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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where are kids supposed to play?

338 replies

lazylump72 · 18/07/2021 08:05

Hi
I am having a bit of a barny with my DH and well quite frankly he is trying to be thoughtful of the neighbours etc and he does work 12 he shifts but
whilst I do think he has a point and I might be being a bit unreasonable
I don't know how to approach this so thought I would see from the wise mumsnetters where you stand on this,All suggestions will be helpful!
So it's the start of the school holidays,beautiful weather,garden full of toys and pool out,happy days!This is the first year our DD 9 yes has has friends on our estate and it's wonderful.Thereis a little group of 5 and they get on amazingly and play really well,They have been round our house in the garden playing for a week,They are safe and enclosed and well a bit demanding and noisy.I get this,I do I have to sit and listen to it but they are having such a Fab time safely and under supervision I have no issues except I will try to shut them up when it gets too loud! Now I am the one listening to it all day not DH he is at work but he gets home and the garden is full of kids and he doesn;t want it, I am trying to find a balance here but what do I do? There is nowhere else for the kids to play,I don't want them out on the road it's not safe,I don't mind them here really.Its not ideal for the neighbours either but it's summer,.Am I being the neighbours from hell? Where do your kids and their friends play? Given there ages of 8 and 9 years Ithought I was doing the right thing...am I? Do people expect quiet between 11 and 7 ish? I know it's a pain hearing kids for a lot of people but where do you all stand on this?

OP posts:
warmfluffytowels · 18/07/2021 08:37

@lazylump72

Yes I do fed them and give drinks etc sort of picnics on the grass kind of thing,Doesnt really cost anything a few sandwiches,crisps and maybe an icecream but I only do that cos I am doing it for my daughter's lunch so a few extra doesn't matter really.
You're paying for five times as much food as you would be normally - and it's only July!

Why are you being such a pushover? Send these kids home for their meals. Providing water or the odd cheap ice lolly is fine - don't keep giving them free lunches and teas.

No wonder their parents don't want to reciprocate - you're saving them an absolute fortune Grin

purplesequins · 18/07/2021 08:37

all day every day is a bit much tbh.

having said that, where I am (not uk) children from about 7 play out on the (very quiet and quite street) and they also go to the nearby playground on their own.

TolkiensFallow · 18/07/2021 08:38

OP you’re being taken advantage of. The other parents should reciprocate.

It’s not unreasonable for your DP to come home and want a bit of peace but also he better be participating with parenting at times.

It sounds relentless on your neighbours.

RampantIvy · 18/07/2021 08:38

It sounds like the other parents are taking your free childcare for granted. Can you sow the seeds of the idea in the children that they play in different gardens on different days of the week?

Pottedpalm · 18/07/2021 08:39

@lazylump72

Thank you so much for all your input it is really valuable for me to see the different views, I think a retink on my part is called for. I didn't want to be a Burden on my neighbours at all but I can see how this would happen over a prolonged period of time. Also really I did fall soft cos Ijust really wanted my daughter to be safe and happy, I do get where DH is coming from but hate to admit it!!! He is Fab I guess if your up from 4am and get in at 7,30 PM you maybe need some peace. His argument was he would like some family time just the 3 of us and a nice quiet chilled time before bed where we can have dinner in peace and maybe watch a DVD or play a game with our daughter without the door knocking with kids wanting to play. I will look at it again and see what's more reasonable and also address my issues of letting my daughter grow and explore a bit too but not promising that bit will be easy,Thank you all so much for your advice,
Is this a reverse? You see his point of view so well. And 7:30! Of course they should be home! Are you feeding them their evening meal too?
Original poster
lazylump72 · 18/07/2021 08:41

@purplesequins

all day every day is a bit much tbh.

having said that, where I am (not uk) children from about 7 play out on the (very quiet and quite street) and they also go to the nearby playground on their own.

Think this is what it all boils down to really ..maybe my inability to let her enjoy some freedom like a playground.You hear such terrible things and it's when to know when to let go and bit, That is my issues really and maybe I am projecting my fear and making this situation to cover my worries,
OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 18/07/2021 08:41

@Howcanthisbe123

Your oh sounds moany, it’s the school holidays, you don’t get to come home from work and relax, you get to come home from work and parent. Relaxing is for when they are in bed.
He doesn’t need to come home and run a holiday playscheme every night.
QuillBill · 18/07/2021 08:41

I wouldn’t want to come home from a twelve hour shift and have children playing in my garden every day.

It’s fine to have these children over as much as you want as long as it’s ok with the other parents and your daughter is enjoying it but send them home so that they aren’t there every time your dh comes home. It’s his house too.

I don’t think that the other parents should have to have all of the children over at their houses just because you do. You haven’t started a community nursery!

Some parents wouldn’t be able to deal with this at all. Like you, I could do this every day with a load of kids but you are doing it so that your dd has a nice summer, you aren’t doing it so that you get childcare.

gogohm · 18/07/2021 08:42

If there's 5 kids, take it in turns. It's not a case of what the parents want, you need to stand up for yourself, you aren't their childminder. Not fair on neighbours if your house is loud everyday

Kerberos · 18/07/2021 08:43

I am on the fence with this one. On the one hand you know they're safe. Playing in the streets would worry me and it's nice to know your house is welcoming. On the other, the other parents should also offer to host the rabble.

