Can you be a good person if you pay for sex? [Content warning: descriptions of sexual abuse]

[Lave]

Do you think there's a grey area or are all men who pay for sex abusive?

Fundamentally, no, I don’t think anyone who is a good person pays for sex. It is just wrong.

Having said that, I imagine there is a big range in the behaviour of this men, and how they treat the women. It’s all wrong and comes from a place of disrespect, but to imagine there’s a wide range of respect/disrespect shown to the woman, so I wouldn’t put them all entirely in the same pot.

How anyone could enjoy sex knowing the other person isn’t doing it because they want to (as in the actual act, not because they want the aaao sited money) is beyond me.

@LimeRedBanana, aren't pregnancy, child birth and sexuaaly transmitted disease and sexual violence the main causes of death in younger women world wide? I was going to post earlier that no body is entitled to sex or needs sex but sex is a real danger to both women and men ( mainly through disease but also sexual violence). It's my opinion that it should be more widely acknowledged that the sexual urge does not have any necessary moral consideration and it actually takes a good deal of education and care to control it.

I just looked on that puntersnet 🤢 one of them said "she didn't seem to be enjoying it, I think it was hurting her which was really off putting for me and made it hard to cum." I think that says it all. I have a lot of sympathy for women who have found themselves involved in sex work, and i don't judge them at all. But I absolutely judge the men who pay for these "services," regardless of circumstances. I wouldn't want to be in an kind of relationship with someone who had paid for sex.

I think that men who pay for sex are bad and people who pay for women's bodies to be used for surrogacy are also bad.

If a good looking, well of man 40 to 50 year old pays a young and beautiful prostitute you can bet that the sex won't be "vanilla".

It isn't mysoginistic or anti sex worker to think that men who use prostitutes don't care if the girl/woman is coerced.

I cant think why a good person would want/need to pay for sex

I can't think why anyone would have sex with me unless I paid them.

Oh dear that's grim.

There will always be arseholes

@Lave I’m sorry that’s awful. I hope you have blocked him and reported it to Mn, who will ban him.

He’s stupid as well as a creep. No one here thinks you should be ashamed of yourself. We think that Johns are disgusting scum, not the women .

Having all these skeletons in my closet I don't feel safe online much of the time so NC frequently.

The first thing that has sprung to mind when I read that message is that it's an ex client who knows I use MN - because there is one that does.

That probably sounds quite paranoid doesn't it? I just wouldn't put it past people.

I can't see a woman writing that.

@Lave - sadly, this is a tempting site for misogynistic trolls

It sounds like someone who either is, or knows what a punter would say.

Try to just block out hate. You deserve better

I'm so sorry Lave, what a horrible feeling. It doesn't sound like a woman to me either.

@Megasausagehead

It sounds like someone who either is, or knows what a punter would say.

Try to just block out hate. You deserve better

Indeed.

The writing style and way certain parts are worded sound very familiar to me.

@Valeriekat
"If a good looking, well of man 40 to 50 year old pays a young and beautiful prostitute you can bet that the sex won't be "vanilla"."

Why do you think that? The 50 year old might just want a beautiful young body without any complications.

@Ponoka7
Yeah right ...or he could find himself...you know an actual partner.

@Lave

I assume this message is somebody trolling me, or they clearly haven't read my posts. Nice

Poor you

I am certain it's nothing but a troll with nothing better to do other than trying to play games with you - escorts, even ex-escorts have a hard time on here and I think it's someone nasty, who knows you're fragile and wants to mess with your head. Just report it and forget about it.

On a related note, the last time I 'outed' myself on here as an escort, I did receive quite a few direct messages telling me that the sender(s) had always fantasied about spending time with a woman like me and to send them my details. I was torn between trolls looking to out me or a man trying to engage my services - if it was the latter, well, this is inappropriate behaviour and not the kind of person I would ever want to meet anyway and I would never give my details* away so easily. In the end, I reported the messages and didn't give it a second thought.

*This is why I asked for my other post to be deleted as it was ever so slightly outing

It's relatively common for some people who have disabilities which have precluded them from finding a sexual partner the traditional way, to pay a sex worker. I can't imagine any of us would judge them for that.

I think you can absolutely be a good person and pay for sex, but I think it would be contingent on being respectful and kind to the person you're paying, trying to be sure you weren't visiting someone who had been trafficked, and generally trying to be the most ethical consumer of sex as a product possible. I've got friends who have worked in the sex industry and they feel well disposed towards most of their clients, and only resentful towards the ones who treated them poorly.

Sorry you are being treated like this. It is so important that you ladies talk about your experiences so that no one can ever minimise what you have been through or justify exploiting vulnerable people.

@0DETTE

Paying for sex is an abusive act. So yes, men who abuse prostituted women and children are abusers.

Most men who do this, do it many times.

So yes, repeatedly, deliberately and knowingly abusing others makes you a bad person. Even if you also give to charity, don’t drop litter, like kittens or are vegetarian.

This. I couldn't say it better. It's abusive, and any man with half a brain knows that. And those who abuse vulnerable women & children simply don't care.

@Valeriekat, but he doesn't want a partner, he wants regular sex. My DD'S friends (all in their 20's) have 'sugar daddies'. The sex is whatever they consent to. One of my DD'S friends ended the arrangement with two of hers because the sex was boring. She has various kinks.
Not everyone wants partners.

I think paying for sex is an abusive behaviour and a very poor choice. However, I don't think anyone is entirely a good person or entirely a bad person. We are a complex mix of our experiences and choices. There is a human self-protective tendency to demonise others to make us feel better about our own poor choices by emphasising how much worse someone else's are. And there is a hierarchy of poor choices and abuse, of course there is. But I don't think demonising anyone, even at the extreme of child sex abusers or serial killers, is helpful in the long run.

I don't think demonising anyone, even at the extreme of child sex abusers or serial killers, is helpful in the long run.

I do 😐

I think you can absolutely be a good person and pay for sex, but I think it would be contingent on being respectful and kind to the person you're paying, trying to be sure you weren't visiting someone who had been trafficked, and generally trying to be the most ethical consumer of sex as a product possible.

But you can't know if someone is abused, coerced or trafficked. So every time a man pays a woman for sex, he is willing to prioritise himself wanting sex over the risk that she is a victim of one or all of those things. He thinks him wanting sex is more important than that. Not the actions of any decent man, surely?