Neighbour asked about my screaming child

[Anya20]

So this morning, this lady comes over to say she thinks her cat is in my garden ( this is the third time she has been looking for her cat in the last 3 weeks) . Whilst I go to open the side door to let her into the garden, she says to me -
‘ I heard a child screaming about ten minutes ago’ so I said ‘ yeah that was my child’ and then she says ‘ he sounded very distressed!’ .

I was a bit shocked and asked her if she had children and she said yes.

My child was having a third meltdown of the morning because he was tired bc he stayed up late yesterday because we had family over. That screaming from ten minutes ago was because he wanted to remove the ‘ black dots ‘ from his porridge. So I ignored his screaming for a few minutes because I couldn’t see what dots he was talking about.

I am fuming - was she looking to see if I am a fit mother rather than for her cat?? He’s nearly 3 obv he has tantrums!!! Am I right to be mad?

@Helenluvsrob

Stop fuming.

Take a step back and thank her for her concern but he’s out of sorts due to a late night and the heat.

The world needs more neighbours looking out for kids. You child is fine. Without asking she doesn’t know you’re not t the end of your tether with a partner that hits you and a kid who screams because life is awful.

I'm sorry, but I disagree. I just quoted this message as it was the first I saw, but another said: "...she did the right thing in looking out for your child."

Where are we heading, is this Nazi Germany all over again, where we are supposed to be peaking through the curtains and reporting on our neighbours at every opportunity. Has Covid-19 got something to do with this?

Kids cry, children have meltdowns & for all sorts of reasons. Yes, there have been awful cases - I'm not going to name them here - where if the school have picked up on things, or social services, disasters may have been avoided. But these are thankfully incredibly, incredibly rare. It is not the job of neighbours to be criticising the parental skills of the people in their street.

Parents should not be questioning other parents, the op is right to be vexed, in my opinion and she should have told the person who 'quizzed her' to mind his or her own business. Perhaps they are too apprehensive to do so though, in case a 'phone-call is made', what a crappy 'Big Brother' society we have become....

I'm surprised that everyone's leaping to insinuate that there is abuse involved or suspected - if I heard a child in distress and nothing else, I would be more worried that their parent had had an accident or was incapacitated somehow, unless I already had concerns.

This may be because I once knocked on the door of I house I just happened to be passing, because the door was ajar and I could hear a crying child inside and no sounds of an adult. Lucky I did as the dad had locked himself in the garage (bringing things in from the car) and the 3 ish year old didn't know where he was. I was able to let him out and he was very grateful, but it was just luck that the child hadn't gone to investigate outside and ended up on the main road.

I know that ignoring is often the quickest route to finishing a tantrum, but it can sounds brutal if you don't know that there's someone there.

Someone cares about the welfare of a child. How lovely. Comes and speaks to you in person, not phoning the police or social services.

'It was a tantrum over bits in the porridge, nothing else' would have been a response, and probably then a smile over it.

Why is mn full of screaming children and members of the public randomly commenting on said children? These threads are so weird. If someone said that to me I would have replied “yep dc is facing the horrific abuse of me refusing to remove non existent black bits from hoods porridge. Must be the weather.” Done, sorted and a non issue. My dd2 regularly sounded like I was trying to murder her. Quite frankly I’m amazed no one ever commented.

Both my DC have had tantrums...I consider it to be normal. I occasionally hear kids in my road having tantrums. The thing is an abused child could be screaming... equally they could be silent and we'd never know. Therefore all this talk of checking up seems overkill to me. Any child could be being abused regardless of thenoise they do or don't make...hence, should we check on absolutely every child just in case?

If you rang social services and said you heard a neighbour’s 3 year old child having a tantrum a few times a day what would they do? Surely, it is normal for many children that age to have tantrums.

I find the flippant comments and talk of “other parents should mind their own business” here really saddening. I’ve read my way through many threads like this in which a poster was unsure whether or not to intervene, she was encouraged to do so by countless other posters who said - I wish someone had intervened when I was being abused as a child, and thanking the person for intervening on behalf of the child.

does nobody on here read back?

Rarely, apparently.

In this case they might not be so rude about the neighbour if they'd bothered to read previous posts.

@Goawayquickly

She did the right thing in looking out for your child.

Really? We are supposed to call on the neighbours and check everything is ok every time a child cries or tantrums?

Don't be mad - lots of children are badly harmed and in hindsight people say they heard/saw stuff but didn't want to say anything for any number of reasons. She doesn't know you, so it's not personal, but she's doing the right thing. Imagine if another child near you was being mistreated and everyone heard but no-one bothered.

Can’t believe everyone voted YABU. YANBU!! I would be fuming! None of her business

@gingganggooleywotsit

Can’t believe everyone voted YABU. YANBU!! I would be fuming! None of her business

Read the updates, theres a hell of a back story. The OP is currently a victim of domestic abuse.

Better to insult someone's parenting than ognore and read about it in national news...

I lived next to kids few times and never experienced them screaming often so I would be concerned too. Anyone should. Everyione wants a village as long as the village shuts up.

@Evelyn25 it also works on adults. I use similar

@tentotwelve

does nobody on here read back?

Rarely, apparently.

In this case they might not be so rude about the neighbour if they'd bothered to read previous posts.

That's not going to happen and we know it...🙈

@GettingUntrapped

The mummy police are ever present when you have young children. Don't let her get to you.

Do you mean people who have a concern about a child in distress? Maybe if the ‘mummy police’ had shown some concern about Victoria Climbie she would have died such a terrible death.

OP, it’s understandable that you were annoyed, but the neighbour was only doing what every person should do if they thought a child was in distress - and I’m sure if you though a child was in distress you’d probably do the same. Don’t take it personally, just explain what happened.

There's lots of screaming from our house as we have two under 6. Both have additional needs and I do wonder what others think. It's like someone has been murdered. I often shout.

I'd hazard a guess the neighbour is very worried about you and your children OP.

Hence, her missing Cat.

To be honest, three screaming meltdowns in a morning would certainly have me worrying.

I accidentally clicked YANBU. I meant YABU!

I think many of us have felt unsure how to proceed if we were a little concerned about a family. It sounds like your neighbour is lovely and was subtley checking in, giving you a chance to lean on her for support if you needed it. She's got kids, so I'm sure she knows that sometimes a friendly face can be a lifesaver. Fortunately, it sounded like you and your child were fine, but I'm glad she checked in with you. Don't take it as a judgy insult, take it as someone looking out for you.

You can change it @laalaaland 😁

Schrodinger hahahah thanks...how did I not know that?!

I had a screamy child. He is autistic.

My neighbour called social services on my because he refused to come in from the garden and was screaming the house down.

I had a 10 day old newborn and a 3.5 year old as well.

If that neighbour had taken the time to ask if I/my child was ok I'd have broken down in tears because I was so alone with it all and it was beyond exhausting every day. I'd far rather they'd have done that than make me feel utterly shit because my kid regularly had autistic meltdowns.

Those of you criticising parents who have 'difficult' children have no idea how hard it is.

Op's domestic situation seems difficult which casts her position in a different light.

I'm a grown up and still a difficult sod!

@FredBlankenship
Using 'Nazism' in your argument is both offensive and pathetic

@FredBlankenshipp. Yes. A concerned neighbour checking on a screaming child in a home where there is ongoing domestic abuse is exactly the same as a regime that committed genocide. For fuck sake, can you hear yourself? Disgraceful.