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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where are kids supposed to play?

338 replies

lazylump72 · 18/07/2021 08:05

Hi
I am having a bit of a barny with my DH and well quite frankly he is trying to be thoughtful of the neighbours etc and he does work 12 he shifts but
whilst I do think he has a point and I might be being a bit unreasonable
I don't know how to approach this so thought I would see from the wise mumsnetters where you stand on this,All suggestions will be helpful!
So it's the start of the school holidays,beautiful weather,garden full of toys and pool out,happy days!This is the first year our DD 9 yes has has friends on our estate and it's wonderful.Thereis a little group of 5 and they get on amazingly and play really well,They have been round our house in the garden playing for a week,They are safe and enclosed and well a bit demanding and noisy.I get this,I do I have to sit and listen to it but they are having such a Fab time safely and under supervision I have no issues except I will try to shut them up when it gets too loud! Now I am the one listening to it all day not DH he is at work but he gets home and the garden is full of kids and he doesn;t want it, I am trying to find a balance here but what do I do? There is nowhere else for the kids to play,I don't want them out on the road it's not safe,I don't mind them here really.Its not ideal for the neighbours either but it's summer,.Am I being the neighbours from hell? Where do your kids and their friends play? Given there ages of 8 and 9 years Ithought I was doing the right thing...am I? Do people expect quiet between 11 and 7 ish? I know it's a pain hearing kids for a lot of people but where do you all stand on this?

OP posts:
Snailhaterz · 18/07/2021 08:58

One of my neighbours is a bit like you with kids of a similar age, but its because they have a slide and swing in their back garden, and also put out a decent sized paddling pool. So, yup, its become the place that all the similar aged children gravitate to. One of the things they do, which I'd suggest you try, is break it up a bit by taking your child out. It could be to the park or swimming pool. That'll stop all the other children and their parents from getting into the habit of coming round to yours. Also, be firm about acceptable noise levels/behaviour - so if there's something you don't allow your own child to do, stop visiting children from doing it as well. If the parents find that a problem, then tough - your garden, your rules! And, don't feed them - provide them with water but send them home for snacks and nicer stuff.

StrangeToSee · 18/07/2021 08:59

As long as they’re not screaming, screeching or shouting I don’t think it’s unreasonable noise.

WildfirePonie · 18/07/2021 08:59

Wow, so you're providing free childcare for 8 hours a day?!

No wonder they don't reciprocate! They won't like you going out next week, you're now expected to childmind for 8 hours a day! I bet they will say they don't have anyone to babysit while they work, and you'll end up doing this every half term / summer holidays.

Ellpellwood · 18/07/2021 09:00

Oh and if DH just thinks he should be able to 'relax' when he gets home cos he's been 'working' all day then he can join the people who think children shouldn't play in their own gardens.

I don't think it's fair to put 'working' in inverted commas when the OP says he gets up at 4am for a 7 hour shift, do you?

saraclara · 18/07/2021 09:01

@StrangeToSee

As long as they’re not screaming, screeching or shouting I don’t think it’s unreasonable noise.
Five nine year olds with a pool and a trampoline? I'd be surprised if there's no shouting and screaming!
Ellpellwood · 18/07/2021 09:01

*12 hour shift until 7pm

NakedAttraction · 18/07/2021 09:01

@lazylump72

Yes I do fed them and give drinks etc sort of picnics on the grass kind of thing,Doesnt really cost anything a few sandwiches,crisps and maybe an icecream but I only do that cos I am doing it for my daughter's lunch so a few extra doesn't matter really.
Every day?

You cannot possibly live near that many CFs and your daughter happens to be friends with all their kids.

And I’d be fuming if I got back from work to that every day.

IveNameChangedAgain2020 · 18/07/2021 09:01

I'm going to go massively against the grain here. My children now 24 and 16 used to have practically the whole street at ours and it was so lovely. They enjoyed the pool, had nerf fights, cycled outside etc.

