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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where are kids supposed to play?

338 replies

lazylump72 · 18/07/2021 08:05

Hi
I am having a bit of a barny with my DH and well quite frankly he is trying to be thoughtful of the neighbours etc and he does work 12 he shifts but
whilst I do think he has a point and I might be being a bit unreasonable
I don't know how to approach this so thought I would see from the wise mumsnetters where you stand on this,All suggestions will be helpful!
So it's the start of the school holidays,beautiful weather,garden full of toys and pool out,happy days!This is the first year our DD 9 yes has has friends on our estate and it's wonderful.Thereis a little group of 5 and they get on amazingly and play really well,They have been round our house in the garden playing for a week,They are safe and enclosed and well a bit demanding and noisy.I get this,I do I have to sit and listen to it but they are having such a Fab time safely and under supervision I have no issues except I will try to shut them up when it gets too loud! Now I am the one listening to it all day not DH he is at work but he gets home and the garden is full of kids and he doesn;t want it, I am trying to find a balance here but what do I do? There is nowhere else for the kids to play,I don't want them out on the road it's not safe,I don't mind them here really.Its not ideal for the neighbours either but it's summer,.Am I being the neighbours from hell? Where do your kids and their friends play? Given there ages of 8 and 9 years Ithought I was doing the right thing...am I? Do people expect quiet between 11 and 7 ish? I know it's a pain hearing kids for a lot of people but where do you all stand on this?

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 18/07/2021 11:25

@ivykaty44

full of kids and he doesn;t want it

your dh needs to realise he is part of a family and lives in a family home

He does realise that. I guess if he wanted five or six kids he’d have had them.
Howshouldibehave · 18/07/2021 11:31

I know where all the kids live so God forbid anything should happen Icould take them home

If there was an emergency or an accident, you wouldn’t moseying off taking 4/5 other children home, you’d be staying with the child and waiting for an ambulance.

Sorry, but there is no way I’d be looking after anyone’s child without an emergency contact number for them!!!

user1471562482 · 18/07/2021 11:32

This is all about the setting of boundaries. You feel guilty giving your child lunch? Simples - "we're having lunch now. Run along home. Welcome to come back at x o'clock.". Also ditto re time to go home; make it 5ish. If I were your neighbours I d be a bit sick of this every day. Also give your daughter a bit of freedom? I can see you,re doing this from a good intention but have a wee rethink so it has more long term benefit for your family.

Invisimamma · 18/07/2021 11:32

I find it really difficult having other people's children around, it just sets me on edge but I understand for my children's sake I need to do it sometimes. I do put limits on it. For example, 'they can come round after lunch but they must leave by 4pm' and I make sure the dc understand this.

Or 'you can't play here today please ask x if you can play in their garden today' or 'you can play at the park but please don't bring friends home today.'

Also I work from home so the scenario you describe with neighbours children being loud all day would be hugely disruptive for me.

Why not suggest with the other parents to go on a few day trips together? Change of scene for the children and a break for your neighbours.

SlightSilverStardust · 18/07/2021 11:33

Have them over once or twice in a week, send them home at lunch time, and again at 5pm for the evening, and they can’t come back after 5pm.

HumunaHey · 18/07/2021 11:52

I personally think you've set yourself up OP. Chances are those kids didn't start out with the expectancy to play in your garden everyday. They probably just knocked for your daughter to play out in the street or park. But you have been perhaps a bit too overprotective so have chosen to have a gaggle of kids in your garden all day everyday instead.

Kids will be kids, if you offer them food, they'll seldom be too polite to decline. No CFery there. As for the parents, I don't see any CFery either because you are allowing (and even encouraging it by giving the kids food). It woukd be different if the parents were actively suggesting the kids go to your house. But they are probably generally letting their kids out to play and they opt to go to your house. Or kids are asking to go and they are saying "if it's ok with XX's mum. Your DD probably loves having them over now too so your back garden is the expected spot to be. She could be actively inviting them .You really need to loosen the apron strings and just let her play out occasionally. Set boundaries and she will be fine and it'll do her the world of good.

user1471562482 · 18/07/2021 11:59

Apologies Op. Cross-posted with your update. Well done you for having a rethink. Enjoy your summer

EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 18/07/2021 12:06

@lazylump72

Well that's what I hoped but sadly the other parents don;t seem to want this.The other parents all seem happy to let them be here but never have them. It's disappointing and I don;t want a full summer of being childminder and being known as that house on the street either but it's so lovely to have my DD have friends and being happy outside,
I think the fact the other parents don’t want a load of kids in their garden should maybe give you an indication of why your husband and probably your neighbours would get pissed off with it. If he’s been working all day I can totally understand he might want a bit of peace.

