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Original poster

Secret friend

181 replies

Faa27 · 18/07/2021 18:08

How would you feel
If you found out (after a year) that your husband has a friend who you never heard about, he chats to everyday and meets regularly. Just a friend nothing else.

OP posts:
Saoirse82 · 18/07/2021 23:38

@Hawkins001 He's in contact with this woman every day but OP has never heard of her, that's absolutely a secret!

Hawkins001 · 19/07/2021 00:02

[quote Saoirse82]@Hawkins001 He's in contact with this woman every day but OP has never heard of her, that's absolutely a secret![/quote]
But then if you flip the situation, would his partner declare everyone she is good friends with ? I'd say it's only a secret if asked and then it's covered up, until then the dh has his friends, the same as his partner has hers,

besides to all, if it was a male friend, would that alter the dynamics and why ?

MsDogLady · 19/07/2021 04:32

For a year your H has been regularly meeting this woman at night and messaging her daily, and you have been kept totally in the dark. He has been intentionally deceptive while developing this intimate relationship.

You’ve previously written two threads detailing how this cruel man treats you with utter contempt. He is hardly ever home, has checked out of parenting, calls you disgusting names, and gaslights you into believing everything is your fault. I agree with others that the thread about your holiday was difficult to read. There you were pregnant and exhausted from solely caring for 2 little ones while he left you everyday for 6+ hours to have his fun time like a single man. He said the girls would soon discover how boring you are, and he pressured you to apologize to him for being upset.

You have agency here, Faa. How much longer will you tolerate his abuse before you walk away? You know that this is a toxic relationship model to show your daughters. His clandestine EA or PA is just one more reason to end things. Flowers

Cloudninenine · 19/07/2021 04:33

The fact that he kept it secret is really odd.

FortunesFave · 19/07/2021 04:50

Of course it matters that it's not a guy. This is a straight man not a gay or bi man we assume. And it looks like an emotional affair.

Skyla2005 · 19/07/2021 06:29

Affair No other reason to keep her secret

Agog123 · 19/07/2021 07:11

So, this is a tricky one. I am the secret friend for the last 5 years - we commute together and I would genuinely say he’s one of my very best friends. I met him just before his wedding, have seen him have 2 kids and I’ve had my own 2 kids. We have each other’s contact details but only ever contact each other in emergencies, I talk about him openly at home and my husband obviously isn’t threatened, because there is nothing there but friendship. In fact my husband has met my friend a couple of times!

But for whatever insane reason, my friend cannot/won’t tell his wife about me. Not once in all these years has the conversation or interaction with this man gone anywhere near crossing some kind of emotional line.

It doesn’t always have to be an affair … I just think my friend doesn’t want to upset his wife in any way, as she must be insecure about some things. And really, there’s nothing to worry about so why give her the stress?

Teacupsandtoast · 19/07/2021 09:07

You posted in 2018 that he's a twat. In 2019 that he's a twat. And now he's a cheating twat. You CAN leave

PunishmentSnart · 19/07/2021 09:18

How did they meet?

newdaynew · 19/07/2021 09:24

@Agog123

So, this is a tricky one. I am the secret friend for the last 5 years - we commute together and I would genuinely say he’s one of my very best friends. I met him just before his wedding, have seen him have 2 kids and I’ve had my own 2 kids. We have each other’s contact details but only ever contact each other in emergencies, I talk about him openly at home and my husband obviously isn’t threatened, because there is nothing there but friendship. In fact my husband has met my friend a couple of times!

But for whatever insane reason, my friend cannot/won’t tell his wife about me. Not once in all these years has the conversation or interaction with this man gone anywhere near crossing some kind of emotional line.

It doesn’t always have to be an affair … I just think my friend doesn’t want to upset his wife in any way, as she must be insecure about some things. And really, there’s nothing to worry about so why give her the stress?

Your friend is putting up a wall between himself and his wife because there is a significant aspect of his life (his talks with you) which she knows nothing about. This is dangerous territory. If I were you, I would guide the conversation so that it gives him an opportunity to talk about his wife and his family life contextually together. I am assuming he has not told you anything about his wife? If he has, however, that again is dangerous territory, since you would know stuff about her, but she knows nothing about you.
newdaynew · 19/07/2021 09:30

@Faa27 the fact that their texts are everyday chat means nothing. Skilled cheaters are well aware that it is risky to leave text evidence. I read of a woman who was having an affair for years and who admitted that if someone were to read the texts between her and her affair partner, on the face of it, nobody would suspect a thing.
Cheaters can still give themselves away in their messages, though. A person very close to the cheater, or a skilled linguist, could probably pick up on a few nuances which indicate that there is more going on beneath the surface of those seemingly everyday chats.

Viviennemary · 19/07/2021 09:31

AGOS your 'friend' cannot tell his wife about you because he knows its wrong, and his wife would be upset. You are complicit in the deceit while making out you are doing nothing wrong .Pretty shocking.

DysmalRadius · 19/07/2021 09:31

It doesn’t always have to be an affair … I just think my friend doesn’t want to upset his wife in any way, as she must be insecure about some things. And really, there’s nothing to worry about so why give her the stress?

Because your friend is treating his wife like a child and someone who doesn't deserve full agency in their own life. I'm surprised that you aren't concerned about someone who can compartmentalize their life so effectively that they have a 'best friend' that their life partner and parent of their children knows nothing about.

