To be upset this woman was bitchy towards me all night?

[Cherrysummer]

I went out with a few friends last night, one of my friends brought a few others, including one women who I’ve met loads over the years and have always been fine with.

I say always been fine with, I saw her at a party a few weeks ago and noticed she was a bit ‘off’ but there was no reason as to why so I tried to not take it personally and tbh haven’t really thought that much of it.

Last night, within 5 minutes of turning up, I heard this woman say to 2 others ‘I just don’t like her, I don’t know why.’ And heard the 2 others say ‘which one is it, which one don’t you like?’ My friend was talking to me but I was pretty in tune to this conversation and could see them all looking over at me out of the corner of my eye. I sat there thinking wtf?! I’ve known her for years, everything’s always been fine, I’ve never been anything but nice and kind to her.

All night she was throwing me dirty looks, I’d never met the 2 women she came with before but met both throughout the evening and they were distinctly cold and again, I could just see them giving me dirty looks all the time.

I didn’t say anything to anyone as I didn’t want any drama and to spoil anyone else’s evening but it really spoiled my evening. I was upset when I got home, told DH and he said I should’ve confronted her, I said I know but I didn’t have any hard proof she was talking about me and she’d have just denied it I’m sure.

The trouble is, this isn’t the first time someone has taken a dislike to me for no reason. It’s happened Id say about 5 times over the course of my life, I can hand on heart say I haven’t ever done anything to these women but they’ve all seemed to hate me and relish telling everyone and have tried to alienate me from others.

DH upset me last night and said ‘it’s because you’re too nice, they see it as a weakness and you are a bit meek with confrontation you have to admit so you’re an easy target. You do need to toughen up a bit and start standing up for yourself.’

I know he’s right to a degree, but you know what, I know, with confidence that I haven’t ever done anything to the woman in Q last night, or to any of the other women who’ve taken issue with me over the years, my only crime has been being polite and friendly to them and so I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like I want to give them the reaction they so desperately want. Why should I put myself through the emotional stress of confrontation when I haven’t done anything wrong and they’re just being bitchy twats? Last night, in the end, every time I came into contact with this women I was OVERLY nice because I thought fuck it, she’s being ridiculous, she knows she is, hopefully it’ll make her see what a knob she’s being. She was visibly irritated by me being nice to her, you could see it on her face.

I just felt really stupid and belittled and I’m not sure if anyone else noticed these 3 being funny with me, but if they did no one called them out or said anything.

This woman has bitched about so many women to me in the past though. Last year she started crying to me, saying that a lady we both know is always funny with her when she sees her, alienates her from the group etc. Funnily enough, I’d had the same experience with this women so consoled her and sympathised with her. How ironic considering last night she then did exactly the same to me.

I know this all sounds really pathetic and teenager, we’re in our 30’s for God’s sake. I just feel really upset by it as it ruined what was otherwise a good evening for me and I’m dreading seeing this woman again.

I really feel like I need to do an assertiveness course or something too because too often I’m seen as the easy target and quite frankly I’ve had enough

She was obviously very unkind and mean to voice her dislike to other people, even if she couldn't help feeling it.

And shame on the friends who listened to her irrational dislike and then gave you the cold shoulder.

I have occasionally met people who rubbed me up the wrong way. I knew it was irrational and remained polite and friendly whilst not pursuing any sort of further contact.

I think another problem is that you seem very sensitive to it. You say that, in your life, people have not liked you on about 5 occasions. I have no idea who has met me and not liked me - loads probably. But it wouldn't register, or would barely register before being forgotten. Who cares if a random person decides you're not their type of person? Surely you have also met people you didn't like, despite them being perfectly polite?

They were very rude - ignore them and try not to care too much.

You were fake nice and wonder why she was off with you.

I think you need to accept that sometimes people won’t like you for whatever reason. It might be petty or it might not, but they’re entitled to dislike you just as much as you are entitled to dislike people. Don’t bother being nice to anyone who’s not nice to you it’s not worth it and lie is too short.

Don't change...iys not you. Truth is that most people are knob heads...who wants to be liked anyway? Be you....we are here to be authentic...not to be liked.

It's

Being funny with you,and the so called dirty looks,means that the said person, has some oddball issues herself,and could be a trouble maker type. Best to try and ignore people like this,and just concentrate on the people who you are friendly with.. I would not confront anyone like this.as they are not worth the bother.

@3scape

You were fake nice and wonder why she was off with you.

That was after she had overheard this woman saying that she didn't like her.

And that woman thought it was fine to just act a bit hostile to somebody in a group just because she felt like she wanted to be.