PeonyTime · 18/07/2021 08:43

If your quiet from 11 to 7 question means 11pm to 7am, ie overnight, yes I absolutely dont expect to hear much, if anything, from my neighbours during those hours.
If you basically mean the afternoon, no, I don't expect quite, but I'd be rolling my eyes if most of the neighbourhood kids were in my neighbours garden everyday.

Muststopeating · 18/07/2021 08:43

Thia thread is so miserable.

@lazylump72 I think if you are happy and you're kids are happy then crack on. Yes, other parents should absolutely take their turns, but if they don't your only option is to say something outright (which I couldn't) or deprive your own kids.

I'm sure it will wind some of your neighbours up. But its the summer holidays and we live in the UK. Give it a few days and the weather will be too rubbish to be outside anyway. If it is a lot then maybe towards the end of the holidays pop a bottle and a little thanks for putting up with us note to acknowledge and leave it at that.

Even if it were just your 2 they'd be making a noise and anyone in the camp that thinks children shouldn't play in their own garden can fuck all the way off and then keep going.

I grew up in the house that everyone came to. My parents (almost never) complained. We lived in a tiny village where the water fights went on up and down the middle of the road but it would still be my mum with the pile of soggy towels. It carried on all the way through to secondary school where my friends from other villages ALWAYS came to our house to get ready etc. My mum did the lions share of driving everyone elses kids around, collecting drunken teens and making sure they were safe etc.

I had an incredible childhood because of it and as much as I know I'll complain I truly hope I can provide the same thing to my kids as they get older!

Oh and if DH just thinks he should be able to 'relax' when he gets home cos he's been 'working' all day then he can join the people who think children shouldn't play in their own gardens.

Kanaloa · 18/07/2021 08:44

I don’t think 5 kids is too many to be playing out - there’s always 4 in my garden as they’re all mine! As long as their aren’t shrieking or being too loud, some noise is reasonable when you have neighbours.

I do think your neighbours aren’t being very fair though, they’re happy for their kids to play at yours all day but don’t want yours and theirs?

Oblomov21 · 18/07/2021 08:44

Radius:

"What's your husband's problem? Is he annoyed that your hospitality isn't reciprocated? That he thinks you're being taken advantage of? Or just that he doesn't want kids in the garden when he gets home?"

Probably all 3. All 3 would hack me off. Grow a pair OP and don't let this happen every day. Once or Twice a week is more than enough! The other days they must okay at the other children's houses, or outside on your estate. And some days you will be doing your own thing presumably, be going out etc?

tootingbeclido · 18/07/2021 08:44

@Howcanthisbe123

Your oh sounds moany, it’s the school holidays, you don’t get to come home from work and relax, you get to come home from work and parent. Relaxing is for when they are in bed.
He gets up at 4 am home at 7.30. he should not have to come home and parent the neighbours kids
Zorinindustries · 18/07/2021 08:44

If you like you dd to have someone to play with every day, just invite one or 2 dc each day. That won't be half as noisy or disruptive to the neighbours, and will keep dd from getting bored.

And let them play inside the house too, in fact, insist they do for a few periods during the day.
That will give the neighbours a break from the noise, and the dc a chance to cool and calm down and keep out of the hottest part of the sun.

Hellocatshome · 18/07/2021 08:45

You hear such terrible things
Do you? What terrible things have you heard happening to 8/9 year olds at your local park? I live in a not very nice area and I havent heard of anything terrible happening to kids at the park during the day. Teenagers after dark when they have climbed over the locked gates to do drugs/drink maybe but kids at the park in the middle of the day when there are plenty of families around nope not heard any terrible things.

Peoniesandpeaches · 18/07/2021 08:45

All my friends kids just play on the estate. Occasionally they’ll go into someone’s garden or go inside to play but by and large they just play out front with the parents keeping the occasional eye out the window. I always kind of thought that was the benefit of living on an estate.

TidyDancer · 18/07/2021 08:45

What kind of play is there? If it's constantly loud or hours on a trampoline for eg then your neighbours must be tearing their hair out!

The other parents are clearly taking the piss with this 'arrangement'. You need to contact them and be firm but nice about it. If everyone took a day each, it would be fair to all.

Your DH is completely reasonable in what he's saying. Even if you had the children there every day it's insane that they're still there into the evening.

Howshouldibehave · 18/07/2021 08:45

Are you watching them all of the time? I wonder what the parents would say if one of the children was injured in your garden or pool? I wouldn’t want that level of responsibility for hours every day!

gogohm · 18/07/2021 08:46

And personally I would suggest sending any kids who are playing at your house home at tea time, certainly by 7, listen to your dh

SpiderinaWingMirror · 18/07/2021 08:47

NeNeighbour's kids went home when husband got home. He wasnt home til 6.30 ish though.
I'd cut the apron strings and let yours play out tbh.

ufucoffee · 18/07/2021 08:47

Children can play in gardens. As long as it's not early in the morning or late at night that's fine. Carry on doing what you're doing.

maddening · 18/07/2021 08:48

Yanbu, but it would be good if all the families took turns in supervising to spread the love (and squeals 😁)

MrsEko · 18/07/2021 08:49

It's not a case of what the parents want,

What! Of course it is!
You can't make other people have five children over because you have started inviting them over every day!

You can't start an impromptu childcare scheme and then expect others to fall in with it. That's madness.

And that's not why the OP has these dc over anyway. She's not trying to get childcare by stealth.

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