To be upset this woman was bitchy towards me all night?

[Cherrysummer]

I went out with a few friends last night, one of my friends brought a few others, including one women who I’ve met loads over the years and have always been fine with.

I say always been fine with, I saw her at a party a few weeks ago and noticed she was a bit ‘off’ but there was no reason as to why so I tried to not take it personally and tbh haven’t really thought that much of it.

Last night, within 5 minutes of turning up, I heard this woman say to 2 others ‘I just don’t like her, I don’t know why.’ And heard the 2 others say ‘which one is it, which one don’t you like?’ My friend was talking to me but I was pretty in tune to this conversation and could see them all looking over at me out of the corner of my eye. I sat there thinking wtf?! I’ve known her for years, everything’s always been fine, I’ve never been anything but nice and kind to her.

All night she was throwing me dirty looks, I’d never met the 2 women she came with before but met both throughout the evening and they were distinctly cold and again, I could just see them giving me dirty looks all the time.

I didn’t say anything to anyone as I didn’t want any drama and to spoil anyone else’s evening but it really spoiled my evening. I was upset when I got home, told DH and he said I should’ve confronted her, I said I know but I didn’t have any hard proof she was talking about me and she’d have just denied it I’m sure.

The trouble is, this isn’t the first time someone has taken a dislike to me for no reason. It’s happened Id say about 5 times over the course of my life, I can hand on heart say I haven’t ever done anything to these women but they’ve all seemed to hate me and relish telling everyone and have tried to alienate me from others.

DH upset me last night and said ‘it’s because you’re too nice, they see it as a weakness and you are a bit meek with confrontation you have to admit so you’re an easy target. You do need to toughen up a bit and start standing up for yourself.’

I know he’s right to a degree, but you know what, I know, with confidence that I haven’t ever done anything to the woman in Q last night, or to any of the other women who’ve taken issue with me over the years, my only crime has been being polite and friendly to them and so I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like I want to give them the reaction they so desperately want. Why should I put myself through the emotional stress of confrontation when I haven’t done anything wrong and they’re just being bitchy twats? Last night, in the end, every time I came into contact with this women I was OVERLY nice because I thought fuck it, she’s being ridiculous, she knows she is, hopefully it’ll make her see what a knob she’s being. She was visibly irritated by me being nice to her, you could see it on her face.

I just felt really stupid and belittled and I’m not sure if anyone else noticed these 3 being funny with me, but if they did no one called them out or said anything.

This woman has bitched about so many women to me in the past though. Last year she started crying to me, saying that a lady we both know is always funny with her when she sees her, alienates her from the group etc. Funnily enough, I’d had the same experience with this women so consoled her and sympathised with her. How ironic considering last night she then did exactly the same to me.

I know this all sounds really pathetic and teenager, we’re in our 30’s for God’s sake. I just feel really upset by it as it ruined what was otherwise a good evening for me and I’m dreading seeing this woman again.

I really feel like I need to do an assertiveness course or something too because too often I’m seen as the easy target and quite frankly I’ve had enough

This is why I do not have women friends. Every one I have come across has been a bitch.

@ FaceLikeAScallyOnion right

DrSbaitso, yes I was insincere in my ‘niceness’ towards her last night, because tbh I didn’t know how else to handle the situation, I thought if she’s just being silly then she might come around if I’m nice. I tried ignoring and would’ve carried on just doing that but we kept getting thrown together for pictures and things and I didn’t want to create more tension or make a drama.

This isn't consistent with what you said before. You said that you were "OVERLY nice because I thought fuck it, she’s being ridiculous, she knows she is, hopefully it’ll make her see what a knob she’s being." This is quite a different motivation to "she might come around if I'm nice" and not wanting to create tension and drama. It is actually the opposite. You ARE trying to create tension, but in such a way that it can't be pinned on you.

You also said: "She was visibly irritated by me being nice to her, you could see it on her face." The implication is that this pleased you and was your intention. If it wasn't, and you really were trying to avoid tension and drama, why did you keep doing it? Why not just retain normal levels of civility and get through the evening like that? How much interaction do you need when standing together for a group shot?

