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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret friend

181 replies

Faa27 · 18/07/2021 18:08

How would you feel
If you found out (after a year) that your husband has a friend who you never heard about, he chats to everyday and meets regularly. Just a friend nothing else.

OP posts:
MrsMaizel · 18/07/2021 21:16

@Faa27

Just chit chat, nothing incriminating. But a lot of chit chat and a lot of meeting up
Meeting up other than the running ? Regardless though he is lying by omission and this is not good .
JustCallMeBubblesDahling · 18/07/2021 21:33

OP, I’ve just committed an MN son of looking up your previous threads. Your H sounds like a utterly nasty Cunt, who has a track record of being emotionally abusive to you, buggering off and leaving you to deal with the DC (on a family holiday!) despite you working full time as well, ‘working’? very long hours and keeping secrets about who he’s spending time with.

Can you confide in someone about your relationship, telling them what you have posted previously on here and your current situation? You really need some RL support from someone who is on your side. Just reading that holiday thread from 2019 made me furious your behalf. If he is cheating, which would not surprising from the behaviour you’ve described previously, I hope you nail the fucker BEFORE you confront him and take him for all he’s got.

JustCallMeBubblesDahling · 18/07/2021 21:34

Sorry MN sin not son.

FortunesFave · 18/07/2021 21:38

Don't let him walk all over you OP ...you're not being unreasonable at all!

Original poster
Faa27 · 18/07/2021 21:38

Thanks for all the advice. It means soooo much

OP posts:
LtDansleg · 18/07/2021 21:41

What are your plans op?

Original poster
Faa27 · 18/07/2021 21:51

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do what I should

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 18/07/2021 21:57

@Faa27

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do what I should
Because you still love him or because you haveny got the energy to think about living without him?
TheNewBlack · 18/07/2021 22:05

💐 for you OP. Sending you strength.

Viviennemary · 18/07/2021 22:19

I would seek a divorce. The trust is broken. How can this be a marriage when one person does this.

Anotheruser02 · 18/07/2021 22:23

He has lied by omission. That's gutting. Sorry OP.

BelterDelta · 18/07/2021 22:30

Following on from what @JustCallMeBubblesDahling has said & done, back in 2018 your ‘d’h wasn’t getting in until 10pm.

You and your girls deserve so much more than this Flowers

Mountaingoatling · 18/07/2021 22:33

Youre plenty strong! You don't need to do anything right now. Sit with it. It's funny what new connections and thoughts you might have. He's known about this for a year. Let yourself get familiar with this new info and you'll be strong enough for what follows.

Hawkins001 · 18/07/2021 22:35

@Viviennemary

I would seek a divorce. The trust is broken. How can this be a marriage when one person does this.
Although I don't know previous history, but based on this thread there is no indication that her dh, kept this a secret, and as he openly talks about his relationship and the texts are not incriminating then I'd be intrigued as to your thought processes that lead to your perspectives ?
HollowTalk · 18/07/2021 22:36

Look at the number of steps on his phone. I'm not convinced he's going running at all.

Viviennemary · 18/07/2021 22:38

I thought the DH kept the friendship a secret. The heading is secret friend.

ItPearl · 18/07/2021 22:52

@Faa27

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do what I should
It takes more strength to endure this constant level of entitlement, laziness and disrespect (going by what others have recalled from your history).

Leaving is a shock. It's hard. It's frightening, but after you've done it and after you've settled in to it, what's weird is that it was so terrifying!

I think our brains our hardwired to stick with ''survival'' and no more. There is no higher bar in evolutionary terms. We have to 'hack' it. You know you deserve more but that's why your brain will trick you in to sticking with what you know, just because it hasn't actually killed you?

Cherrysoup · 18/07/2021 22:58

Why are you with him? Is this how you want to live your life for the rest of it?

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 18/07/2021 23:04

OP can I ask how you know it's been going on for a year if you haven't confronted him? Surely you haven't gone through a year of his text history, have you?

Hawkins001 · 18/07/2021 23:09

@Viviennemary

I thought the DH kept the friendship a secret. The heading is secret friend.
Fair point, although I read the ops comments, and she discovers it via reading his messages, and she presumed her dh ran alone, and she never explicitly asked her dh about any friends he has, and I'd guess it's the same with her dh, I presume he does not ask his partner about every friend they have, so I'm guessing this well not sure what to add, but it's like the questions not been asked and the dh has not offered.
DeflatedGinDrinker · 18/07/2021 23:11

I'd assume he was sleeping with her. Or had slept with her in the past.

Hawkins001 · 18/07/2021 23:16

Another theory, it could be your dp 's handler.

whynotwhatknot · 18/07/2021 23:19

Hawkins theres backstory here i dont think its just this incident thats the problem

and do u go running say youre alone then go and meet a man?

Hawkins001 · 18/07/2021 23:22

@whynotwhatknot

Hawkins theres backstory here i dont think its just this incident thats the problem

and do u go running say youre alone then go and meet a man?

I read the ops comments and her dp, never said he ran alone, it was the op, that admitted that it was assumed, he ran alone,

Although I do admit I don't know the full back story which could help give better context.

criminallyinsane · 18/07/2021 23:37

if there's more to this than running partners then why isnt it clear from the messages? they dont know they have anything to hide because they didnt expect you would find the messages in which case you might be seeing the sum total of their friendship

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