To be upset this woman was bitchy towards me all night?

[Cherrysummer]

I went out with a few friends last night, one of my friends brought a few others, including one women who I’ve met loads over the years and have always been fine with.

I say always been fine with, I saw her at a party a few weeks ago and noticed she was a bit ‘off’ but there was no reason as to why so I tried to not take it personally and tbh haven’t really thought that much of it.

Last night, within 5 minutes of turning up, I heard this woman say to 2 others ‘I just don’t like her, I don’t know why.’ And heard the 2 others say ‘which one is it, which one don’t you like?’ My friend was talking to me but I was pretty in tune to this conversation and could see them all looking over at me out of the corner of my eye. I sat there thinking wtf?! I’ve known her for years, everything’s always been fine, I’ve never been anything but nice and kind to her.

All night she was throwing me dirty looks, I’d never met the 2 women she came with before but met both throughout the evening and they were distinctly cold and again, I could just see them giving me dirty looks all the time.

I didn’t say anything to anyone as I didn’t want any drama and to spoil anyone else’s evening but it really spoiled my evening. I was upset when I got home, told DH and he said I should’ve confronted her, I said I know but I didn’t have any hard proof she was talking about me and she’d have just denied it I’m sure.

The trouble is, this isn’t the first time someone has taken a dislike to me for no reason. It’s happened Id say about 5 times over the course of my life, I can hand on heart say I haven’t ever done anything to these women but they’ve all seemed to hate me and relish telling everyone and have tried to alienate me from others.

DH upset me last night and said ‘it’s because you’re too nice, they see it as a weakness and you are a bit meek with confrontation you have to admit so you’re an easy target. You do need to toughen up a bit and start standing up for yourself.’

I know he’s right to a degree, but you know what, I know, with confidence that I haven’t ever done anything to the woman in Q last night, or to any of the other women who’ve taken issue with me over the years, my only crime has been being polite and friendly to them and so I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like I want to give them the reaction they so desperately want. Why should I put myself through the emotional stress of confrontation when I haven’t done anything wrong and they’re just being bitchy twats? Last night, in the end, every time I came into contact with this women I was OVERLY nice because I thought fuck it, she’s being ridiculous, she knows she is, hopefully it’ll make her see what a knob she’s being. She was visibly irritated by me being nice to her, you could see it on her face.

I just felt really stupid and belittled and I’m not sure if anyone else noticed these 3 being funny with me, but if they did no one called them out or said anything.

This woman has bitched about so many women to me in the past though. Last year she started crying to me, saying that a lady we both know is always funny with her when she sees her, alienates her from the group etc. Funnily enough, I’d had the same experience with this women so consoled her and sympathised with her. How ironic considering last night she then did exactly the same to me.

I know this all sounds really pathetic and teenager, we’re in our 30’s for God’s sake. I just feel really upset by it as it ruined what was otherwise a good evening for me and I’m dreading seeing this woman again.

I really feel like I need to do an assertiveness course or something too because too often I’m seen as the easy target and quite frankly I’ve had enough

No way should you change. Be yourself and be proud. It is not weak to not confront her. The only part yabu about is letting it upset you - assume she's jealous of you and pity her.

Sorry just realised my reply might not have been helpful. I don't have problems being assertive so I guess it is easy for me to dismiss the frustration of not knowing how. In a situation like that again I would probably turn around with a huge huge smile and say "is it me you don't like but don't know why? I don't know either. " And then say nothing, not one word but wait and wait and wait till she responds. Whatever stupid thing she says back just shrug and say something like "well if you think that's justification for standing there slagging me off then go ahead. I don't. But I guess we are all different."

The problem isn't you. The problem is that a grown adult would actually say out loud, I don't like someone. This should be limited to the playground. It's very immature. Unfortunately you've discovered that your friend isn't a true friend after all.

Try not to let it get you down. Some people never quite grow up. Ultimately they won't ever be contented and have peace of mind . It's a shame for them as well as you.

They're not worth your time.

Don't bother confronting people like that. It's a waste of energy and types like her would feed off it. Just remember you've lots of people who do like you.

The problem is clearly with her. You've said she's bitched to you about other women.
If they do it to others, they'll do it you.
Maybe practise a bit of discernment in who you are friends with.

Clearly this women is just jealous of you. Could be your looks, could be your lifestyle or how strong your family unit is. Ignore it and just do you. This will wind her up much more. Kill her with kindness and she will look like the biggest a hole.

If you're worried about seeing her again you could bring it up. It doesn't have to be confrontational. You could say "hi, listen this is awkward but I've been uncomfortable about seeing you. I overheard you saying X, it was clear you were talking about me. I felt pretty hurt as I thought it was unwarranted. You ruined my night and changed my opinion of you also so probably best we don't bother with this pretense." And then you don't need to speak to her at all.

What do you mean by "dirty looks" - I've never truly been able to picture this? Was she expressing anger/ disgust or something with her facial expression or do you think she could've just had bitchy resting face (as do I)?!

She sounds not worth bothering with tbh.

That is awful. Tell the friend who brought them about your experience and say you don't want to be around them again.

Go you for being extra nice to her. Nice tactic!

The problem is her not you. Rise above it and just accept that not everyone likes everyone.

