To be upset this woman was bitchy towards me all night?

[Cherrysummer]

I went out with a few friends last night, one of my friends brought a few others, including one women who I’ve met loads over the years and have always been fine with.

I say always been fine with, I saw her at a party a few weeks ago and noticed she was a bit ‘off’ but there was no reason as to why so I tried to not take it personally and tbh haven’t really thought that much of it.

Last night, within 5 minutes of turning up, I heard this woman say to 2 others ‘I just don’t like her, I don’t know why.’ And heard the 2 others say ‘which one is it, which one don’t you like?’ My friend was talking to me but I was pretty in tune to this conversation and could see them all looking over at me out of the corner of my eye. I sat there thinking wtf?! I’ve known her for years, everything’s always been fine, I’ve never been anything but nice and kind to her.

All night she was throwing me dirty looks, I’d never met the 2 women she came with before but met both throughout the evening and they were distinctly cold and again, I could just see them giving me dirty looks all the time.

I didn’t say anything to anyone as I didn’t want any drama and to spoil anyone else’s evening but it really spoiled my evening. I was upset when I got home, told DH and he said I should’ve confronted her, I said I know but I didn’t have any hard proof she was talking about me and she’d have just denied it I’m sure.

The trouble is, this isn’t the first time someone has taken a dislike to me for no reason. It’s happened Id say about 5 times over the course of my life, I can hand on heart say I haven’t ever done anything to these women but they’ve all seemed to hate me and relish telling everyone and have tried to alienate me from others.

DH upset me last night and said ‘it’s because you’re too nice, they see it as a weakness and you are a bit meek with confrontation you have to admit so you’re an easy target. You do need to toughen up a bit and start standing up for yourself.’

I know he’s right to a degree, but you know what, I know, with confidence that I haven’t ever done anything to the woman in Q last night, or to any of the other women who’ve taken issue with me over the years, my only crime has been being polite and friendly to them and so I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like I want to give them the reaction they so desperately want. Why should I put myself through the emotional stress of confrontation when I haven’t done anything wrong and they’re just being bitchy twats? Last night, in the end, every time I came into contact with this women I was OVERLY nice because I thought fuck it, she’s being ridiculous, she knows she is, hopefully it’ll make her see what a knob she’s being. She was visibly irritated by me being nice to her, you could see it on her face.

I just felt really stupid and belittled and I’m not sure if anyone else noticed these 3 being funny with me, but if they did no one called them out or said anything.

This woman has bitched about so many women to me in the past though. Last year she started crying to me, saying that a lady we both know is always funny with her when she sees her, alienates her from the group etc. Funnily enough, I’d had the same experience with this women so consoled her and sympathised with her. How ironic considering last night she then did exactly the same to me.

I know this all sounds really pathetic and teenager, we’re in our 30’s for God’s sake. I just feel really upset by it as it ruined what was otherwise a good evening for me and I’m dreading seeing this woman again.

I really feel like I need to do an assertiveness course or something too because too often I’m seen as the easy target and quite frankly I’ve had enough

DH upset me last night and said ‘it’s because you’re too nice, they see it as a weakness and you are a bit meek with confrontation you have to admit so you’re an easy target. You do need to toughen up a bit and start standing up for yourself.’...

...Last night, in the end, every time I came into contact with this women I was OVERLY nice because I thought fuck it, she’s being ridiculous, she knows she is, hopefully it’ll make her see what a knob she’s being. She was visibly irritated by me being nice to her, you could see it on her face.

Well this is what jumped out at me, OP. It sounds to me as though she thinks you're insincere and passive aggressive, and you use "being nice" as a weapon. And from this, it also sounds as though she's right.

I'm not suggesting you should have had some sort of confrontation with her under these circumstances (I'd have just avoided her, I think, or just stayed normal rather than amping up some insincerity to play a weird power game), but you may want to think about why you're "nice" and what sort of "niceness" it is. I don't know if it's seen as "weakness" to be taken advantage of as such - I mean, I can't see what she would gain from that. But I can certainly see from what you've said how it could be taken as insincere passive aggression designed in such a way that you can't be accused of anything because you're so NICE.

Seems like she’s jealous of you. Don’t ever change. I’m a bit like how you described yourself too but what I would do in that situation is nicely ask the woman if there is a problem and why she has spoken about you to different woman. She probably has done it knowing you haven’t and won’t pull her up about it so if you do that, she won’t expect it. Just an idea.

Op it's incredibly bad manners to do this and talk about you in ear shot it really is!
Ignore, head held high, what other people think of us is non of our business.

