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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where are kids supposed to play?

338 replies

lazylump72 · 18/07/2021 08:05

Hi
I am having a bit of a barny with my DH and well quite frankly he is trying to be thoughtful of the neighbours etc and he does work 12 he shifts but
whilst I do think he has a point and I might be being a bit unreasonable
I don't know how to approach this so thought I would see from the wise mumsnetters where you stand on this,All suggestions will be helpful!
So it's the start of the school holidays,beautiful weather,garden full of toys and pool out,happy days!This is the first year our DD 9 yes has has friends on our estate and it's wonderful.Thereis a little group of 5 and they get on amazingly and play really well,They have been round our house in the garden playing for a week,They are safe and enclosed and well a bit demanding and noisy.I get this,I do I have to sit and listen to it but they are having such a Fab time safely and under supervision I have no issues except I will try to shut them up when it gets too loud! Now I am the one listening to it all day not DH he is at work but he gets home and the garden is full of kids and he doesn;t want it, I am trying to find a balance here but what do I do? There is nowhere else for the kids to play,I don't want them out on the road it's not safe,I don't mind them here really.Its not ideal for the neighbours either but it's summer,.Am I being the neighbours from hell? Where do your kids and their friends play? Given there ages of 8 and 9 years Ithought I was doing the right thing...am I? Do people expect quiet between 11 and 7 ish? I know it's a pain hearing kids for a lot of people but where do you all stand on this?

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 18/07/2021 13:31

You write and distribute by email a rota of who’s hosting the kids.
If others won’t take their turn you don’t invite the kid back
If everyone takes a turn less burden upon you, plus stop hosting for them all daily. The other parents are taking the piss. Seeing an opportunity and going fir it. Their kid, fed & watered and our house most of the day

As for the it’s hell for the work from home neighbours, that’s really not your concern. You cannot be expected to curtail kids school holiday activities and play because neighbour wfh and has calls and zoom.

ArcheryAnnie · 18/07/2021 13:46

and the garden is full of kids and he doesn;t want it

He's a grown man who had a child, presumably in the hope that his child will be happy and have friends. He can suck it up, or sort out alternatives. It needn't be all on you

You have arranged a happy, active, sociable life for your daughter. He is free to put the work in to arrange for that to happen somewhere else, if he doesn't want it in his own garden. The ball is in his court.

theweedonkeyfella · 18/07/2021 13:51

It's great you are thinking on some of the advice, hopefully you can make changes that help you, your DD & DH. The other parents do sound a bit 'CF threads in the making' so you would do well to nip being the default holiday club in the bud.

If you have decent neighbours to begin with, it is really worth being considerate to them too. If it really gets too much and they decide moving is their only option you could end up living alongside far worse neighbour problems yourself. Having decent neighbours is asset you can't put a value on these days.

Maggiesfarm · 18/07/2021 13:54

Mine used to play in the garden all the time with friends and neighbours, in poorer weather they were indoors. Your husband just has to put up with it; I don't know why he objects, he surely doesn't have to be constantly observing them and can sit down/hear television in the sitting room.

It's nice that they are having fun and at least they are not running around in the street like urchins which happens in some areas.

Mine are still friendly with neigbours' children now they are adult and some are parents themselves. They always talk about what fun they had as do their parents. They built camps, had concerts in the garden. It's something to look back on.

We're all quiet here now, it doesn't last forever.

SlothinSpirit · 18/07/2021 13:55

I think you sound lovely and "open house" once or twice a week is fine so long as you pack them off before your DH gets home. You don't have to be nasty, just a cheery, "Home time in 10 minutes, girls, we'll be getting ready for dinner soon." Then just tell them you'll be busy the next couple of days doing family stuff/trips out but they can come again on Wednesday or whenever is convenient for you if they like. So it's just about striking a balance... your DD doesn't need her friends there all day, every day.

a8mint · 18/07/2021 13:56

You say you don't really know these kids? Do you know their parents? Do you know if any have an allergy or medical condition? Have they given permission to play at yours?

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/07/2021 14:06

@ArcheryAnnie

and the garden is full of kids and he doesn;t want it

He's a grown man who had a child, presumably in the hope that his child will be happy and have friends. He can suck it up, or sort out alternatives. It needn't be all on you

You have arranged a happy, active, sociable life for your daughter. He is free to put the work in to arrange for that to happen somewhere else, if he doesn't want it in his own garden. The ball is in his court.

