I'd never be able to relax and wouldn't allow it. I think men who cry about condoms are spoiled and childish and so deeply unsexy. Why should I risk lowered sex drive, mood swings, weight gain and whatever else when men risk nothing? I think if more women didn't start the pill or whatever in their teens they wouldn't start later when their self worth is higher.

For those people concerned about the quality of the male orgasm...let's take a hypothetical scenario (not saying this is the OPs situation here but to address this specific concern):

Man 1 is so horrified at the idea of using a condom that he insists I make myself unwell on hormonal contraception or get a coil when I don't want something that invasive that could very easily be extremely painful to get put in and then you have GPs unwilling to remove them. I know many people who have had that experience and there was a thread on here the other day about it. This man also thinks using the pull out method or just hoping for no baby is an OK way to go about having sex.

Man 2 has the wherewithal to realise that he can put a condom on so that sperm + vagina doesn't = baby and needs no prompting to do that.

Which guy am I going to be more interested in giving a great sexual experience to?

You can take ovulation tests daily, it will cost money though. Are female condoms something you have tried? I think the best route given all you've said is going to be the not-so-great 'pull-out' method alongside menstrual tracking and ovulation tests. Also, have you looked into his condom size? My partner needed a bigger size, it's more about the 'girth' than anything, when looking into it I found out that a lot of men wear the wrong size and that's why they hate hate hate them. Makes sense to me! If it's squeezing them then that can't be enjoyable can it? Good luck OP. FWIW, YANBU, you've told him everything, so it's 50% on him now too.