To be upset this woman was bitchy towards me all night?

[Cherrysummer]

I went out with a few friends last night, one of my friends brought a few others, including one women who I’ve met loads over the years and have always been fine with.

I say always been fine with, I saw her at a party a few weeks ago and noticed she was a bit ‘off’ but there was no reason as to why so I tried to not take it personally and tbh haven’t really thought that much of it.

Last night, within 5 minutes of turning up, I heard this woman say to 2 others ‘I just don’t like her, I don’t know why.’ And heard the 2 others say ‘which one is it, which one don’t you like?’ My friend was talking to me but I was pretty in tune to this conversation and could see them all looking over at me out of the corner of my eye. I sat there thinking wtf?! I’ve known her for years, everything’s always been fine, I’ve never been anything but nice and kind to her.

All night she was throwing me dirty looks, I’d never met the 2 women she came with before but met both throughout the evening and they were distinctly cold and again, I could just see them giving me dirty looks all the time.

I didn’t say anything to anyone as I didn’t want any drama and to spoil anyone else’s evening but it really spoiled my evening. I was upset when I got home, told DH and he said I should’ve confronted her, I said I know but I didn’t have any hard proof she was talking about me and she’d have just denied it I’m sure.

The trouble is, this isn’t the first time someone has taken a dislike to me for no reason. It’s happened Id say about 5 times over the course of my life, I can hand on heart say I haven’t ever done anything to these women but they’ve all seemed to hate me and relish telling everyone and have tried to alienate me from others.

DH upset me last night and said ‘it’s because you’re too nice, they see it as a weakness and you are a bit meek with confrontation you have to admit so you’re an easy target. You do need to toughen up a bit and start standing up for yourself.’

I know he’s right to a degree, but you know what, I know, with confidence that I haven’t ever done anything to the woman in Q last night, or to any of the other women who’ve taken issue with me over the years, my only crime has been being polite and friendly to them and so I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like I want to give them the reaction they so desperately want. Why should I put myself through the emotional stress of confrontation when I haven’t done anything wrong and they’re just being bitchy twats? Last night, in the end, every time I came into contact with this women I was OVERLY nice because I thought fuck it, she’s being ridiculous, she knows she is, hopefully it’ll make her see what a knob she’s being. She was visibly irritated by me being nice to her, you could see it on her face.

I just felt really stupid and belittled and I’m not sure if anyone else noticed these 3 being funny with me, but if they did no one called them out or said anything.

This woman has bitched about so many women to me in the past though. Last year she started crying to me, saying that a lady we both know is always funny with her when she sees her, alienates her from the group etc. Funnily enough, I’d had the same experience with this women so consoled her and sympathised with her. How ironic considering last night she then did exactly the same to me.

I know this all sounds really pathetic and teenager, we’re in our 30’s for God’s sake. I just feel really upset by it as it ruined what was otherwise a good evening for me and I’m dreading seeing this woman again.

I really feel like I need to do an assertiveness course or something too because too often I’m seen as the easy target and quite frankly I’ve had enough

Sometimes, people take a dislike to you. It's not nice if you are the sort of person who genuinely wants to get on with everybody else, but it can happen. Personality classes, irrationality, insecurity, prejudice... there can be all sorts of motives behind it.

Life's too short to over think it. It's reasonable for it to make you look at yourself and your behaviour, in case it IS something you're doing - but I wouldn't spend too long doing it. If you find you are able to get along with 90% of people perfectly well, I'd let the 10% pass you by.
If you're finding you can only get along with 50% of people, then that's another matter.

Don't worry about it. People who go around telling others who they dislike are usually not nice people. There are folks I don't like, but I wouldn't make a point of saying so to other people.

@Cherrysummer Similar cohort on MN - some just love to find what’s wrong with you! (likely nothing, actually...........)

I am starting to find the word "nice" very grating.

What DrSbaitso said. It sounds like you act fake nice and also bitch about others, but when it’s turned on you you act clueless, but then you’ve played the “I’m so pretty” card.

I’m pretty too OP, and look after myself, dress well, always get attention from men, even now I’m in my mid 30s and walk around with a baby, etc etc, but I’ve never had people dislike me because I’m pretty... I’ve had people bitch about me for other reasons, but so be it. That’s such a weak excuse that people throw around when quite simply, some people just don’t warm to you. You need to grow up and accept that’s life.

