To be upset this woman was bitchy towards me all night?

[Cherrysummer]

I went out with a few friends last night, one of my friends brought a few others, including one women who I’ve met loads over the years and have always been fine with.

I say always been fine with, I saw her at a party a few weeks ago and noticed she was a bit ‘off’ but there was no reason as to why so I tried to not take it personally and tbh haven’t really thought that much of it.

Last night, within 5 minutes of turning up, I heard this woman say to 2 others ‘I just don’t like her, I don’t know why.’ And heard the 2 others say ‘which one is it, which one don’t you like?’ My friend was talking to me but I was pretty in tune to this conversation and could see them all looking over at me out of the corner of my eye. I sat there thinking wtf?! I’ve known her for years, everything’s always been fine, I’ve never been anything but nice and kind to her.

All night she was throwing me dirty looks, I’d never met the 2 women she came with before but met both throughout the evening and they were distinctly cold and again, I could just see them giving me dirty looks all the time.

I didn’t say anything to anyone as I didn’t want any drama and to spoil anyone else’s evening but it really spoiled my evening. I was upset when I got home, told DH and he said I should’ve confronted her, I said I know but I didn’t have any hard proof she was talking about me and she’d have just denied it I’m sure.

The trouble is, this isn’t the first time someone has taken a dislike to me for no reason. It’s happened Id say about 5 times over the course of my life, I can hand on heart say I haven’t ever done anything to these women but they’ve all seemed to hate me and relish telling everyone and have tried to alienate me from others.

DH upset me last night and said ‘it’s because you’re too nice, they see it as a weakness and you are a bit meek with confrontation you have to admit so you’re an easy target. You do need to toughen up a bit and start standing up for yourself.’

I know he’s right to a degree, but you know what, I know, with confidence that I haven’t ever done anything to the woman in Q last night, or to any of the other women who’ve taken issue with me over the years, my only crime has been being polite and friendly to them and so I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like I want to give them the reaction they so desperately want. Why should I put myself through the emotional stress of confrontation when I haven’t done anything wrong and they’re just being bitchy twats? Last night, in the end, every time I came into contact with this women I was OVERLY nice because I thought fuck it, she’s being ridiculous, she knows she is, hopefully it’ll make her see what a knob she’s being. She was visibly irritated by me being nice to her, you could see it on her face.

I just felt really stupid and belittled and I’m not sure if anyone else noticed these 3 being funny with me, but if they did no one called them out or said anything.

This woman has bitched about so many women to me in the past though. Last year she started crying to me, saying that a lady we both know is always funny with her when she sees her, alienates her from the group etc. Funnily enough, I’d had the same experience with this women so consoled her and sympathised with her. How ironic considering last night she then did exactly the same to me.

I know this all sounds really pathetic and teenager, we’re in our 30’s for God’s sake. I just feel really upset by it as it ruined what was otherwise a good evening for me and I’m dreading seeing this woman again.

I really feel like I need to do an assertiveness course or something too because too often I’m seen as the easy target and quite frankly I’ve had enough

@EarthSight

I know exactly what you mean... its horrible to witness too.. as no matter what the well presented colleague did.. this person would be gunning for her ... appalling 🌸

I do think some women have a problem with good looking women. My neighbour considers herself amazing looking but is really nasty to or about any attractive women and I've noticed all of her friends are people that she would consider less attractive than her.

But then, some covert scapegoaters feel validated by the friendship of better looking people.

The women who've done this to me have all been fairly average like myself and they have definitely kissed up and kicked down.

They have two personalities on the go. One kiss up lovely charming personality for people whose approval will validate them and one kick down personality for people whose place is beneath them.

@OhHeyItsSaturday

I do think some women have a problem with good looking women. My neighbour considers herself amazing looking but is really nasty to or about any attractive women and I've noticed all of her friends are people that she would consider less attractive than her.

Some women, yes. Not many, in my experience...and funnily, those who do usually seem to be very good looking themselves rather than bitter, jealous mingers. Those who fall very far outside the beauty ideal tend to know it and just accept it with grace. People don't tend to compete in things they know they can't win.

At any rate, this woman has form for bitching and it seems unlikely that every target was a stunner. When someone's established themselves as a thoroughly unpleasant person, it shouldn't surprise anyone if they become the new object of the ire.

