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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 15 year old daughter was really horrible to me today and my dh backs her up.

345 replies

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 20:55

She had a sports thing today. She's been training for months (horse riding). I've also been really concentrating on it because I've had to put the team together. Anyway, she did OK but not brilliantly. The team did OK. We had a team chat this afternoon and I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her. Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet. She called me an idiot (in front of everyone). Then later when I tried to talk quietly to her about it she said everyone thought I was weird.

Dh said nothing. Dd2 was sweet and backed me up.

I've got home and dh has just said I was mean and criticised dd - I absolutely didn't and never had. He is being really horrible.

I 100% know that dd was out of order here. Its extremely unlike her it must be said. I am so upset with dd and dh and don't know what to do.

I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them.

OP posts:
stupidstupider · 18/07/2021 08:41

Ahh, ok, cross posted with your last two posts. I was fence judging there yesterday and it caused a few problems (I'm glad I wasn't judging that fence).

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 08:44

@stupidstupider

Ahh, ok, cross posted with your last two posts. I was fence judging there yesterday and it caused a few problems (I'm glad I wasn't judging that fence).
Thank you for volunteering as a fence judge (one of my favourite things to do!)
OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 18/07/2021 08:44

You DD is going to have to learn to be a better sport and team player. 15 is plenty old enough to have developed those skills. We had a couple of girls like that in our club (not riding) and they didn't make the senior team for that reason. You can't have people that will bring their team mates down.

Daisydoesnt · 18/07/2021 08:45

Hmmm. Horses are a very very expensive hobby - and take up a huge amount of family time and commitment - to not be concentrating and listening when walking the course etc. It’s ok if you’re just mucking about doing it for fun (or it’s you that’s funding it!) And if she really thought she was going to win, that you need to know the course like the back of your hand. Big lesson there for your daughter.

Out of interest, where would she have been placed if she’d not been eliminated?

OP and I mean this very kindly - if you so decide to carry on organising the teams you need to really gen up on the rules: from everything to do with permitted tack to how the course is flagged. Otherwise you potentially could be in the firing line again.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 08:49

@Daisydoesnt

Hmmm. Horses are a very very expensive hobby - and take up a huge amount of family time and commitment - to not be concentrating and listening when walking the course etc. It’s ok if you’re just mucking about doing it for fun (or it’s you that’s funding it!) And if she really thought she was going to win, that you need to know the course like the back of your hand. Big lesson there for your daughter.

Out of interest, where would she have been placed if she’d not been eliminated?

OP and I mean this very kindly - if you so decide to carry on organising the teams you need to really gen up on the rules: from everything to do with permitted tack to how the course is flagged. Otherwise you potentially could be in the firing line again.

I know the rules like the back of my hand to be fair. I'd taken photographs of all the alternatives. What I didn't know is that dd and her friend and wandered back over to look and that dd had told her the wrong thing. I didn't realise they'd gone back because I was too busy talking all the options through with the parents!
OP posts:
Daisydoesnt · 18/07/2021 08:51

Oh dear OP, that’s a nightmare!

endofthelinefinally · 18/07/2021 08:58

OP, this really isn't your fault, except perhaps for doing too much for your spoilt dd. You have done your bit for the club. I am glad the other parents and children appreciate you, but it is ok to step down from a voluntary role.
My DD always appreciated and helped enormously in her club. It was the ungrateful parents and bratty kids that did it for me in the end, but I kept going until DD was old enough to transport and organise herself.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 18/07/2021 08:58

Or maybe OP isn’t giving the full story.....

Yeah, something's missing here. There's a sort of blurred hole at the centre of the story.

LouiseBelchersBunnyEars · 18/07/2021 08:59

I know the rules like the back of my hand to be fair. I'd taken photographs of all the alternatives. What I didn't know is that dd and her friend and wandered back over to look and that dd had told her the wrong thing. I didn't realise they'd gone back because I was too busy talking all the options through with the parents

How did you find out that’s what happened? I’m assuming after the incident?

She probably felt embarrassed that she’d got the other girl eliminated, and was trying to prevent it coming out

Lilibet2022 · 18/07/2021 09:00

I agree with sleep in it. Tomorrow, hopefully dd can apologise and so can your dh.

Sorry, it's horrible when our kids or partners don't appreciate us.

This. I think it's 'in the water' so to speak. DD1 was vile to me yesterday and I'm still upset about it this morning and still waiting for an apology. Friends DD also gave her grief. Not an excuse of course but just wanted to offer solidarity. Raising teens is hard sometimes. As they say, this too will pass. Flowers

Templetreebloom · 18/07/2021 09:01

What I didn't know is that dd and her friend and wandered back over to look and that dd had told her the wrong thing. I didn't realise they'd gone back because I was too busy talking all the options through with the parents!