The bitchy woman is the problem, not you. Same for the previous 4 occasions. It's hideous and uncomfortable but don't let this experience make you change. Sadly these people exist in life (they don't evaporate after we leave school, they just carry on). They make us feel bad about ourselves. You just have to rise above it and avoid them. Can't offer more meaningful solutions than that I'm afraid.

Oh, and also....you day she's bitched to you a lot about lots of others in the past. That should be a ringing red alarm that she's bitching about you too. And if you don't want to be part of that, it's also the point where you tell her so, and don't participate in her bitch sessions.

But it seems you didn't ever tell her to knock it off, or remove yourself from the bitching sessions so as not to be a part of them. (It would appear, since you say she has bitched about "so many women" in the past.) Why not? Too "nice"?

It is OK to be disliked sometimes. Why would you even care if you don't like the person either?

@Bridezillamaybe

If you're worried about seeing her again you could bring it up. It doesn't have to be confrontational. You could say "hi, listen this is awkward but I've been uncomfortable about seeing you. I overheard you saying X, it was clear you were talking about me. I felt pretty hurt as I thought it was unwarranted. You ruined my night and changed my opinion of you also so probably best we don't bother with this pretense." And then you don't need to speak to her at all.

I'd use this tactic

Don’t take this the wrong way OP, but she simply didn’t like you. I don’t agree with others who say she was jealous of you, she and the five others simply didn’t like you. Doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong or they’re jealous of you, she simply didn’t like you.

And that’s ok. Not everyone you meet will like you. You need to not take that personally, which I think can be hard when you’re a really nice person.

What is not ok is bitchy behaviour. The dirty looks like were not ok, and that’s where she acted really immaturely, but it’s ok for people not to like you.

@Bridezillamaybe

If you're worried about seeing her again you could bring it up. It doesn't have to be confrontational. You could say "hi, listen this is awkward but I've been uncomfortable about seeing you. I overheard you saying X, it was clear you were talking about me. I felt pretty hurt as I thought it was unwarranted. You ruined my night and changed my opinion of you also so probably best we don't bother with this pretense." And then you don't need to speak to her at all.

Do you think she ought to listen to what the other woman has to say in response?

I think it's better just to ignore and withdraw than engineer a situation by which you get to say your piece but refuse to allow the other person a right of reply. If you don't want to listen to them, why should they have to listen to you?

And anyway....did she change OP's opinion of her? OP already knew she bitched about lots of people...

So you're happy for her to bitch to you about lots of other women but don't like it when it happens to you? That doesn't sound like you're a nice person.
She's horrible but you already knew that.

She sounds pathetic and good for you for not rising to it - I wouldn't either, I would think it was childish and embarrassing to talk about 'not liking' someone to a group like we're still in school.

And there's nothing wrong with you - I hate when people victim blame quieter people as if it's their fault that some other people are obnoxious. It's perfectly ok to be quiet! I would just work on feeling more comfortable with myself and putting the responsibility where it belongs - with the woman who displayed the behaviour.

I'm a fellow "rub-people-up-the-wrong-wayer" and I used to get very upset. I would have people at work that didn't like me or friends of friends and I always wondered why when I'd go out of my way to help anyone. I saw in the end it's because they assumed my kindness was fake and I was a suck up to other people, because they're so nasty they didn't see that people could do things out of actual goodness.

I don't shrink anymore. I'm now the loudest and most bold person in any situation. If people don't like me I'm obnoxiously louder. They don't get a rise out of me anymore.

Next time you see her roll your eyes at her, give her dirty looks, make comments where she can hear them. Bullies don't like being played at their own game.

This says everything about her and nothing about you. People who bitch to you will always, always, bitch about you. Just be your normal pleasant self - you’ve done nothing wrong and nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

Not everyone will like everyone, but she sounds horrible, just remember she's probably a miserable cow

Unfortunately I would absolutely agree with pp that it's jealousy. I am going through something very similar with a group of women who I have done absolutely zero to offend. I am slim and look after myself and they, without exception, are morbidly obese. It's a sad fact of life but a lot of women are hideously jealous of others because ultimately they dislike themselves. When you realise that, it makes it easier to deal with.

@mibbelucieachwell

The problem isn't you. The problem is that a grown adult would actually say out loud, I don't like someone. This should be limited to the playground. It's very immature. Unfortunately you've discovered that your friend isn't a true friend after all.

Try not to let it get you down. Some people never quite grow up. Ultimately they won't ever be contented and have peace of mind . It's a shame for them as well as you.

They're not worth your time.

This^ There’s nothing you can do and even she may not know why she’s taken such a strong dislike to you. Get new friends!

@DrSbaitso, yes I was insincere in my ‘niceness’ towards her last night, because tbh I didn’t know how else to handle the situation, I thought if she’s just being silly then she might come around if I’m nice. I tried ignoring and would’ve carried on just doing that but we kept getting thrown together for pictures and things and I didn’t want to create more tension or make a drama.