I just felt really stupid and belittled and I’m not sure if anyone else noticed these 3 being funny with me, but if they did no one called them out or said anything

I have been in your situation with one woman ignoring me in a wider social circle. It was done quite deliberately and subtly. But it’s noticeable and made me feel awful. I tried to speak to her about it, ask her if I had upset her. Like a mug i invited her to parties where she blanked me!

I spoke to my friends about it and they said that they didn’t notice it. This went on for months. Then this woman lied and said I tried to kick her.

Now anyone that knows me I would never in a million years hit/punch/kick anyone. Ever. So that woke everyone up to her being a cow. And now she longer gets invited anywhere as it’s largely accepted that she’s horrible and she’s the one with the problem.

[quote Cherrysummer]@DrSbaitso, I have NOT said it’s because of how I look. Please stop trying to push your own narrative here. I’ve said it’s definitely something to do with my personality, because you know what, no-one’s perfect in terms of personality, including you![/quote]
You're the one who said it's because people tell you that you're pretty. It's opened the door to posters banging on about 'jealousy' and that's now the vein of the thread.

It was a distracting statement from you and it's moved the thread in another direction.

Uh oh! You’ve committed a cardinal sin, being a woman who is a aware she is attractive.
Just ignore her, and the silly posters on here. You don’t need their validation. You have friends. You’re happily married. You don’t need to be ripped apart by strangers on the internet to know you’re a good person 😊

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe, I mentioned that because a few posters had previously suggested this was the reason why, I don’t think it is, and I’m sick of that line getting trotted out, like it’s an acceptable excuse. I only mentioned my looks because other people had and tbh, I can guarantee that if I brought last night up with one of my friends, that that’s probably the excuse they’d come up with. Because people can’t just be honest and say what’s truly wrong.

‘I just don’t like her, I don’t know why’
You are triggering her in some way, if she can’t pin point what she's doesn’t like about you. Probably your ‘niceness’ .
I often find that people that take issue with ‘niceness’ and label it fake and insincere, either have trouble accepting that people can be kind and genuine with no motive, because they are not kind and genuine without motive, or because they have been around a lot unpleasant people and the concept jars against their world view.
It absolutely says more about her, than it does you.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken Yes, because how dare a woman own that she’s pretty... It’s attitudes like yours that perpetuate the concept that women are just jealous of other things pretty women. The vast majority of women over 20 don’t behave like that...

@NCJuly2021. I’m not ‘fake nice’ I take people at face value and am nice until I’m given a reason not to be, the whole point of this thread is that I haven’t actually done anything to this woman ever to give her a reason not to be. It’s come completely random and out of the blue.

It is possible to not like someone without overtly letting them know.

@DrSbaitso

DH upset me last night and said ‘it’s because you’re too nice, they see it as a weakness and you are a bit meek with confrontation you have to admit so you’re an easy target. You do need to toughen up a bit and start standing up for yourself.’...

...Last night, in the end, every time I came into contact with this women I was OVERLY nice because I thought fuck it, she’s being ridiculous, she knows she is, hopefully it’ll make her see what a knob she’s being. She was visibly irritated by me being nice to her, you could see it on her face.

Well this is what jumped out at me, OP. It sounds to me as though she thinks you're insincere and passive aggressive, and you use "being nice" as a weapon. And from this, it also sounds as though she's right.

I'm not suggesting you should have had some sort of confrontation with her under these circumstances (I'd have just avoided her, I think, or just stayed normal rather than amping up some insincerity to play a weird power game), but you may want to think about why you're "nice" and what sort of "niceness" it is. I don't know if it's seen as "weakness" to be taken advantage of as such - I mean, I can't see what she would gain from that. But I can certainly see from what you've said how it could be taken as insincere passive aggression designed in such a way that you can't be accused of anything because you're so NICE.

I tend to agree with this. "Being nice" when its false tends to come across as manipulative -trying to control how others behave towards you. You cant control this woman. Only your own behaviour. Instead of being " nice" set boundaries.

