Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can you be a good person if you pay for sex? [Content warning: descriptions of sexual abuse]

582 replies

Lave · 18/07/2021 14:15

Do you think there's a grey area or are all men who pay for sex abusive?

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 23/07/2021 01:27

There was a documentary about a man who ran an agency supplying wives. He was based in.. can't remember. It was a country in South East Asia.

It was grim.

Men would come and meet him. He would explain that the women were better as they were traditional. Not like UK women. None of that feminist nonsense.

He said iirc that they see their husband as a king. They will cook clean etc and wait on him. They do not say no when he wants sex. They did not argue. Etc.

There was a catalogue. The clients were late middle aged overweight not very appealing bog standard men.

The women were young and beautiful and poor.

The men would choose one go out see if her looks and attitude pleased him. If not try another. The women had limited English. The men did not understand the local language at all.

Nevertheless matches were made and the paperwork done.

I found it revolting TBH. Why hadn't these men found a partner in the UK? Because they were horrible. Essentially.

There have been quite a few cases over the years with women who were acquired like this being essentially kept prisoner at home, raped etc. Not surprising.

Yes they consented. I can't see that as good though, a fair exchange.

I'm trying to remember, I think some of them had children that they left at home with family. Plan was to send money back.

I mean sure sometimes it works out ok maybe. But...

NiceGerbil · 23/07/2021 01:32

'When I was much younger my DSis was in Uni she had an older BF with a great job, lovely car, fantastic holidays. It suited them both, even though she liked him, it was never a long term option for my DSis anyway as she had other plans to move abroad.'

???????

So she had a boyfriend that she liked and he liked her. And he was older and generous.

I don't see that as anything to do with prostitution.

You say she liked him... Why are you suggesting that your sister was exchanging sex for nice things?

Is your view that all sex is transactional, with marriage also being essentially financial security for sex? I know that is a view some have.

deadflowers · 23/07/2021 08:11

@NiceGerbil, I don't have the view that all sex is transactional. It is certainly not the case for me.

I'm not suggesting my DSis was exchanging sex for nice things. We were a bit surprised when DSis introduced him (20 versus 40), but our family got to know the BF a bit over time and really liked him.

TheStarbucksMermaid · 23/07/2021 08:57

Of course you can still be a good person and pay for sex. Women pay for escorts too ya know, it's not just about men.

Sillawithans · 23/07/2021 09:01

I was a sex worker, I wasn't forced into it. I had sex with some nice people. I come from a lovely family and no history of drugs, abuse etc. I did it for the money and I earned a lot of it in a short period of time.

BlatantlyNameChanged · 23/07/2021 09:02

Men are the majority users of prostitutes. There are some women who use them. They are also bad people because consent can't be bought.

Movin4wards · 23/07/2021 09:09

@Sillawithans

I was a sex worker, I wasn't forced into it. I had sex with some nice people. I come from a lovely family and no history of drugs, abuse etc. I did it for the money and I earned a lot of it in a short period of time.
Congratulations you're in the minority.
BlatantlyNameChanged · 23/07/2021 09:20

I was a sex worker, I wasn't forced into it. I had sex with some nice people. I come from a lovely family and no history of drugs, abuse etc. I did it for the money and I earned a lot of it in a short period of time.

Of course you were...

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/07/2021 10:55

@Sillawithans

I was a sex worker, I wasn't forced into it. I had sex with some nice people. I come from a lovely family and no history of drugs, abuse etc. I did it for the money and I earned a lot of it in a short period of time.
And every man who handed over money to have sex with you had no way of knowing if you were abused, coerced, trafficked etc. They were willing to take the risk that you were, in order to have sex with you. Decent men wouldn't take that risk in case you were any of those things which would therefore make them complicit in them.
KeflavikAirport · 23/07/2021 11:49

Women working in nail bars are often trafficked and enslaved. Are women who use nail bars complicit? Just wondering how far that argument extends.

Movin4wards · 23/07/2021 13:17

@KeflavikAirport

Women working in nail bars are often trafficked and enslaved. Are women who use nail bars complicit? Just wondering how far that argument extends.
Well I for one was unaware that trafficked women working in nail bars was a thing.

Fortunately I don't go to nail bars.

If I were somebody to frequent them then upon learning that information I wouldn't be going back and supporting the trade.