I have to say I'm not getting the same vibes from your posts that others seem to be getting. I can't see anything from what you've said to suggest that she's jealous of you. Jealous of what?

Even her bitching history is changing. Before, it was "This woman has bitched about so many women to me in the past though" and now she was actually bitching in group sessions about people you don't know. And on the single one to one occasion, you definitely weren't bitching too, you were being...nice.

She obviously isn't a nice person but you knew that so there isn't really any reason to be so blindsided by it. But based on what your husband said, and how you relate and re-relate these stories, I'm afraid I'm getting the impression that you are one of those people who is so scared of being disliked that they get confused ideas over what "nice" is, and actually come over to some people as insincere and passive aggressive. I can't get on with those people myself because I never know who they are. And can't trust that they'll have my back if, say, a mutual acquaintance starts bitching about me in my absence because they're so scared of being disliked that they'll have to be "nice". Even though that isn't a nice thing to do at all.

You clearly don't like this woman, so why are you so upset if she doesn't like you either?

Most people don't like insincerity.

Hard to judge... could be a misunderstanding, a personality clash or you just arent as perfect as you claim.

I had a friend suddenly start being wierd like that for no reason, years later she claimed I poured a drink over her in a night club. I wasnt even living in town (I had moved 200 miles away) when she claimed it happened, no idea who did it but it certainly wasnt me but she was convinced it was me.

My friends had a friend and honestly our personalities just dont and never have alligned, we hung out a lot but its safe to say without the others we NEVER would be friends. We just dont get along on a personal level (no idea why she doesnt like me but I find her a hypocritical and rude bully).

My SIL comes across super friendly (try hard so) until she has a drink then she turns on other women and is an nasty agressive bitch for no reason with a 'better than you' complex (takes people by suprise). She of course is the victim though because shes self proclaimed 'so nice' and insists shes never done anything wrong and doesnt know why the girls dont like her (she remembers the events but always claims she was the sober one trying to 'control' other drunk women, not true as half the girls shes attacked dont even drink lol).

These are just 3 examples... with just one side of the story its imposible to know.

It’s shocking when this happens to you. It’s so
Immature and high school. I’ve had this a few times. There are a few people in my social group who I think are really petty and selfish and untrustworthy but I keep it to myself. That’s the adult thing to do.

I once went out with some friends and acquaintance of mine was there with a friend of a friend. She actually said “what’s she doing here?” and proceeded to openly be antagonistic with me. I went to the loo and everyone looked shocked and awkward when I returned. I think she’d been laying into me. I don’t even know her and she has no reason to dislike me. The next day my friend said that she is an awful, horrible woman.

I saw her about 2 years later and I didn’t recognise her. She was quite attractive and I think she thought she could get away with things. Anyway, she’d lost loads of weight due to taking up triathlons and she just looked like an old weather beaten hag. I didn’t even recognise her. She came up to me and asked if I’d not recognised her and then looked upset. Obviously she’d been told a few times.

Thank you karma.

I have had so many people over the course of my lifetime tell me that people don’t like me because I’m pretty

There you go, that's your reason. It's happened to me all my life and when I was younger was excluded from groups 'because the boys will fancy her', when I got to a working environment I have had the most bitchy and awful behaviour imaginable directed at me and it used to get to me. I can only say that for me it's got easier with age and the wisdom to realise what motivates other people's behaviour and their reactions to you.

You have to stay true to yourself and hold on to the friends you have, the good ones! I have a handful of true friends, confident, strong women who are comfortable in their own skin. If you don't have friends like that then keep searching, they are out there!

YANBU to be upset but I don't know what you could've said even if you'dve been sure she was talking about you. 'How dare you say you don't like me?'

It's not like she said she'd didn't like you because you're an X, Y, Z numerous insults, she said she didn't know why. That's not her fault really, just one of those things.