The first one being that you actually have no idea that she was talking about you, she might have been but why jump to that conclusion?
Assume it could be anyone and take it as a warning to keep away.
If she is overtly nasty then keep away dont go straight to her trying to persuade her by being nice!
Madness! Why would you do that?
Would you go and sweet talk a shark? No

I think it would be really helpful if you looked up The Shark Cage
Did you have a childhood where your needs and boundaries were ignored OP?

@Atalune I would think it likely most people have been in a situation where we are crystal clear that a person doesn't like us. I'm not pretty, but I am very confident which also has a polarising effect. At this point it's down to style and good manners to get through the evening as quickly and seamlessly as possible, and add their name to your laminatedMust Avoid list.

[quote Cherrysummer]@NCJuly2021. I’m not ‘fake nice’ I take people at face value and am nice until I’m given a reason not to be, the whole point of this thread is that I haven’t actually done anything to this woman ever to give her a reason not to be. It’s come completely random and out of the blue.

It is possible to not like someone without overtly letting them know.[/quote]
I agree with you completely, as I already said, there was no need for bitchy behaviour. That was immature.

But you yourself admit that you were fake nice to her, which just added to the “drama. Just ignore people like that. If someone doesn’t like you, don’t give them the time of day, why bother?

Maybe get a better group of friends, Cherrysummer, ones that will actually be straight with you and not blow smoke up your bottom?

I wouldn't have a group of friends of either sex - I'm better one-on-one and have a couple of very close friends who I'd do anything for - and a couple of good friends who I've met through activities. I don't want or need more than that.

We're all different, some like socialising in groups, some prefer smaller meet-ups. Different strokes for different folks as my gran always said.

If you are attractive AND nice, you're too good to be true in some folks eyes. That might be behind some of her thinking.

There are a couple of folks I'm not keen on - one who is rather loud (she's a lovely woman, just loud and I don't like loud people), and another is a man who is just very touchy feely (I'm a man and give me the creeps!). Both of these might be considered petty reasons for not being keen on someone.

Blanking people is just rude and childish. Whispering in corners about not liking you is just vindictive.

I have had so many people over the course of my lifetime tell me that people don’t like me because I’m pretty
what bullshit.

In my experience a lot of these (men and women) who claim to be so beautiful are also vane and insincere on the inside.

“They’re jealous of me because I’m pretty” is catty and bitchy when in actual fact you sound full of yourself which is, to be blunt, ample enough reason not to like you.

Invariably when someone says “so many people just don’t like me for no apparent reason” it’s usually you, and not them.

@AlternativePerspective, wow, you sound pleasant!

I have never known anybody admit to disliking someone because they are pretty. That might be the real reason, but who ever admits that? let alone tell you to your face.

It's far more common for an attractive person to be accused of being 'full of themselves' and THAT is the what people say they don't like about someone. I genuinely have heard anybody say 'I don't like them because they are attractive'.

5 times over your whole life is nothing. Please don't start thinking it's anything you do.

*haven't heard

It's just part of social surfing isnt it? I helped myself come to grips with it by recalling how it feels when someone I'm not into keeps trying with me. I dislike it. I dont think of them, I'm busy. So when I sense someone doesn't like me, I act how I'd like a person who I dont like to act.

I've also been practicing skills socially. How to slide off if needs be, making wise choices in the moment, remembering that I'm creating my social worth with my behaviour. I've had problems being assertive and have made progress with that.

Its surfing. Take it easy. So what if she doesn't like you? Maybe 7 out of 10 will, and we're all playing by that rule. Move along. Theres nothing wrong with you xxx

yep 5 times is nothing.

90% like you? - you're doing fine.
10% like you? - it's you.

Op please don’t change yourself, there is nothing wrong with being nice but there is something wrong with people who believe all niceness to be fake. I have been called too nice before on here as a criticism, if that is the worst thing about me then I can live with it. There is plenty of room of amenable people in the world, there is so much attention given to those shouting and being combative. Her opinion of you is so unimportant at the end of the day, if you treat people like she does, eventually everyone will drift away, trust me, I have seen it happen.

[quote Cherrysummer]@AlternativePerspective, wow, you sound pleasant![/quote]
This is exactly the type of response that the woman at the party might give.

Don’t give it a moment’s thought x