I think we all get hunches, we can all be wary of somebody. But to outwardly act in a hostile way towards somebody else in a group, just because their presence makes you uncomfortable, that's really immature.

Often we might be thinking ''oh I'd prefer if Regina didn't come, she's very cool with me'' but to go right ahead and set out to actively exclude somebody. It is their insecurity. They fear that in you or them contest, you might win, so they have to get you out of the race. Even though there's no race. There's no contest. Everything is black or white to these types. Winners. Losers. With me or Enemy.

I've been cast in the role of somebody's enemy once. She is pushing 50. The fact that this behavior is extremely childish doesn't mean it doesn't happen

@Goldielow

I'm a fellow "rub-people-up-the-wrong-wayer" and I used to get very upset. I would have people at work that didn't like me or friends of friends and I always wondered why when I'd go out of my way to help anyone. I saw in the end it's because they assumed my kindness was fake and I was a suck up to other people, because they're so nasty they didn't see that people could do things out of actual goodness.

I don't shrink anymore. I'm now the loudest and most bold person in any situation. If people don't like me I'm obnoxiously louder. They don't get a rise out of me anymore.

Next time you see her roll your eyes at her, give her dirty looks, make comments where she can hear them. Bullies don't like being played at their own game.

Me too, I could have written this. I was brought up by a domineering mother who taught me to put myself last and so I was always unsure of my worth and was grateful if someone was nice or welcoming to me, a stranger at a party for example.

Over the years I've learned to be more confident and it tends to stop this sort of pathetic bitchiness the OP decribes. I think of a person that I know who is confident and well liked, but not mean, and I enter a room/a party/a situation with that kind of energy. You need to have an energy about you, even if it's a quiet energy - not shouting, but not loud but if you can team your natural pleasantness with confidence and/or self esteem, It's amazing how well it works.

I think I was always meant to be that person TBH, but my mother knocked it out of me. I've since learned how to reclaim my place at the table, as it were.

Yes, absolutely. I was raised to be a people pleaser. I was raised to not even have a perspective. I was raised to believe that calling somebody out when they hurt me was an act of aggression perpetrated against them. This is because that's how my mother reacts when I tell her she hurt me.

So, I guess, without being aware of it, early on in relationships I don't even realise that I'm bending with the wind, being too accommodating.

I think that fear of being cast out of a group at work or in your extended family or at the school gates, or an old friendship group, it's that very fear of it that makes you susceptible to it.

The people to whom it would never even occur, they're not going to be iced out.

I've had it before with people I've never even talked to, they just take a dislike to you just from looking at you. It's crap.

This thread demonstrates perfectly that some women have a need to try and make others feel like shit. Ignore this woman and the posters who seem similarly bitchy and invested in trying to make you feel bad about yourself

@TheHoneyBadger

This thread demonstrates perfectly that some women have a need to try and make others feel like shit. Ignore this woman and the posters who seem similarly bitchy and invested in trying to make you feel bad about yourself

Couldn’t agree more!

I had this once on a night out with DH's friend and his wife. They brought along three other couples that I'd never met before. The men were all fine with me but the women (who were all very good mates with DH's friend's wife) were bitchy to me all night.

DH's friend's wife was fakely nice to me but was joining in with the whispers and giggling too. They all just made really barbed comments about me all night. One of them asked me how much I weigh (I'm a size 6 and naturally slim) and when I said 'oh I dunno, 8 stone something' she repeated it back in a mocking voice. They were all just vile.

We then went on to another place after the meal and two of us (non drinkers) offered to drive there. The women all crammed into the other driver's car with a couple of the husbands too, with not enough seats/seatbelts so that they didn't have to travel in my car. They all made comments like 'no chance' when we were sorting who was going in whose car.

I was polite enough on the evening but spent most of the time talking to my husband the other men, then insisted DH and I left quite early. I deleted his friend's wife off FB and if ever I see her or any of the other women around I blank them. Nasty bitches!

@HyggeTygge

What do you mean by "dirty looks" - I've never truly been able to picture this? Was she expressing anger/ disgust or something with her facial expression or do you think she could've just had bitchy resting face (as do I)?!

She sounds not worth bothering with tbh.

Seriously 😏

if you don't know what dirty looks are then you've been thankfully very isolated 🌸

It's never nice to know that someone doesn't like you, especially when they've no real grounds for it.
Sometimes people just don't gel - but usually they just avoid each other, or stay civil at least!
Sounds like this woman has a weird axe to grind and has decided to make others be "on her side" - your best bet is to ignore it as much as you have been doing already and to remain civil but not be over--friendly. There isn't any need at all to do more than be polite to her, as she is doing less than that.