Never once did any of the neighbours reciprocate- in actual fact they began to line up outside our house first thing with their kids and towels. I absolutely hated the parents attitude and fell out with one because of her CF but I'd never change being the house that everyone came to because all the kids had SO much fun and they all remember it even now.

If you live in a residential street, the kids playing outside or in your garden will make zero difference. As a parent your husband needs to put the needs of his child and happiness first.

I do think this is a culture / takes a village to raise a child issue. And that's okay. Each to their own.

saraclara · 18/07/2021 09:01

@Ellpellwood

Oh and if DH just thinks he should be able to 'relax' when he gets home cos he's been 'working' all day then he can join the people who think children shouldn't play in their own gardens.

I don't think it's fair to put 'working' in inverted commas when the OP says he gets up at 4am for a 7 hour shift, do you?

It's a 12 hour shift!
Ellpellwood · 18/07/2021 09:02

@Saraclara I corrected underneath.

NakedAttraction · 18/07/2021 09:02

@StrangeToSee

As long as they’re not screaming, screeching or shouting I don’t think it’s unreasonable noise.
You clearly don’t know any kids!
Greenwateringcan · 18/07/2021 09:02

There will be shouting and screaming with nine year olds and a pool and a trampoline for sure.

Have some consideration for your immediate neighbours.

I’m getting anxiety even reading this never mind living next door to it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/07/2021 09:02

The other kids' parents are totally taking the piss. Not only are they using you for free childcare, you are also feeding their children! And they haven't even offered to reciprocate?

Cheeky fuckers! Time to have a rethink.

Your neighbours must be sick of the noise and I totally get that when your DH gets home after what is a very long day, that he doesn't want a garden full of other peoples' squalling brats, to put it bluntly.

megletthesecond · 18/07/2021 09:02

It would be better to be shared among other gardens but I assume.your garden is more fun?
We were the only house in the street without a trampoline so no one wanted to play in our garden.
You need to set a time limit though and send then home.

I'm next to a play area and have to return footballs most days, plus noise, and I couldn't care less. I'm glad they're out there. I just shut my window when I'm in a meeting.

warmfluffytowels · 18/07/2021 09:03

If you live in a residential street, the kids playing outside or in your garden will make zero difference. As a parent your husband needs to put the needs of his child and happiness first.

Of course it makes a difference - if they're playing in the street, you don't have to pay for their food, drink and ice cream for the entire summer.

RubyGoat · 18/07/2021 09:04

You have a load of the neighbours kids for 8+ hours a day, feed them & provide entertainment, for free, 5 days a week, & you were anticipating doing this all summer? Their parents are taking you for a mug & your NDNs probably hate you by now.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 18/07/2021 09:05

Are they friends? Or do you need to give them access to the pool, swings, games consoles and nice snacks? Are you worried that if this stops they won't be quite so interested in playing with your daughter!

MrsAlexanderHamilton · 18/07/2021 09:05

OP, I think you are being massively unreasonable. If I’ve got this right your DH gets up at 4am and doesn’t get home until 7pm (something like that anyway)? And when he gets home there are various neighbour’s kids in the garden who have been there all day? If this was the other way round people would be telling you to LTB! I really do think it’s hugely disrespectful to your DH and your neighbours.

The absolute minimum you should be doing is setting timescales, eg, they can come from 10am - 1pm then 2-5pm. They should absolutely have gone home before your DH gets home. There is simply no need for them to be there into the evening, whether you don’t mind or not. Your DH obviously does and I bet your neighbours do too.

Give them some peace for heavens sake!

Blossomtoes · 18/07/2021 09:07

@warmfluffytowels

If you live in a residential street, the kids playing outside or in your garden will make zero difference. As a parent your husband needs to put the needs of his child and happiness first.

Of course it makes a difference - if they're playing in the street, you don't have to pay for their food, drink and ice cream for the entire summer.