Some people can just have facial features that a few people misinterpret maybe. Or I'm sure most people have had a few people over the years who just 'didn't like your face.' That's normal. It's not like it's everyone you meet. Think of how many people you must've met in life. 5 haven't 'liked your face' out of hundreds of thousands or something. That's not bad at all really. xxx

amylou8 Sun 18-Jul-21 09:07:07
Are you younger/slim/pretty? Usually the problem when something like this happens. It gets better once you're middle aged and the menopausal weight goes on. Absolutely just ignore it and be nice

I loved this comment I put on weight a little while back that I'm still slowly losing and noticed that a couple of women who have seemed pretty much outright hostile towards me much of the time suddenly seemed to have mellowed somewhat and would even smile and say hello

I'm middle aged and single yet happy and come across as confident I'm told. I'm always smiley and friendly and happy to chat with people. I do 'outrageous' things like pop in the pub on my own for a couple of pints and either chat to people who are around or just sit on my own on my phone or reading a book etc. I suspect they would be happier if appeared lonely or miserable or suitably ashamed of myself.

I sometimes let people like this bother me and then find myself trying too hard to please. Life and my mental health goes much better when I just let it wash over me rather than analyse what's wrong with me or them or what I've done or why they are like this etc.

It's true that some women can be quite nasty to a woman they see as attractive- they get jealous of her or something and feel they have to pull her down a peg or two.

@mam0918 I’m not claiming to be perfect at all. I’m absolutely not. I can’t say I’ve never bitched about anyone, of course I have, just not without good reason.

@DrSbaitso, my intention wasn’t to irritate her, it was to try and diffuse the situation. I also wasn’t targeting her, I ignored her when I could, when I couldn’t, I was nice. She was irritated by my niceness, I could tell. That didn’t give me any pleasure, I mentioned it because I feel it’s illustrative of her position.

It’s fine if you feel I’m fake or whatever, I also know and agree that not everyone will like you in life. That’s fine, there are plenty of people I don’t like, one of whom was there last night actually, but I just ignore her, will say a civil hello but that’s about it. I don’t tell anyone else I don’t like her, I don’t try and influence other people not to like her, I just get on with it. With regards to this woman last night, I actually never said I didn’t like her, I do/ did like her, we’ve never been close friends but she’s always been a laugh and good to hang out with. My opinion of her now has changed.

@Cherrysummer

I have had so many people over the course of my lifetime tell me that people don’t like me because I’m pretty. I know people will think this is a stealth boast, no amount of me protesting that will make people believe it’s not but I promise you it’s not. I’m fucking sick of it, done, totally done. There is fuck all I can do about my looks, I see pretty people all the time and it would never in a million years occur to me to act like a complete cow to them because of how I look. Never. It’s not an acceptable excuse and I wish people would stop using it as one.

I just can’t be arsed with this shit anymore. I don’t know any men that have experienced this, the shit women have to put up with due to other people’s insecurities.

Well, you're also getting a lot of people on here assuming it's jealousy and I don't think they're right either. (I think this is always trotted out as a reason for bullying because it makes the victim feel better, but in my experience it is rarely the case.)

I do not think it's about your looks. I have no idea what you look like but I know how you are telling these stories and how you seem to respond when people you already didn't like turned it on you. Also, tbh, I think this is massively overrated as a reason for women not to take to someone. It's a stereotype and it's not one that's borne out much in my lived experience. Actually, when I changed my appearance for the better, I found women were nicer to me.

The fact that this has come up now that you're starting to get posts suggesting that you may not be entirely faultless here is just confirming what's in my mind, to be honest. There's a thin veneer of "but I'm so nice and lovely" but scratch it even slightly and the stories change, the motivations change and actually women hate you because you're pretty.

Sorry. I'm certainly not Team Bitch because she's clearly awful, but I'm just not convinced by the persona you're giving here.

The best revenge is to be bright and breezy around these people and let them see that their games snd they are so unimportant to you that you just don’t care. You are too busy and happy to notice.

My MIL and SIL like to play silly immature games like this snd I always make sure I act like I’m on top of the world and living my best life round them and too busy in my own world to notice any looks snd digs.

I just can’t be arsed with this shit anymore. I don’t know any men that have experienced this, the shit women have to put up with due to other people’s insecurities.

This is how I feel now. At nearly 40 I no longer have the time or inclination to deal with this.