I have a friend who was the loveliest, kindest, most empathic woman I'd ever met - she worked in an office with mostly other women but a male boss, and they all got on absolutely fine UNTIL a new woman started in the office who took exception to how nice my friend was and systematically worked on the others in the office to come round to her way of thinking, that my friend was far TOO nice to be real, must be fake, so saccharine and goodytwoshoes, ugh, how could anyone stand to be that sickly sweet etc. The absolute WORST bit about it was that, instead of all these other workers standing up for my friend, they just went along with it and started to believe it!
My poor friend tried to deal with it through appropriate HR channels, and her boss stood up for her, but he wasn't in the same room - and she ended up having to take early retirement because of the stress of it all.
Some people are just poisonous and they are best avoided.

I have to disagree with your approach op. This is 100% this woman's issue but all you did was play into it and left you still feeling upset. I think your husband is absolutely correct her. By standing up for yourself, it does not mean a full blown argument. When you heard her talking about you, you should have turned and looked at her directly. If they were all looking at you, you should have asked them if they were referring to you. That's how you stand up for yourself. She must have known that you heard, if you could hear! And then your reaction to that was to fawn niceness all over her. So the next time she will be even more bold in her dislike for you while you are trying to win her over. If you did the right thing, then why has it left you feeling upset and unresolved?
It's fine if someone does not like you, but her very open, blatant behaviour is a problem and you do need to stand up for yourself in that regard. I disagree that nicey nice is always the best approach.

This woman has bitched about so many women to me in the past though

There’s your answer. She’s insecure and picks out women she doesn’t like for some spurious reason, then tries to turn others against them or plant seeds of doubt about these women in others’ heads, just like she did with her friends last night when she talked about you. It’s her not you. I suspect she’s jealous and very insecure.

It is upsetting despite that, I know, but you need to try to rationalise it. She has previous in bitching about random women. You don’t need to justify yourself or go and be extra-nice to her. I’d be wary of her though. She sounds nasty.

Avoid seeing her again.. ask who's going out.. if she's there I wouldn't go 🌸

Some women do start acting all weird if a better looking woman is around.

I have a relative who is really insecure and if you turn up looking good/ slimmer/ wearing the latest fashion, she’ll get in a right mood. I’ve noticed that her friends are all drastically lacking on the looks front and they all comment on her FB that she looks so great in the many pics she uploads of herself. A lot of my friends are very good looking and it doesn’t bother me a bit. Good for them.

I don't think an assertiveness course will necessarily solve your problem.

Sometimes, someone will pick out a woman who is naturally confident an assertive and decide that she is a threat to them. If someone's quite insecure or is used to being the centre of attention, it makes them more likely to dislike or bully someone like that because they see it as a threat to their perceived status.

People are entitled to dislike you for whatever reason, but I understand that it's upsetting and unfair if you've been nothing but pleasant to the person in question. They don't have the right, however, to try and poison other people against you, especially if they can't even articulate why they don't like you!!

It really can spoil at atmosphere to have someone like this there, but as best as you can, try to see the funny side to it. Sometimes, even though being direct is good, people like this don't deserve that kind of attention. Sometimes that's all they want - attention. They manufacture some kind of ill will or drama so they can be at the centre of attention with someone.

Also, as far fetched as you might think it, sometimes women behave like this when they have a crush on someone or are jealous of them and don't know how to handle those feelings. Usually I see it with men but it can manifest in women too.

@BonnieScotlandBound

Some women do start acting all weird if a better looking woman is around.

I have a relative who is really insecure and if you turn up looking good/ slimmer/ wearing the latest fashion, she’ll get in a right mood. I’ve noticed that her friends are all drastically lacking on the looks front and they all comment on her FB that she looks so great in the many pics she uploads of herself. A lot of my friends are very good looking and it doesn’t bother me a bit. Good for them.

@BonnieScotlandBound My colleague had a problem with women generally, and I wasn't at all surprise when she made snarky, bitchy comments towards a new, friendly and capable colleague who was the same age as her. This women was tastfully groomed, toned, fit and worse a smart pencil skirt with a formal jacket to work. She looked fine - very appropriate for our public facing role, yet my colleague seemed to have a problem with her skirt and showed disdain for her - just sad really.

This woman*

Wore* ....argh....the typos

@OhHeyItsSaturday Yeah, they sound like it. That woman sounds like a Queen Bee who thought you were good material to get her crown (whether you are this type of person or not is irrelevant). Therefore, she had to put you down.