Conversely you sound like a fab and engaged mum and it sounds like your children are having a ball. Of course they’re too young to play out on the street. Is there anyway you could suggest sharing the care out with the other parents. It sounds like you’re being used as free childcare.

Maybe your husband could play with the children when he comes home as a way to unwind too and give you a break.

Xenia · 18/07/2021 12:17

Allow them in once a week particularly as these other people never reciprocate! Other days just have your own children in your garden if you are not out.

Howshouldibehave · 18/07/2021 12:19

Maybe your husband could play with the children when he comes home as a way to unwind too and give you a break

Yeah-that sounds like an ideal solution. Hmm

If you left the house at 4.30am, did a 12 hour shift and came home for dinner at 7.30 to a garden full of screaming children-you being told to play with them so that your partner (who was the one inviting them to be in your house all day) could have a rest, I’m sure you’d be just thrilled.

HumunaHey · 18/07/2021 12:22

@HumunaHey

I personally think you've set yourself up OP. Chances are those kids didn't start out with the expectancy to play in your garden everyday. They probably just knocked for your daughter to play out in the street or park. But you have been perhaps a bit too overprotective so have chosen to have a gaggle of kids in your garden all day everyday instead.

Kids will be kids, if you offer them food, they'll seldom be too polite to decline. No CFery there. As for the parents, I don't see any CFery either because you are allowing (and even encouraging it by giving the kids food). It woukd be different if the parents were actively suggesting the kids go to your house. But they are probably generally letting their kids out to play and they opt to go to your house. Or kids are asking to go and they are saying "if it's ok with XX's mum. Your DD probably loves having them over now too so your back garden is the expected spot to be. She could be actively inviting them .You really need to loosen the apron strings and just let her play out occasionally. Set boundaries and she will be fine and it'll do her the world of good.

Sorry also cross posted/delayedclicking send and didn't see your latest update.

Hope it all works out OP.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 18/07/2021 12:24

Just do what you want.If you're happy to have them,have them but I'd ask them to leave around 4ish.
5 hours is plenty then you get some downtime before dh gets home and your neighbours have less disruption.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 18/07/2021 12:27

Got visions of all the other parents having afternoon sex and cocktails while their kids are out daily.Bet they're loving it

Babyroobs · 18/07/2021 12:28

You have to set time limits on it. If they've been there all day playing then surely it's not unreasonable for them to go home when your DH comes home from work and wants some downtime.
When my kids were young ds3 had one friend who was an only child and the mum would have huge numbers of kids at their house all the time, sleeping over . I could never understand how they actually had a life and it caused friction between the dad and mum because funnily enough he didn't want a house full of kids when he had been sweltering in a kitchen all day and because the mum didn't work and worshipped the ground the son walked on , she would allow all these kids there day and night to keep him happy as he asked for all these kids to sleepover.

quizqueen · 18/07/2021 12:28

So the kids arrive about 11am just before lunch, that's convenient, and your husband is gong to work to pay to feed them too. Add up what extras you spend and it will come to a lot. I think once or twice a week playing at yours at the most and you expect your neighbours to reciprocate, send them home for lunch and have them gone before your DH arrives home and make sure they all help tidy up the toys before they leave too. Your neighbours are taking you for a fool and they are right because you are being one.

VodkaSlimline · 18/07/2021 12:33

@lazylump72

Just to clarify they call on for my daughter at about 11 am and they play in the garden some days latest is 7 PM they go home.They play in the summer house on the switch and tablet,other days they are out in the pool or on the swings and trampoline some days they have taken over the lounge and watched dvds . I will have a rethink just for my neighbours sanity, I also think it was a good point that they do go home earlier.I might also try to get to know the other parents better too.I know they are happy the kids are here but I don't really know them..maybe having a chat might open up some new ideas on their part too, We have lots of plans for the holidays going forward from next week so days out will be happening and visits to grandparents so that will really things up a bit,
If the kids go home at 7 p.m. latest and your DH doesn't get in until 7.30 p.m. then where is the problem? He shouldn't be seeing them at all.