I was told that one of the reasons the women gave for not liking me was that everyone else really liked me ...... how bloody ridiculous 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think perhaps your fixation that this is with how you look is clouding how you really present, OP. There are lots of very attractive people about; the smart ones won't attribute any and all friendship issues to their looks.

I've re-read your posts and agree with DrSbaitso, the inconsistencies in what you say make it quite difficult to see the true picture.

I find it very hard to have female friends. There always seems to be an agenda. Met one mum at dd2’s new school recently and we actually talked about interesting stuff - not the small talk/competitive parenting/competitive career crap - but actually books/writers and movies and fun stuff. I like her. I think we will be buddies.

I have been so abused and lied about by a few women I thought I got on well with - close even - that I am very wary these days and have very few friends. Those I rate highly/trust I can count on one hand.

I hear you OP. Some people unfortunately feel so bad about themselves, they can only feel better by pulling someone down.
Understanding the reason doesn't make the impact any easier though. It's horrible...and women seem to be very good at doing it so so subtley that you feel you can't confront them about it.
sorry she/they ruined your night out, well done for at least not letting them see it.

DrSbaitso, my intention wasn’t to irritate her, it was to try and diffuse the situation. I also wasn’t targeting her, I ignored her when I could, when I couldn’t, I was nice. She was irritated by my niceness, I could tell. That didn’t give me any pleasure, I mentioned it because I feel it’s illustrative of her position.

But you weren't trying to defuse anything. You explicitly said you were hoping to make her realise she was being a knob!

The motivation has changed and you will insist upon it, so there it is, although now apparently it's all because you're beautiful.

If you are wedded to to idea that this woman and her predecessors dislike you for no reason other than that you are too nice and too beautiful, then there's not really any point in taking a critical look at what you're saying and all the inherent contradictions. You asked our opinions, you now know mine. Do with it what you wish.

In my experience women only take an instant dislike to someone they are jealous of in some way - people are uncomfortable with feeling envy and therefore project it as a “dislike” to try to reduce their envy. Confronting her won’t work as it’s not anything you’ve done or can hash out. Just the ugly face of jealousy in someone who hasn’t learnt very much about themselves or their own inner world to become comfortable with envy, recognise it and then move on with love for the object of your envy. Hard to do if you’re emotionally immature. Your husbands advice plays more to male interaction that female I would say.

Very good small group of friends who tend to have nice friends themselves. On the rare occasions have known the unpleasant ones I just smile a lot and ignore their bitching

I think it's less about direct jealousy in those instances than in some way being threatened by someone.

How embarrassing for her.

Just ignore her, and laugh at (or pity) someone who hasn’t managed to mature beyond the age of 12.

Well I don’t know what I can say. I’ve said I’m not perfect a few times now, I’ve said of course I’ve bitched about people before, I think very few people haven’t, but only if I’ve had good reason to because they’ve done something to me. I’d have absolutely no qualms bitching about this girl now tbh because fuck her. I cannot tell you anymore clearly that I genuinely have never done anything to her.

And I agree, I don’t buy the people don’t like me because of my looks thing either, I never have. Which is why when it’s been said to me over the years I’ve always said ‘no that’s not why’ hoping to get a real answer and I’ve just had ‘yes, it is, they’re insecure.’ They insist that it is, that they can tell by the way the person looks at me blah, blah. Looks may be a part of it sometimes, but It’s absolutely something to do with my personality too.

But if there is even an element of truth to it, it ISN’T okay to be a complete twat to someone because of the way they look.

I have had this problem OP and I think I’ve figured out what it is. Some people are so used to ‘giving to get’ that they can’t understand people just being nice for the sake of it. I think it comes across to them as disingenuous, they simply can’t fathom that someone would be nice without an ulterior motive, so they distrust you and decide that the niceness is a facade.

Jesus wept how big was this group of women that were all bitchy/ignoring each other/being civil/insincerely nice/pretty/not as pretty therefore jealous and nice? It sounds absolutely exhausting

@DrSbaitso, I have NOT said it’s because of how I look. Please stop trying to push your own narrative here. I’ve said it’s definitely something to do with my personality, because you know what, no-one’s perfect in terms of personality, including you!