And this is what the whole situation is about!
I dont know why you ignored my previous post but the whole thing hinges on this.
You think your DD was being rude and interrupting you, she was trying to tell you what had happened and you didnt listen.

In these type of situations examing our own role rather than needing to prove right/ wrong is far more helpful.

Bjarnum · 18/07/2021 09:01

DD needs to apologise to you and to the girl she gave poor advice to. DH needs to get his facts straight and also apologise. And if any posters need clarity on your general tolerance and patience they can read all the posts on this thread and see how calmly and pleasantly you have dealt with all the people that clearly either did not read your posts or who struggle with understanding simple language!

cherrytree63 · 18/07/2021 09:05

Thanks for explaining OP. Did your daughter make the same mistake?
I've organised teams before and it's really hard work, feel for you!

CornishPastyDownUnder · 18/07/2021 09:06

wow-absolutely shocked..of course cut her from the team -theres no way any other coach would deal with that level of disrespect..as for your dp what the af-he'll be apologising too im guessing..Hold your head high-give them space to see the error&then they can learn who's in the driving seat when mums got her coach hat on.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 09:07

@cherrytree63

Thanks for explaining OP. Did your daughter make the same mistake? I've organised teams before and it's really hard work, feel for you!
No she didn't take any alternatives, rode like a demon far too fast
OP posts:
KatherineSiena · 18/07/2021 09:08

The OP can’t win seemingly. Several of you have immediately jumped on with the pushy parent accusation because the OP has the temerity to volunteer and help. If she didn’t volunteer and no other parent did then clubs and activities like this just wouldn’t happen. Some parents just use clubs as childcare where they drop and run leaving a handful of volunteers to facilitate it. That doesn’t make those volunteers pushy parents.

It’s tricky when your own children are directly involved and many volunteers try to keep away from them and do other tasks but it isn’t always possible.

I’ll reiterate your DD might be upset, disappointed and embarrassed but she needs to pull her socks up sharpish and not speak to you so rudely and disrespectfully. Personally, I’d pull out of the next competition and let her father take her. Longer term you need to consider if this is worth all the angst and/or pursue horse riding as your own hobby.

Flowers500 · 18/07/2021 09:27

I think just a bit of a shit day all round, your daughter needs to apologise and you probably need to have a bit of a heart to heart. She’s clealry going to be REALLY embarrassed about her role in all this, and how being a know it all crashed so badly. But as a teenager she will find that impossible to express in a positive way!!!

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 09:34

So at the moment dh and dd haven't spoken to me at all this morning other than to ask if I'd done the horses. It's going to be a long day. I think I might go out somewhere by myself.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 18/07/2021 09:36

@Bryonyshcmyony

So at the moment dh and dd haven't spoken to me at all this morning other than to ask if I'd done the horses. It's going to be a long day. I think I might go out somewhere by myself.
That would be it for me I am afraid. Sad
bigbaggyeyes · 18/07/2021 09:44

Wow so you've been out and sorted the horses this morning, and given up time and effort and neither your dh or your dd is talking to you because. Your dh is sulking and acting like a spoilt brat, and your dd is sulking and being a spoilt brat. Seems the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Most definitely take yourself out and enjoy a day on your own.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 09:45

I don't know whether to go somewhere with my other dcs when they finally emerge or whether that would be a bit spiteful (deliberately not taking dd). I quite fancy a couple of hours on my own. Just trying to think of something to do.

OP posts:
KatherineSiena · 18/07/2021 09:46

Wow. That’s horrible. Go out and I wouldn’t be rushing back for them, let them cater for themselves etc.

Let your daughter do the horses by herself for a while in the mornings too.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/07/2021 09:47

@WalkingOnTheCracks

Or maybe OP isn’t giving the full story.....

Yeah, something's missing here. There's a sort of blurred hole at the centre of the story.

Only if you have no experience if horse events.

Posters with experience have posted backing up OPs words about who can and cannot take issues to be discussed with the judging team.

Posters with no experience keep making weird interpretations, accusing her of interfering.

Out plainly, only one person can take queries to the judges. One person. Who must also understand the rider's perspective.

That person was OP and she was talking to a rider about that rider's round before going to the judges.

Her DDs outburst may have been because she had realised the error she has made. Knowing that OP can discuss it.

Her DH, on the other hand, has his own issues and OP doesn't know what they are.

Add to that the issue with her DB and it is fairly clear that OP is fast running out of spoons... and many posters here are grabbing for those she has left.

KatherineSiena · 18/07/2021 09:49

Go out by yourself - pack a picnic, some cold drinks and take a book and hat! Have a good think about things with no distractions. 💐

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 09:50

And as if by magic - a friend has messaged to ask us round for a coffee and I'm going on my own. Perfect. I think she was a bit taken aback at the speed of my reply 😂

OP posts: