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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour asked about my screaming child

243 replies

Anya20 · 19/07/2021 09:54

So this morning, this lady comes over to say she thinks her cat is in my garden ( this is the third time she has been looking for her cat in the last 3 weeks) . Whilst I go to open the side door to let her into the garden, she says to me -
‘ I heard a child screaming about ten minutes ago’ so I said ‘ yeah that was my child’ and then she says ‘ he sounded very distressed!’ .

I was a bit shocked and asked her if she had children and she said yes.

My child was having a third meltdown of the morning because he was tired bc he stayed up late yesterday because we had family over. That screaming from ten minutes ago was because he wanted to remove the ‘ black dots ‘ from his porridge. So I ignored his screaming for a few minutes because I couldn’t see what dots he was talking about.

I am fuming - was she looking to see if I am a fit mother rather than for her cat?? He’s nearly 3 obv he has tantrums!!! Am I right to be mad?

OP posts:
WeatherForecast · 19/07/2021 13:28

She did the right thing OP. Even if it's upsetting I'm sure you'd prefer people step in or speak up if they're worried about a child rather than sit back and do nothing.

If people raise an incident like this on here they're often told to either keep their nose out and call social services if they're concerned, or to man up and go and speak to the neighbour themselves. Seems like she was brave enough to choose the latter. Something about your child's behaviour obviously concerned her, rightly or wrongly, and she erred on the side of caution. I hope more people were like that.

MrsJBaptiste · 19/07/2021 13:37

@Justilou1

“Thanks for your concern. My kid is a healthy and normal toddler. Now, about your cat… Perhaps you ought to be keeping it inside. People might start thinking you’re neglecting it, losing it as often as you do, and in such hot weather!”
Apart from it seems like the cat is probably never lost but a good way of (quite rightly) checking on a neighbour.
ChainJane · 19/07/2021 13:43

This thread goes to show that you just can't win. If a neighbour has concerns that a child is being neglected or abused and goes to check, she's wrong. If a neighbour decides to ignore it, she's wrong.

Right now there is probably someone hearing a child being abused and decides to ignore it because it's none of their business or they'll feel stupid if they are wrong.

VerticalHorizon · 19/07/2021 13:46

1 safe child is worth more than any amount of upset parents.

Simple as that.

Goingdriving · 19/07/2021 13:48

My neighbour knocked on my door when my child was having a massive tantrum. He said he was worried that I’d fallen down the stairs and was dead. It did give my four year old pause for thought!
I djidnt mind him coming round. I’m grateful
For his concern.

Evelyn25 · 19/07/2021 13:53

I'd love to know what you young mothers think about my "distraction" technique.... I know it works. Do some of you use this?

MolyHolyGuacamole · 19/07/2021 14:00

@GettingUntrapped

The mummy police are ever present when you have young children. Don't let her get to you.
100%. People need to mind their own business.

So funny the replies on here, but when an OP says should she say something to parents out in the front garden drinking all day why the kids run wild they are (rightfully) shot down.

Goingdriving · 19/07/2021 14:02

Also my neighbour over the road was having a massive fight with his ex girlfriend really really abosive and he’s left his four year old in the car sitting there looking scared while it was going on. Loads of curtain twitching. I went down to the car and sat and talked to him and told him it was ok and my then 12 year old gave him a teddy to keep. I told him how scary it was when grown up fights. I waited till the dad came back. The fad said thank you which I wasn’t expecting - I was ready for him to be angry.

spittycup · 19/07/2021 14:11

As the mother of a 3yo YABVU

how difficult is it just to explain what you wrote on here- that he was having a tantrum? That's it, then you laugh about it together and move on.

godmum56 · 19/07/2021 14:13

does nobody on here read back?

Drinkingallthewine · 19/07/2021 14:18

You have an abusive partner. She obviously knows this and by taking you to the side gate on the pretext of a missing cat, the neighbour was checking that both of you were ok and not harmed.

She's worried about you and your children and was letting you know that you may have a supportive ally there if you need one in an emergency.

How the fuck can you get outraged at that?

GalaxyGirl24 · 19/07/2021 14:21

On one one OP, I'd be shocked and annoyed because it would feel like someone was questioning my ability as a parent. BUT on the other hand it is good she had the nerve to come by directly to see if all was well (aslong as she doesn't get extreme with it!) and to be honest it would probably help a lot more children/identify concerns if neighbours chatted more.