I know how difficult it is though as I'm in a similar position. A woman in my group of friends has decided she doesn't like me. Ive never been anything other than friendly to her.
It's got to the point where people in my wider friendship group have noticed so I can only assume she makes it clear that she doesn't like me but i've been told the general consensus is that it's her problem and that she's jealous.
Ive always suspected that she really likes my DH, even before I was told she didn't like me and although it's never bothered me I think she's decided not to like me to justify her feelings.
It's sad and feels a bit childish but I'm just not letting it bother me.

This says nothing about you OP, it’s all about them. They’re acting like teenagers. Don’t waste time thinking that you need to change yourself to get people like this to like you or treat you nicely, just move on and forget about it. And there’s nothing at all wrong with being ‘too nice’, keep being nice, don’t change.

I would assume she’s jealous too.

This woman sounds extremely childish. It seems she has not progressed far beyond the school playground.....I think you need to pity her, because it really is pathetic that a grown woman would act this way!

Also you said she has been shunned by others in the past and now she's probably doing it to you to make herself feel better, more important etc....

It's honestly not about you. It's her. She's a twat! Just steer clear in the future.

I wouldn't bother confronting this woman and her cronies. They seem to like the drama and all it would do is play into their hands, create drama and they'd paint themselves as the victims. If you confronted them, what would you like to achieve? That they apologise and admit they are being bitches? That just won't happen. Best to leave it and avoid them.

You sound lovely op, but if someone is horrid just cut them out if your social circle, keep yourself with you true friends

Honestly you did the right thing, when they go low you go high. Confronting her would make you look so teenage and daft.

I wouldnt confront anyone in that situation unless she did something overtly nasty to you or made a nasty comment to you or something. Upsetting as it is, she is allowed not to like you (though talking about you when you're there and giving you dirty looks is incredibly rude and childish)
What does your husband think confronting her would have achieved? How does he think it would have gone?
I am 99% sure she would have said she didn't say that, you mis-heard her, or she was talking about someone else. And with the dirty looks, flat out denied it, then accused you of being paranoid if you pushed her.

Without irrefutable evidence and witnesses that back you up, youd just be creating more drama for everyone else. She sounds like a bitch if she does this a lot, people will know what she is like and now you do you can ignore her.
What I would do is maybe talk about it with someone who you are closer to that was in the group.

Good God reading that was like reading a description of my former self.
Women always used to and probably still do take a disliking to me.

It used really upset me. I'm not going to lie to you. I'd go out my way to please people. What's the saying though. "You can please some of the people some of the time. You can't please all the people all of the time."
However one day I just seemed (and it wasnt a conscious decision) to stop giving a shit. I'm not saying I don't care what people think that's not real life. We all care to a certain extent what others think.

However they don't add nor take anything from my life. Also I'm not particularly head over heels in love with them either.
Another thing, you were "likeable" enough for this women when she wanted a shoulder to cry on, weren't you.

This happened to me at a hen do.
The MoH who was organising it within 2 hours of arrival made a bitchy remark that I absolutely knew was aimed at me.
I spent the whole weekend loudly thanking her for organising the event, how lovely she looked in her outfit. I laid it on with a trowel because she knew and i knew the score but the bride and other hens would have been rather surprised if the MoH had been openly rude to me as I was so nice to her.
I look back with amusement at the confusion on her face when she knew I'd outplayed her.

I wonder if this woman regrets bitchng to you about her friend in the past and is worried you'll say something.

Honestly OP I have encountered this many times in my life, I am 42 and it still happens occasionally. I like you am very kind and nice to others, and yes some people will see you as an easy target. It could be anything that sets them off, jealous of the way you look or your life, who the hell knows and really who cares about what others think.

Wouldn’t give it another thought, easier said and done though I know. Just ignore her next time you see her and be clear about your boundaries, or just don’t attend another catch up with her.

Life is too short to be worrying about people who are bitchy and nasty. The problem is with them, not you 💕

Are you younger/slim/pretty? Usually the problem when something like this happens. It gets better once you're middle aged and the menopausal weight goes on. Absolutely just ignore it and be nice.

It’s her, not you. As a pp said, it probably stems from jealousy.

Ignore it as you did. Don’t give her the satisfaction of letting her say “see I told you she causes trouble” if you confront her.

If this happens again do what Bridezillamaybe suggested, smile and say to her 2 minions 'it's probably you that she was bitching about to me last month'. Then walk away after you've thrown that grenade in their corner. The other two women will be wondering whether you're lying or not while catty girl is trying to smooth things over. Either way, you've planted a seed of doubt in their heads & they'll never be a close friendship group.

This happens to me too. I am too nice and it does irritate a certain type of person. They see it as being a people pleaser and decide it gives them the right to be 'higher' in their imaginary ' pecking order'. The way I deal with them is to not speak to them and very deliberately ignore them to the point of sneering at them or crossing the road when I see them. It's amazing how fast they come running and being all nice again. It has never not worked for me even thought it is completely against my nature. I just think if they are ignorant enough to be like that then that's the treatment they respond to. Also its easier than ever saying anything to them. I suppose the worry for them ironically is you are also telling everyone how awful they are.

The thing is sometimes you do just get a gut feeling about someone. But when that happens I dont tend to tell others - I think turning her friends against you on that basis is really unfair.