Have you met the other children's parents? If not, think you need to. Maybe then they will start to reciprocate your hospitality.

CombatBarbie · 18/07/2021 12:38

Inconsiderate to your neighbours but you already know that, you are also being taken for a mug by the parents. Have you not got any numbers or have them on FB, I'd be setting up a group chat asking whos garden is next and so on.

saraclara · 18/07/2021 12:46

Maybe your husband could play with the children when he comes home as a way to unwind too and give you a break

I can't believe what I just read!
Nothing says 'winding down' playing with half a dozen kids you don't know after a 4am rise and a 12 hour shift at work!

FFS Grin

saraclara · 18/07/2021 12:47

LIKE playing..., even

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/07/2021 12:47

My dd is an only child. We have the most open house of all her friends. As we are not in the centre of the village, we don’t get too many kids come here all the time. Kids come approx 3 times a week in the summer but they young teens and go off for walks etc. As a lot of dd’s friends are not in the village, they do tend to come for the day and parents collect their children when asked or I will drop them off. I agree you need to find some balance. Getting your dd a mobile so she can go to the park plus going out some days will bring more balance.

knittingaddict · 18/07/2021 12:51

All day, every day?

No thanks, not as the one hosting or as a neighbour. Sounds like hell to me.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 18/07/2021 13:00

Sorry OP, but you're being taken for a ride.

My sister had this before she moved house. Lovely swing set, paddling pool, sprinklers etc. Endless supplies of ice lollies, juices, even sandwiches and crisps if they were there over lunch time.

Her house was always heaving with kids and never once was it reciprocated. She even had times she tried to send them home and one or two said their parents had gone out for the afternoon.

It's a shame because you want to do it for the kids but the parents see you as free child care. Plan some days out for your kids and break the cycle. Does she have any cousins to invite round?

MarianneUnfaithful · 18/07/2021 13:01

OP, good for you in listening to your DH and PP.

There is another factor in the value of your approach going forwards, and that is to demonstrate to your Dd that friendship isn’t about having no boundaries and saying yes all the time.

There is a lot in your posts about your Dd that is based in people pleasing, almost as if you are afraid that your Dd will have no friends unless you just accommodate this open house free for all.

Not knowing how to confidently set boundaries risks setting her up to get manipulated or bullied. “Ask your mum for ice creams, or we won’t be your friend” etc.

If they stop playing because Mum says 6pm is home time, they are just using her anyway.

Be friendly, welcoming and clear. At 5pm say “just to let you all know that home time is 5.30, so you have half an hour to finish up or choose what to do “. Children are USED to being managed by adults and given times, it’s how the school day runs. So do it Smile

Constant knocks on the door? “No sorry, thank you for asking but after 5pm is family and dinner time, but she’d love to see you tomorrow”.

WombatChocolate · 18/07/2021 13:17

Agree this is all just about setting boundaries. Children and other parents expect it and it’s not hard to do.

Start by talking to your DC. Perhaps tell them that this week, they can have friends over 1 or 2 half days. Children can come at 10 and go home by 1 for lunch, or come at 2 and go home by 5.

When children appear, tell them that they can come for 1 (or 2) half days that week and that if they come today, that will be it. Mention that your DC a would love to come and play at theirs too. Tell them that they will need to go home by X o’clock as you’re busy after that. 15 mins before that time, remind them that they need to go home in the next 15 mins. 5 mins before, ask them to gather their stuff and head home. Remind them that your DC would love to come and play at theirs too, but you are busy this week, so they can’t play at yours any more.

ChampagneWorries · 18/07/2021 13:25

We have the streets kids in our garden alot as ours is massive compared to theirs and we have play equipment.

They are aged between 7 and 10ish. Around 7 of them. I don't child mind. I don't watch them etc.

I certainly do not feed them and i encourage them to bring water bottles from home into the garden.

Our cul de sac is really child friendly (the kids are even allowed to play in the neighbours all open plan front gardens, no fencing etc) and these people that allow that have children that have now left home.