I've a baby of around 10/11 months and my neighbour has her niece around a lot who is 5 months. I'd forgotten how alarming and distressing it is to hear a baby really wail and cry! If your neighbour hasn't got kids or hers are adults it may have just alarmed her! (Btw I've seen my neighbours DN often, she looks well and happy)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/07/2021 14:23

While it is, of course, annoying to be the subject of investigation by what could just be a nosy neighbour, it's also good to see the positives - the lady was concerned, she wanted to check everything was ok. It might not have been!
In this case it was, and you should come off your high horse and see that she was just showing concern for your child, not having a go at you, necessarily.

Now I see that 2 people have referenced "cutted up pears" but not linked to the thread yet - here it is www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/a1301196-If-my-3yo-had-access-to-AIBU - these are things that children have thrown tantrums about!
Hopefully it will give you a good laugh.

traintraveller · 19/07/2021 14:24

@Drinkingallthewine

You have an abusive partner. She obviously knows this and by taking you to the side gate on the pretext of a missing cat, the neighbour was checking that both of you were ok and not harmed.

She's worried about you and your children and was letting you know that you may have a supportive ally there if you need one in an emergency.

How the fuck can you get outraged at that?

I agree with this. OP your outrage and fury is directed at the wrong person.
HankMarvinjg · 19/07/2021 14:45

@Frootloops4life

No, if social services (which is already stretched beyond any use) got a call every fucking time someone's kid had black dots in their porridge it would be totally overwhelmed and those children who are actually being abused would never get help.

That's like saying we'd have better medical outcomes if we all showed up A&E whenever we had an itchy hand or a cold.

We'd overwhelm it and the person with a head injury would die

Well said 👏
Nonmaquillee · 19/07/2021 14:48

To the PP who said: people need to mind their own business - this is pretty much the most ignorant post I have ever read on MN.

What do you think are the potential implications for the most vulnerable in our society if everyone - all concerned adults, teachers, medical staff etc - minded their own business? Who’s looking out for those who can’t speak for themselves??

HankMarvinjg · 19/07/2021 14:49

@Greydog

I was going to go round to my neighbour today to ask if her baby was OK. It screamed for over an hour yesterday afternoon, and it woke me up at 3.30 this morning, screaming. When it's not screaming, it's crying. Now I don't know if I should go and ask, or am I likely to be told to MYOB?
If you were my neighbour, and you came around to ask if my baby was ok in a "concerned" way, you wouldn't be my neighbour for long. Babies scream, Babies cry. If they're ill, teething, hot, colicky etc. Jesus
HankMarvinjg · 19/07/2021 14:51

@Greydog

I was going to go round to my neighbour today to ask if her baby was OK. It screamed for over an hour yesterday afternoon, and it woke me up at 3.30 this morning, screaming. When it's not screaming, it's crying. Now I don't know if I should go and ask, or am I likely to be told to MYOB?
What are you trying to achieve? You'd most certainly cause issues.
Floralnomad · 19/07/2021 14:53

@VerticalHorizon

1 safe child is worth more than any amount of upset parents.

Simple as that.

My feelings exactly .
quizqueen · 19/07/2021 14:53

People don't look for their cats unless they have been missing all day! Next time, tell her you will check about the cat and don't let her into your garden but reassure her that your child has tantrums at the moment over silly things, as toddlers do.

HankMarvinjg · 19/07/2021 14:57

Remind her, forcefully that kids will be kids. Each and everyone one is different. Then tell her to bake a cake x

safariboot · 19/07/2021 14:58

She's telling you diplomatically that your toddler is disturbing her work/sleep/TV/whatever.

With a toddler there's not much you can do except keep the windows closed.

paddingtonbearmeetsdeadpool · 19/07/2021 14:59

Whats puzzling is that she's a neighbour she must know a little bit about you and your family. My next door neighbours children should be seen and not heard at least your child feels safe to express themselves how ever they wish. I got that from someone who works with children when a child is quiet that is the time to worry not when a child is loud and being obnoxious. Ignore her

DanielTigersMummy21 · 19/07/2021 15:03

Maybe it was her way of trying to be supportive, by giving you an opportunity to offload to her about how stressful it is having a toddler?

ohthatbloodycat · 19/07/2021 15:07

I'd have just chuckled at the nightmare toddlers can be, and reassured her. Fuming is a bit OTT as far as reactions go.