It's sad for both of them but she doesn't even know that her husband sees fit to withhold important information from her, so she doesn't even realise how unstable her marriage is. I don't think I could be friends with someone in those circumstances - he doesn't come across well.

Auntienumber8 · 19/07/2021 09:38

She is at the very least stroking his ego.

So many men feel neglected when their partners have dc, its pathetic but I have seen it a millions times over amongst friends and on here. One of my male friends horrified me when his wife had a baby. I had known him for ten years, we were christened evil twins at work as so alike and I really thought he was the little brother I had always wanted. We had also become couple friends. We met for drinks, I had left work by then so was far less frequent. He propositioned me, I was truly devastated. He back tracked. I told DH.

Viviennemary · 19/07/2021 09:42

So you feel you know what's good for a wife you dont even know or haven't even met. Unbelievable. Its cheating. Both of you.

SarahBop · 19/07/2021 09:45

That's not a friend. That's an emotional affair.

I would be livid and consider it unfaithful...the fact he is hiding her smacks of guilt Sad

You poor thing, hugs x

MrsMaizel · 19/07/2021 09:45

@Agog123

So, this is a tricky one. I am the secret friend for the last 5 years - we commute together and I would genuinely say he’s one of my very best friends. I met him just before his wedding, have seen him have 2 kids and I’ve had my own 2 kids. We have each other’s contact details but only ever contact each other in emergencies, I talk about him openly at home and my husband obviously isn’t threatened, because there is nothing there but friendship. In fact my husband has met my friend a couple of times!

But for whatever insane reason, my friend cannot/won’t tell his wife about me. Not once in all these years has the conversation or interaction with this man gone anywhere near crossing some kind of emotional line.

It doesn’t always have to be an affair … I just think my friend doesn’t want to upset his wife in any way, as she must be insecure about some things. And really, there’s nothing to worry about so why give her the stress?

What kind of emergencies ? I don't understand ... do you commute together every day ?
bigbaggyeyes · 19/07/2021 10:06

He lying by omission.

It's like someone saying they didn't lie about sleeping with someone because you never asked.

My opinion is that if something has to be hidden, even in this way, it's deceitful and not something I'd be best impressed with at all

heymacaroner · 19/07/2021 10:23

I'm female in my 20s. I went for a drink with a colleague last week who is male probably mid-late 40s. I work with him and part of my role involves projects together etc so I didn't think it was out of sorts for him to suggest a drink after work rather than our usual coffee/zoom call monthly catch up (which has always been totally work appropriate to date).

While we were out for the drink he told me he'd lied to his partner about where he was that evening and asked me where I'd told my husband I was (implying I should have been hiding the fact from my DH). He made a few other flirty/inappropriate comments too and I left feeling really upset. Nothing actually happened but it was clear from his intent to hide our drink that he wanted it to. I won't be seeing him again outside work in any context. Made me feel really sick actually.

Either the OW knows you don't know about her, which means she's ok being a little 'secret', or she doesn't know you exist at all/that you don't know about her and he's basically lying to you both

There's no innocent reason for him to have kept her quiet. Friends come up in general chit chat 'oh I was talking to so and so about that the other day, she was saying...' 'I'm off for a run with so and so, back in a bit' etc. He's deliberately keeping her from you. Next time he goes for a run ask him if he minds running by himself, in a chatty way. See whether he fesses up.

cooldarkroom · 19/07/2021 10:33

Can you see his running route on the find my phone thing ? or see how many footsteps ? does he come back sweaty ? Does he even run ?
Anyway, you know that he is a lying scum. This is never going to miraculously become a happy partnership.
Time to do what you know you need to do

BreatheAndFocus · 19/07/2021 11:05

He’s keeping her secret on purpose. If he wasn’t he’d say something like “Just going for a run with ‘Jenny’ - be back around 10pm’. I expect the enthusiasm for running is largely so he can meet up with her.

If you don’t feel up to confronting him, do a little careful investigation. Also, look into how your life would be if you chose to leave him. People like him wear you down so you feel you don’t have the strength to leave. You do. Focus on yourself and your DC. Research, plan and know that you’re just as strong as other women who’ve been in your situation and left. XX

whynotwhatknot · 19/07/2021 11:18

Agog hes keeping y6ou secret because he has feelings for you its quite simple

Hawkins001 · 19/07/2021 11:50

@bigbaggyeyes

He lying by omission.

It's like someone saying they didn't lie about sleeping with someone because you never asked.

My opinion is that if something has to be hidden, even in this way, it's deceitful and not something I'd be best impressed with at all

Fair point,
Agog123 · 19/07/2021 12:32

@heymacaroner I think you’ve behaved very wisely! If I felt that my friend was ‘positioning’ to escalate our friendship - I too would be disgusted.

I would be horrified if my husband had a secret running partner, because I would know that by keeping her a secret he was doing something he felt guilty of. But that’s because my husband and I are very open and transparent and it would be really, really unusual behaviour on his part.

So OP you have to ask yourself, is it that he just doesn’t want to hurt me, or is it because he’s got something to hide?

I guess it depends on your relationship - from my experience as ‘the secret friend’ I know my friend has some belief that it would upset his wife, for her own reasons, and he just doesn’t want to cause her the aggro.

whynotwhatknot · 19/07/2021 12:38

you really are in denial @Agog123