Why are you making an issue of this aspect when OP doesn’t mind and can obviously afford it? It’s not a horde of teenagers descending on the fridge like a plague of locusts - now that was expensive!
Original poster
lazylump72 · 18/07/2021 09:07

@saraclara

I guess if your up from 4am and get in at 7,30 PM you maybe need some peace

You "guess" and "maybe"?
Jeeeze, your DH really is bottom of the pile isn't he?
Of course he needs some peace with his own family. I can't imagine working that kind of schedule and coming home at 7:30 to a garden full of other people's kids every day.

The tone of your posts is incredibly naive and lacking in empathy. You need to get a backbone and consider other adults.

IAM not lacking empathy.I came to ask if I was being unreasonable towards our neighbours. I didn't want to upset them due to my actions at all and if I was I would be mortified, Non of the neighbours have expressed anything I was just trying to gauge if I needed to preempt this becoming an issue for them, As for the DH I wasnt being naive Ijust didn't so much see his issue as when he arrives home the kids are getting ready to wind things down and leave,,he doesn't have them he is out I do! I asked for other people's views so as not to cause a problem during the holiday,,,not totally lacking in empathy maybe just a bit clueless though!!
OP posts:
warmfluffytowels · 18/07/2021 09:09

Why are you making an issue of this aspect when OP doesn’t mind and can obviously afford it? It’s not a horde of teenagers descending on the fridge like a plague of locusts - now that was expensive!

Well, if she's happy to be taken for a mug by providing free food and childcare all summer, then more fool her Hmm

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/07/2021 09:09

The kids sound a bit feral really. I mean, parenting was a bit like that in the 70s but my mum always knew where we were, they were good friends with the neighbours (who were the parents of the kids we played with), told us to come back home for lunch and tea, and expected us to ask, not assume, if they wanted any of their friends to stay for lunch. Sometimes Mum said yes, sometimes she said "sorry, not today, I need to do a food shop so there's not enough for extras".
There was an unwritten rule that we wouldn't spend one whole day in someone's garden, if we wanted to spend the whole day playing together, we spent a bit of time in one kid's garden, a bit of time in another's, walked up to the park for an hour or went to the shop for a 10p mix (!), or played in the street for a bit (I know that's more difficult in most streets these days with the traffic). There was just general consideration and thought for all. No-one took advantage. Everyone appreciated an individual parent going "above and beyond" eg minding kids all day if they had to go to work, and would buy a little present for the mum who was minding them, or reciprocate on another day. None of that is happening in your situation, OP. I know you're happy that your daughter is happy but you're being taken for a mug by the other parents.

All those sandwiches, crisps, juice or whatever, if it's every day for extra people, well it soon adds up. No wonder the other kids' parents are happy for them to be in your house! They get free holiday childcare with lunch included!

Greenwateringcan · 18/07/2021 09:10

I work hard. Long hours. I work from home.

Can you not imagine what it’s like to listen to a pack of kids next door all day on a trampoline with the repetitive bounce and scream and yell and a bloody pool with the splashing and screeching.

And all you want to do is sit outside and relax.

I would be so over it already.

MarianneUnfaithful · 18/07/2021 09:11

From a neighbour’s POV I think children playing is fine.

What is not fine us children developing a habit of screaming and shrieking non stop for the hell of it. They can play happily and have fun without ear splitting squealing.

Talk to your children calmly about this, they are old enough to understand that noise has an impact in the people around them.

Laughing, talking, lovely. Squealing: not.

mm8989 · 18/07/2021 09:11

I host like you OP, but a more toned down version. Once or twice a week for a group of 4 and a single friend twice a week at most. (school holidays) I make sure they leave before five. your husband doesn't deserve to come home to it (especially as he has stated he doesn't like it)

But as the poster above said there's lots fun had in our garden and the children will always remember that. Plus I have lots of happy memories.

As children we played out on the street, we can't do that here, so I host. Just get some boundaries in.