He’s up at 4am for work. Out for 12h shift. It’s really not unreasonable to not want a squad of kids in your garden at 7pm. To return home to your own home, bit of down time, catch up with family. Plus it is his home, he presumably pays, he’s got a say in how it is when he returns. An adult cannot be expected to forgo some quiet time from 7pm to accommodate the multiple children whom invites and accommodates at their home. He doesn’t need to be sucking anything up. His wife needs to be less of a passive doormat and say not today to the multiple children at her house. The other parents don’t even reciprocate, op is royally being walked all over Or the op changes her lifestyle and sucks up the 4am wake up and 12hour shifts that way
earthyfire · 18/07/2021 14:08

I wouldn't have it everyday no. Of course the other parents are happy for the setup because you're a free childcare service.

ArcheryAnnie · 18/07/2021 14:12

An adult cannot be expected to forgo some quiet time from 7pm to accommodate the multiple children whom invites and accommodates at their home.

He doesn't have to forego it. He just has to arrange an alternative. He's a parent too, and one who is (presumably) interested in his child being active and sociable.

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/07/2021 14:12

@earthyfire

I wouldn't have it everyday no. Of course the other parents are happy for the setup because you're a free childcare service.
Yup Thing it’s it is an absolute gift for the other parents. the Kid out house and they don’t reciprocate

As a minimum you need contact details for the parents. Inevitably someone will fall or trip. Something will happen were you need to contact the parent.

As I said write a rota, give it to the kids to take home and email it too. If someone doesn’t reciprocate, don’t invite them

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/07/2021 14:17

No he doesn’t need to arrange anything Ann given he’s out the house working. His partner can inform parents of the new routine, 6pm finish.send a note home with the kids to their parents. Op Has a skooshy deal here. She’s not up at 4am and is not working a 12 hour day. Op can sort the multiple kids in the house. It’s her lack of assertiveness and planning that’s allowed it to be such a free for all crèche

AbsolutelySure · 18/07/2021 14:26

We used to have this, telling DD, no not today, go and play in someone else's garden a few times and they soon found someone else's garden to play in.

Echobelly · 18/07/2021 14:32

I think you need to say to other parents that you can't have kids around every day as it disturbs your husband at work and isn't fair on neighbours, maybe suggest a rota?

Charlize43 · 18/07/2021 14:32

Have you spoken to your DC about it? Maybe she is using it for popularity points and has all the other kids bigging it up as the in place to go?

You could consider charging admission and then setting up a soft refreshments stand with overpriced pieces of cake and glasses of homemade lemonade (heavy on the sugar will have them coming back)... then branch out into merch like t-shirts and caps. Organise the games so they are monetised: Throw the hoops - 3 for a £1 in return for tat prizes bought in Poundland. Talk your husband into believing that he may be able to reduce his hours at work if your business venture takes off. Start calling yourself an entrepreneur... -Apply -to -the -Council -for -a -gambling -licence -and -invite -their -parents -in -the -evenings.

Katerurn · 18/07/2021 14:36

Honestly, apart from the fact you are being taken for a mug it's totally unfair on your husband. If I was working a 12 hour shift I wouldn't want o come into a house everyday full of kids that aren't my own. It's also unfair on your neighbours, every day having to listen to the kids shrieking and shouting for the whole day.

There's just no understanding or compromise being shown. The other parents need to step up or you have to decide to stick to one or two days a week, not everyday. Others should be able to enjoy the lovely weather too without having to put up with the constant noise.

elevenses75 · 18/07/2021 14:40

I wouldn’t do this every day but def sometimes and others go to the park etc or maybe limit the amount of kids in the garden so it’s not too loud and rowdy but it does sound fun to me.

I’m coming from the point of view of my kids live in temporary accommodation we have a concrete garden no grass or anywhere nice to sit - no where to store much. There are no kids nearby except 2 little girls and my boy’s are 10&11 so not particularly interested in playing with them, there is a park but always deserted so we rarely go as I think they want to play with other kids. I do take them to the park near their school but we can’t be there every day and we are a good bit away from school and where all their friends live. I’d love to have a lovely little garden where the kids could play with friends. 3 years we’ve been here and it’s getting a bit crap for them now. That’s just from my perspective I totally get others will disagree.

Wallpapering · 18/07/2021 14:42

If you got my DS playing over send him home.