In that situation, my niceness towards her wasn’t 100% sincere, but it always has been previous to that, and she knows it.

@user1471457751, no, she has bitched in a group setting, about people I don’t know before. I didn’t join in, I didn’t even know them. The one time she moaned about another woman directly to me, I did empathise (NOT bitch) and say I’ve had similar experiences with this woman, not to let it worry her because it’s the other woman’s problem, she’s done nothing to her, just like I hadn’t. I wasn’t ‘bitching’ I was simply saying that I too, had had that same experience with the same woman, and actually I think she must’ve witnessed that for herself, which is why she chose me to vent about it too. I’m no saint, by any stretch, but unless someone gives me a valid reason to dislike them/ ‘birch’ about them, then I just don’t do it.

You sure one of the people she's talked to you about in the past wasn't one of the two accompanying her last night? She created a partition so you and they wouldn't mix...

Her behaviour doesn't imply "jealousy" and I always think that's too easy to say. Jealous of what?

It sounds as though she enjoys you being there as an emotional crutch, and when she doesn't need that you are the embodiment of her weak moments.

Stop being her go to.

Time to be best friends with e woman who alienates her and find out why.

I won't applaud you for being 'nice' to her; it was fake and you've said that. She should have kept her voice down or just not said it in your hearing but, people can sometimes just not like other people for whatever reason - even no reason, they just don't. I hear all the time on MN that women should listen to their gut; this woman (possibly) has and her gut says 'no'. Not nice for you but also not your problem or issue.

I think you need to get to a place where you behave the way that you find acceptable, that is socially ok - and then not mind what other people think of you. You obviously do care a lot what people think to the degree that you would take it back to your husband (who wasn't present so can't judge). Never mind what anybody thinks of you if you're behaving like a decent person.

Don't fake niceness though, it hasn't made you feel good and this woman will just either be thinking that you're a bit wet or will just be WTF? about it. Mostly though because it hasn't made you feel good; don't do that to yourself again.

I bet you are lovely looking, a good friend- seemingly have it all. Do not change! My best friend is beautiful too and some women can’t stand her. She tackles it by continuing to be herself, confident, friendly and honestly doesn’t let it get her down. She hasn’t got a few jobs because of looks though which is awful. You sound so nice so pretend to be that extra bit confident (hard I know) when she’s around. She is not worthy of your time, thoughts or conversation

DH upset me last night and said ‘it’s because you’re too nice, they see it as a weakness and you are a bit meek with confrontation you have to admit so you’re an easy target. You do need to toughen up a bit and start standing up for yourself.’

This is utter bullshit and victim blamey. ALWAYS be yourself. Never ever change to get people to like you. If people can’t accept/like you for who you are they’re not worth knowing. You’ve absolutely behaved in the best possible way in this situation. Now put it out of your head and don’t give her another second of your headspace.

I have had so many people over the course of my lifetime tell me that people don’t like me because I’m pretty. I know people will think this is a stealth boast, no amount of me protesting that will make people believe it’s not but I promise you it’s not. I’m fucking sick of it, done, totally done. There is fuck all I can do about my looks, I see pretty people all the time and it would never in a million years occur to me to act like a complete cow to them because of how I look. Never. It’s not an acceptable excuse and I wish people would stop using it as one.

I just can’t be arsed with this shit anymore. I don’t know any men that have experienced this, the shit women have to put up with due to other people’s insecurities.

Honestly you did the right thing, when they go low you go high. Confronting her would make you look so teenage and daft.

I completely agree!
I’m glad you didn’t say anything but I would have really struggled to bite my tongue. If it was me I’d have to send her a message today and just say you overheard her saying something but didn’t want to confront her as you didn’t want to put a downer on the night but you want to know what her issue is?

I’m trying to think what grown women would say they dislike someone like that like an actual teenager! Surely if you don’t like someone you tell them to their face or leave instead of being a bitch about it.

@amylou8

Are you younger/slim/pretty? Usually the problem when something like this happens. It gets better once you're middle aged and the menopausal weight goes on. Absolutely just ignore it and be nice.

Strange. I've been targeted by somebody at one job who was younger, slim and absolutely drop dead gorgeous. I can't imagine for a single moment she thought I was any threat to her - mainly because her primary complaint was that I was so fat and ugly she didn't want to have to look at me.

I have had so many people over the course of my lifetime tell me that people don’t like me because I’m pretty.

That will be it. It’s pathetic how some people (females) act when they see an attractive female.
I know it’s hard for you but just remember this is their problem not yours and you don’t want to be friends with someone who are such massive twats!