LimeRedBanana · 23/07/2021 13:28

@Sillawithans

I was a sex worker, I wasn't forced into it. I had sex with some nice people. I come from a lovely family and no history of drugs, abuse etc. I did it for the money and I earned a lot of it in a short period of time.
‘Some’ nice people?

And what about the others?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/07/2021 14:12

@Sillawithans

I was a sex worker, I wasn't forced into it. I had sex with some nice people. I come from a lovely family and no history of drugs, abuse etc. I did it for the money and I earned a lot of it in a short period of time.
I don’t think that a few positive stories make prostitution OK, @Sillawithans - sorry. I don’t think it outweighs the abuse that far too many women are put through - sex trafficking, being pumped out by someone who takes all the money, violence from punters and pimps, drug addiction (to dull the pain, or drugs forced on them by the traffickers to make them more compliant), working on street corners, STDs, to name but a few.

And stories like yours enable men to think that prostitution is OK - they can fool themselves that they are ‘nice’ and the woman they are buying is fine with being the warm hole for their cum.

However nice your punters were, I doubt they had much, if any, respect for you - they were buying a warm body to fuck, that came without any of the onerous demands of a relationship - respecting their partner, making sure she had good sex too, taking an interest in her, helping her, supporting her emotionally etc etc etc.

Prostitution dehumanises the prostitute.

ClareBlue · 23/07/2021 19:06

There does seem to be different situations. Some who get caught up in a sort of macho night out on stag nights or sleazy work dos (barely remember), some who have no experience or have social problems and think it is a solution (rarely is), some who are past it and want some young girls to try and prove something (it does, but not what they thought), some who generally have sex addiction issues and it is another outlet or are bored in a hotel room, some who feel lonely or neglected and think paying will fill a void (it won't), some who like all the build up and excitement but the act doesn't do much, and the really shit ones who like the power and use it to degrade and dehumanize women.
Common thing being for every type is the complete lack of awareness of why the woman is available to buy and what damage they are doing to them.
So by any definition it is abusive.

Sillawithans · 23/07/2021 20:30

@LimeRedBanana they were all nice to be fair.

Sillawithans · 23/07/2021 20:39

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius crikey, what an angry post. I've no idea of their personal circumstances, or how satisfied their wives, partners were with their sex life.

Not all sex workers are trafficked, pimped out or being fed drugs.

BlatantlyNameChanged · 23/07/2021 20:56

If you were a sex worker, you can't have been with many to have considered them all nice. Law of averages alone would say otherwise.

BrozTito · 23/07/2021 20:58

Sorry I dont follow how an industry rife with addiction, abuse and trafficking is just fine because a minority arnt affected?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/07/2021 21:12

[quote Sillawithans]@LimeRedBanana they were all nice to be fair.[/quote]
Every punter who paid for sex when you were a sex worker was nice? That sounds incredibly unusual and lucky. I'm glad for you if that was the case but it is a huge anomaly.

Megasausagehead · 23/07/2021 21:17

What a load of shit.

I have met many ex prostitutes and read extensively around the subject. The pretence of free choice is insulting to those who have actually lived the life and escaped.

So you only fucked nice guys eh? Right.

Sillawithans · 23/07/2021 21:32

I worked for an agency at first, got a few regulars out of that then went on my own. I never had a single problem with any of them. I didn't post to defend what I did, I'm just giving my experience. It was mostly boring to be honest.
I would go to hotels and also to homes. I wasn't picking men up on the street off my tits on drugs, it was a bit more civilised. Not suggesting it was high class or any of that bollox, it was just sex for money.

Sillawithans · 23/07/2021 21:36

@Megasausagehead I'm not trying to insult anyone, just giving my experience. I did have a choice to a certain extent as I wasn't on drugs, didn't have anyone sending me out to walk the streets.

BlatantlyNameChanged · 23/07/2021 22:04

I'm not saying I don't believe you but it really doesn't tie in from other threads I've seen you on.

Sillawithans · 23/07/2021 22:13

I had a thread on ask me anything a while ago.

NiceGerbil · 23/07/2021 22:24

I'm also surprised.

Obv I don't know how many men you saw while working.

But assuming it was a fair number. That would mean that men who pay for sex are nicer, more respectful, less likely to be pushy, aggressive etc than men in general.

That feels... Unlikely. To me.

I think you were very very lucky TBH.