Still, what the husband said about being "too nice", coupled with OP's attempt to communicate the message "you are a knob" with excessive levels of insincere sweetness, stuck out to me. I know there are posters falling over each other to suggest that this must mean I'm too terrible a human to conceive of true kindness, but tbh I'm not sure I'd care to be on the receiving end of these people's idea of "nice". I mean, when the outcome you're looking for is to make the other person feel bad somehow, how nice are you being?

Far better, in my view, to either ignore, maintain normal levels of civility that aren't intended to provoke some kind of response, or even have an honest and straightforward conversation. (I'd probably do the first two, to be fair.)

This is definitely a standard case of jealousy (you say it's prettiness, and you are probably right, but not only this, you are also sweet and kind along with it, and this probably really annoys the unkind and insecure people)

Don't waste your breath trying to be assertive with people like this, they don't deserve your energy.

Just be yourself, be polite and friendly, but very wary of them. Don't expect genuine friendship from them. Avoid them if you can.

You'll encounter lots of people like that in life (and on MN too!) try and develop a tougher skin so you know it's not about you, it's about their own insecurities.

@QueenBee52
if you don't know what dirty looks are then you've been thankfully very isolated

I don't know what people are referring to when they say "dirty looks", no. I may have received them but not characterised them as "dirty". So are you able to clarify or not?

@HyggeTygge, in my case last night, it was really cold, hard stares, narrowed eyes, tight lips, slightly wrinkled noses (this isn’t their natural ‘resting’ face) looking me up and down.

It sounds as though she looked rabid. I'm surprised people weren't concerned.

[quote Cherrysummer]@HyggeTygge, in my case last night, it was really cold, hard stares, narrowed eyes, tight lips, slightly wrinkled noses (this isn’t their natural ‘resting’ face) looking me up and down.[/quote]
Steam coming out of her ears too?

@debwong, pretty much!

Some people are just like that. And yes, the OTT extra nice response was probably the best reaction, especially if others saw that, as it probably made her look nasty.

[quote Cherrysummer]@HyggeTygge, in my case last night, it was really cold, hard stares, narrowed eyes, tight lips, slightly wrinkled noses (this isn’t their natural ‘resting’ face) looking me up and down.[/quote]
They sounds nuts op.
Just avoid them.
Really unpleasant but not worth your energy trying to figure out people like this.

Well she's obviously mad then. Presumably everyone else would have noticed something that deranged going on. And anything that was an attempt to provoke her further - be that saccharine niceness intended to tell her she's a knob, or a full on priest-and-incense attempt at an exorcism - is only going to make things worse.

Just avoid and keep contact to a minimum in future. Why is a crazy woman who hates everyone your problem?

OP I'm sitting here trying to make that face
What a loony! (Her)

Are you very pretty ? Have lovely hair or an amazing figure ? I bet they are jealous .. honestly some women are so weird and take a disliking to you is likely more about them than you !

Sounds like playground drama. Girls used to do this to me at school and I think it was jealousy. Not because I’m some sort of goddess or anything but because I didn’t really fit in to any of their cliques and actually wasn’t bothered about it even remotely, I just did my own thing. I think some women find women like this a threat for some reason. May just be as simple as her thinking you’re more attractive than her and she feels insecure. Hard to say but I wouldn’t lose sleep over it, she needs to get a life.

one of my friends brought a few others

So why not speak to the friend who invited her, and ask friend what she thinks about why the woman was so rude and doesn't like you? Surely your friend should be given the heads up about this woman anyway, so maybe she can choose not to invite that woman when you're there in the future or something?

My first though was I bet you're good looking. Don't let them change you OP. You're not 'too' nice because you won't let them drag you down to their level.

I don't know what people are referring to when they say "dirty looks", no. I may have received them but not characterised them as "dirty". So are you able to clarify or not?

Only one thing worse than women who are jealous and bitch over others and that is women who pretend it doesn't go on, in some kind of weird sisterhood thing.

Yes, it is strange when people refuse to acknowledge that this happens.

I find that weird too.

“Dirty look” - a look that is the opposite of warm, open and friendly. One of contempt, disdain, intolerance, irritation, displeasure. It’s not an uncommon phrase.

Should have done an @HyggeTygge :)