This has been 1st year whereas haven’t had kids over mine everyday, even though didn’t mind sometimes it was bit much as meant I was always feeding them as can’t give your own child without offering others but got to stage it was even dinner.

It’s been nice this year no kids but really feel guilty he round someone else’s estate even sleep over last night.

The mum said doesn’t mind have asked few times but then is she doing what I did. I hope she would send them packing as not just mine. I wouldn’t be offended, it’s not like can’t play in my garden did have brief water fight with them yesterday but just don’t want them in house atm plus the towels and tidying up garden yesterday I was meh. I not in that good place atm,

Send them home, honestly some parents will take fucking piss hence why they always was at mine from morning until 9pm

hookiewookie29 · 18/07/2021 14:43

The parents must be rubbing their hands together- free childcare and a quiet house! You need to stop doing it.
The other issue is that what would happen of one of them had an accident at your house? And really hurt themselves. Relations with their parents could rapidly change.

Wallpapering · 18/07/2021 14:48

Btw I need to replace pool as cat ripped mine last year just once manic prices come down so will plan to have kids back over, I’m not comfortable with DS always being at someone else’s no matter how much parent doesn’t mind

Manycupsoftea · 18/07/2021 14:53

I think it's great , just not everyday. I prefer having kids under a nice parent's watch (and OP you sound nice) than out and abouts at that age.

I enjoy having DCs' friends around and wouldn't mind it if I didnt work. It's the way I grew up (hanging around at friend's house while my parents worked all hours) where I am everyone has formal paid childcare and we have to make playdate arrangements a month or two in advance

KarmaStar · 18/07/2021 15:05

As long as you keep providing free childcare they won't have yours back.
Maybe set up a WhatsApp group to share the load.
It's not quite the same you having to listen to it as your neighbours,they are not the parents yet cannot enjoy their gardens in peace.Try to be thoughtful ,I appreciate the children need to be happy.

itsgettingwierd · 18/07/2021 15:12

My first thought also was why are they always at yours.

I would say 1 weekend day and 1 evening is more than enough for DH to come home to a garden full of neighbours kids after work.

So you need to end play dates early the other days or refuse entrance some days, take your DD out etc and wait for neighbours to realise they can either have their own kids to look stater or have other kids round to entertain - but it's split.

Currently you are providing a great service of free childcare. Your neighbours must love you Grin

Mockolate · 18/07/2021 15:21

Wow, so you're providing free childcare for 8 hours a day?!

No wonder they don't reciprocate!

This Grin
You sound lovely, don't get me wrong, but flippin 'eck, grow a pair lol
Hours of free childcare most days AND they get fed a picnic on the lawn?!
I'd be making sure I was out a few days from now on, before it gets a pattern you cant get out of easily!

Anotheruser02 · 18/07/2021 15:31

@EspressoDoubleShot

You write and distribute by email a rota of who’s hosting the kids. If others won’t take their turn you don’t invite the kid back If everyone takes a turn less burden upon you, plus stop hosting for them all daily. The other parents are taking the piss. Seeing an opportunity and going fir it. Their kid, fed & watered and our house most of the day

As for the it’s hell for the work from home neighbours, that’s really not your concern. You cannot be expected to curtail kids school holiday activities and play because neighbour wfh and has calls and zoom.

No! Really don't do this, formalising playing out Hmm

If others don't jump to the OP's schedule then their children will probably just go to the park together. The parks around here are full of kids aged 8 to 11ish until the evening I recognise a lot of them from our Juniors school and there are very few parents around.

I wouldn't let someone enforce a rota on me because they (without my asking) had my child in there's every day, if my child would've been in the park with their friends without this persons interference. Plenty of people are allowing their DC in middle childhood to ride to local parks and play together. Even the OP recognises that the reason she is wanting those DC there is so she can avoid allowing her child the same freedoms. I don't know where the idea comes from that the other parents are complicit in sending their child to be looked after by the OP, they consider their children old enough to play out together, the OP is over riding them and the kids are going home to check in and have lunch with their families so no one is asking her to feed them either.

Everything here is her choice and the other parents would not be screwed without this, good on the OP for making a plan to give her child some freedom too, this will do wonders for her confidence.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/07/2021 15:40

You may know where they live but you need numbers

If something happened you need to contact them ASAP

I liked @jerometheturnipking idea and mentioned it before

A wats app group so can say if not there etc

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