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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret friend

181 replies

Faa27 · 18/07/2021 18:08

How would you feel
If you found out (after a year) that your husband has a friend who you never heard about, he chats to everyday and meets regularly. Just a friend nothing else.

OP posts:
JustCallMeBubblesDahling · 18/07/2021 20:07

How long does he go running for?

crochetmonkey74 · 18/07/2021 20:07

Definitely at least an emotional affair. I've been her OP and I'm now single and I can tell you I absolutely do not miss that sense of mistrust. I agree with PP who say gather more evidence. He will deny and convince you that you are mad/jealous etc Remind yourself that other men dont do this, you must know men in your life who would never do this to their wives. My ex dp convinced me everything was innocent but went ballistic when I asked him if it was innocent would he be happy for his dad to be doing this to his mum. You know what is respectful and right, dont let him convince you otherwise. To.my shame, i ended up apologising for my mental health being so low it made me jealous. Yet he knew what he was doing!!

Sonarl · 18/07/2021 20:07

@RealBecca

He goes running at 9 or 10pm because he knows you cant bump into him.
Yes that would be my thought. He goes running at the one time he knows you're trapped at home and can't follow or bump into him. I reckon at the very least he's in the pub with her.
JustCallMeBubblesDahling · 18/07/2021 20:08

Just seen you’ve asked him and he won’t answer.

Oh dear.

BanditoShipman · 18/07/2021 20:11

@JustCallMeBubblesDahling

Just seen you’ve asked him and he won’t answer.

Oh dear.

He won’t answer the phone while running, I think is what OP is saying
EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 18/07/2021 20:12

@Faa27

Hi is 40 and I assume she is her 20’s
That old cliche. It’s not right is it, trust your instincts. They are there for a reason.
TatianaBis · 18/07/2021 20:18

I’d assume an affair until proven otherwise.

Original poster
Faa27 · 18/07/2021 20:19

Such a cliche. I’m gutted I was so blind

OP posts:
gezzab33 · 18/07/2021 20:21

Is there a neighbour or friend who could watch the children for an hour and you could offer to go running too? Just to see what his face would do. Or are you like me and if I told my husband I was wanting to run he would know to call an ambulance as I'd obviously gone mental?

TSSDNCOP · 18/07/2021 20:22

The problem with the "a friend saw you running story" is that he's quite likely to counter with "oh yeah, where" and then you're going to be spinning in the wind.

TheNewBlack · 18/07/2021 20:24

Has he said he is running alone or was that something that was assumed?

Either way YANBU. I’m a runner and if I was running with someone else I’d say along the lines of ‘I ran with Joan today. She’s just come back from a holiday in Scotland. We should go’. Lots of stuff gets discussed while running. It’s not normal to keep that quiet.

The timings of the runs are fine though. Lots of people run late in the evening after putting children to bed etc.

Is your DH a member of a running club? Are they both members?

Whydidimarryhim · 18/07/2021 20:27

Are you looking for answers op - what are you going to do?
Follow his strata?
Get someone to follow him?
Look at his phone - it can show where’s he has been?
Does he come back sweaty?
How long is he out for?
She must be single I’d assume -
He’s not being honest by omission.
Don’t confront him yet!
Gather more info

JustCallMeBubblesDahling · 18/07/2021 20:29

@BanditoShipman Thanks and thank god for that! Didn’t read the previous post to OPs.

TSSDNCOP

The problem with the "a friend saw you running story" is that he's quite likely to counter with "oh yeah, where" and then you're going to be spinning in the wind.

Especially if he’s NOT actually running.

Tistheseason17 · 18/07/2021 20:29

V. Odd he's not mentioned her. Nothing to hide, so why not mention?

Charlize43 · 18/07/2021 20:30

My partner always brings friends like this home to meet me so things aren't misconstrued.

If he's kept her secret from you for so long, then he might be hiding something.

MarchingOnTogether · 18/07/2021 20:30

Get a babysitter and say you want to go running with him, see how he reacts?
Or get a babysitter after he's left and follow him

crochetmonkey74 · 18/07/2021 20:40

I know someone who got a friend to follow her husband, do you have someone that could help you do that

user1471462428 · 18/07/2021 20:45

Has he got any fitter since he started running?

InFiveMins · 18/07/2021 20:47

They go running at 9pm or 10pm? That seems odd to me; the whole thing is odd.

I agree with another poster - ask him if you can start going running with him and test his reaction.

FlaminEckVera · 18/07/2021 20:47

Someone is purposely getting my posts deleted.

I have obviously pissed someone off.

Time for a namechange methinks...

CrystalBollocks · 18/07/2021 20:48

OP, if we assume the worst (namely an EA, at this stage):

Why would your husband be having an EA? What has gone wrong? Can it be rectified now? There are a lot of questions here.

FWIW, XH and I could have recovered from my EA, had he not been an abusive prick.

FlaminEckVera · 18/07/2021 20:48

Won't see me again on here under this name.

Toode pipski!

gezzab33 · 18/07/2021 20:56

Is he getting ready to go out right now? I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Hawkins001 · 18/07/2021 20:58

@Faa27

How would you feel If you found out (after a year) that your husband has a friend who you never heard about, he chats to everyday and meets regularly. Just a friend nothing else.
Depends if he had no reason to mention it, and if you had not asked any direct questions to the effect of the situation then realistic, I'd say it's just a close friend. Unless you have an agreement to openly declare all outside interests that can effect the marriage then yea....
Hawkins001 · 18/07/2021 20:59

@crochetmonkey74

I know someone who got a friend to follow her husband, do you have someone that could help you do that
Depends if he runs counter intelligence manoeuvres, then it could easily be foiled
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